AIBU to cancel speeches from my wedding

[Reasonsnottobeanidiot]

Thanks all for help in advance, and sorry if this is long.

My dad is a nightmare. He is loudest and life of the party but toxic and always negative about me - e.g. tonight at dinner with my fiances parents "Oh NAME would never do that!" "I get so much stick off of NAME!" "NAME has career issues!" Etc, despite none of it being true. He did the same other times they've met and its embaressing when I've spent two years building relationships with his family.

He has anger issues which are the main memory of my childhood. His aggression/violance and the frustration he caused I am sure was a contributing factor to me suffering from really rough teen mental health issues, including a six month stint a mental hospital aged 13. Having gone through that and gone on to having an extremely successful academic and career life without much support means it's really difficult being spoken about like this, particularly when my fiances parents speak about him in such a positive light. It makes me feel like a ten year old who just wants their parents to be proud, and I feel anxious with everything that comes out of his mouth. He also makes lewd sex jokes including references to my fiances mum loving sex and talking about his band writing songs about "making a woman do it when she doesn't want to"?!?!?!.

Our weddings coming up and he keeps going on about his Father of the Bride speech - how funny it will be etc etc. I know it will ruin the day, but we had planned for my fiances father to speak too, plus my fiance and his best man. I hate taking these away from but I don't want to feel as shit as I do now as I no doubt will on my wedding day.

He isnt the type to listen to reason and will refuse to let my mum check his speech beforehand. I want to limit speeches to just my fiance saying a few words, and would really appreciate any advice on how to do this without causing any uproar? He is likely to take Mic and deliver a speech without being asked to anyway, so advice on how to drive the no speeches message home would be appreciated too...also any suggestions for how to talk to him about it and control it rather than just ban it - anyone who has any suggestions at all how to handle would be so appreciated!

P.S. my parents have given us cash towards it and so to him not making a speech will be an insult. I really wanted to elope because of my father, but my fiance wanted a wedding and we accepted help and agreed contracts, and now after tonight I am just dreading being humiliated and made to feel all these old emotions infront of so many friends...

Grammar apologies - to cancel speeches AT my wedding

Cancel his invitation.

Hmm, this is a tricky one.

On one hand, he sounds AWFUL and as it's your day, you surely have the say-so on how things run.

On the other hand, he has contributed financially towards the day (which complicates things realistically even if not in principle) and you say he would just grab the mic anyway. So short of not inviting him to a wedding he's helped to pay for, there is little you can do to stop him.

You have two options as I see it: either do a blanket ban of speeches (ie no one does a speech), or someone you think your dad would listen to intercedes on your behalf. You say he won't listen to your mum - why not? Where is her part in your family history? And what about your fiancé?

The other option is to return his contribution of course - can you afford to do that? That way he cannot claim to have a say in how you do things.

My dsis said no speeches at her wedding, my DM made one anyway. I let her make one and it focused heavily on her recent divorce, spoke a little about DH and ignored me totally. Most people who hadn't met her assumed that she was DH's mother and offered my sympathy on a couple of occassions. She made no contributions to fund the wedding. I have no ideas for controlling someone determined to talk. But you can choose to let it wash over you, focus on your new husband, drink your champagne, dream about your honeymoon and soon he will have stopped. Other guests will recognise him for what he is.

Have you actually told him what youve said here? I would get your whole family in a room, fiancée and his parents too, and embarrass him. Tell him what youve said here, that he’s a bully and that people will say he’s wrecked the day because he said nasty lewd things.

See what he says. Tell him your fiancés parents have to vet the speech. It’s their child’s wedding also and they don’t want their friends and family to think their son was marrying into an awful family.

If he reacts badly, ban him from speeches if not the wedding. If he agrees, well, see whether you believe him.

Thank you for your replies! At this point no we can't afford to return his financial contributions, and they are mixed with my own and I now love the wedding we are planning. He is generally okay and I so want us to get along and to move forward, but it's just big crowds- I don't know if it's anxiety or what but he just becomes vile.

My mum is wonderful but as she says a child of the 70's, she ignores it all and doesn't like stress. Before we went today I went to my parents house and he lost it at me for no reason (screaming and hitting himself) and she told him off and explained that I am a grown woman and he can't speak to me that way, and when I privately tried to speak to her about how bad his behaviour was acted like I was a trouble maker as she had "dealt with it".

It sounds insane but it's so normalised in my family that I am the bad guy for bringing it up, it's like we are stuck in the past. Every interaction where I try to confront things are about guilt, and I'm mid 20's so it's not like my parents are very old and set in their ways. I've even booked a big car so i can go with my sister too and not just my dad alone.

I would not have speeches. Your financee can give a brief thanks to everybody who helped.

Whilst it isn't a perfect solution, it is nuts to let him give a speech if it ruins your day.

If your father chooses to hold a resentment over this, that is his problem. Tell him early.

OP as I said my sister tried this, but without any microphones by DM just launched into a speech which started by saying she knew no speeches were allowed. People expect speeches at weddings so they just shut up and listened to her.

The only way you'll get away with it is if you have a tough as nails mc. Someone who can defuse a loudmouth idiot like your dad and keep the mic away/take it back off your dad. I'd also have some big blokes at the ready to encourage him outside for a breather if necessary.
He won't listen to you anyway, if you lay down this boundary be ready (firmly but kindly) to enforce it.

OK you've painted yourself into a corner here with the money and the big wedding. In future, don't accept help from him, it's a poisoned chalice.

Have you got a wedding DJ? Because a really professional one can be prepped beforehand and told to cut the mic or cut in music if it goes sideways. Wink from you = dad's cut off.

Personally I wouldn't have someone who makes rape jokes at my wedding. But I know how complicated family crap can be.

Have a fantastic day

OK you've painted yourself into a corner here with the money and the big wedding. In future, don't accept help from him, it's a poisoned chalice.

Have you got a wedding DJ? Because a really professional one can be prepped beforehand and told to cut the mic or cut in music if it goes sideways. Wink from you = dad's cut off.

Personally I wouldn't have someone who makes rape jokes at my wedding. But I know how complicated family crap can be.

Have a fantastic day

Would the venue have a facility to cut the mic if he started talking?

Maybe give him some other honoured job to do AWAY from where the microphone is and just quickly end speeches/turn up music if he starts towards the microphone...

Or totally steal his thunder. Give him the Mic for his speech and then interrupt 1min in to profusely thank him for his contribution, complete with big showy gift, then cut straight to toast/music/dancing and take the microphone far away!

Talk to the MoC, wedding planner, who ever is organising at the venue. Explain that it is only your husband that will be delivering a speech and that no matter what happens no one else is to have access to a microphone. You don’t need to explain exactly why, but they can then ensure that microphone is spirited away quickly. If they are a decent venue they may offer to ‘control’ this part of the proceedings by topping and tailing the Grooms speech. They announce that there will only be one speech, by the groom, Groom speaks, then (they need to know the Grooms last sentence) immediately take over the mic to propose a toast to you both and then go on to announce the cutting of the cake or whatever you have planned to follow the speech. You may then wish them to announce the end to the formalities of the day, at which point the microphone is locked away. You may also wish to recruit a small team of guests to help this along, e.g. they immediately start to move to where the cake is.....Wedding organisers are very used to dealing with this type of issue.
Your Dad may not be happy about this, but his reaction/decision to attend/withdrawal of funds is a separate issue.

The most important thing here is that you do all you can to organise things in advance to ensure you don’t have to put up with his nonsense on the day. I hope it goes well for you.

My advice would definitely speak to your venue about this issue . They are used to dealing with loads of family issues and tensions and can use timings of the meal etc as the reason on the day.

If the worst happens on the day and the speech does go ahead for whatever reason . it doesn't reflect on you, most guests attending a wedding will be very sympathetic to the situation you face here and will be focused on making sure you have a wonderful day .

Will you have a band or DJ there? i would have a word with them to get there assistance in keeping the miceophone away from him or gwtting everyine onto the dance floor if it looks like he's about to jump up.

Does your husband need to make a speech.? One of the best weddings I ever went to had no speeches at all. Someone from the venue announced that there would be no speeches and went straight to the toast.

Since he is contributing, and to ban him from speeches would be seen as a snub, I think the only path forward is to have no speeches whatsoever. Maybe don't even have a mic so there isn't one for him to take.

You can thank everyone individually, rather than in a speech. Traditionally this is done by writing thank you letters after the wedding to guests.

You could decide on no speeches but instead at each table setting for every guest print out the speeches - ie what your dh and his dad (and yours if you want ) yourself and your MOH would like to express - there are lots of ways you could do this - separate paragraphs from each of you individually or a note from your and your dh alone to the guests of the day - or a note composed by you both together.
These 'notes' for want of a better word - could basically be the speeches, or what would be said in a speech, so guests on the day will see and read your thoughts / expressions.
You can tell your dad then that you have decided to buck tradition, or that time wise one the day the running order will not allow for speeches, or that you don't like speeches at weddings or just you have decided to do this new tradition ..on the day your dh can make a short speech explaining that there s no speeches but all you wanted to say is contained in the souvenir at each place for the guests to read.
You could present this ina nice scroll tied with ribbon alongside the favours even.

Give your dad the choice to contribute his speech / note / well wishes / thanks to the guests/ anecdotes of your childhood in written form as part of this, you get to edit and approve it prior to printing, and tell him on the day there s monactual speeches bar your fiancé thanking the guests.
Then on the day/ let your dh do his bit, guide the guests to read the scrolls if they like, and ensure that once your dh is finished someone whips the mic away and toasts quickly

Does your fiancé understand the degree to which you're dreading this? You'll need him to completely have your back on the day over this and help nip things in the bud and ensure his family also clearly knows the score on no speeches, if that's what you go with.

Tbh, you could always just leave the room if it all goes tits up and you don't like what your father is saying.

Also, please know that anything negative he does say will reflect badly on him.

Is there any chance he might surprise you, do you think? I say this because although my Dad is very dear to me and so nothing like yours, he does have a reputation for mickey-taking and rarely being sincere. At my wedding, he took the moment to kindly thank my DM (very acrimonious divorce) for raising me. We were all stunned.