Stepchildren in our bedroom?

[Autumnfairy82]

Married to DH who has two daughters from a previous relationship, aged 15 & 13.

We have since welcomed our own DD who is 1.
DSDs stay with us approx 3 nights a week.

We have had our problems over the years with his girls not accepting me and the issues that come with that nevertheless I have persevered and since my DD was born things have improved but we do still have problems sometimes.

When things get too much with their behaviour I retreat to our bedroom.
I have said to DH that I don’t want either of DSDs in our bedroom. That is our space.
Neither of them are little girls anymore, they don’t need to come into our room. Plus in more recent years items of my jewellery, make-up and the odd belonging here and there have gone missing from our bedroom never to be seen again (I suspect all items were taken back to their mother’s house).
DH refuses to believe that either of them could have stolen anything even though on one occasion we found an item of mine in older DSD’s bag as she was getting ready to go home. Upon asking her about it she threw a massive tantrum.

Since going back to work from maternity leave, I’ve come home to find them lying on my bed, or on other occasions they leave something belonging to them on my bed - a hat, hoodie, etc.
Also, we have a big issue with their hygiene, they do not like to shower and sometimes they stink. I don’t appreciate my duvet cover smelling of them. They have their own bedrooms and plenty of other places in the house to chill.
At other times upon going upstairs, one or both of them have run out of our bedroom into their own rooms and act all innocent when I ask them why they were in there (they usually do this when DH is at work).

I’ve asked DH to keep them out of there yet he thinks IABU.

I just feel like I need one place in the house I can escape to which is strictly mine and his, a private space, especially when it all gets too much and I need to take a breath.
This step-parenting is so hard at times. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? AIBU?

OK, I apologise for saying it sounds like you don't like them; I misinterpreted your words. I do still feel like just slapping a lock on your bedroom door is going to exacerbate whatever's going on and is almost certain lead to a deterioration in your relationship with them, especially if your DP isn't on board. And as they're his daughters they're not going anywhere, so I would avoid that if I could and instead echo twoundertwo's advice of acting like it doesn't bother you and seeing whether they lose interest.

Another vote for a lock. You can’t trust them to not go in there and you can’t trust your DH to respect your wishes either.

He’s not leaving you much choice!

Put a lock on door. Tell them it’s to keep other random Famiky/ friend children out if u must? As teenagers we had small cousins who used to trash our rooms so my parents put very high up locks on each bedroom door. Each set of cousins were told it was because of bad behaviour of others 🤣 resolved the issue without any of them being affronted that we thought they were the horrors!

I totally empathise with your situation. As for the PP who said "poor kids", oh fuck off!

I wish it was as easy as just telling them no, I have a similar power struggle and the kids always win with DP. It's so demoralising. I don't have any advice, only to wish you every bit of luck and to know there are others struggling the same battle xx

I have a lock on my bedroom door, it comes in handy. I sympathise with the no washing thing I have a 16 yr old who needs dragged to the bathroom regularly.

I'm puzzled to why they are doing this. There will be a reason, maybe they are trying to wind you up?

I wouldn't like it either.

maybe not lock but daft as this sounds a tinkle bell so you can hear door opening - for safeties sake we use to put hook lock outside of door at top to keep little ones out & let us have window open - lockout side door with key difficult

Another one here saying get a lock on the door.

I find it odd that they want to go in there. At that age the only reason I would go in my parents room would be to look in the mirror (only full length one in the house) or to take something from a cupboard (containing things I was allowed to use such as sewing equipment). I certainly would not go rooting through drawers or helping myself to things. (or if I occasionally did, I definitely knew it wasn't allowed!) I don't think there's anything wrong with people's own bedrooms being private.

YeTalkShiteHen - I agree with your post, you are untitled to set the rules in your own household. Just ask yourself if this is how it will be for your own DD, if it is then fair enough, just try not to treat them differently to a child of your own.

It makes me mad on MN when stepmothers are given no rights at all, not even to privacy.

OP, you have every right to say you don't want someone in your room, especially if that someone steals your things and makes your room smell.

It's a wonder they haven't lost friends if they smell badly - it's the one thing that will always get picked on at school.

I'd probably get a lock for my room in this situation - and I think your husband should support you in it, too.

That’s your space and they have absolutely no need or reason whatsoever to be in there. YANBU.

And yes to putting a lock on the door.

Thinking about it though you’d have to give a key to your husband and would he bother locking it if you’re not there?

Plant some traps - confetti bombs, loud noises that go off when they open certain drawers. Soon send them the message.

maybe not lock but daft as this sounds a tinkle bell so you can hear door opening

EFF THAT! Get a KLAXON!

Seriously though - I am very glad and relieved that they cherish their new sister. It could so easily have gone the other way.

Lock. Door siren. Motion camera. Doberman. Sorted.

Yanbu. Get a lock.

Thinking about it though you’d have to give a key to your husband

Nah - men get dressed on a morning and that's it. He can keep a hoodie and a pair of jogging bottoms in the hall cupboard and get changed in one of the girls' rooms if he insists on getting out of work clothes the minute he comes in.

Doberman

Put a lock on the door. Ignore your DH he has no idea.

You need to reclaim your space in the house. Your relationship might even improve with your DSDs if you stand up to them.

It does sound harsh to say that they stink, so it has probably got to the stage where barriers are drawn up between you. Although it’s very hopeful that they are good to your DD, all is not lost.

I sympathise with you having no private space OP but I find it totally bizarre how many people have banned their children from their rooms. My DD is only 5 so it isn't an issue yet but growing up I was in and out of my parent's bedroom, experimenting with perfumes and makeup and my sisters and I would get ready for a night out in my parents' room as the mirrors and lights were better. It was the same at friends' houses. I even remember one sleepover of our dance group before a big touring event when a girl's parents gave up their bedroom for the night to a whole team of 9-15 year olds.
Rather than locking it I would have a frank discussion with them about boundaries and agree with your DH what sanctions you will put in place if they break these rules. I would also oint out to them that the same rules will apply to your DC when they are older. It could be that they are doing this in order to feel closer to their father rather than to piss you off. It is his room too.

I would personally tell them both that your room is out of bounds from now on. Fuck DH.

I don't think it's unreasonable to keep them out of your room if they aren't respecting your possessions. And I disagree about 'ignoring' the stealing as was mentioned above. If they are taking your things, it needs to be dealt with and if your DH refuses to believe you or to speak to his DDs then you have a bigger problem than a 'stinky duvet'.

Put a lock on by all means, but don't expect your DH to tolerate not having a key. I wouldn't if my DH put a lock on our door, no matter what he said the reason was.

I'd suggest starting by putting a lock on your wardrobe or another space you can store your valuables in. And NOT giving DH a key to that. And by putting one of those stick on magnetic door chimes/alarms on the inside of the bedroom door. They're pretty cheap and make a either a loud screech or a quieter 'ding dong' when the door is opened. You can at least arm it when you are home so you'll know if they go in.

I really don't remember going into my parents bedroom very often although it wasn't 'forbidden territory'. The only thing of interest to me was mum's bottom drawer, in which she kept old dresses, jewelry, empty powder compacts, etc for me to play 'dress up'. I just got what I wanted and left though, I didn't 'hang around' in her room.