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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

worried about DH

112 replies

notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:22

I have name changed as this is sensitive.

DH and I are staying in a forest resort with our 2 DC. I took them to an activity this afternoon. DH watched from the cafe. We all had a great time.

We agreed to get a takeaway for the DCS (fresh pizza) as they finished just before 7pm. It took a while and DD remarked whilst checking on progress in the cafe that Daddy was OK because he had a beer. Fair enough. On the way back he swerved another car and I shouted 'drive on the right!' We are in Europe... I think he might have been over the limit. I definitely saw him have one beer at lunchtime plus he had at least one at the activity centre, now this is projection but at home when he takes DCS out to the park he often buys a 4 pack of beers so I think he may have been drinking all afternoon but I don't know this as fact. There is a bar in the viewing area for the activity we did.

He drove us back to our self catering cottage and became fixated with the bbq. He put loads of big logs on it and lit a massive fire and asked everyone to have a look. OK I thought, DCS are happily eating their pizza. I bathed them, did teeth and stories etc and put them to bed. All happy.
I will say now that DH did the lions share of childcare today as I had a headache, I felt better later on and did the activity with them. Did bedtime etc.
After they were in bed he was still watching the fire and asked me to come and look. I sat with him for a bit next to it. He kept commenting it's amazing etc. No problem there.
It got to 10.30 pm and I'd been watching Netflix on the laptop in the lounge. He'd been out watching the fire for 3 hours. I noticed there were flames on the forest floor and commented be careful. He ignored me. I was concerned as it's a forest type resort. He just watched it burn. There were massive logs on top of the bbq
He didn't use it to cook just kept burning big logs from around us. I poured a jug of water and put it next to the bbq as a precaution. He was acting very drunk.
He ignored it, I said be careful, then I went and poured water on the ground to put it out, not on the bbq just on the flames on the ground as he wouldn't listen. Loads of leaves around etc. He pushed me away quite aggressively. I'm not hurt but it wasn't nice. I locked the back door as it scared me but then felt bad and unlocked it.

At home he drinks too much regularly. I've brought it up so many times. We've been together 15 years. I'm worried about him. Tonight after he pushed me I called him an alcoholic
I believe this is true. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery. DH has been drinking heavily for 20 years.
I've locked my door tonight (sleeping in extra room). I think he was drunk when he drove us earlier. He put washing up liquid in the dishwasher and it's leaking bubbles everywhere. Strange behaviour.

Not sure what I want from replies but this has been a weird evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:27

Is anyone there? I'm panicking a bit

OP posts:
FASH84 · 26/08/2018 22:28

He's a danger to your children and you leave them alone with him, he takes a four pack to the park with them, he drove drunk with you all in the car, he's lighting reckless fires, he's too drunk to control in a forest outside the cabin where your children are sleeping. YABU to recognise his drinking, the risks he poses and not protect your children from him. It may not have hurt but he's also been violent to you. I don't use this often at all in a serious way, but LTB.

FASH84 · 26/08/2018 22:29

Get yourself and the children away from him as soon at it's safe to do so. Make plans for when you get home

MissConductUS · 26/08/2018 22:32

Please read this thread. A lot of it applies to you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3326331-Is-my-DH-depressed-I-feel-very-alone-and-would-love-some-advice

This link is in the thread above, but make sure to give it a look.

alcohol use disorder

Flowers
Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:33

I don't know he was drunk in the car and I can't prove it
I can't sleep now
????

OP posts:
Passingwords · 26/08/2018 22:34

Can you do the driving? Can you minesweep for and monitor the booze on holiday? Longer term you need some straight talking as he does sound as if he has a problem- can you record him drunk if he’s in denial to play back later?

MudCity · 26/08/2018 22:35

This kind of recklessness is not something I could tolerate.

I wouldn’t be travelling anywhere with him unless I was driving. I wouldn’t be leaving him in charge of the DC. I would be contacting Al-Anon for advice and observing my DH very closely.

Unless he is willing to admit he has a problem and is willing to stop drinking I would not be planning my future with this man.

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:40

I'm insured on his car but I'm a nervous driver and with all the one way systems and complicated junctions I wouldn't cope driving on the right here. I'm relying on him to get us home. We don't need to leave the resort in truth for the next 5 days until we go home. We were planning day trips but it's not essential.

I feel that I've failed him by not addressing the drinking properly before the holiday. He drinks too much at home but seems to think on holiday he can step it up a gear. I won't lie, I've had 3 glasses of wine tonight but all after the children were asleep and I'm not going near a car or making fire.

Is it a cry for help?

OP posts:
NonJeNeRegretteRien · 26/08/2018 22:41

Is there anything going on that could be making him act so unusually... drinking too much, seeming odd and distant?

Ansumpasty · 26/08/2018 22:42

Don’t confront him about his drinking tonight while drunk.
Make sure you are all safe (and he’s safe) and keek your distance. An argument now could end badly.

Speak about it tomorrow when he’s sober. It’s not acceptable behaviour and you don’t have to put up with it

Racecardriver · 26/08/2018 22:45

My mother was an alcoholic and age was very good at hiding it. Until she got in front of the wheel, or couldn't hold a proper conversation that is. She was a fairly intelligent woman but sometimes I would walk in the room and see her sat in front of the TV with a stupid grin on her face. That was when I knew she was drunk. Just little things. When someone drinks constantly you get used to slightly funny speach or a bit of a sway in the way they walk. But when they do things that make you wlbder whether they are drunk they're drunk.

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:46

I didn't rise to an argument which is good. I locked the bedroom door and am now stewing in bed on my own.

At home he is successful professionally, financially stable due to this and his parents' wealth but very lonely. He has spoken before to me about depression but refuses to get help from GP. I take medication for anxiety. I'm much more socially confident than him but try to include him. He recently had an injury from a sport he loved which gave him some social life so cannot participate. He is very good with the children and a good provider. We bumble along ok at home but he does drink a fair amount every day and I worry about it

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/08/2018 22:48

The way he was staring would make me think something was really wrong, and not necessarily alcohol. It does sound as though he'd drunk far too much. It's really tough on you as you will have to monitor this on the holiday, but to be honest, I'd be looking at different living arrangements when you get home.

He doesn't take any drugs, does he?

HollowTalk · 26/08/2018 22:49

Did he have a head injury with the sport?

Smellbellina · 26/08/2018 22:51

I'm sorry to say this but the whole situation sounds nuts and you seem to be a bit desensitised. Even the amount of beer you know he had drunk is more than I would be comfortable letting someone then get into a car and drive, especially with my DC in the car.
You sound very understanding of his behaviour in your post, maybe too understanding. What's your relationship like normally?
Buying a 4 pack of beer to drink at the park with your DC is really not in any shape or form normal behaviour

SlartiAardvark · 26/08/2018 22:52

Calm down & review it in the morning.

For Gods sake don't pay any attention to the melodramatic posters above.

You're the only one who actually knows what is happening - use your brain to analyse it & make an informed decision.

No one here is in a position to comment, only offer very biased advice.

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:55

No drugs that I know of and no head injury.
It was a stress fracture on a limb and the sport is high impact so he can't compete any more. It was quite social and he really misses it. He doesn't have any social life outside the sport. No social media. I have friends through the DCS and go out fairly regularly with them. I try to set up couples evenings but it's an uphill struggle. He is anti social in general mainly due to his upbringing. We have a lot of history together. I think on balance he needs me more than I need him. He isn't close to his family. Weird circumstances and a lot of wealth but not much in the way of support.

OP posts:
Pippylou · 26/08/2018 22:56

Could he be having a bit of a breakdown?

Cardiganandcuppa · 26/08/2018 22:56

He buys a four pack of beer to take your children to the playground??

ShesABelter · 26/08/2018 22:57

If he is drinking every day he's a functioning alcoholic. The same as my mum.

Is the fire still lit? Tbh, right now that would be my main concern!

Smellbellina · 26/08/2018 22:58

Maybe he is depressed, and alcohol is a depressant too.
How has he responded when you raise the issue of his drinking at home?

TomHardysNextWife · 26/08/2018 22:59

If he's over the limit, he could kill you and your children. He is not safe behind the wheel and relying on him to drive you home from Europe is insane. His behaviour is bad enough but knowing he's over the limit and getting in the car anyway makes you no better, frankly.

Take the keys away and don't give him them back.

You do sound very removed from it all, which is likely to be your anxiety medication I can appreciate. But you can't stand back and wait for this to implode around you.

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 23:00

Fire is out and it's now raining heavily.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 26/08/2018 23:00

He is anti social in general

In what way?

bluebell34567 · 26/08/2018 23:01

its not a cry for help, he has drinking problem. doesnt he know that he isnt supposed to be driving when drunk?
where is he atm? asleep?
in the morning you need a serious talk about this.
he is putting everyone at risk.
if he is going to drink like that for the rest of the holiday, you need to return to your home asap.
and he needs to go to his gp to get help for his depression and alcohol problems.
you cant live like that, you have to think of your children and yourself. you putting them at risk.