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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepchildren in our bedroom?

110 replies

Autumnfairy82 · 28/08/2018 16:15

Married to DH who has two daughters from a previous relationship, aged 15 & 13.

We have since welcomed our own DD who is 1.
DSDs stay with us approx 3 nights a week.

We have had our problems over the years with his girls not accepting me and the issues that come with that nevertheless I have persevered and since my DD was born things have improved but we do still have problems sometimes.

When things get too much with their behaviour I retreat to our bedroom.
I have said to DH that I don’t want either of DSDs in our bedroom. That is our space.
Neither of them are little girls anymore, they don’t need to come into our room. Plus in more recent years items of my jewellery, make-up and the odd belonging here and there have gone missing from our bedroom never to be seen again (I suspect all items were taken back to their mother’s house).
DH refuses to believe that either of them could have stolen anything even though on one occasion we found an item of mine in older DSD’s bag as she was getting ready to go home. Upon asking her about it she threw a massive tantrum.

Since going back to work from maternity leave, I’ve come home to find them lying on my bed, or on other occasions they leave something belonging to them on my bed - a hat, hoodie, etc.
Also, we have a big issue with their hygiene, they do not like to shower and sometimes they stink. I don’t appreciate my duvet cover smelling of them. They have their own bedrooms and plenty of other places in the house to chill.
At other times upon going upstairs, one or both of them have run out of our bedroom into their own rooms and act all innocent when I ask them why they were in there (they usually do this when DH is at work).

I’ve asked DH to keep them out of there yet he thinks IABU.

I just feel like I need one place in the house I can escape to which is strictly mine and his, a private space, especially when it all gets too much and I need to take a breath.
This step-parenting is so hard at times. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? AIBU?

OP posts:
adaline · 28/08/2018 20:17

I don't see a problem.

I was only allowed in my parents' room as a child if they were in it, or if I had express permission to go and get something from there. All adults should be allowed their own personal space away from children, be they biological or step.

Put a lot on the door if they won't respect your privacy.

Needahairbrush · 28/08/2018 20:20

In lying on your bed I think they are ‘marking their territory’.
I think it’s really odd for teenage girls to be smelly too, could they be doing this on purpose, trying to get a showdown with you about it?
The stealing shouldn’t be ignored, it’s really disrespectful and for that reason alone I’d ban them from my room.

LouHotel · 28/08/2018 20:23

Your DH is being very naive thinking his DD are not 'borrowing jewellery and makeup.

I ruined many an estee lauder set learning how to do makeup (and my mum's carpet with nail polish) - that got me banned from her room.

You need to have a sit down to discuss in depth that its not acceptable and theybjave their own space.

The only thing I will say is I liked hanging out in my own room because around 12/13 my own bedroom had alot of child items and decor still in it. I can remember getting a 'grown up' update from pink walls to more stylish and spent alot more time in there.

LouHotel · 28/08/2018 20:24

Should say I liked hanging out in my mum's rooms because mine was so child like still.

campion · 28/08/2018 20:30

No one seems to be showing you any respect. Your DH doesn't want to get involved so is in denial and I agree the girls seem to be marking their territory. And are also proverbially putting 2 fingers up to you.

You can't allow that to continue unless you are happy to be last in the pecking order. You're going to have to be assertive. You make the rules on this, not them.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 28/08/2018 20:45

You have tried the reasonable approach. It's time to put a lock on your bedroom door. It can be unlocked when DH is home and he can tell them to get out. But I don't think that will be an issue as they won't do it when he is home.

Thehop · 28/08/2018 21:06

Lock on the door

Cameras first of you need to (and don’t tell him or them) so you have evidence to show him.

This is honestly awful, no wonder you’re so upset.

Little cow bags.

adjsavedmylife · 29/08/2018 10:20

Not rtft but if you’re concerned DP won’t bother locking you could get one of those code locks fitted...

thegreylady · 29/08/2018 10:30

I have 3 step dc and 2 blood dc. They were all teens when we got together. The rule was no one went into anyone else’s room without permission, ever. As far a small I know none of the five ever went into our room when we weren’t there.
I remember dd aged 15 waking up with a bad migraine and coming into our room and into bed on my side and once dss woke us as his brother was stranded and needed to be picked up.
In your situation I would definitely get a lock. The stealing is wrong and should be challenged every time.

Ellie56 · 29/08/2018 11:03

I think cathy87's suggestion is a good one.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 29/08/2018 11:12

I've got two (smelly) preteens, they are my own bio kids and the thought of them in my bed stinking it up absolutley disgusts me, they regularly sneak in and I throw them straight back out again.

Thinkingallowed85 · 29/08/2018 11:16

Just to reframe...they probably don’t think they are stealing from you. I would ‘borrow’ stuff from my mum as a teenager. It wasn’t malicious! Now, obviously I wouldn’t do that but labelling it as stealing is probably making your feelings about it worse.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 29/08/2018 11:17

Same goes for their sibling whos a grotty toddler, I will change sheets if they have the faintest whiff of something strange. My bed is my sanctuary.

If something is missing OP could you not ask individually if they've seen it, or if they can help find it, bear in mind there's a good chance your baby has had a few items.
I would be inclined to set glitter traps around desirable items to find the culprit!

Thinkingallowed85 · 29/08/2018 11:17

I mean would you call the police for theft if your sister took your jumper as a teen. I’m not saying it’s right but it probably isn’t done with bad intentions.

NorthernSpirit · 29/08/2018 11:19

I have 2 DSC. None of us enter the others rooms without asking. It’s manners. Happy for the kids to go in our (mine and their dads room) while we are in there. But they wouldn’t enter otherwise. We’ve set that behaviour from a young age. I wouldn’t go into their room without asking.

My DSD is 13 and smells. Won’t shower, comes to us with greasy hair. My only advice here (and not sure I’m the best role model) is to take her to Boots and let her choose her own smellies. Personally i’m Hoping a bit of peer pressure kicks in.

Belindabauer · 29/08/2018 11:28

I' d put a lock on your bedroom door and wouldn't give a damn about the fallout. They are being very disrespectful.
No doubt they will kick off about it but so what?
Also teenagers can and do smell.My own ds went through a stage and f snell by and I called him out on it. Obviously he is my son so it's easier to deal with but it's awful having someone smell like that.

BlackInk · 29/08/2018 11:30

I feel sorry for your step daughters OP.

They stay with you three nights a week - it's as much their home as it is yours! I can't imagine having a home in which anyone was banned from entering any room.

Obviously they should be taught to knock if the door is closed, and to respect your belongings and need for privacy if you're in there. But banning them seems hostile to me. Treat it like any other room and they'll almost certainly lose interest in spending time there.

They love your DD and she loves them. They're your own husband's DDs. This is a great basis for welcoming them into your family, and working with them on their more antisocial habits.

HaveSomeGrace · 29/08/2018 11:34

When they use their bedrooms do they shut the door and stay in there for hours? I think I’d be inclined too tell them if they don’t keep out of my room, their rooms would have their doors removed until they learn the meaning of privacy. It would infuriate me an awful lot if I was in your situation. Defo agree get a lock and get it fitted regardless of your husbands input. I also like the idea of a Doberman!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/08/2018 11:37

There's no need for them to be in the OP's bedroom blackink.

They have their own bedrooms and other rooms in the house to chill out in. To me it sounds like there is a power game in play here.

I doubt they would be happy with their step mum lounging on their beds leaving a smell!

comeasyouare1 · 29/08/2018 11:43

YANBU I completely agree, get a lock on your bedroom door or have a house rule for all kids that they don't come in your room.

I had similar issues with SD, going through my things then telling her mum what I had! You also need your own space and they need to learn some boundaries.

BlackInk · 29/08/2018 11:44

I agree, it probably is a power game and the girls are pushing boundaries, but OP is the grown up here. Her room wouldn't be so appealing if they weren't banned from it. The idea of a banned room just seems hostile and unwelcoming to me.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/08/2018 11:49

That's the thing though they haven't been banned as the DH doesn't agree with the OP.

TeddybearBaby · 29/08/2018 11:54

Get a lock if you want ☺️. I don’t see that as much of a big deal as the stinkiness, is it ‘normal’ for teens do you think? I don’t have any yet but I know for a fact that I would not stand for it. Making a kid wash is just basic parenting isn’t it? Doesn’t your dp mind?! Good luck, doesn’t sound easy at all!!

puffyisgood · 29/08/2018 11:59

yanbu

nokidshere · 29/08/2018 12:02

Of course you are allowed your privacy regardless of the fact that they are stepchildren or not. My own two haven't been in my room without permission since they were in primary school.

I would either put an alarm on the door that is really loud which will make them jump and hopefully change their minds, or I would wander in and out of their rooms and lie around on their bed frequently until they understand the need for privacy.

First of all though I would sit everyone down and explain that it has to stop and that if they want you to respect their privacy then they must respect yours. Once you have made yourself clear there will be no excuses from either them or your dh.

My friends with daughters of similar ages report similar tales of bad hygiene, it's not unusual for teenagers, male or female, to go through a period of revoltingness. It will pass.

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