Aibu - cleaning

[Losingthewill1]

So I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable

But I recently just came back from an emergency visit to see a close family member

I come back to find out no washing has been done by DH, no hoovering, his shit is everywhere, stuff has been just left out.

He has left the toilet caked in shit, stuff all over bathroom side.

I had to be away for three weeks, I lived out of a very small suitcase and it was a traumatic time for me.

Thing is some of this is my stuff but I was in such a rush to pack I thought that he would maybe think to I duno put away some stuff. ( I don’t usually leave my stuff out and about I put it away along with all his stuff)

We’ve lived together for three years and been together for 5.

He had time to do all his hobbies, move stuff away from my desk so he could use it, not put my stuff back on my desk.

He left washing in the basket and just washed his own things.

Kitchen is bare so I’m going to have to do a shop....

I just feel really let down the fact he hasn’t done anything to just keep our home basically just clean enough.

He said he just didn’t have time to do laundry etc but I’m like.... I make time...

He is just a lazy arse, no way would I clean that toilet. My dh and all my brothers were brought up to think that cleaning was women's work. As adults they soon copped on and all do their share. I would be raging if i came home to that and I would blow my fucking top.

I really don't know the answer to this because if a man hasn't been trained to pick up after himself then it's a hard job to train them.

My first husband was a shift worker and was always tired so I did most of the housework. When he came off shifts he was still tired and wouldn't help about the house. I reasoned, pleased, shouted all to no avail, he still wouldn't do it.

I also worked full-time.

So I went on strike and refused to cook for him, wash/iron his clothes etc. He took his clothes to the bag-wash and got a Service Wash (where you take your clothes in and they wash them for you for a fee).

Although he was too tired to help about the house he wasn't too tired to look for an affair, and found a younger women, who he moaned to about his terrible wife who wouldn't do anything for him (!)

Fast forward. I divorced him, he married her and now she waits on him hand and foot. She works p/t.

My second husband pulls his weight. He was in the army and knows how to look after his clothes and do basic cleaning.

The moral of this is that selfish, entitled, lazy men don't change. You either agree to have the marriage all on their terms or you get out.

Sorry I can't be more helpful....

“I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, organise food shop, organise Christmas etc”

YABU. STOP. Stop doing it all. Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry. (I can’t believe he did his laundry but not yours, well two can play that game.)

I hope to god you don’t have children with this lazy selfish excuse for a man?!

The moral of this is that selfish, entitled, lazy men don't change. You either agree to have the marriage all on their terms or you get out.

This is pretty much the story of useless men worldwide.

My Dad took early retirement when I was young and my Mum was a barrister, so my Dad ended up doing most of everything around the house. It helped that he loved tinkering so he kept busy instead of going mad after retiring but he taught me stuff like skimming walls, hanging wallpaper, building furniture and car maintenance as well as making me and my brother help around the house with chores equally - he never subscribed to the 'women's work' thing.

In the biggest irony of all time I've married a man who (when we met) could do precisely nothing for himself. His Mum had done everything for him for thirty years and thought I was a harridan for making him learn to use the washer. Fast forwards ten years and DH is great at housework; no reminders or nudges, he just does it. The only things he's not great at are car stuff and DIY, but everything else is 50/50. It's only since coming on MN that I've realised that DH is the exception not the rule; most 30 year olds who are that inept remain that inept for life.

Ugh I just couldn’t be with someone who left shit all over the toilet.

I’m sorry you’ve returned to this OP and YANBU to expect him to have kept the place clean during your absence.

I don’t know what the answer is as I hate the fact that women (mothers), never fathers, always seem to get blamed for bringing their sons up to do fuck all about the house. Yet as women we seem to be conditioned into thinking domestic chores are our responsibility. There’s a world of difference between someone not doing their fair share of housework and leaving shit all over the toilet though.

You shouldn't have to spell anything out op.
He's a bloody grown up.

I expect my dc to pick up and tidy up after themselves and I expect dh to.
He's always been brilliant at home however the last couple of months his job role has changed resulting in earlier starts and quite a few later finishes.
This I can cope with and as I'm last out and first in (I work full time Aswell as having dc to organise) but what I don't cope with is him leaving his own stuff out or stuff he's got out to use and not bothered putting away.

I had a week of sniping at him about silly little things when he asked what my problem was as he couldn't figure out why I was so stroppy with him

I actually calmly told him I'm sick of tidying up his shit. He's dragged the hose and bucket out two weekends in a row to wash his car but didn't bother putting it back so i ended up doing it on my day off. When I broached it he brushed me off saying it's no big deal so I told him the next time he leaves it out it's staying there which means I won't be putting the two big wheelie bins four recycle boxes or the food waste out for collection as I can't get it up the path with the hose there and if that's the case the bins won't get emptied,or he could sort it when he got home at 10pm.
He hasn't left it out since. I also started making a pile of the rubbish he left out rather than put in the bin and stopped putting his clothes away. Left them on the side. Same with tools. Left them outside.

Nothing was said but I've noticed no more piles of crap anywhere and he actually had started doing things before he does an early start,like empty dishwasher and feed the dogs etc etc.

Op just do your own washing and ironing for a while. Do your own dishes. Eat out a couple of times a week on your own.
Let him see it may only be stuff to him but to you it's about respect.

" if a man hasn't been trained to pick up after himself then it's a hard job to train them."

Trained??

They are an adult-surely they just need telling once?

Pick your own stuff up/put it in the wash basket.

I think that maybe some just don't care about leaving their stuff where it falls & don't think that their partner might not like it.

I would consider leaving him unless he earns enough to hire a maid to clean up after him.

What a dickhead. Tell him to get off his arse and clean up his mess or your contribution towards next months household bills will be getting spent on a cleaner.

Then once you’ve taught him how to do it- draw up a rota and remind him it’s the 21st century.

This is the reason I taught all my sons to clean and how to take care of a house. I'd never want their wives to have to put up with such slobbish behaviour

Yep me as well. My 11 yr old can clean a toilet as well as I can.

Look OP you're enabling this, it's time to stop.

If you genuinely can't stand his clutter, get some laundry baskets with lids and shove his shit in there. Stop organising his life and return the favour on the just doing his own washing thing.

Or get separate houses and just date, tell him you don't see a future with someone else with such little respect for you.

Sorry just seen you married him.

Meh get seperate houses anyway.

You really need to explain the shit thing. I don't get it. Was it skid marks or literally shit on the toilet? Does he usually leave shit on the toilet for you to clean? I've never heard of anyone doing this in a home. A public loo, yes... dirty bastards do it bc they are anonymous and don't care about the poor sod who's job it is to clean them. How do you still fancy him?

I used say 'well I've checked the marriage contract and can't see where it says I'm solely responsible for X Y or Z'

Strike action maybe required!!

DH does the bathrooms on Saturdays, most of the washing (stuff in the baskets rather than say bedding) sorts socks loads the dishwasher empty the bins walks the dog picks up half the time with kids.
I cook he tidied the kitchen

It's taken a while, but we pretty much share the housework.

Ugh I really don't understand how you can live with someone so filthy and inconsiderate. I mean, these are very basic requirements in a healthy, functioning adult. What's good about him?

If you want to stay with him (and you might not want to) you could approach it this way. Have a discussion as follows.

He "doesn't mind" living in mess. Well, you do. You share a house. How will you solve this problem?
You expect communal standards as follows: (eg) curtains opened every day, beds made, clothes washed and put away weekly, bathroom cleaned biweekly, floor hoovered weekly, clean towels each week... whatever your particular expectation is.

Go through the list in detail and see if you can compromise on anything. Hammer home that if you have kids it will not be fair on them to live in mess and dirt. I bet the house where he grew up had a clean bathroom, etc. Once you have agreed the standard you want to live in - with compromise on both sides - then look at the work this requires. It will take x hours of housework a week to maintain this standard.

Then you're just into deciding what proportion you each do.

it is possible to compromise. My DH has a weird blind spot about clean towels but I put up with it as he is fanatical about mending broken stuff, regrouting tiles and things, sorting lightbulbs and car maintenance, all of which I totally ignore.

The thing is, the way you approach the discussion will let you know if he actually values your perspective.

*he is trying and he just doesn’t think.

He doesn’t mind living like this etc*

Trying for an A in divorce? Of course he thinks, he thought enough to separate out his washing and leave yours. He hasn't changed, this is who he is. He sent you a clear message: don't do it all and he'll do nothing* but serve his own ends. He has no respect for you. For a start I'd do nothing for him anymore. I'd get a FT job and do nothing for him, buy my own food, cook it for me, do own laundry, buy own gifts. When he brings it up I'd tell him I'm trying, I just didn't think, I don't mind living like this.

He will never change.

I shouldn't have to - but his mother (and father - but he worked away for months at a time so the brunt of this one genuinely does fall in one direction) spent the formative years rolling her eyes like a fucking TV advert mother and "oh that's just him for you" at his domestic ineptitude so he's got away with it for decades - have resorted to spelling out exactly what I want done and making him re-do it if he half-arses the job.

This is after numerous rows about him not "knowing" what needs doing and pulling his weight on things ...still less than satisfactory in terms of me taking all the mental load on - but I can hope.

He gets bloody bollocked when he looks at the washing machine blankly and asks what buttons need pressing though - we've had the machine two years and I've explained it multiple times and he'd fucking well remember how it worked if it was a games console.

Oh please-of course these men know what needs doing-they just cba!

Women don't magically know what to do because they're women.

I do just about everything around the house as I don't work.

My husband realises that when clothes appear ready for him to put away that they have been sorted, put through the machine, pegged out or hung up inside & ironed if needed.

Just because he doesn't do it doesn't mean that he doesn't know the process or couldn't do it if necessary.

when I’m home I always make his dinner for when he gets in, the bathroom is clean,fresh towels, his stuff is clean and ironed

You've answered your own question - why would he bother doing it when he knows you're going to do it all for him?

Time for a serious chat and splitting out of chores. You don't have to bend over backwards just because he is a mollycoddled bloke.

That’s the last thing you need OP, especially during an already difficult time!

The night my Mum died, BIL2 had taken over childcare from BIL1 so DP could be with me at my parents’ house.

BIL1, although lovely, left an absolute shit tip for us to come back to as he always does.

When DP and I got home in the early hours of the morning, BIL2 had the whole house spotless, laundry and ironing done, dinner made and kettle boiled. I could have bloody cried I was so grateful that he’d done it all (including cleaning up after BIL1!).

And no adult should be caking a toilet in shite, let alone leaving it like that!

He sounds like a pig with no respect for you what so ever.
My 2yo son even wipes up his own spills!
I wouldn't be putting up with that at all, leaving shit caked all over the toilet is just so disrespectful.

YANBU. Consider this an awakening! It’s good this has happened now - as it’s an opportunity to sort this for the future. You need to go ballistic. He will be shocked and be defensive but if you are firm you can change this.

My DH used to be a bit like this, just from not being thoughtful and being a little too much in his own head. Now he is brilliant. I went away for two weeks and when I came home all washing, cleaning and shopping was done, he’d cooked me a meal and redecorated the hall. He understands we are a partnership. I don’t give him lists or instructions as that’s just patronising, plus why should I have the mental load.

However, he wouldn’t put my things away but he might pile them up neatly and do the rest. Plus I don’t think he would leave the toilet shitty even if alone.

Don’t feel bad about taking this seriously and using it to redefine your expectations for the future.

I think you could try and explain it to him as a value of your time.

You keep things at state '0'. Because we all naturally make a mess as we go about our daily business (washing up, stuff left around etc), it takes an energy input of '1' every day to keep it at this level. You're happy to do the work this requires because you work PT (iirc?) and he works FT.

But he hasn't done any of this over the last 3 weeks, and his mess has built up. So now it needs an energy input of '4' to put back to how it was.

Who does he suggest does this?

YANBU, that’s revolting and selfish behaviour. I wouldn’t do it for him either, I would go around the house pointing out each and every fault and make him rectify them.

Urgh disgusting. I think it's time you stopped doing everything for him.let him do his own washing, cooking and cleaning. Don't buy presents for his family. He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility for himself.