AIBU to cancel speeches from my wedding

[Reasonsnottobeanidiot]

Thanks all for help in advance, and sorry if this is long.

My dad is a nightmare. He is loudest and life of the party but toxic and always negative about me - e.g. tonight at dinner with my fiances parents "Oh NAME would never do that!" "I get so much stick off of NAME!" "NAME has career issues!" Etc, despite none of it being true. He did the same other times they've met and its embaressing when I've spent two years building relationships with his family.

He has anger issues which are the main memory of my childhood. His aggression/violance and the frustration he caused I am sure was a contributing factor to me suffering from really rough teen mental health issues, including a six month stint a mental hospital aged 13. Having gone through that and gone on to having an extremely successful academic and career life without much support means it's really difficult being spoken about like this, particularly when my fiances parents speak about him in such a positive light. It makes me feel like a ten year old who just wants their parents to be proud, and I feel anxious with everything that comes out of his mouth. He also makes lewd sex jokes including references to my fiances mum loving sex and talking about his band writing songs about "making a woman do it when she doesn't want to"?!?!?!.

Our weddings coming up and he keeps going on about his Father of the Bride speech - how funny it will be etc etc. I know it will ruin the day, but we had planned for my fiances father to speak too, plus my fiance and his best man. I hate taking these away from but I don't want to feel as shit as I do now as I no doubt will on my wedding day.

He isnt the type to listen to reason and will refuse to let my mum check his speech beforehand. I want to limit speeches to just my fiance saying a few words, and would really appreciate any advice on how to do this without causing any uproar? He is likely to take Mic and deliver a speech without being asked to anyway, so advice on how to drive the no speeches message home would be appreciated too...also any suggestions for how to talk to him about it and control it rather than just ban it - anyone who has any suggestions at all how to handle would be so appreciated!

P.S. my parents have given us cash towards it and so to him not making a speech will be an insult. I really wanted to elope because of my father, but my fiance wanted a wedding and we accepted help and agreed contracts, and now after tonight I am just dreading being humiliated and made to feel all these old emotions infront of so many friends...

It's going to happen whatever you say, whatever subterfuge you use to try and stop it. Unless your dad is physically not in the room, he'll give a speech and any attempt to prevent it will cause no end of drama. Just suck it up, if it's awful it reflects on him.

Could you go ahead with all the speeches but give your Dad an ultimatum beforehand (which applies to life in general, not just your big day)... along the lines of if you don't stop belittling me, I will walk out on you. Specific but without entering into a debate. You'll have to stand by your choice though, even if it means dramatically walking out on him on your wedding day. Maybe the thought of that embarrassment will be enough to change his ways? I did something similar (though on a smaller scale) when I was in my early 20s and instantly he realised I was not a toy but an adult and he had to respect me if he wanted my company. He might deliver a lovely speech?... and yes, having the venue prep'd in case it goes south...

Could you tell him to write out his speech and say you want to read it in advance? Go 'bridezilla' about it and say if you can't proof read then he can't do it

Could you do something like a video in advance rather than a live speech? That way it can be vetted. If you end up with speeches do them ASAP before he drinks too much.

Cancel speeches and make sure there is no mic near him!

I don't know whether you're able for this but to me the reasonable thing would be to allow the groom & family say their pieces but not your father. (Assuming you are certain he will behave badly and it sounds as if you are.) Myself, I'd have those discreet burly groomsmen/buddies keeping an eye on him and wouldn't let him know until the reception itself. Your husband's family shouldn't be punished for your father's behaviour; having his script approved wouldn't guarantee it would be followed; unless they're having a boring time of it your guests won't bother to read written speeches. Your father might never forgive you but whyever would you want that sort of person in your life anyway?

You & groom will be the hosts of a celebration, so think of your guests as well. Not only will you be miserable if he's true to form, you'll be putting the guests in a horribly awkward position: A few of them might be entertained but most will be cringing and very very uncomfortable and probably all will be leaving the venue talking not about the lovely wedding or the brilliant time they had but saying 'Why on earth did they allow that man to give a speech?' For them as well as you the memory will always be tainted.

If the money was a gift, their giving it to you is irrelevant. If it was conditional upon your agreeing to let your father have his way it wasn't a gift and indeed you might feel obliged to honour the implicit contract.

Maybe eloping or a registry wedding with drinks at a pub/no reception after might be better? Yeah, it's not a dream wedding, but that is the only way I can think of that you can avoid that situation. Because if you have a traditional wedding reception, he will demand his speech.

Don’t have speeches full stop. No one really likes them anyway. You and DH stand up - say - “we aren’t having soeaches but we just wanted to thank everyone for coming, the beautiful bridesmaids and our marvellous groomsmen. Let’s hsve a toast to happiness - HAPPINESS” and sit back down.

Whoever pays for the celebration is the host. Just saying.

A friend of mine has a father like yours and because he had made a financial contribution, he insisted on making a speech. She persuaded him to show her the speech beforehand and it was ok. On the day he delivered s totally different , truly awful speech leaving my friend in tears . Good luck.

Maybe have a public service announcement before hand - we apologise in advance for the poor humour and inappropriate remarks... might take the wind out of his sails. Or have cards saying “so sorry for this” that you hold up whenever he makes an appropriate remark.
Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you or a family member had a proper talk with him about it?

I would do what Annandale suggests. I would brief as many kind people as you feel comfortable telling so you have a crowd on your side. The minute it gets offensive - leave for the bar / ladies loo. You don't have to sit there feeling embarrassed (my father is lovely but was a senior teacher I always bunked off his whole school assemblies despite being an utter swot as sitting there cringing is hideous).The briefed group would likely follow you. Do speeches after the meal him last and after you have walked out get the dj to crank up the music loud.

OP don't panic it will be ok. My dh worked as a DJ for a few years and he assured me this is very common. One option is to allow all speeches, have your dad go last. As soon as it becomes inappropriate the DJ will turn the mic off, and move on to the next part. Another option is to just have your fiance give a speech and the DJ will immediately take over. It might be best to have dancing after the speech, so there will be loud music to drown him out. It happens a lot with people who have had a few too many before the speeches.

He’ll talk wherever you are at whatever type of venue - he wants to make everything about him.

I had speeches before dinner and it really kept the time down - me, groom, then best man all done in less than 7 minutes.

If you do that you could try saying you all have to be brief or the food will get delayed.

Give him 2 mins and then cut him off - get him to go first so his is a distant memory after the rest.

I went to a wedding about 12 years ago where the father of the bride clearly didn’t approve of the groom and made it very clear in his speech - we all felt sorry for the bride and thought her father was a complete dick - it’s him they’ll think badly of.

After the wedding you need to deal with him properly. I would start leaving every time he behaved like a twat.

To be honest I’d not see him but it’s easy to say that and as I have no father (and never have) I find the dynamic a bit tricky to completely understand.

I hate speeches anyway, particularly when it's just a bunch of blokes showing off.

God he sounds disgusting! Makes 'jokes' about your DPs mother liking sex, and writes 'songs' about Rape?

Do you really think your ILs think he's funny?

Have you ever visited the Stately Homes threads, OP?

Depending on how much he has contributed financially to the wedding, I'd consider getting a loan out from the bank, pay him back and tell him that he is not to make a speech at your wedding as it is no longer paid for by him so he has no say in how the day goes at all.

You do realise this is not a 'child of the 70s thing' (I am one). It is he is a wanker thing.

I suspect when it comes to it he will be giving it the big I am on the day, claiming he paid dor the wedding etc but I think the only person it would reflect badly on would be him were he to badmouth you.

" I now love the wedding we are planning."

Really?

With this cloud hanging over it?

OP - I can't believe some of the responses you've received here! Both of your parents have contributed to their daughter's wedding - that doesn't give the abusive father the right to be an utter arsehole.

"Could you have any bridesmaids, dear friends etc just come and surround you during the speeches? A very visual statement that what he says has no effect on your life and really nothing to do with you'

Really?! This is a woman getting married in 21st century Britain and you think she should have a protective shield around her whilst a man humiliates her?

OP - I suggest you and your fiancé speak to your dad and tell him that because of his past behaviour he mustn't give a speech and if he can't promise to do that then he mustn't attend the wedding.

You could have a member of the wedding party make a toast to the bride and groom before the meal begins, then relax and enjoy your celebration.

I had no top table and no speeches, my dad passed away 4 years ago and I knew I’d be honking of it enough without hilighting that he was missing.

Do it! People said it was ace haha! X

he lost it at me for no reason (screaming and hitting himself) and she told him off and explained that I am a grown woman and he can't speak to me that way, and when I privately tried to speak to her about how bad his behaviour was acted like I was a trouble maker as she had "dealt with it".

Blimey OP - you've got it in spades - a narcissist DF and an enabling DM. I feel for you - I really do.

As for the speech - no YANBU to want to knock the idea of him speaking at your wedding on the head right now. Tell him there will be no speeches, that your OH will thank everyone for coming and that will be that. Tell him that YOU HAVE BOTH CHOSEN NOT TO HAVE SPEECHES. Don't get drawn in any more than that. If he says 'At every wedding I've ever been to the father of the bride has given a speech', or 'But I've already written it', say 'I know, but its our day and that's what we want'. Given his behaviour you definitely don't want to make your comments a personal attack, just keep it bland and keep repeating the same thing. Tell your DM too that that's what you want and don't let either of them bully you, as that seems to be their default settings. Enjoy your wedding

I think the video someone suggested is genius! You could edit out the bad bits...
eg "Xx always had lots of friends at school until they realised she was a complete bitch "

I don't think you can cut the speeches entirely if he's paid for it! Is there really no way you could return the money?
My sympathies btw, he sounds a lot like my uncle, who is also a foul mouthed lout.

Honestly I think this needs to be addressed before the wedding. If he writes a speech and then turns up expecting to give it and is then refused in some way or other, he sounds like the kind of person who will kick off about it and ruin your day anyway.

If you got the wedding party together for dinner and stated that you’ve decided there’ll be no speeches at your wedding, what do you think he would say? If you can Prime the others in advance to agree that sounds like a good idea, no need for speeches, they’re boring etc etc it might make it go over a bit easier.

I don't think you can cut the speeches entirely if he's paid for it!

I don’t see how this is relevant. He hasn’t paid money to give a speech, he’s contributed to his child’s wedding day.