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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this former colleague needs to accept that she's gone?

114 replies

user1485342611 · 28/08/2018 17:17

A former colleague of ours retired a few months ago. However, she's behaving as if she still works here. Every day someone gets a call from her asking what's the gossip etc. She calls in at least once a week with a packet of biscuits and joins us for break, but has started hanging around for ages keeping people from their work or going in and out of offices distracting them.

We went for impromptu drinks after work one evening and apparently she was most put out that she'd been 'excluded'. She's already been reminding us to make sure she's kept informed of arrangements for the Christmas party.

I'm all for people keeping in touch, but usually it's by arranging to meet people they were friendly with for lunch or a drink, not expecting the whole workplace to include her in everything.

AIBU to think she really needs to move on and create a new life, instead of behaving as if she never left the place. I do feel sorry for her, as she must be really missing the companionship of work, but it would be far healthier to join some activities and find new interests. We've tried to work it into the conversation a few times, talking about people we know who've joined a choir, taken up aquavit, learnt bridge etc and how much they enjoy it, but she still seems to see her former workplace as her main social outlet.

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 28/08/2018 17:42

I don’t feel you’re being unfair at all.

She should stop dropping in and distracting people doing their jobs just so she can catch up on the office gossip. What does your office manager make of it , has anyone else commented on her inability to let go?

agnurse · 28/08/2018 17:42

I don't think you're being mean at all. I think this woman doesn't know what to do with herself.

If she's lonely, fair enough. But don't make a nuisance of yourself at your old work and then moan because people want to do things without you. Find something to do! Learn to play an instrument. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Take up a hobby.

She needs to recognize that it's not on to expect her former colleagues to provide her with entertainment.

Original poster
user1485342611 · 28/08/2018 17:43

Yes, lots of people have commented. We've just never seen someone clinging on to work so much after they've left. Normally we would see them at the odd thing, and they would have a few closer friends that they would meet up with more often.

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 28/08/2018 17:43

distracting people from a job they are being paid to do is not on

I'm suprised a workplace is allowing that.

Most people who seem to be having sucessful retirement that I know seem to start activties years before they actually retire or taking few months then finding p/t work or doing odd jobs and easing into it for a while.

I think it's very easy to get isolated - however I think woman here has unrealsistic expecations of old workplace and people there - though how that can be conveyed other than with time I'm not sure.

HollowTalk · 28/08/2018 17:44

She shouldn't be calling in during the day time - that's just not on. She needs to get herself sorted for retirement - it is really difficult but she needs a new routine. Could she do some voluntary work, eg listening to new readers in a school?

NonaGrey · 28/08/2018 17:44

Individuals have to take responsibility for not being distracted and delayed.

If they can’t then the boss needs to deal with that.

SilverHairedCat · 28/08/2018 17:45

What kind of workplace is this?

We (civil service) have 2 Xmas parties - a bring a plate picnic lunch at the office to which we invite all retirees and lots of people who have moved on etc, and a night out which only current employees go to. Maybe that's a compromise?

As for the hanging about during the day - that has to stop. Time for management to ask her to move on and stop disturbing people.

Gemini69 · 28/08/2018 17:50

She needs to stay out of the Office.. particularly when it's stopping work being done Flowers

InfiniteVariety · 28/08/2018 17:51

In "The Office" David Brent behaved like this after he lost his job

redexpat · 28/08/2018 17:54

I thought of David Brent too! She needs to be told directly that it is a place of work and that she is disturbing you all - just like David Brent. Passive aggressively dropping hints wont get you anywhere.

Bestseller · 28/08/2018 17:55

Re the distractions I generally find that staff members who find themselves distracted y gossip etc are pretty keen to hear it. If you don't have time to talk to her it's easy to get on with your work if you want to. If others are allowing themselves to be distracted then their line manager needs to deal with that and if that means telling her to stay away that's what they should do.

RedDogsBeg · 28/08/2018 17:55

You are not being mean at all, OP, your retired colleague has no business ringing one of you every day nor turning up once a week and hanging around distracting you all from the work you are paid to do. Nor are ex-employees normally invited to 'work' things such as the Christmas Party, is this usual at your place of work and, if not, why would an exception be made for her?

Is there someone in management/HR who could have a word with her, because I think this is what needs to happen. You are being paid to work not gossip or catch up with ex colleagues.

If you do not want to involve management/HR (which I think you should as it will be better coming from them) then one of you is going to have to speak to her candidly and say you can't take her daily phone calls or weekly visits but you will arrange a catch up outside of work every so often.

ElspethFlashman · 28/08/2018 18:07

We have a work WhatsApp group with a few people on it I didn't know who kept commenting. When asked, it turns out they are retired or have long ago gone to work elsewhere.

It's a bit awkward sometimes, when there's a back and forth about who has keys etc or whether such and such item has been ordered and this stranger (to me) chimes in with some odd banter about it. "Oh has Jean forgotten to order X again? Lol" and it's just so odd.

But there's nothing to be done about it so I just ignore it. I imagine you'll have to ignore it too, OP.

ScreamingValenta · 28/08/2018 18:10

You say you work in an office, so presumably not a place where the general public can wander in and out. Could it be that you need to refresh/tighten up your access controls and visitor policy?

Where I work, only current employees are allowed beyond reception - anyone else would need a visitor's pass, which would only be issued if there was a business justification, or for an official event to which retirees are invited, such as the Christmas Concert.

As for social events, I think you need to be understanding of her need for company while she adjusts to retirement, but be firm in saying that it's unrealistic to invite her to every small, impromptu event.

Encouraging her to organise events with other retirees is an excellent idea.

Mitzimaybe · 28/08/2018 18:11

I would feel exactly as you do so YANBU in my opinion but I wouldn't want to be "that person" who told her she's not welcome any more. Try to let it wash over you and not get so wound up by it.

SerenDippitty · 28/08/2018 18:14

In time most of the people she knows will have moved on and replaced by strangers and she won’t feel as comfortable popping in all the time. And she won’t know the people being gossiped about.

Is there some club or Society for retired employees she could join to talk over old times?

ApolloandDaphne · 28/08/2018 18:23

You are not being mean or unkind. She needs to stop distracting you from your work. I retired from my job a few years back and felt a bit bored and displaced initially but i found things to do in my local area which i now really enjoy. My work colleagues would have been very annoyed if i had kept going back and hanging about in their workplace. It just isn't on.

Sorry10 · 28/08/2018 18:34

Totally unprofessional to just turn up. Ok lunch time maybe but not disturbing everyone. I think someone should let her down gently to say not call so much . Is there a manager who can speak to her ?
It is a little bit sad tbh I do feel sorry for her but retirement is something that’s planned for years . It’s time for her to live and not in the workplace.
It’s gone on for months already so time to do something about it . the Xmas party is for employees people who have worked all year .why should she go ? You could arrange a night out with her and a few others .

IrmaFayLear · 28/08/2018 18:38

I get that it is irritating, but the problem will solve itself as soon as new staff turn up. Offices are rarely static places and soon the jokes about Bob's trousers or the time Wendy left her egg sandwich in the coat cupboard will become irrelevant and there will be new material which the old employee won't understand.

It would be mean to tell her straight that she is not wanted, and certainly not the job of any old staff member. It would have to be the boss who tells her that impromptu visits are distracting.

I suppose social media is not your friend here, as if she is FB friends with some of you she will be up-to-date with the goings on.

OliviaStabler · 28/08/2018 18:48

I think management need to have a discreet chat with her. Calling one of you everyday for gossip and getting annoyed about not being invited to impromptu outings etc is really out of order.

I bet she is staring into retirement and quite frightened to have her main lifeline (work) cut off. She clearly hadn't realised what life after work would be like or made any plans.

I have a great deal of sympathy for her but she is being over the top and it needs to stop so she can carve a new life out for herself instead of clinging onto the past.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2018 18:52

YANBU. Weekly calls and asking why she's not included in a work outing are unnecessary.

By definition of a work outing... you need to work there.

It's okay with regards to the Christmas do..but the constant asking about gossip would irritate me.

CSIblonde · 28/08/2018 18:53

She's lonely. I'd be making conversation about how you would fill the time in same boat for a start: "I can't wait to retire, I'll be volunteering, getting a dog, finally getting round to painting classes. What are you going to enjoy now that you have time to indulge your passions". She might need a push or a handhold, it's scary starting a different life: offer to help her research stuff?

SkiFiend · 28/08/2018 19:00

She sounds lonely- retirement can be really hard.

That said, she shouldn't be coming into the office. It's one thing to pop back once or twice but doing so repeatedly is just not on- someone needs to talk to her about it. I'd suggest her former manager, as then it's clear it's a work issue, and maybe put it in terms of a workplace policy about non staff members on the premises. Really, non-employees should not be able to come and go as they please. Who is letting her in?

Roussette · 28/08/2018 19:13

Of course you're not being mean To me, it's seriously weird to keep hanging round the office where you worked. It may be blunt, but she is history and things move on.

Yes, she might be finding retirement tricky but it isn't helping her hanging onto her old workplace like a life line. She needs to make a new life and I would be doing all I could to encourage that. I'm surprised management allow her to wander into the office.

I retired not that long ago. I would not dream of going back. I keep in touch with those who I want to but on a personal level as friends/work colleagues who I get on well with, via Whatsapp email etc. It has been mooted that I will be invited to this year's Xmas party (a nice thought) but I wont go, I'll feel too out of it and I don't think it would be right.

ThatFridayFeeling · 28/08/2018 19:26

This is totally David Brent from The Office! Right down to the expected invitation to the Xmas party, lol. YANBU! She is clearly lonely but needs to make a life for herself outside the workplace and by pandering to her, you're not doing her any favours. Neil had a word with David on the telly, I think it should come from management (inc that the Xmas party is for current employees only!). You haven't said how the others in your workplace perceive her visits, do they also find it intrusive? Or are they happy to see her?