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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - cleaning

113 replies

Losingthewill1 · 27/08/2018 02:01

So I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable

But I recently just came back from an emergency visit to see a close family member

I come back to find out no washing has been done by DH, no hoovering, his shit is everywhere, stuff has been just left out.

He has left the toilet caked in shit, stuff all over bathroom side.

I had to be away for three weeks, I lived out of a very small suitcase and it was a traumatic time for me.

Thing is some of this is my stuff but I was in such a rush to pack I thought that he would maybe think to I duno put away some stuff. ( I don’t usually leave my stuff out and about I put it away along with all his stuff)

We’ve lived together for three years and been together for 5.

He had time to do all his hobbies, move stuff away from my desk so he could use it, not put my stuff back on my desk.

He left washing in the basket and just washed his own things.

Kitchen is bare so I’m going to have to do a shop....

I just feel really let down the fact he hasn’t done anything to just keep our home basically just clean enough.

He said he just didn’t have time to do laundry etc but I’m like.... I make time...

OP posts:
KMoKMo · 27/08/2018 02:16

YANBU. I fear my husband would do the same. If I ask him to do something (minor) when I’m home I get the response - but I’m watching the kids / holding the baby! How the hell he thinks I get anything done all day is beyond me.
We have probably got them both too used to being tidied up after. My husband needs to be told what to do and will do it (albeit not very well) but it infuriates me I have to tell him (to do what to me is obvious). He does do all the meal planning, food buying and cooking so that’s redeeming. I haven’t found the answer.

Original poster
Losingthewill1 · 27/08/2018 02:20

Thank you for the reply x

I just feel like....how the hell to men think we manage?

Like I’m up at 02:19 cleaning up because the thought of the house being like this is just making me itchy.

I don’t think ( hope) he’s doing it with malice but I just couldn’t believe jf

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 27/08/2018 02:24

You aren't unreasonable.

It is learnt behaviour.

Lots of boys are brought up to not do housework in communal areas of the house and not give a shit about living in a hole. They then turn into adults and because they live with a woman who will clean up after them decide never to bother.

Unfortunately you are stuck with it but if you have a son make him clean up the communal areas of the house over his bedroom, and if he has his interest siblings to help in the care of them.

Louislovesmud · 27/08/2018 02:25

You're not unreasonable. Does he have a reason as to why so much has been untouched? It's not ok to leave all of the house work for you to pick up on your return. Not at all.

Original poster
Losingthewill1 · 27/08/2018 02:28

His mum is super mothering so it’s probably very true blue ig45.

Louiselovesmud

He said that he just didn’t get around to it, and told me to not expect great things when I came back home.

It’s just .. when I’m home I always make his dinner for when he gets in, the bathroom is clean,fresh towels, his stuff is clean and ironed.

I do it because it’s part of my routine but I think I’ve made a huge rod for my own back

OP posts:
IamaBluebird · 27/08/2018 02:33

Hope your family member is better now.
Don't do anymore tonight try and get some sleep. Time for a talk to your Dh tomorrow. Brew

100kindsofwonderful · 27/08/2018 02:43

We’ve been living away for a year but kept our city place as DH works here. I came back this week.

It is horrendous.

I asked DH, who has probably stayed here 50 times in the last year, why he hadn’t done any cleaning and he said “well you don’t have to when you’re on your own do you?”

😐

sadiekate · 27/08/2018 02:45

YANBU. I would talk to him tomorrow. I don't agree with the poster who said you are stuck with it. It sounds like just thoughtlessness, which people can and do learn to change.

Louislovesmud · 27/08/2018 02:53

Talk to him and stop doing his own tasks for him. As said above, people can change (if they want to)

motortroll · 27/08/2018 03:01

Always the same when I'm away with work. He does no washing AT ALL. We have 3 children. So I get back and have to empty the basket before I can wash the stuff from my case.

When he is away with work he gets back and I usually end up emptying his case 3 days later and picking up his suit jacket from the lounge at the same time.

Shit like this is the reason we're on the brink of divorce. Selfish bastard!

thebewilderness · 27/08/2018 03:02

He said he just didn’t have time to do laundry etc but I’m like.... I make time...
He had time to do his own.
It is a bummer when we discover they view us as servants instead of partners.

SusanneLinder · 27/08/2018 03:18

My DH is disabled and struggles to do housework, but he would have made an effort. He can't manage the hoover but would have got our daughter to do it.
Your partner is selfish and I would go on strike and REFUSE to clean unless he did it.
I would go heapshit!

Godowneasy · 27/08/2018 03:28

Such utterly selfish behaviour from him! And uncaring and inconsiderate too. He clearly doesn't see you as having an equal partnership either.
Don't have kids with this man.
This would be a deal breaker for me, as I wouldn't want to be his servant for evermore.

woodfires · 27/08/2018 03:29

I got bored of this fight, DH pays for a cleaner and ironing now. He didnt do the housework and didn't want to and I wasn't doing it all.

FlyingMonkeys · 27/08/2018 03:33

Tell him to grow the fuck up or fuck off? You're not a fucking maid. It's his mess not yours. If he opts to live like a pig then hire a cleaner and stick it in his bill. Can he manage to not piss on the floor and shit in a toilet?.. then hey he's capable.

Frusso · 27/08/2018 03:34

when I’m home I always make his dinner for when he gets in, the bathroom is clean,fresh towels, his stuff is clean and ironed.
YANBU, but this isn't down to his mother. you have enabled him. Stop doing his shit for him. Sort your own stuff first. Then the dcs dependant on their age. He can do his own stuff he's a grown man.

Candyflip · 27/08/2018 03:35

Oh. I also would not put someone else’s shit away. Maybe it is different because you had to go away suddenly, but I would never clean someone else’s stuff or expect them to do mine. I also think my kitchen would look bare to others as I don’t buy loads of food just for me.

FlyingMonkeys · 27/08/2018 03:47

In all fairness if he thinks it's acceptable to leave shit all over the toilet then I'd be telling him to clean the fucker himself. It's communal living space and the only individual I don't expect to clean up their own shit is the dog.

SummerIsEasy · 27/08/2018 04:19

Many men are lazy and dirty because there is always a woman around to clean up after them.

DS is an adult and has lived in shared houses for a number of years. he has learned that if the rented place is left dirty then he will not get his deposit back, so he cleans it up himself.

DH went to pick his stuff up a couple of days ago, because DS is moving to London at the beginning of september and needs to store stuff at ours for now.

DH said he was surprised that all adult DS's clothes were neatly ironed and folded ready to go to London. Men who have a woman to clean up after them do nothing for themselves. Yet if they have to, it is surprising how well some men can manage.

Candyflip · 27/08/2018 04:30

Fuckinghell summer, there is a self fulfilling prophecy if ever I heard one! I don’t have any men around me who don’t clean up after themselves, my dad, my husband, my son. You sound a bit fucking weak tbh.

Frogpond · 27/08/2018 04:50

I would be upset too. Talk to him about it in the morning, make him start doing his share. Make him clean the toilet!

youricloudisfull · 27/08/2018 04:54

Stop doing stuff for him. Don't have his dinner ready and his clothes ironed. This isn't the 1950's. And don't marry him if he can't do basic tasks.

junebirthdaygirl · 27/08/2018 07:06

Something like that happened to me with dh but on a far smaller scale. I came back after a weekend away with friends( so no emergency) and the kitchen was a mess. I just said l am heading out for an hour to get a coffee and need the place back to normal by then and drove off. He went scurrying around and did a brilliant job. No way would l face what you faced after a family emergency.
Now when l go away l text dh the time l will be home so he knows to get going. There is nothing more depressing than arriving home to a mess.

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/08/2018 07:12

Well things would definitely be changing from now on if I were you. I'd clean as usual just because I would refuse to live in a shit tip bit nothing would be cleaned and ironed for him and I definitely wouldn't be cleaning his shit, and I would make an issue out of leaving it for him to clean, dirty selfish bastard

stayathomer · 27/08/2018 07:24

Yanbu! I'm a sahm and find if I go anywhere and come back to any cleaning I hear about it forever! In general I come home to worse than a rubbish tip with a 'we meant to clean but didn't get the chance.' Is worse that you were away at something so tough on you. I hope your family member is okay

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