Stepchildren in our bedroom?

[Autumnfairy82]

Married to DH who has two daughters from a previous relationship, aged 15 & 13.

We have since welcomed our own DD who is 1.
DSDs stay with us approx 3 nights a week.

We have had our problems over the years with his girls not accepting me and the issues that come with that nevertheless I have persevered and since my DD was born things have improved but we do still have problems sometimes.

When things get too much with their behaviour I retreat to our bedroom.
I have said to DH that I don’t want either of DSDs in our bedroom. That is our space.
Neither of them are little girls anymore, they don’t need to come into our room. Plus in more recent years items of my jewellery, make-up and the odd belonging here and there have gone missing from our bedroom never to be seen again (I suspect all items were taken back to their mother’s house).
DH refuses to believe that either of them could have stolen anything even though on one occasion we found an item of mine in older DSD’s bag as she was getting ready to go home. Upon asking her about it she threw a massive tantrum.

Since going back to work from maternity leave, I’ve come home to find them lying on my bed, or on other occasions they leave something belonging to them on my bed - a hat, hoodie, etc.
Also, we have a big issue with their hygiene, they do not like to shower and sometimes they stink. I don’t appreciate my duvet cover smelling of them. They have their own bedrooms and plenty of other places in the house to chill.
At other times upon going upstairs, one or both of them have run out of our bedroom into their own rooms and act all innocent when I ask them why they were in there (they usually do this when DH is at work).

I’ve asked DH to keep them out of there yet he thinks IABU.

I just feel like I need one place in the house I can escape to which is strictly mine and his, a private space, especially when it all gets too much and I need to take a breath.
This step-parenting is so hard at times. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? AIBU?

Making a kid wash is just basic parenting isn’t it?

You really can't make teenagers do things. You have to pass the responsibility to them at some point or you will end up fighting over everything and it's so not worth it.

Even if they go in the bathroom and run the tap you have no idea if they have actually washed.

My own strategy for not showering, clothes dirty or crumpled (or both) on the floor is to leave them to it. I do not go in my teens rooms. I do not collect washing, I do not take responsibility for their hygiene. When they have no clean clothes left, or they need an item to wear for something specific, they soon get the message that if they want to be clean and well turned out they have to do their bit. It's a normal stage of development for teenagers and thankfully, in our case anyway, it was relatively short lived.

Oh god I’m going to struggle with this I think, wish me luck 😫

Making a kid wash is just basic parenting isn’t it?
IMO - yes!! I make my 2 sporty DS teen wash without a doubt. Without being heavily prompted they would stink the house out with sweatiness, dirty sports kit smell and stinking feet! I also tell them If they haven’t brushed their teeth well enough as I’ve spent so much time on dentists & braces I can’t stand bad personal hygiene.

Ha ha ha - make a stinky teen wash! 😂

I absolutely do make my stinky teens wash!!
I accept they don’t want to and moan heartily but they get made to have a shower!

A different take on things OP. I was the step daughter who (only years later I discovered) was accused of 'marking my territory', stealing stuff and being disrespectful of boundaries. This came as such a shock to me as pre Step Mum my dad would call us into his bed to chat or watch TV and me taking a pair of socks from his drawer was not an issue. It was a communication issue, my DF didn't have a problem with it but my step mum was silently seething. I must admit I would have felt really sad if we had been banned from their room as I have such fond memories of us chilling out (well us and DF) on his bed, it never occurred to me that I was invading SMs space and I certainly wasn't trying to mark any territories!

YADNBU. You are entitled to a private space in your own home and all DC should be taught to respect others (especially their P / SP).

As an aside, do you knock on their room doors before entering? This would be a useful example to set.

I would lay down the law here, and yes, go so far as to get a lock if you do not get the respect and privacy you do deserve. Another thing you could do is get a little motion detector camera so you can see if anyone goes in. They are under £50 on Amazon now. Then there's hard and fast evidence to confront them with.

Good luck OP

I've never heard of family members banned from rooms in real life.

I've never heard of family members banned from rooms in real life

People don't have to be 'banned' if they are respectful of other people's things.

There isn't really any good reason to go into someone's room when nothing in there belongs to you. Everyone deserves some privacy. Teenagers will often hate their parents going into their room.
Just because you are related doesn't give you a right to invade each other's space.