Stepchildren in our bedroom?

[Autumnfairy82]

Married to DH who has two daughters from a previous relationship, aged 15 & 13.

We have since welcomed our own DD who is 1.
DSDs stay with us approx 3 nights a week.

We have had our problems over the years with his girls not accepting me and the issues that come with that nevertheless I have persevered and since my DD was born things have improved but we do still have problems sometimes.

When things get too much with their behaviour I retreat to our bedroom.
I have said to DH that I don’t want either of DSDs in our bedroom. That is our space.
Neither of them are little girls anymore, they don’t need to come into our room. Plus in more recent years items of my jewellery, make-up and the odd belonging here and there have gone missing from our bedroom never to be seen again (I suspect all items were taken back to their mother’s house).
DH refuses to believe that either of them could have stolen anything even though on one occasion we found an item of mine in older DSD’s bag as she was getting ready to go home. Upon asking her about it she threw a massive tantrum.

Since going back to work from maternity leave, I’ve come home to find them lying on my bed, or on other occasions they leave something belonging to them on my bed - a hat, hoodie, etc.
Also, we have a big issue with their hygiene, they do not like to shower and sometimes they stink. I don’t appreciate my duvet cover smelling of them. They have their own bedrooms and plenty of other places in the house to chill.
At other times upon going upstairs, one or both of them have run out of our bedroom into their own rooms and act all innocent when I ask them why they were in there (they usually do this when DH is at work).

I’ve asked DH to keep them out of there yet he thinks IABU.

I just feel like I need one place in the house I can escape to which is strictly mine and his, a private space, especially when it all gets too much and I need to take a breath.
This step-parenting is so hard at times. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? AIBU?

YANBU. Everyone needs their own space.

Leave a large laminated photo of their dad in a leather thong on the bed. They’ll never come back in.

YADNBU. No-one is 'allowed' in our bedroom apart from me and DH, there is absolutely no reason anyone would need to go in there apart from us. And that includes my SD. I'd definitely be getting a lock.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to instruct them (and DH) that some new ground rules are happening, and expect everyone to abide by them.

I knock before opening DS1's door. DS2 is only 7 and his door is always open, but as he gets older I'll knock on that, too. I don't have any hard and fast rules about my room but they know it's off-limits unless they ask. It's not U at all to expect some privacy; if it was their privacy being invaded you can be sure they'd have strong views, as would your DH.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. Your request is not only eminently reasonable, it us understandable under the circumstances. And his refusal to believe his daughters take your things, in spite it being obvious that they do, would have me seriously upset with him.

He needs to put a stop to their behaviour and he needs to back you up. This is YOUR home and YOUR belongings and YOUR limited space. He needs to apologize to you and back you up on this.

Get a lock.

I was never allowed in my own mothers room unsupervised....and i didnt smell or steal things!!!

Lock the door OP - i would also ban my children from my room whe I am not in it...

I would also show your DH this thread. He needs a sharp reality check about what teenagers can be like, including his.

They are stealing.
They are disrespecting you and your things.
They are playing him.
And they stink.

He needs to be a better father, frankly, not 'give in and gullible' dad because he doesn't have them as often as he might like. He's doing them no favours by pretending all is well and 'they wouldn't do that' when all evidence says they do.

When I said forget about the stealing I didn't mean full stop. I meant in the discussion with dh about the room. I think of the op brings up stealing he's going to see that and nothing else. The stealing can be dealt with at another time.

I’m another suggesting a lock on the door. I don’t have stepchildren BUT my own daughter was helping herself to my clothes, watching tv in our room (while snacking - leaving wrappers and crumbs). For me the last straw was “borrowing” my new make up and losing it. I hadnt even used it yet. I put a lock on the door. Husband was not happy about it so I had to unlock the door before he came home.

If you have a chat about your and DH room being off limits then in reality, the SD shouldn’t even know the door is locked as they have no reason to try the door, so they shouldn’t even know it’s locked. If they comment why the door is locked, then it’s very clear they’re trying to get into the bedroom and you would be very reasonable to then ask them why they were trying to get into your bedroom when they know it’s off limits.

If they truly are stinkers they need some support.

I’ve not had this issue with my DSD, however there was one time where she nearly gave us both a heart attack! It was half 5 in the morning at the weekend and she stood at my partners side of the bed just staring at him (it was like a scene off a horror film!) anyway my partner woke up with a scream (well a manly one) which in turn woke me up with a what the fuck is going on?! I was 30 weeks pregnant at the time nearly went into labour! (Just kidding)

Anyway is there a reason they prefer your room to theirs? Ie bigger telly, Netflix, sky?
If so would it be possible to get thise things for their rooms?

I like what a previous poster has said about having a picture of their dad in a thong! They would probably run out of there screaming!

Yes, you need to be able to lock your door, this isn't acceptable.

If DH won't back you, what will you do?

Generally none of my children are allowed in my bedroom. I'm just mean like that :) maybe just make it a blanket rule and if it fails put a lock on the door. A subtle one. I would if I felt it was warranted as it's my house :)

I think your feelings are totally understandable.
I wouldn’t want anyone smelly on my bed. That includes my DH.
Being a stepmum is very hard. They have their own rooms. You are entitled to your private space.
I actually find the fact you have told them to stay out of it repeatedly and they have ignored you annoying. And I’m just hearing about it, not living it.
It’s not up to them to decide which house rules they will follow.
It’s isnt unreasonable. I’d expect my DP to
back me.

Leave some lube lying around on the bedside table or a vibrator

My room is out of bounds to my DC unless I am in it or I have asked them to retrieve something from in there. They occasionally will end up in our bed if they have had a bad nightmare or are sick but other than that, they are not babies anymore and accept it is our space and that they have their own.

I agree with putting a lock on the door.

I would also show your DH this thread.

I agree. And if he says everyone’s agreeing because you’re a woman point him in the direction of other Step Mum threads and he’ll see they mostly go against the Step Mum!

YANBU.
There is no need for them to be in your room.
If that happened to me, I wouldn't even ask their dad to deal with it. They would be told by me and I would expect him to back me up. They are old enough to be expected to respect that it's your room, not theirs.
I don't understand the tip toeing some people do around step children. If you treat them with respect and are fair to them, then you can expect they do the same. They don't respect someone who allows them to do whatever they want.

Think I’ll start by showing him this thread then if that fails to make him understand I’ll go ahead and get a lock put on. My concern is that when I’m at work (sometimes 12 hour shifts) he won’t lock the door. It’s a tricky one.

I wouldn’t want anyone smelly on my bed. That includes my DH

Have you told your DH that the smell of someone else in your bed is a real passion-killer for you (it would be for me, so I assume it would be for others). If he thinks he won't get his "conjugal" he may be more inclined to keep the little buggers out.

I would get a lockable case for jewellery, make up etc., and maybe a throw to put on top of your duvet which you can take off when you go to bed. Not a perfect solution but it would help!

I don't understand the tip toeing some people do around step children. If you treat them with respect and are fair to them, then you can expect they do the same. They don't respect someone who allows them to do whatever they want

Agreed. Whenever my DP fails to deal with an issue with the DSC(they're great kids so very few incidents) I go right ahead and deal with the situation. DP doesn't seem to understand just how wet he's being, they actually come to me now if they need anything or want to check out something.

Tried house rules. DH is on board for a couple of days then doesn’t bother supporting me. I don’t go in their rooms without knocking and DD is not allowed in their rooms (too messy for a baby plus you can’t see the carpet / what you’re standing on).