To think this former colleague needs to accept that she's gone?

[user1485342611]

A former colleague of ours retired a few months ago. However, she's behaving as if she still works here. Every day someone gets a call from her asking what's the gossip etc. She calls in at least once a week with a packet of biscuits and joins us for break, but has started hanging around for ages keeping people from their work or going in and out of offices distracting them.

We went for impromptu drinks after work one evening and apparently she was most put out that she'd been 'excluded'. She's already been reminding us to make sure she's kept informed of arrangements for the Christmas party.

I'm all for people keeping in touch, but usually it's by arranging to meet people they were friendly with for lunch or a drink, not expecting the whole workplace to include her in everything.

AIBU to think she really needs to move on and create a new life, instead of behaving as if she never left the place. I do feel sorry for her, as she must be really missing the companionship of work, but it would be far healthier to join some activities and find new interests. We've tried to work it into the conversation a few times, talking about people we know who've joined a choir, taken up aquavit, learnt bridge etc and how much they enjoy it, but she still seems to see her former workplace as her main social outlet.

Definitely agree with starting to fill your time before that point. My mum was a SAHM for 25 years (six kids in 9.5 years) and we homeschooled. When my youngest brother was going into Grade 10, my parents made the decision to put him into public school for his last 3 years as he was the only one at home. Mum started taking cello lessons and language classes while he was at school. Today she is very active in her church women's group and other church activities, visits her mother weekly (Grandma has Alzheimer's and is in a facility), and still takes cello. Dad is still working but he and my youngest brother have developed a shared interest in target shooting and hunting (humanely and for meat). Dad also reloads his ammo so he has a setup in the garage for making bullets. (We live in Canada so fewer restrictions on guns. Dad stores all his firearms in a locked fireproof safe.)

You need to get two concrete things in the diary with her (like a night out and a lunch for someone’s promotion or whatever, Male something up).

When you have two things coming up, you will be more able to say ‘I can’t chat now, we’ve all got to work - see you at x event’. You can be much firmer when you have demonstrated she is secure. Counselling trick, I think.

It's quite sad - I can't imagine not having lots to fill my time with in retirement. I'd get HR to have a word with her on the basis she's distracting people from working. They may also be some insurance/H&S reasons for not having her drop in frequently.

QuoadUltra's suggestions are good. I wouldn't involve HR - it's not really their problem and escalating this officially will make your ex-colleague feel really excluded and ganged-up on.

Is it worth revisiting the office security procedures, though - she shouldn't just be able to walk in. And yes - everyone should take responsibility for getting on with their work and not being distracted.

I can see why this is annoying when you’ve got work to do, and it doesn’t sound healthy for her. But it’s made me feel really sad for her, poor lady

Without being outing, how big is the organisation - if you’ve had enough leavers to make it work, you could invite her to set up an “alumnus” group for people who’ve left?

user if she enjoys cooking then her organising a exstaff party / social would be a good idea , she does not have to wait until Christmas though.
Do any of the staff their have DCs that she could look after for a short while when they come out of school ( perhaps with the pretence that they need help with their reading / maths etc ) that way she has a purpose , the DCs get looked after by some one you trust and she gets a little extra income to help supplement her pension.
This would also be useful if someones DC becomes poorly at school she could pick them up and look after them until DP could get there .

That's actually one of the saddest things I've seen on mumsnet. Not you, OP, you've done nothing wrong. But sad that your retired colleague keeps coming back.

I agree @NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

I wonder why she retired, as she obviously would prefer to be at the office, and would seem not reafy to go.
I retired last year quite frankly I was knackered, fed up with office politics, and sure that the 1.5 hours commute each way would do for me.
I hosted a party said cheerio to everyone and have never been back. Retirement is difficult, its such a complete change and I must admit I have and still am finding the adjustment hard.
i keep in touch by email with a few of my old colleagues but was never asked back to the Xmas party.
This lady was obviously not ready to go!

Is she married? Has she got family?

It won't go on forever. If you all like her you can put up with it for a while surely.

It's a workplace. Not a drop in centre for bored retirees.

This is really sad but I feel for you op. Someone needs to have a gentle word with her but then be firm - she can't keep turning up. It won't be easy to do but whoever does it can stress how much everyone likes seeing her but that it is disrupting how much work people can do if people who aren't employees drop in. Make her feel wanted at the same time as laying down boundaries.

The point that staff turnover will bring a natural end to this is a good one. Hopefully, the decreasing number of familiar faces will align to OP's former colleague becoming more comfortable in retirement and developing other interests/friendships, and the visits will tail off painlessly.

I actually can’t imagine how hard this must be. I recently changed roles and can’t stop thinking about my old workplace and colleagues. If I was retired and not 200 miles away and occupied by another job I think I’d be the same.

It's sad but you aren't mean Left to carry on, it can be a management issue.

She's distracting you from getting on with your jobs. Keeping her in all the workplace socializing effectively excludes the new person coming in.

Have been in a workplace where lots of links with old staff were kept up and it reached a point where new staff couldn't get a place at the Xmas do as people who had left 2 years ago had tickets. Very cliquey for incomers and not a welcoming environment - took a long time for management to clamp down on.

Sorry but she's left. There is no 'goss' to tell her that relates to the workplace.

I can FULLY imagine a worker at my place doing this if she retired (if only, frankly)

And I can imagine I'd feel just as annoyed as you, particularly due to confidentiality in the central office that she would no longer be entitled to read.

In my last place (a much larger workplace) it was massively common for retirees to "keep their hand in" with a couple of shifts a month, not enough to pay tax on. They were at least contributing to the work; but did smack of an inability to let go and embrace the next phase of their life and SPECIFICALLY (in a large place) they still wanted the social life and the gossip without the job

I do feel sorry for her but I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I think this is why my organisation arranges pre-retirement courses every so often. It covers things like budgeting and sorting pensions out, and also covers issues like the massive change of life you get.

I'm 50, have left an ex, and also plan to look into a change of job soon. I'm also looking ahead to later life, slowly setting up things to make a transition to retirement easier. Hobbies help (I am going to start learning to play the drums when I have a bit more room for a kit).

We are all responsible for our own futures, we can't be responsible, and entertainment, for someone else who isn't coping too well. But I don't know how you can make suggestions without it coming across badly. Tricky.

Reading this as a bloke, this isn't something I can see myself or any of my mates getting worked up about.

If somebody was disrupting my work day I'd just have to 'duck out for a conference call' or something. I think that outside of work a friend would be a friend and it wouldn't matter how that friendship started (although I wouldn't expect them to get pissy about missing an impromptu pint after work).

Ah. Move along, nothing to see here.

We have a man's perspective, so that's alright then. There's nothing to get worked up about.

OP is female, the retired colleague is female, but the pp and his mates wouldn't be bothered so why are you even giving this headspace OP?

(GRRRRRRRRR)

It’s sad really. All that freedom but looking backwards all the time. She sounds lonely. This scenario would not be happening to me, I can’t wait to be shot of work and will be legging it without a backwards glance when I get the chance.

I think that somebody more senior needs to have a polite word. She might still be hurt but this situation can’t go on.

We have a man's perspective, so that's alright then. There's nothing to get worked up about

That's a bit mean isn't it? Last I heard blokes opinions weren't banned on here and I do agree with him... work colleagues became either friends or acquaintances when I left work. There was a strong line to cross and at that point they were not work colleagues any more.

Just invite her, she will soon get fed up. have an evening drinks and dont forget to invite her, keep her in the loop. She sounds like she Needs this. Can she come back on a voluntary basis? come back as a temp? you could suggest that to her?

It seems guaranteed that the first few posters will tell an OP she is being mean. 🙄

YANBU OP. I think management need to take this up and have a gentle word with her. Has anyone spoken to them?

I agree MortyVicar. Why even mention you're a bloke? 🙄