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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - cleaning

113 replies

Losingthewill1 · 27/08/2018 02:01

So I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable

But I recently just came back from an emergency visit to see a close family member

I come back to find out no washing has been done by DH, no hoovering, his shit is everywhere, stuff has been just left out.

He has left the toilet caked in shit, stuff all over bathroom side.

I had to be away for three weeks, I lived out of a very small suitcase and it was a traumatic time for me.

Thing is some of this is my stuff but I was in such a rush to pack I thought that he would maybe think to I duno put away some stuff. ( I don’t usually leave my stuff out and about I put it away along with all his stuff)

We’ve lived together for three years and been together for 5.

He had time to do all his hobbies, move stuff away from my desk so he could use it, not put my stuff back on my desk.

He left washing in the basket and just washed his own things.

Kitchen is bare so I’m going to have to do a shop....

I just feel really let down the fact he hasn’t done anything to just keep our home basically just clean enough.

He said he just didn’t have time to do laundry etc but I’m like.... I make time...

OP posts:
maras2 · 27/08/2018 07:31

I've never heard such nonsense Angry
No person (including men) that I know would ever do this.
Dirty, disrespectful pig. How can you stand sharing a house with such a person?

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 27/08/2018 07:38

Basically his time and effort is worth more than yours and he doesn't respect you enough to have the place looking half decent for your return.

LyndorCake · 27/08/2018 07:44

My DH would be exactly the same except he would be "too busy" doing little projects which a) didn't need doing and b) only benefit him.

Hope you're family member is better and you've gotten some sleep. Just tell DH you're off out but you expect the house to be in a better state when you get back.

MargaretDribble · 27/08/2018 07:48

Sad OP. I had to spend 3 weeks with a family member a couple of years ago and I can imagine how stressed you were to come home to a mess. YANBU at all

expatinspain · 27/08/2018 07:52

That is actually shocking. I'm surprised at how many people say their DH would be the same. My DP is a neat freak, so the house would be sparkling, but even my ex, who was a narcissist, chauvinist prick and a dirty pig to boot, would have run a hoover round and tidied up. It wouldn't have looked like a cleaner had been in, but he would have made it look semi presentable after that amount of time because even he would have got that that was unacceptable, and he didn't 'get' much, believe me. I'd be beyond furious. The fact that he did washing and didn't put yours in too shows a complete lack of respect.

DameSquashalot · 27/08/2018 07:56

I really wish my DP was a neat freak. I don't think he ever did any chores at home so he thinks they just get magically done.

If I ask him why he leaves stuff for me to do, I always get the same response. "I just didn't think"

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 27/08/2018 07:56

Yes yes to previous poster who said about teaching your son to break the cycle. I have 2 DS and will not be responsible for 2 more useless men in the world who don’t think it’s their responsibility to be tidy decent humans.

Kemer2018 · 27/08/2018 07:58

😞sorry to hear this. My partner never used to clean his skidmarks...so they stayed until i invited his parents over.
You've never seen a man scrub a bog so quickly. You see it's all about appearances with him.
22 years of constantly saying "dishwashers free" "pick towel up" and "clean that shite off the loo".
I wouldn't recommend this life and neither should you have kids with your man.

Truckingonandon · 27/08/2018 08:01

Christ, here we go again, blaming women for men's behaviour.

MessyBun247 · 27/08/2018 08:01

Ugh. Do not marry this man. Do not procreate with him. He thinks you are his maid. So disrespectful. He is fully capable of having the house clean for you coming home. He just chooses not to lift a finger because he thinks thats your job. Selfish, entitled, lazy.

I’ve been with enough men like this to know they don’t change. They get angry when you ask them to help out a bit. They call you a nag. You start noticing how much of your time is taken up cleaning up after his useless rotten arse, when you could be using that time to do things in life that you enjoy. That’s when the resentment starts to build.

I’m so glad to be single. Yes there are some men who clean and tidy. But they are in the minority.

Immigrantsong · 27/08/2018 08:05

Stop cleaning now. Right now. Get the dirty pig to do so. Go out and relax. Shit everywhere? Nah fuck that mate.

LeftRightCentre · 27/08/2018 08:08

I would never ever have kids with him. Actually, I'd never have married a person like this. Not in a million years, no matter how good he was otherwise. I can't abide a slatternly pig who is okay with living in a shit tip.

MessyBun247 · 27/08/2018 08:11

Oh shit, just realised he is your H and not your P. Damn.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 27/08/2018 08:14

This happened to me once, I shouted and cried and left the house straight away. I am normally mega calm and unflappable, and it shocked DH

He now is a lot more proactive and I don't think it would happen again

Get angry!

idontknowwhattosay · 27/08/2018 08:17

How totally disrespectful.
Him removing your clothes from the basket and onky doing his was a point proving exercise. So he has now made his point and you need to follow his example.

OwlinaTree · 27/08/2018 08:20

As Junebirthday said, I message to let him know I'm on my way back. As a minimum I expect him to have tidied up his rubbish and washed up. It works.

I don't have this house work row any more. I tell him what he needs to do. I know he should look round and work it out but he doesn't. So I tell him today we are doing X and y. Which do you want to do? There's no arguing, he just does it.

Hoping to bring the children up to pull their weigh without direction!

Whyohsky · 27/08/2018 08:27

I’d LTB.

eurochick · 27/08/2018 08:28

If he doesn't do anything around the house normally I'm not sure why you'd think he would when you're not there.

NeeChee · 27/08/2018 08:30

I absolutely refuse to clean other people's shit off the toilet. It's beyond grim, and both DP and his son (nearly 11) are old enough to use a toilet brush. DC does try to shirk it sometimes by denying it was him despite him being the only person who's been in the bathroom!

Aaaahfuck · 27/08/2018 08:39

That's really selfish and disrespectful. Of you've been away for 3 weeks I find it hard to believe he had 0 time for housework. Does he work 7 days a week?

Pp saying they don't pick up others stuff. I think that's just what you do in a shared home. (within reason) I mean it can be difficult to put away as you might not know where it goes or if clothes are dirt etc. However I think in these circumstances is would be normal to make an effort and deal with the other person's stuff as part of the cleaning. I mean how much of your stuff did you leave around?

EleanorLavish · 27/08/2018 08:39

I hope you didn't clean it all up OP? Make the lazy shit do it himself or else he has 'won', and made his point that if he leaves it you will just so it.

diddl · 27/08/2018 08:39

"He has left the toilet caked in shit,"

That is just disgusting beyond words.

When I had to go away in similar circumstances I was disappointed to come back to a pile of ironing.

All the washing was done, but husband was just ironing what was needed & I thought that that was a pretty poor show tbh.

That said he was working full time, looking after the kids, walking the dog twice a day, everywhere was clean & tidy, food shop done, meal waiting for me.

So maybe not so bad?

Littlebluebird123 · 27/08/2018 08:40

My MIL keeps a mega tidy house and my DH never was allowed to do anything. She waited on him and and foot.

However, he'd never do this.

I'm a SAHM so do the majority of the cleaning etc. He's not very tidy and I do often have to pick up after him.

But I went away with the kids at the beginning of the summer without him as he was at work. The house was not very tidy when I left as a few things had come up and this was a last minute trip to see my ill dad.

I came home to a beautifully tidy house. The children's bedrooms were pristine, dusted, hoovered as well as all communal areas. Washing up to date, bathrooms all cleaned, kitchen lovely.

And he'd been at work 7.30am-6pm all week.

He knew I'd had a difficult week and that it would be such a balm to my soul to come home and just be at home when I returned.

I would definitely speak to your DH because it's just such selfish behaviour. Even if it wasn't done to your standard, it should have at least been kept up to a minimum. And the fact he managed to do his own washing means he chose not to do yours rather than didn't have time.

FASH84 · 27/08/2018 08:41

Do you do all of the cleaning, grocery shopping etc when you are home? If so, stop. The motto in my house is 'a penis doesn't equal privilege'. I work away a lot during the week at the moment, I get home on a Friday night to a clean and tidy house with no laundry to be done, so I can throw mine straight in the machine. I'm not tidying up mess created when I wasn't there, when I'm home we split the chores. I do tend to do the grocery shop, either on the way home or do an online and tell DH to log in and add anything we've run out of while I'm away. Your partner expects you to be his cleaner, don't reinforce that stereotype.

FASH84 · 27/08/2018 08:44

Oh and DH works in a public sector role with very demanding clientele, nine am until nine or ten pm Monday to Thursday, he had some Fridays working at home but last Friday had a meeting in central London and didn't get home until after three, I got home at seven and everything was done. I don't buy into the nonsense I get from SIL and others 'he's so good, you're so lucky, you've trained him well' that's an insult to DH he's a man he doesn't have additional needs or a learning disability, he's more than capable.