Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - cleaning

113 replies

Losingthewill1 · 27/08/2018 02:01

So I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable

But I recently just came back from an emergency visit to see a close family member

I come back to find out no washing has been done by DH, no hoovering, his shit is everywhere, stuff has been just left out.

He has left the toilet caked in shit, stuff all over bathroom side.

I had to be away for three weeks, I lived out of a very small suitcase and it was a traumatic time for me.

Thing is some of this is my stuff but I was in such a rush to pack I thought that he would maybe think to I duno put away some stuff. ( I don’t usually leave my stuff out and about I put it away along with all his stuff)

We’ve lived together for three years and been together for 5.

He had time to do all his hobbies, move stuff away from my desk so he could use it, not put my stuff back on my desk.

He left washing in the basket and just washed his own things.

Kitchen is bare so I’m going to have to do a shop....

I just feel really let down the fact he hasn’t done anything to just keep our home basically just clean enough.

He said he just didn’t have time to do laundry etc but I’m like.... I make time...

OP posts:
AmayaBuzzbee · 27/08/2018 08:52

YADNBU. I had huge rows with my DH at the start of our relationship when we didn’t have kids. I travelled a lot for work, always left house lovely and came back to a pigstall and no food in the fridge. It feels like a huge F* off on your return.

We nearly broke up over it (over unmade beds actually!). I’ve come to understand that he genuinly didn’t think to do these things, and needed me to tell him. So I started telling him and leaving to-do lists. He has never accused me of nagging, just does what I ask.

Now, over 10yrs later his standards are almost as good as mine (!) and dishwasher gets filled in and emptied without my prompting Smile.

So, please do not accept that shit. Tell him how upset you are. It is so disrespectful and unloving, he clearly didn’t think to give a toss about your feelings whilst you are having a really difficult time. Tell him this is a dealbreaker and he needs to grow up!

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 27/08/2018 08:59

Fuck me I'd have gone full Apocalypse Now on this. I understand that some people are lazy and thoughtless and I could forgive the lack of food shop and what not but...

The toilet caked in shit - fucking boak. Unacceptable in any circumstance bar extreme illness, and even then he should be falling over himself to apologise.

Picking through the washing to just do his own - what an absolute selfish prick. This shows how differently he views your partnership.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 27/08/2018 09:02

@FASH8s 'he's so good, you're so lucky that is my ultimate rage trigger.

I got that all the bloody time when DS was a newborn, off my own mother as well as MIL!

Like I should be giving him a medal everytime he changed a nappy. Hmm

Fireworks91 · 27/08/2018 09:07

Fuck that, this isn't a man thing it is a lazy, dirty entitled arse thing.

FromNowOn · 27/08/2018 09:14

Look at yourself OP, what are you doing cleaning at 2am? He doesn’t care! He knows he can leave a shit tip because you will do it! Well stop it!

Do as another pp suggested. Tell him you’re going out, when you get back you expect the house to be sparkling. And tell him you are not cleaning his fucking shit off the toilet. That’s disgusting!

All this ‘I didn’t have time’ bullshit. Because you have endless time to clean up? There’s nothing more you’d rather do right? Why do you make his dinner for when he gets in? What on earth does he have to to do in the house as it sounds like you both live from about 70 years ago.

Yes you have made a rod for your own back, so change it.

I’d be fucking fuming, but like fuck would I be cleaning up after him.

longwayoff · 27/08/2018 09:40

Women teach your sons! If we dont, hell will freeze over before they even notice they're up to their ears in crap.

MaryDollNesbitt · 27/08/2018 09:50

He has left the toilet caked in shit...

I don't even know where to begin. It's just so, so appalling. The above sentence actually had me gagging, OP.

Sleep in the same bed as a beast who leaves his shit spread all over the toilet for everybody else to see? No thanks.

Share a home with somebody so selfish they only tackle their own laundry, leave the fridge and cupboards bare, and don't do any cleaning or tidying for three weeks while their partner is dealing with a distressing family emergency? No thanks.

Devote my romantic life to the likes of that? Over my dead body.

All this flowery nonsense about women needing to give instructions and/or leaving their husbands/partners 'to do' lists so the precious, incapable little lambs can remember how to pick and clean up after themselves. It's beyond shameful. I cannot understand why any of you put up with it, regardless of how amazing they are in other areas of your relationships. Pandering to a man-sized infant in such a manner. The hell with that. I think you're all bloody bonkers! I'd kick them out. Every last slatternly, fuckwit one of them. I fundamentally could not live with such vile, thoughtless creatures. Life is too goddamn short for such misery.

iMatter · 27/08/2018 09:56

I felt sick as soon as you mentioned the toilet caked in shit.

I could not live with or even have a relationship with someone who is so lacking in basic hygiene.

How an earth can you have a physical relationship with someone who is just so disgusting?

And I suspect he expects you to clean up after him so add misogyny to his list of qualities.

Run a fucking mile.

LeftRightCentre · 27/08/2018 09:59

I teach my kids to have some fucking respect for themselves and clean up their own shit, gender notwithstanding, and to never put up with someone who believes it's the other party's job to clean up after them.

Fatted · 27/08/2018 09:59

Just playing devil's advocate here. Who does this kind of stuff when you're both home? He's not going to do it is he if he knows you're going to keep doing it.

trojanpony · 27/08/2018 10:03

This is beyond awful.
I’m shocked at several of the responses.

By staying and not making a huge deal / step Change in the relationship you are setting yourself up for a life of drudgery.

I’d personally fuck off to a hotel or Airbnb and tell him to use today to clean the hell out of the house.
I’d also move into the spare room and go on strike.

Celebelly · 27/08/2018 10:07

That's gross. When I go away, my DP usually takes the opportunity to have a good clean and tidy so I always come back to a spotless house! Last time he organised my wardrobe too cos I'd been putting it off for months :D He is known as 'the unicorn' by some of my friends, though...

Shit caked in the toilet is horrific. That's beyond a bit of clutter or mess. Does he have no shame???

LeftRightCentre · 27/08/2018 10:07

Had I married such a specimen in error I would have no qualms about divorcing him now. Why? Because he's not a partner. A partner cares, a partner does his fair share, a partner is supportive (like in situations where one person's family member becomes ill and they have to see them). Because he has no respect for me by treating me like this and respect is love. Because he's a disgusting slattern with no respect for himself, either. Fuck that. Life is way too short.

trojanpony · 27/08/2018 10:09

Just playing devil's advocate here. Who does this kind of stuff when you're both home? He's not going to do it is he if he knows you're going to keep doing it.

She was gone for THREE WEEKS

Unless he has special needs this is not acceptable behaviour or devils advocate territory.
Are you are (devils) advocating that he thought cleaning HIS shit out of the toilet would help distract the OP from the distressing family situation she is dealing with and so was a thoughtful kindness to her in her time of distress

I despair.
How would you feel if a lodger did this?
Fucking livid. You most likely give them marching orders.
Do not have any tolerance or “understanding” for this behaviour.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 27/08/2018 10:11

This is the reason I taught all my sons to clean and how to take care of a house. I'd never want their wives to have to put up with such slobbish behaviour.

80sMum · 27/08/2018 10:19

My DH is the same; totally incapable of keeping things clean and tidy. He's retired so spends a lot more time at home than I do. All I ask is that the house doesn't look worse when I get home than it did when I left. Unfortunately, it usually does look a lot worse, usually after he's been using the kitchen. It's quite depressing to come home to.

I'm pleased to say that our adult DS is the polar opposite of DH and his home is always spotless. Cycle successfully broken! Smile

hiccupgate · 27/08/2018 10:27

DP is like that when I'm here but when I'm not, if I leave a very clear list and verbal warnings I'll usually come back to a fairly clean house. I shouldn't have to but at least it works...

BrioLover · 27/08/2018 10:39

I find this really sad actually. That it didn't cross his mind to make your home pleasant and well stocked for when you came back from a distressing trip.

I'm not sure I could live with that level of thoughtlessness.

strangelove99 · 27/08/2018 10:45

You said it yourself, you've made a rod for your own back.

Men who aren't taught to pull their weight domestically when they're children don't think to do it when they're adults especially if their partner continues the cycle of doing all the housework.

My husband never had to do anything around the house when he was a kid but he did go to uni where he learnt that unless he washed his own clothes and cleaned up after himself no one else was going to do it for him.

When we moved in together I made it very clear that we would have a 50/50 housework split. I'm not his Mum and would not be ironing his clothes or cooking especially for him or tidying up after him. It's about respect.

I never nag him, he just gets on with stuff that needs doing when he gets home from work. For example, I'm still in bed (oops) and I can hear him downstairs emptying the bin and doing the washing up.

I've asked him what he thinks about this and he says "some men just waltz through life having everything done for them, it's shit but the only way to stop it is for women to stop doing all the housework, or find a better husband 😉!"

romany4 · 27/08/2018 11:04

My DH is disabled but he'd still make sure the toilet was clean, dishes were done, clothes were washed there was food in the house for my return.

I'd be furious if I were you and be having serious words. That's pure selfish and lazy of your DH

Original poster
Losingthewill1 · 27/08/2018 18:17

Hi everyone thanks for the replies

I ended up falling asleep on the sofa because I just didn’t want to go back to bed in fear of me putting the pillow on his head.

We basically had a row because he says he is trying and he just doesn’t think.

He doesn’t mind living like this etc

To state that when he’s at work (I work part time)

I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, organise food shop, organise Christmas etc

Because he had in the past been goodwhen I had to go away but this time it’s just like... he’s changed.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 27/08/2018 21:11

You have to spell expectations out. Stuff like:Would you tidy while I hoover . He hasn't been conditioned to do it automatically like you do. Giving a choice helps. 'cleanup time:do you want to do the bathroom or the kitchen' . HTH

iMatter · 27/08/2018 22:13

But you shouldn't have to "spell it out" FFS.

Why do you have to explain to a grown man how he should behave and what you expect of him?

I cannot get my head around this and particularly how anyone can find a disgusting, filthy misogynist attractive and/or have any respect for him.

I have 2 sons. They have many faults but they know not to leave a shit covered toilet and have done since they were about 5.

Please have some self respect and bin this disgusting bastard.

diddl · 28/08/2018 08:32

"He hasn't been conditioned to do it automatically like you do. "

Wtf?

An adult really needs telling to clean shit from a toilet?

FromNowOn · 28/08/2018 08:34

He doesn’t mind living with shit all over the toilet? In what way is that ‘trying’?

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that you clear it up either. He’s selfish.