Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this former colleague needs to accept that she's gone?

114 replies

user1485342611 · 28/08/2018 17:17

A former colleague of ours retired a few months ago. However, she's behaving as if she still works here. Every day someone gets a call from her asking what's the gossip etc. She calls in at least once a week with a packet of biscuits and joins us for break, but has started hanging around for ages keeping people from their work or going in and out of offices distracting them.

We went for impromptu drinks after work one evening and apparently she was most put out that she'd been 'excluded'. She's already been reminding us to make sure she's kept informed of arrangements for the Christmas party.

I'm all for people keeping in touch, but usually it's by arranging to meet people they were friendly with for lunch or a drink, not expecting the whole workplace to include her in everything.

AIBU to think she really needs to move on and create a new life, instead of behaving as if she never left the place. I do feel sorry for her, as she must be really missing the companionship of work, but it would be far healthier to join some activities and find new interests. We've tried to work it into the conversation a few times, talking about people we know who've joined a choir, taken up aquavit, learnt bridge etc and how much they enjoy it, but she still seems to see her former workplace as her main social outlet.

OP posts:
IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 07:42

People saying "it won't go on forever", just how long do you expect OP and her colleagues to put up with the distraction?
It's been a few months already.

I can imagine it is quite difficult to just get on with work when someone is hanging about wittering away; that's enough of a problem in some offices with chatterboxes, never mind with hangers on who have no work to actually do at all.

Get your manager to have a word OP; if you are the manager then you need to have a word. Difficult, but necessary. I would imagine that once you put a stop to the work day drop ins she will cool off about the impromptu nights out too.

Slartybartfast · 29/08/2018 07:45

she comes in at break times, not while they are working. this is what op has said.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 07:54

@Slartybartfast "...has started hanging around for ages keeping people from their work or going in and out of offices distracting them"

Havaina · 29/08/2018 07:54

Slarty, OP also said she 'has started hanging around for ages keeping people from their work or going in and out of offices distracting them.'

That's disruptive and unacceptable.

SerenDippitty · 29/08/2018 07:54

I was the one who suggested that her visits would become less comfortable as familiar faces moved on and yes I do appreciate that this have been going on for months already. I do get how bereft she must be feeling. But she is not just coming in at break times and then leaving. According to OP she is hanging around for ages going in and out of people’s offices. Perhaps people need to get a bit more assertive in saying they have meetings to go to and deadlines to meet etc. There is no need to exclude her from after hours or lunchtime stuff, these will become less fun for her as time goes on.

chocatoo · 29/08/2018 08:09

Be kind and cut her a bit of slack. Is there any kind of part time job she could get involved with? I think it will come to a natural end as she and the office moves on so there will be less to talk about.

Roussette · 29/08/2018 08:14

have an evening drinks and dont forget to invite her

Why? So if everyone piles off to the pub after work, someone has to contact her and invite her to come? That's ridiculous and not what happens in RL !

Ditto if everyone goes out to lunch at the last minute. Who wants Joan from Admin turning up and when you're all having a laugh about what happened that morning, having to go into great detail about the story because 'Joan' has no idea what you're on about and wants the 'gossip'

Look... I'm not coldhearted but when you retire you have to embrace retirement and look forward. Not look back and hang on to your old workplace like a lifeline, it's not good for you.

I really need to know if she has family and is married.

Slartybartfast · 29/08/2018 08:16

Suggest she come back on a part time basis? but be kind. it is a large upheaval obviously and life changing

Roussette · 29/08/2018 08:18

Gosh. Speaking as one who has retired... yes, it's a big thing but also it;s not something that is sprung on you. You have plenty of time to prepare and work out how you're going to fill your time, and going back to your old work place continually should not be part of that.

herworldoutsideit · 29/08/2018 08:33

She must have no friends out of work. I kinda feel sorry for her but agree that management probably need to have a gentle word about appropriate boundaries now she doesn't work there. How is she even getting in the building?
She really needs to build up a new life. Its gonna be tough being as it doesn't sound like she has ever built up a life outside of work. But in the end it will be better for her self esteem to have her own life that is her thing rather than having to pressurise ex colleagues to let her be a tag along.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 08:44

Some truly ridiculous suggestions on this thread.

She has retired - what sort of business can afford to give retirees made-up part-time hobby jobs to fill their time?

OutPinked · 29/08/2018 08:47

I feel sorry for her, she’s obviously lonely. I don’t see why it bothers you unless you have some sort of personal vendetta against her tbh.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 29/08/2018 08:49

The thing about familiar faces moving on soon enough, that can't be guaranteed. There are some workplaces where staff turnover is pretty high, especially bigger ones I suppose. I've also worked in one in particular that was fairly small, about 20 staff, where the core of the place had all been there forever. Like decades. I think the one who'd come most recently had arrived maybe 7 or 8 years before, and median length of service must've been 15 years at least. Most of them were about 40-60, so not imminently retiring. If this had happened in that particular workplace, it would've been years before any of the main crew left. They basically just got trainees in every couple of years and the occasional temp. That was it. Although saying that, they'd all have absolutely loved it if a retiree had come in to hang around, so maybe there'd have been no issue.

Also, male commenters are one thing, but starting your post 'reading this as a bloke', nah mate.

CoughLaughFart · 29/08/2018 08:56

I've also worked in one in particular that was fairly small, about 20 staff, where the core of the place had all been there forever. Like decades.

Given that this retiree seems to come and go from the building as she pleases, it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s exactly the sort of company we’re talking about. If it’s becoming a genuine problem, the OP and her colleagues can’t really afford to just wait for this woman’s friends to leave.

Movablefeast · 29/08/2018 08:59

I think that fact that she is offended and annoyed at not being invited to the Christmas party means she is somewhat delusional and has really not accepted reality. She no longer works there! No one needs to be to going out of their way to be managing her life. Of course be kind but to enable her to keep up this behaviour is not fair on the employees, the OP is obviously finding her distracting. She is clearly very lonely and has not succeeded in making the transition to retirement.

It would seem to make the most sense to have HR chat to her if there is any constructive help they can offer, a “New to retirement” group or something. But I agree that boundaries should be put in place, it’s not appropriate for her to be wandering around the workplace interrupting people. If there is a gatekeeper such as a receptionist that can prevent her or a security card etc. that should happen. Maybe management needs to step in to help reinforce the boundary, kindly but firmly, by having a chat and helping her understand she can’t keep that behaviour up.

I think expecting work colleagues to bend over backwards for her is nuts, she needs encouragement to move on, not to try and muscle in on a work environment she is no longer part of .

Lydiaatthebarre · 29/08/2018 09:59

I think some of the earlier posts on this thread are unfair. Nowhere has the OP implied that they dislike this woman or want to totally bin her and exclude her.

But it's not fair to pressurise them to include her in everything. That way ad hoc arrangements will just turn into complicated plans (oh Irene's bus won't get her here til 7 so we'll have to hang on until then etc) and existing staff will be put off.

She really should get involved in voluntary work or join an active retirement group or a book club or take up yoga or swimming and get to know people in her community. Far more fulfilling than hanging around work all the time and ringing colleagues everyday and deluding yourself that you're still part of the workplace.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 29/08/2018 10:44

That's what I thought cough. It sounds like quite a small place, maybe a small firm or a branch office, where people are pretty close knit. Totally different vibe to eg a large corporate or even public sector place with a few hundred employees where there are loads of people you don't know and the staff roster will change on a monthly basis.

Sparklesocks · 29/08/2018 11:27

God if it were me I'd never look back...!

But agreed with PP she clearly must be lonely and struggling to accept this new chapter of her life if she's so keen.

We had a similar issue, a woman left for a new job and stayed in the work group whatsapp - and she's always asking to be included in after work drinks, which is fine, but occasionally we'll have a spontaneous evening out, or go out after a training day etc, and she wouldn't have been invited as it wasn't planned. Someone might put 'we are at the bar' on the whatsapp and she'd get wind of it and get really arsey for not being invited. It's not meant to be malicious, but it's hard to include ex-colleagues for every work related thing. Sometimes you just leave the office and go straight to the pub, and you aren't thinking about ex staff in that moment.

Hopefully this lady will get bored soon, but if she's distracting colleagues or interrupting I think a manager should have a quiet word.

Roussette · 29/08/2018 13:09

What I don't get is... like your ex work colleague sparkle... getting arsey for not being invited to after ex-work's drinks. I'd feel such an idiot going in the first place! why don't these people? You've left. You do not work there anymore. You're history.

I would never want to breeze in to an after works drinks at the pub where I don't work anymore! Everyone is just being polite tolerating you surely, because the clue is in the word 'work' and you don't work there any more!

SerenDippitty · 29/08/2018 13:27

I certainly would not want to go to the works Christmas do, I’d be glad not to have to.

Slartybartfast · 29/08/2018 13:36

Perhaps she will get the hint if you tell her the Christmas do is for current staff only, and ask her if she wants to come back

Sparklesocks · 29/08/2018 13:46

Roussette I don't understand either, I like my work colleagues and we have a laugh but I'd always rather see my real friends!

MadamBatty · 29/08/2018 13:50

Where I work nobody can get in without signing in, stating who they’re going to see & being collected then left back at reception to sign out. This is partly for fire/safety/insurance reasons. Could your company be implementing this policy?

Honeypickle · 29/08/2018 13:51

Isn't security an issue? Am thinking you don't need to show a security ID pass to access your office, which would be a natural barrier to her hanging around!

It would be very humiliating for her to be told to move on but it sounds like you might be getting to that stage where it's necessary!

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 13:55

You talk a lot about 'we'-we being you and colleagues. Clearly you dont include her in that. Sounds like you have separated her from everyone else who you see as yours. Do others feel like you? Shes human the same as all of you.