To think this former colleague needs to accept that she's gone?

[user1485342611]

A former colleague of ours retired a few months ago. However, she's behaving as if she still works here. Every day someone gets a call from her asking what's the gossip etc. She calls in at least once a week with a packet of biscuits and joins us for break, but has started hanging around for ages keeping people from their work or going in and out of offices distracting them.

We went for impromptu drinks after work one evening and apparently she was most put out that she'd been 'excluded'. She's already been reminding us to make sure she's kept informed of arrangements for the Christmas party.

I'm all for people keeping in touch, but usually it's by arranging to meet people they were friendly with for lunch or a drink, not expecting the whole workplace to include her in everything.

AIBU to think she really needs to move on and create a new life, instead of behaving as if she never left the place. I do feel sorry for her, as she must be really missing the companionship of work, but it would be far healthier to join some activities and find new interests. We've tried to work it into the conversation a few times, talking about people we know who've joined a choir, taken up aquavit, learnt bridge etc and how much they enjoy it, but she still seems to see her former workplace as her main social outlet.

That's pretty sad really. Why is it a prerequisite that someone HAS to work with you in order to socialise with you?
She sounds a bit lonely and lost - would it really hurt you to just play along? You sound a bit territorial and unkind to me.

You sound a bit mean tbh. She’ll move on and develop new interests in time, it really hasn’t been very long. She’s obviously lonely, cut her some slack.

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest, she's probably bored and a little lonely.

ANother one saying you need to give her more time

Inspector

It's the hanging around when we're trying to work, taking offence when we organise something impromptu and don't include her, pressuring us to remember to involve her in everything that's the problem.

Most of our ex colleagues still come along to the odd thing, or call in with a new grandchild or some such and are made very welcome.

But this colleague seems to want to be treated as if she's still part of the everyday life of work.

I didn't mean to imply that we don't want her around at all. Just that it's a bit intense.

She's lonely

It is all a bit sad but she's not doing you any harm. It will fizzle out as more people move on, she knows fewer of the staff and settles into retirement.

It's must be a real shift in identity when you retire !! I'd knock the distracting colleagues from work on the head but make sure to invite her to social things it's really not a big deal, and I'm sure in time she will develop new interests and friendships

Aquavit is very specific! Probably only so many times she can afford to eat there on her pension.

The socialising with you thing I think you’re being a bit mean about. She didn’t leave to go to another job- she retired. I think fine to invite her to drinks. Coming into the office I would put a stop to as it sounds like it’s getting in the way of work.

Yes, I suppose we need to give her more time. I genuinely do feel sorry for her, and would love to see her build a new life for herself.

The job has probably been her social life and now she's retired she is missing it.

Fair enough, it's annoying to have her distracting people when they're actually in work. But surely it's a bit mean to exclude her from social things outside of work. It's not hard to send a quick text is it?

Aquavit is very specific! Probably only so many times she can afford to eat there on her pension.

I assume she meant Aquafit?

I don't think you're "mean" (such a juvenile thing to say). Most workplaces would find this intrusive and a bit strange. Sounds like you have given her some good advice and pointers about moving on. Encouraging her to keep hanging around will do her no good in the long run.

Honestly, we don't exclude her and try to remember to invite her along to pre planned things. But sometimes we organise something last minute and can't include her. For instance a gang of us decided last Thursday afternoon that we'd go along to Mamma Mia Here We Go Again that evening as most of us had been on holidays and hadn't got around to seeing it.

Apparently she was really upset that we hadn't invited her. But it was all just decided a couple of hours in advance.

Yes, Aquafit not Aquavit.

I work in a school where there has been a whole generational shift in the last five years. Some people retire, disappear off into their new lives and are never seen again, some pop in occasionally, and some seem completely lost without being at work. Generally it does eventually work out but we have a few who really haven’t moved on and it is sad to see. If I were you, I’d go for a compromise. Be more firm about her leaving as you need to work. Invite her to the Christmas and summer party, but smaller outings are for current staff only. I wouldn’t let her continue as she is unchallenged as she needs to move on or else she will waste her retirement. Sounds like you might need to give her a little push.

She's absolutely not being mean!

Yes retirement can be hard and she absolutely needs to find a new outlet and hobby, but distracting people from a job they are being paid to do is not on.

Christmas parties tend to be just staff, not ex-staff unless they leave quite close to Christmas. I've never worked anywhere where ex-staff were invited.

I do think however she needs help finding new outlets. Does your office have any charity community schemes that she could maybe help out with as a favour to keep her occupied and perhaps give her ideas for new things she could explore.

I don't think you're mean at all. It's possible to feel sorry for someone and wish them well, and include them in work social events within reason, but also to be irritated by someone regularly interrupting your work and getting annoyed when she's not included in spontaneous after-work drinks.

No advice, but is there a line-manager who can have a friendly word about the work-interrupting?

ITs like David Brent in the office 🤣

Also, I wouldn’t feel bad about not including her in short notice plans. Yes, she will get upset at the start, but it may also get the message home that she no longer works there.

You clearly don’t like her or want to spend time with her, so don’t. It’s up to your colleagues to see her or not see her as they see fit.

Someone was thinking of suggesting to her that she organise a Christmas meal for other retired staff. We thought if she got together with them and they started talking about various things they're involved in it might give her a better perspective on things.

glintandglide I was just thinking the same thing!

Is this an office or a school?

It's not a school, it's more an office type set up.