Stepchildren in our bedroom?

[Autumnfairy82]

Married to DH who has two daughters from a previous relationship, aged 15 & 13.

We have since welcomed our own DD who is 1.
DSDs stay with us approx 3 nights a week.

We have had our problems over the years with his girls not accepting me and the issues that come with that nevertheless I have persevered and since my DD was born things have improved but we do still have problems sometimes.

When things get too much with their behaviour I retreat to our bedroom.
I have said to DH that I don’t want either of DSDs in our bedroom. That is our space.
Neither of them are little girls anymore, they don’t need to come into our room. Plus in more recent years items of my jewellery, make-up and the odd belonging here and there have gone missing from our bedroom never to be seen again (I suspect all items were taken back to their mother’s house).
DH refuses to believe that either of them could have stolen anything even though on one occasion we found an item of mine in older DSD’s bag as she was getting ready to go home. Upon asking her about it she threw a massive tantrum.

Since going back to work from maternity leave, I’ve come home to find them lying on my bed, or on other occasions they leave something belonging to them on my bed - a hat, hoodie, etc.
Also, we have a big issue with their hygiene, they do not like to shower and sometimes they stink. I don’t appreciate my duvet cover smelling of them. They have their own bedrooms and plenty of other places in the house to chill.
At other times upon going upstairs, one or both of them have run out of our bedroom into their own rooms and act all innocent when I ask them why they were in there (they usually do this when DH is at work).

I’ve asked DH to keep them out of there yet he thinks IABU.

I just feel like I need one place in the house I can escape to which is strictly mine and his, a private space, especially when it all gets too much and I need to take a breath.
This step-parenting is so hard at times. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? AIBU?

I'm not a step parent but my own kids aren't allowed in my room unless I'm in it. ONCE I allowed dd2 who is responsible to sit on my bed and watch Netflix. Dd1 is not responsible enough - my room would be trashed.

I'd ignore the stealing thing. Dh obviously isn't going to go with that. Just say it's your space and you don't want other people in it. Every parent wants their own sanctuary from the kids.

Wow, YANBU. Could you put a lock on your bedroom door? Sounds harsh but might be the only way. Or put a camera in there with a motion detector? (that you switch off when you get home)

Could you put a lock on your door? I know it's not nice to have to lock a room in your own home, but at least it would give you piece of mind that they can't get in there, and show them in no uncertain terms that it is a private space. If your DH thinks you are BU though, he may object to this, or refuse to lock it when he's about.

You don't seem to like them very much OP? Poor kids

Sounds to me like they're marking their territory iyswim?

Power I'd struggle to like my own kids if they stank and stole from me.

I'd put a lock on the door.

Put a lock on the door and keep the key around your neck.

It sounds tough for all of you, OP, but this

I don’t appreciate my duvet cover smelling of them

really does make it sound like you don't like them much. I think that's the problem you need to solve, rather than who's BU about them being in your bedroom.

(I was a stepmother for years and I do appreciate it's hard, but I never would have banned my DSC - whom I still see even though their dad and I aren't together any more - from any part of the house. Horses for courses, though.)

I have considered a lock but thought I’d see what others thought about the situation. I’m not sure DH would agree to a lock but if it carries on I may just do it.

I agree it makes sense in principle but very hard to implement if they are used to being in your room.

Here (no step children involved) no-one goes into another's room without permission. DSs aren't banned from our room but they'll either be "invited" in e.g. "Come here DS I need to talk to you", will ask if they can go in to fetch something or will knock if we're already in there. Likewise I don't go into DSs' rooms without knocking and they are responsible for fetching their own laundry, changing the beds and cleaning and I prefer not to see themess

I don't remember implementing this as a rule it just evolved as standard practice in our house as DC got older and everyone needed a bit of privacy.

Very hard to put in place now the girls are already teens, especially if you don't have DH's support though.

Do they have a room each when they're with you? If not I can understand why they might sometime seek sanctuary on your bed - for the same reason you'd like to. When we're at my parents DS1, when aged c. 12-15 would often ask mum if he could go and sit on her bed for a while for a bit of quiet time. Again he wouldn't have dreamed of doing it without permission though.

I don’t particularly like my own kids hanging around in my room without me in it and they’re younger than your stepchildren. I’d be fitting a lock on my door if anything of mine started to go missing from my room and they’d not be hanging round in there at all. You shouldn’t have to lock your bedroom door in your home but not much else you can do.

I’m that they actually smell bad and don’t wash though. I don’t know any girls that age who were that lax on personal hygiene (plenty of lads though....)

I would lock the door as well.

People seem to be missing the point that often we dislike our own teenagers because it is a selfish and, at times, difficult age. Maybe the OP would be happier and more tolerant knowing her room is off limits and that she has taken action to ensure it. After all, the only way her DSDs will know it is locked is if they try to go in there when they have no reason to.

Also to add I don’t hang around in my children’s rooms much either.

YANBU at all and he needs to put down clear boundaries and stop taking the piss.

You have every right to your room being private. They have their rooms, I bet they wouldn’t like it if you were lounging around on their beds or poking through their belongings.

I’m a sm and we’ve never had to lay down any rules because thankfully it’s never been an issue but my dsc wander in in the morning and get in bed with us sometimes or have a chat before breakfast and then they don’t come in when we’re not here. They can pop in if they need something but if they want to lounge around they do it on their own beds or on the sofa. I’d be perfectly open about our bed and our room not being a bloody playroom if it was an issue. It’s literally the only space in the house that’s just mine/ours and I’d be happy to put up a fight to defend it. I absolutely adore them and they pretty much take over everywhere else, it’s not petty or unwelcoming or mean to have one quiet corner.

They’re younger than yours and prone to general wandering but when they’re clamouring for breakfast or whatever and I’m trying to get changed I say “I’m getting changed now, give me a minute, I’ll be down shortly” and they trot off. I’ve given my life to them, sometimes I need 5 minutes to pull on my jeans in private!

Have a frank talk with your husband. Make a fuss if you need to (and you shouldn’t, he’s being a twat) and then buy a lock. If he can’t be trusted to respect you and your space he doesn’t get a key.

I don’t dislike them. I try my best to get the balance right - I’m not their mum yet I do care and want the best for them it’s just at times I need my space.
It may sound harsh saying they smell but they do. I’ve tried everything to encourage them to wash but when I get into bed after they’ve been lounging on it, my cover does smell strongly of their body odour. They’re both very athletic and do a lot of exercise - yet they don’t shower afterwards and this goes on for days sometimes.

Sound like they are doing it to wind you up a bit. Power game. The more you resist and make it clear it bothers you the more they do it. I wonder if you acted like you didn't care it would lose its appeal?

YANBU. My own DCs aren't allowed in my room without me as they have sod all respect sometimes.

Your SDDs have no reason at all to go in your room. Tell your DH you are fitting a lock as they don't respect your privacy and he won't listen.

If you’re going to have the same rule for your DD as she gets older, I think you’re fair enough. If not, you’re not being fair.

Our room is our room, the kids don’t go in it unless we’re in it. That’s our own kids and step kids.

But I wouldn’t have one rule for one and another for another.

Put a lock on your door. Everyone deserves privacy OP. Mine is locked and I carry the key with me.

Had this issue with sd. Had to make it very very clear our room was off limits. It will not hurt them to be banned from a room. Locks sound like the best solution

I'm sensitive to smell, too - and I wouldn't like to have anyone's scent (for want of a better word) on my bed except mine and DH's - even if that scent was a pleasant one.

This is an issue of personal privacy and abuse of trust.

Of course, you could start raking around in their things and binning their shite if this continues. And looking very innocent and round-eyed and denying everything when accessed.

How are they towards your baby? No spiteful nips etc I hope?

You don't seem to like them very much OP? Poor kids

Ridiculous comment.

OP YANBU, my own kids are not allowed into my room without my say so and they respect this. Put a lock on your door.

No concern about their behaviour towards DD. They’ve been amazing with her since she was born and DD adores her big sisters.

YANBU

My DSC rarely ever come in our room, they have their own rooms and other places in the house. They know our room is off limits.

I'd be pissed right off if I were you OP, your DH needs to step in. Especially with the stealing, I wouldn't let that go with my own DS so there is no way I would keep quiet if the DSC were doing it