AIBU to cancel speeches from my wedding

[Reasonsnottobeanidiot]

Thanks all for help in advance, and sorry if this is long.

My dad is a nightmare. He is loudest and life of the party but toxic and always negative about me - e.g. tonight at dinner with my fiances parents "Oh NAME would never do that!" "I get so much stick off of NAME!" "NAME has career issues!" Etc, despite none of it being true. He did the same other times they've met and its embaressing when I've spent two years building relationships with his family.

He has anger issues which are the main memory of my childhood. His aggression/violance and the frustration he caused I am sure was a contributing factor to me suffering from really rough teen mental health issues, including a six month stint a mental hospital aged 13. Having gone through that and gone on to having an extremely successful academic and career life without much support means it's really difficult being spoken about like this, particularly when my fiances parents speak about him in such a positive light. It makes me feel like a ten year old who just wants their parents to be proud, and I feel anxious with everything that comes out of his mouth. He also makes lewd sex jokes including references to my fiances mum loving sex and talking about his band writing songs about "making a woman do it when she doesn't want to"?!?!?!.

Our weddings coming up and he keeps going on about his Father of the Bride speech - how funny it will be etc etc. I know it will ruin the day, but we had planned for my fiances father to speak too, plus my fiance and his best man. I hate taking these away from but I don't want to feel as shit as I do now as I no doubt will on my wedding day.

He isnt the type to listen to reason and will refuse to let my mum check his speech beforehand. I want to limit speeches to just my fiance saying a few words, and would really appreciate any advice on how to do this without causing any uproar? He is likely to take Mic and deliver a speech without being asked to anyway, so advice on how to drive the no speeches message home would be appreciated too...also any suggestions for how to talk to him about it and control it rather than just ban it - anyone who has any suggestions at all how to handle would be so appreciated!

P.S. my parents have given us cash towards it and so to him not making a speech will be an insult. I really wanted to elope because of my father, but my fiance wanted a wedding and we accepted help and agreed contracts, and now after tonight I am just dreading being humiliated and made to feel all these old emotions infront of so many friends...

I get it, this dynamic is all you’ve known but you’re not a kid anymore and you do have a voice. Don’t cower in the corner when he’s being a knob, call him out on it and in front of people. Let them see that him being a knob is not your shame, whilst also deflecting the shame where it belongs.

This is your wedding and their behaviour (yes I’m including your mother in this because she also has a opportunity to stand up for you) dictate your choices.

I'd grab the bull by the horns today.

Call him or visit him and tell him how humiliated you felt last night, tell him you're terrified that he'll do similar at your wedding. Tell him you want to ban speeches as a result, but are aware that he'll enjoy the game of trying to get hold of a mike at some point over the Day and as a result you're dreading the wedding day.

You know that everyone will think he's a dick and feel sorry for you, but you don't want your wedding to be remembered as 'the one we're the dad enjoyed bringing his daughter to tears'.

Tell him all of this.

Then tell him that you are going to do your very best to pay him back their gift, in the hope that he will feel it not his place to make a speech.

Tell him you love him, but he has humiliated you all your life and you now need him to respect you as an adult and stop trying to make you feel so small and inadequate.

My dad is the loud jokey type but he's really nice and would never talk badly of me I was really worried about my dad's speech that it was going to embarrass me but instead my dad got really nervous and choked up and he said lots of really lovely things instead. I think he had a jokey one in mind but after the whole ceremony and him seeing my own nerves and the fact I was missing my late mother terribly that day i just don't think he could go through with it. He really shocked everyone because he had been banging on about his father of the bride speech for a long time.

Ah OP how awful. My dad isn’t going to do a speech so I haven’t had this sort of situation to deal with.

If I were you I think I’d very assertively tell him that if he uses the speech as an opportunity to stand there and humiliate you in front of all your guests then he will be immediately asked to leave and doing so will be completely unforgivable.

He sounds like the type of arsehole that accuses people of not being able to take a joke when they call him out on his behaviour. My mum is similar- she will make a nasty dig and when called out will say ‘god get a sense of humour’

So my husband is from a culture where parents complimenting their children to their faces isn't done, let alone in public. No speeches at weddings and the entire wedding lasts about 2 hours tops - mainly invitees rock up, drop off some money and maybe grab some fried chicken frim the buffet. Often this happens when the couple are exchanging vows in a room next door.

We got married in his country. My mum and stepdad came, I informed them it would be like this and we'd have a celebration at home. My stepdad is a controlling headcase so he decided fuck it, he'd do a speech anyway. He started it 3 times. THREE TIMES. On the third attempt noone could intercept him and I swear to god it was one of the cringiest events of my entire life. There was dead silence afterwards, before my mother in law piped up 'my son has many faults...' amd everyone drifted back to the buffet. Honestly, as others have said it only reflected badly on him which was some comfort. However, as others have also said I wish I'd have had the foresight to prep the MC and just run such a tight ship that he wouldn't have had the chance. Go that route along with scrapping the speeches I reckon - I was happy to bin that patriarchal blah anyway tbh!

Yanbu but it’s sounds a tricky nightmare! My only advice would be do speeches quick and early, and get venue to remove/ hide all microphones immediately after. Tell dad his slot is exactly 2 mins (or whatever) as tight on time for food etc.
A short speech (hopefully full of nerves) prior to the taking of alcohol and food will be far better than a late one when he’s inebriated!
Good luck!

I’ve been to a wedding where the father made the bride cry. He basically slagged her off in his speech. The mother spent the rest of the reception embarrassingly going round the guests telling them it was a joke and the groom had an argument with his college friends as they thought he should stuck up for his wife.

If you’re not 100% confident he won’t mess up your day, don’t have speeches. Nobody will remember no speeches, everyone remembers a wedding where the father of the bride hates his daughter.

Whyyounoeatmypie I think I know where your h is from, that would have been excruciating. I’m so sorry.

I think you could maybe stage something like an emergency phone call during the speeches - have someone from the venue come to tell him that there's an issue he needs to help fix, they don't want to bother bride or groom, only he can help etc. Maybe some minor point over DJ or meals. This will bolster his ego. Get your MUM to say a few words in his place as he's been 'called away', then move swiftly on to the next bit.

Prewarn everyone close to you (except him) that you are going to do this. With any luck he'll be so full of how he saved the day that he won't care as much about the speech....

Should have said - it needs for him to be called out of the room altogether or won't work. Car issue maybe?

@Reasonsnottobeanidiot

If you can't stop the speech and you know it will be embarrassing and horrible then when he starts you and your then husband should just walk out of the room. Or wait until the first awful thing he says then walk out until he's finished. Walking out, much like his speech, will reflect poorly on him, not you and once he gets going I'm sure everyone will see why you left temporarily.

He sounds awful, I think you'd be better off without him there.

Whether he gave the money with the intention of having some control or not I think it's a red herring, because it sounds like he will make a speech regardless of mic/no mic, money or no money, speeches planned or not.

A comment you made earlier on struck me - you said but it's just big crowds- I don't know if it's anxiety or what but he just becomes vile. Yet last night's gathering was just your family and your fiance's, ie not a big crowd.

Personally I like the idea that you all get up and go out when he starts, leaving him speechifying to just your mother. I think the power you would feel would be exhilarating.

Actually I wish I was coming to your wedding. I've MCd a lot of different types of events, and I promise you he'd have no chance on my watch .

@allright ah thanks - honestly I do find it funny now (although that could be a defense mechanism!)