AIBU to cancel speeches from my wedding

[Reasonsnottobeanidiot]

Thanks all for help in advance, and sorry if this is long.

My dad is a nightmare. He is loudest and life of the party but toxic and always negative about me - e.g. tonight at dinner with my fiances parents "Oh NAME would never do that!" "I get so much stick off of NAME!" "NAME has career issues!" Etc, despite none of it being true. He did the same other times they've met and its embaressing when I've spent two years building relationships with his family.

He has anger issues which are the main memory of my childhood. His aggression/violance and the frustration he caused I am sure was a contributing factor to me suffering from really rough teen mental health issues, including a six month stint a mental hospital aged 13. Having gone through that and gone on to having an extremely successful academic and career life without much support means it's really difficult being spoken about like this, particularly when my fiances parents speak about him in such a positive light. It makes me feel like a ten year old who just wants their parents to be proud, and I feel anxious with everything that comes out of his mouth. He also makes lewd sex jokes including references to my fiances mum loving sex and talking about his band writing songs about "making a woman do it when she doesn't want to"?!?!?!.

Our weddings coming up and he keeps going on about his Father of the Bride speech - how funny it will be etc etc. I know it will ruin the day, but we had planned for my fiances father to speak too, plus my fiance and his best man. I hate taking these away from but I don't want to feel as shit as I do now as I no doubt will on my wedding day.

He isnt the type to listen to reason and will refuse to let my mum check his speech beforehand. I want to limit speeches to just my fiance saying a few words, and would really appreciate any advice on how to do this without causing any uproar? He is likely to take Mic and deliver a speech without being asked to anyway, so advice on how to drive the no speeches message home would be appreciated too...also any suggestions for how to talk to him about it and control it rather than just ban it - anyone who has any suggestions at all how to handle would be so appreciated!

P.S. my parents have given us cash towards it and so to him not making a speech will be an insult. I really wanted to elope because of my father, but my fiance wanted a wedding and we accepted help and agreed contracts, and now after tonight I am just dreading being humiliated and made to feel all these old emotions infront of so many friends...

OP I used to work at weddings and heard a great many speeches. I absolutely guarantee that however your father behaves will reflect on him alone. People are there for you and your husband. Humiliating the bride is absolutely the worst thing you can do at a wedding - nobody will think badly of you.

I'd speak to your mum and tell her you don't want him humiliating you in front of your new family.

And I'd agree with all the other suggestions above, but combine them. Notes on tables, tell the venue/band/DJ/big lads etc. If he stands up and speaks without a mic have someone with a mic to interrupt. And maybe give the gift but really I would find it hard to give him a gift without choking.

And never accept money in future. It's not helpful, it takes control away from you..which is something he doesn't want anybody else to have. Actually having control is priceless.

Tbh I don't think speeches should be a part of any wedding. I can't get my head around why you guys do them in the UK. So boring and exclude women. Extremely patriarchal and very naff. Be a revolutionary and cut them all off.

I like the idea of printed "speeches" on the tables - it helps those who are hard of hearing, or who are looking after young children and trying to keep them quiet while the speeches are on, or those who are sitting at the table where the young children are chattering away regardless of their parents' attempts to shush them ... I started the thread thinking, not really good to cut wedding speeches, but rapidly turned into, I can see why you have to do something.

Hope you find a plan that you and your fiance can be comfortable with. Have a great day.

Sorry your father is like that (and that your mother enables it).

4 speeches all from men would be too many anyway.

Agree that he should definitely not speak, because he doesn’t deserve to and it’ll upset you before and on an important day.

I’ve seen a few unkind wedding speeches from fathers, and although I agree with others that they reflect badly only on the speaker, it was upsetting for the brides.

Agree with the PP who said it was a mistake to accept the money for the wedding.

Options other than no speeches could be your new H and you briefly thanking everyone etc, or the best man only and asking him to cover certain things, and not just focus on your H in his speech (far too many best men go down the bromance route IMO!)

Or someone from the venue announcing no speeches and leading or asking best man to lead a toast.

You were happy enough to spend his money to have your "dream wedding" 🤔

I think just tell all the family you've come to the decision no speeches at the wedding other than thank yous from your dp. Make a point if thanking both sets of parents for their contributions to making the wedding day happen the way you want it (eg with finances). Make sure there is a mic so it can be used yo drown out any attempted speech. This you can do by having a clear plan for after the meal which involves people moving to another area, and at the time speeches might be attempted the best man (or master of ceremonies at the time) will have to make a noisy fuss of telling people what to do over the mic, and if someone's really trying to have a go auth making a speech, he can make it even more impossible by directing which table to leave first, then the next one etc, in the pretence of avoiding too many people all up at the same time.

I would tell your dad exactly how you feel. But don't make it all about him. Tell him that you're not having any guest speeches as they are cringeworthy and embarrassing.
On the day, just have your husband make a short speech, and you make one too. Then toast made by best man!/ bridesmaid. If you're moving into another room after the meal, make sure the venue know to announce this immediately after the toast, and you and your husband get up and lead everyone out immediately.

That’s unfair. Sounds like OP’s family has suppressed the issues and that there is pressure on OP to pretend everything is fine.

Big things like weddings can bring family/emotional issues to the fore. Ideally yes it’d have been good for OP to think things through before accepting money and booking things, but sometimes things don’t quite “hit” people psychologically until later. This happened to my DH.

I would suggest arranging a good friend to be master of ceremonies. It's quite a useful thing to have anyway, to announce to guests when dinner is ready and where to go for the drinks reception, that carriages have arrived etc.

Tell your family in advance that you are only having speeches from X and y. The MoC can announce you as you enter for dinner, and then introduce any speeches you wish to have. They control the microphone and can be briefed not to give it to your father. They can also cut him off with a cheery, "thank you" and a redirect to the disco or whatever if he goes rogue.

We did exactly this for our wedding - DH, the best man and I all spoke and no one else.

I think if you are going to manage to do this appropriately and reasonably, you are going to have to pay back his financial contribution, sorry. I think if you have contributed to the cost of a party you will feel like you are part of hosting it and may want to speak to the collected guests. I suspect your mum will feel the same, so won't support you on this.

Really, how big a sum did he contribute? Can you pay him back in instalments? Otherwise I think you are going to have to suck it up.

The only way you'll get away with it is if you have a tough as nails mc. Someone who can defuse a loudmouth idiot like your dad and keep the mic away/take it back off your dad.

This is what I was going to suggest.

Can you give him a different job altogether, like calling everyone together to cut the cake?

I agree that terrible speeches at weddings reflect on the person giving them and not the person being bullied or teased.

I made my dad tell me what he was going to say because I hate surprises and find the mildest of teasing distressing. Would he accept it if you told him that you were dreading his speech and that his style of jokes about you makes you feel infantilised, and that you don't want to deal with those feelings on your wedding day?

What a difficult situation.

Agree with others the money is a poisoned chalice. You shouldn’t have taken it. But you have so what’s done is done.

Even if you paid him back now he would still believe he contributed and “has rights”

A blanket ban won’t work. He’ll just grab the mic or Male an impromptu one.
Talking to him or “humiliating him” by giving him some home truths will do nothing either.

My advice is go for the written speeches - let him contribute, it can be proofed and edited, then when it comes to reading them aloud have the wedding planner or similar explain in the rehearsals that “due to timings” people can read what is written ONLY and if they deviated the mic is removed. this is a strict policy and then have his speech between a course.

Think tactically about seating, ideally have him right at the end of the top table so things aren’t in grabbing distance.

I want to say you could then try hang about in the bathroom after the starter or whatever until he is done waffling and the planner gets the mic off him but it would seem wierd if he gave the speech and you weren’t there.

The only other advice is to have some therapy/ counselling before the wedding this try and develop some better coping mechanisms.

Also speak to your fiancé about your feelings maybe eloping is the way forward!!!

Good luck!

It sounds like he's going to give a speech regardless of what you say. Could you, as pp suggested, tell yours and dh's family together about no speeches. Then if he makes a speech you and dh walk out of the room till he's finished. Everyone will see him for the knob he is anyway.

I think you probably should ban the speeches - it is a shame to lose the ones you want, but you will be more relaxed about it. I would make it very clear before the wedding that there will be no speeches of any kind.

Do you have a friend you could ask to intercede if your dad tries anyway? Any thick skinned friends who don’t care if your dad hates them who could shut it down?

If the worst happens, you have two options. The first is just to suffer through it. It’s important to remember that if your dad is an arsehole, people will only judge him for it - not you. I totally understand that it will still be awkward for you, but no one will blame you for him making a bad speech.

Your other option, if he starts to make a speech, is just to get up and walk out of the room. I imagine that would take the wind out if his sails, but even if it doesn’t and he still goes ahead, it’s not something you have to experience yourself.

I hope that regardless of your dad you have a wonderful day

Could you sound him about about if it's a nice kind of funny or a ritual humiliation kind of funny that he's got in mind?

And if he's reluctant to give you a written speech, if that's what you'd like to do, could there be someone he would see as impartial so to still thinking he's going to suprise you?

I would have insisted on eloping op if that is what you wanted to do, and not accepted any money whatsoever as now he does seem to have a bigger role in your wedding than he otherwise would have.

But you are where you are, so NO speeches of any kind are needed. Getting your OH on board with this idea is key. Most of your guests will find the speeches part very boring anyway. Take them out, and give your father another role instead. So perhaps your father is in charge of making sure everyone enjoy themselves as he is so outgoing, put him to good use with the more difficult guests. Give him jobs for the wedding, such as dancing with great auntie Flo etc.

There is a version of your dad at every wedding, and on your special day you are unlikely to care very much about his rubbish jokes to guests etc.

No speeches, no grandstanding and make sure your mother steps up and keeps him in check and other family members should be given the job of making sure he is behaving himself.

I personally would think it might be less stress if you just let it happen, while briefing as many guests as you can that you are dreading it and want support. Are you having a sit down dinner? Could you have any bridesmaids, dear friends etc just come and surround you during the speeches? A very visual statement that what he says has no effect on your life and really nothing to do with you.

All the above suggestions are good.

Could you also get someone kind who has known you for many years, MOH maybe, to prepare an alternative Father of Bride speech so that if your father does deliver a speech, they can give the speech it should have been straight after?

It’ll be hard on your fiancés side if you ban speeches and your father ends up (and maybe a mitigating speech as above) being the only speech.

Unfortunately he will feel he has a stake in the wedding due to paying for it. Can you return the money?

He sounds like, even if you tell him he doesn’t have a speech spot he will do one anyway. Even though you know he may not listen, ask him to try and be positive when giving his speech, but expect the worse. It will be HIM that the guests think bad of not you, just don’t laugh at his stupid jokes and show the guests that you think he is a complete twat, although I suspect they will know anyway. Your new family will not think bad of you for the actions of your uncouth father. Don’t let him spoil your day, let him make a twat of himself, he sounds like he is good at that.

Actually I quite like the idea that if it's inevitable that he'll get up anyway, to have an extra speech from someone who will definitely say nice things, that could be a good way forward.

And/or if you sack speeches, or have them as written, could you have a projector with lovely photos of you and your DH, including of you each as children? Bit cheesy but could act as a sufficient distraction / alternative job?

Drug him. Slip something in his beer early on. If he's 'asleep' in the corner he will miss the speeches

Annandale has it right here OP. Go with the flow and let him do his speech but have a human sheild.

We didnt have any speaches at all!