AIBU to cancel speeches from my wedding

[Reasonsnottobeanidiot]

Thanks all for help in advance, and sorry if this is long.

My dad is a nightmare. He is loudest and life of the party but toxic and always negative about me - e.g. tonight at dinner with my fiances parents "Oh NAME would never do that!" "I get so much stick off of NAME!" "NAME has career issues!" Etc, despite none of it being true. He did the same other times they've met and its embaressing when I've spent two years building relationships with his family.

He has anger issues which are the main memory of my childhood. His aggression/violance and the frustration he caused I am sure was a contributing factor to me suffering from really rough teen mental health issues, including a six month stint a mental hospital aged 13. Having gone through that and gone on to having an extremely successful academic and career life without much support means it's really difficult being spoken about like this, particularly when my fiances parents speak about him in such a positive light. It makes me feel like a ten year old who just wants their parents to be proud, and I feel anxious with everything that comes out of his mouth. He also makes lewd sex jokes including references to my fiances mum loving sex and talking about his band writing songs about "making a woman do it when she doesn't want to"?!?!?!.

Our weddings coming up and he keeps going on about his Father of the Bride speech - how funny it will be etc etc. I know it will ruin the day, but we had planned for my fiances father to speak too, plus my fiance and his best man. I hate taking these away from but I don't want to feel as shit as I do now as I no doubt will on my wedding day.

He isnt the type to listen to reason and will refuse to let my mum check his speech beforehand. I want to limit speeches to just my fiance saying a few words, and would really appreciate any advice on how to do this without causing any uproar? He is likely to take Mic and deliver a speech without being asked to anyway, so advice on how to drive the no speeches message home would be appreciated too...also any suggestions for how to talk to him about it and control it rather than just ban it - anyone who has any suggestions at all how to handle would be so appreciated!

P.S. my parents have given us cash towards it and so to him not making a speech will be an insult. I really wanted to elope because of my father, but my fiance wanted a wedding and we accepted help and agreed contracts, and now after tonight I am just dreading being humiliated and made to feel all these old emotions infront of so many friends...

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't sound like a loving father at all. I agree with others that he will likely start shooting his mouth off anyway. Clearly there's no point in trying to reason with him. He likely sees it as his big day to be the centre of attention and "tell it like it is".

I agree that a very good Master of Ceremonies might be able to reign him in somewhat. Do your friends know what he is like? Anything he says will only reflect on him and not you.

If you were my friend with a dad like that I would be horrified, but I would try to reassure you to your face that everyone will forget about it. I hope you have the day you want

I could be wrong but I suspect the issue is that he will find a way to make a speech whatever they say Donita planning for it and minimising the discomfort which they need to focus on.

Give him his money back, have a small wedding on your terms.

Op you know him, is he likely to stand up during dinner and make a speech if he is told there will be no speeches? I assume it's a traditional wedding, can you have dinner then, then cake, have speeches just before the first dance. The DJ will be able to turn your dad's Mike off once it's gets in appropriate. The DJ will announce its the first dance and there will be loud music on for the rest of the night and hopefully no opportunity to be rude. As someone else suggested have someone on standby that can diffuse the situation if he gets upset.
If you decide no speeches go from your fiance thanking everyone to the first dance. There will be loud music playing so it will be difficult to make a speech. I have to wonder if he thinks he won't get an opportunity to speak he will probably just stand up and start talking. You may be in trouble the next day, but that doesn't matter.

Or just have the big bust up with him- with your fiance there- knowing it probably means he won't come to the wedding. Tell him bluntly how he behaves is appalling, you don't want him to make a speech because you can't trust him. He will then explode, shout, say hirrible things, hit himself etc. Your fiance will understand why you wanted to elope. Either your dad will demand his money back ad refuse to attend - you can live with that- or he just might listen to you for once.
You'll need to be tough if you go down this route.

Or turn it into a drinking game. 'I'm amazed x has taken her on, she's always been hard work.' Or 'watch yourself, x wants to cause you trouble.' 'We we're hoping for a son.' 'I'm amazed so many people are here today. X has always had problems keeping friends.'
Or another version of bullshit bingo.

I had the wedding that our abusive parents ruined with their behaviour. Give him the money back and move the wedding date and only invite people you can trust. Every time you look at your wedding photos you will remember all the nasty things that were done.

He will make a speech anyway, so banning all speeches will prevent OP from having a nice, happy speech.

I think this is where the Best Man has to step in and take the mic off the Dad when it gets a bit too much.

Could you say you want your mum to do a speech instead of him?

All speeches to be made by the women, including you.

We cancelled speeches. Similar reasons on my side... but also DHs family are VERY dramatic and childishly competitive and if one made any sort of speech or Toast they'd all be up.

Myself and DH got up together to thank everyone. However, the entire evening doo was peppered with people asking my father why he wasn't making a speech, he must make a speech etc. Then one of DHs family got really drunk and kept saying he needed to say something, then the others go iffy and decided is so-and-so was going too, well they needed to say something too...

Pissed me off massively that I spent a large portion of the day trying to stop a speech-apocalypse happening and having our families embarrass us.

In hindsight, I'd of got up at the beginning and made light of the 'no speech' situation to make sure it was known it was NOT happening, thank everyone and enjoyed my day!

I think bingo is an excellent idea - discreet cards issued to guests with "inappropriate joke", "insult" etc written on it. Might reclaim the power back OP.

How far off is the wedding?
Im wondering if you could consider doing what my American friends have done and have a rehearsal a day or so before, where everyone gives speeches.
On the actual wedding day, it's just the wedding & you get to chat with guests.

Don't have a traditional top table. One didn't work for our families anyway due to deceased key members of family and family conflicts rather than for reasons of speech making. We sat in a corner facing the room with close friends that had supported some part of the wedding. Best man was sat nearby with his young family and other key relatives arranged on other nearby tables. If there is a no speaches policy, he can be arranged into a position that does not facilitate spontaneous speech making from a prominent position. (Maybe fairly close on a neighbouring table, but back to the majority of the room)

Place yourselves so that you and the groom can walk quietly out if he does get totally out of line. Quietly starving obnoxious attention seekers of their audience can be very effective. I don't know how far ahead the wedding is, but is there time to "train" him that you won't accept this behaviour by consistently walking out/ putting the phone down every time he gets obnoxious?

Having someone primed with a few words to smooth over after any interruptions/ speeches would help to return to the proper business of celebrating your marriage.

Just tell him straight that he is not going to embarrass you on your wedding day, and if he makes you cry you will not speak to him again. Have someone on standby to hustle him off the premises. Speak to your mum and ask her if she is happy for this idiot to ruin your day, she should be on your team. Why can't your fiancé and his family see what a fool he is if they know him? Just don't invite him if he can't behave. Meghan markle did alright without hers

Your dad sounds insecure and immature, overcompensating by trying to be one of the lads in the loudest voice possible.

I’m just wondering if there is a safer way to allow him to show off in public without him saying anything that’ll embarrass you. You mentioned that he was (is?) in a band. Could you get him – maybe plus band – to perform a song, one that you both like? I suppose there’s a tiny outside chance he could change the lyrics in a jokey way, but even if that were to happen, people don’t listen so much to the words in songs as they do to the words in a speech.

He just sounds like the sort of man who would be happy to be given a screechy guitar riff to play in front of an audience – and if he could concentrate on impressing people with that, he might be less inclined to open his gob and say something ‘entertaining’.

Ignore those that say he has paid for his right to a speech, that’s ridiculous and he hasn’t. It’s your parent’s contribution to your wedding and he hasn’t paid for his right to abuse you.

Alternatives to speeches are printed ones on the tables ( a beautiful idea and simple to do, they would look lovely on parchment type paper (google parchment printer paper) or videoed beforehand (I’ve seen this at an event where all parties could not attend as they lived overseas. It was a professionally edited short film really, with photos and music and people saying their sentiments.)

If you/fiancé do want to say something, is it possible to take your father from the room so he cannot interrupt? Have someone occupy him during the dancing or whatever so you can speak to guests before they go home.

I’m sorry this is happening. We eloped for a similar reason (FIL is a twat) I couldn’t have coped with the stress of wondering what he would do. You are braver than me!

Tell him speeches are going to be kept very short and traditional for the sake of Granny Y or Auntie X who is hard of hearing or some other excuse. Then line him up for the first speech and grin and bear it.

After that you can enjoy the speeches made by the other wedding party members who can speak for as long as they wish. I totally agree that only one person will look bad if he misbehaves and that’s him.

If it’s any consolation my dear father sang a song about a naughty vicar as the main part of his speech at my wedding. I was mortified but everyone else loved it. I’m not sure I was mentioned at all.

Does your fiance 'get it' yet? Does he now understand why you wanted to elope? Is he sorry for pushing you into the big wedding? Are you for capitulating and taking your parents' money?

I hope so and that he's really ready to work with you, as a team, to deal with this situation you've both got yourselves into - him by not listening to or believing you, or perhaps just not being all that interested in who you really are and your life experience. You by being a passive people pleaser who needs to learn to take herself seriously and assert herself.

That may sound harsh but frankly it doesn't bode well for a successful marriage. However, facing the problem head on and dealing with it, together, could be the making of you as a married couple.

You've taken the money, thus placing your parents into the host or part-host role (did they pay half? more than anyone else?). How did you phrase it on the invitations - did you or parents 'invite' people? Obviously your Dad will expect to make a speech.

So, either no speeches, or really good MCing. Since he'll shout up anyway - and whatever he does will sit (and be forgotten) within the context of the other speeches - I think it has to be the latter.

Good luck.

I wouldn’t cancel speeches for your H to be’s family, that isn’t fair on them. It’s not their fault that your Dad is a knob and it could backfire if he insisted on speaking and your H to be’s family missed out. I think it’s time you stood up to both your parents. Tell him that he will not be giving a speech and if he can’t accept that then he is free not to attend.

At some point (and your wedding is as good a time as any), you are going to have to stand up to your parents. They marred your childhood, don’t let them continue that behaviour into your adulthood.

Thanks so much for all of your responces, this has given me so much to think about and so many strategies to consider!

My parents are not paying for the whole wedding, we are paying for the majority but still can't afford to pay back the difference right now. There is a lot of pressure to act like everyone is a big loving family, and its only when moments happen like last night that I realise how bad the situation really is. We had originally planned to pay for it all alone, and I should have stuck to my guns about it but when everyone was celebrating the engagement it felt like a kind gift to enhance the day rather than added stress.

It's not a big traditional wedding at all so the non traditional ideas e.g. scrolls on tables would be brilliant. My dad has a tendency to think it's great and funny to do the opposite of what people say and then publically announce that he's doing what you've asked him not to do (And make you look like you are boring and controlling in the process) so speech getting probably won't help, but the pre written idea sounds like it could be great!

*speech vetting

Someone needs to have a word with him. Someone who he respects or is scared of? Is there a family member he would listen to? The grooms family? If they said that if he says rude or nasty things on his daughters wedding day, he will be thought of as the biggest prize prat in the family, would he care? Would he care that he would be videoed and put on the internet for the world to laugh at? Because that’s what happens these days, you can’t ban phones from the wedding.

Let him.

Sandwich his crap horrible speech between two that are funny and wonderful ( even if it's a MC that has to say a few words to set the tone).
He'll look like a dick.

If your fiancés parents think so much of him, they are either of similar personality and overawed by his abuse, of theyvare brkng polite. I would be honest with them and say you are worried. They may have the same concerns. Remember their family will be sat there listening to what is said and they will have to put up with everyone asking them what sort of family their son has married into if your father makes rape jokes etc.

Well, given his lairy contrarianism, how about calling his bluff by telling him he's free to say whatever he like, really, anything he thinks suitable.

That might take the wind out of his sails. Then just sit back, let his speech wash over you and don't make any sort of event out of it.

He sounds like a massive attention-seeker who enjoys winding people up. Not achieving that effect, or feeling that he's going to, might calm him down.

Kill the problem with kindness and sincerity (and brief the MC and everyone you can to look placid, applaud gently and move swiftly on).