worried about DH

[notsurewhatshappening]

I have name changed as this is sensitive.

DH and I are staying in a forest resort with our 2 DC. I took them to an activity this afternoon. DH watched from the cafe. We all had a great time.

We agreed to get a takeaway for the DCS (fresh pizza) as they finished just before 7pm. It took a while and DD remarked whilst checking on progress in the cafe that Daddy was OK because he had a beer. Fair enough. On the way back he swerved another car and I shouted 'drive on the right!' We are in Europe... I think he might have been over the limit. I definitely saw him have one beer at lunchtime plus he had at least one at the activity centre, now this is projection but at home when he takes DCS out to the park he often buys a 4 pack of beers so I think he may have been drinking all afternoon but I don't know this as fact. There is a bar in the viewing area for the activity we did.

He drove us back to our self catering cottage and became fixated with the bbq. He put loads of big logs on it and lit a massive fire and asked everyone to have a look. OK I thought, DCS are happily eating their pizza. I bathed them, did teeth and stories etc and put them to bed. All happy.
I will say now that DH did the lions share of childcare today as I had a headache, I felt better later on and did the activity with them. Did bedtime etc.
After they were in bed he was still watching the fire and asked me to come and look. I sat with him for a bit next to it. He kept commenting it's amazing etc. No problem there.
It got to 10.30 pm and I'd been watching Netflix on the laptop in the lounge. He'd been out watching the fire for 3 hours. I noticed there were flames on the forest floor and commented be careful. He ignored me. I was concerned as it's a forest type resort. He just watched it burn. There were massive logs on top of the bbq
He didn't use it to cook just kept burning big logs from around us. I poured a jug of water and put it next to the bbq as a precaution. He was acting very drunk.
He ignored it, I said be careful, then I went and poured water on the ground to put it out, not on the bbq just on the flames on the ground as he wouldn't listen. Loads of leaves around etc. He pushed me away quite aggressively. I'm not hurt but it wasn't nice. I locked the back door as it scared me but then felt bad and unlocked it.

At home he drinks too much regularly. I've brought it up so many times. We've been together 15 years. I'm worried about him. Tonight after he pushed me I called him an alcoholic
I believe this is true. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery. DH has been drinking heavily for 20 years.
I've locked my door tonight (sleeping in extra room). I think he was drunk when he drove us earlier. He put washing up liquid in the dishwasher and it's leaking bubbles everywhere. Strange behaviour.

Not sure what I want from replies but this has been a weird evening.

I also wondered whether there are drugs involved. Alcohol alone doesn’t make you watch a fire for three hours, if you are pissed you’d fall asleep doing that. He sounds wired and unhappy and a bit all over the place,
I’m sorry. It’s not nice and you are away from home and vulnerable.
Leave it until tomorrow then perhaps gently try to talk to him but tread carefully,

Hope you’re ok

Hang on a minute, I didn't know he was over the limit when he got in the car.

I saw him have a half pint of beer at 1pm.

DD said he had a beer at 7pm when he ordered the pizza.

I had suspicions he had had some during the activity whole viewing from the cafe area which has a bar. But not until he swerved the car and was acting strangely afterwards.

I would not get into a car with my children with a drunk driver.

Why the fuck did you let your kids get in the car with this man if you know all of these things.

A family in my town about 6 months ago, Mum put kids in the car with dad drunk who drove 100mph into a tree and then ran off with one of the kids. A 1yo 5yo and 7yo.

You are risking your children's lives knowingly letting them either in a car with this man or in his care. You chose to do that!!!

I don't even have the words.
What chance do your kids have if even their mum can't safeguard them?

He sounds like my husband.

He is a drinker, will occasionally admit he knows its too much etc (though never admit that he can't stop) and says it's because of depression and self hatred. It doesn't make the reckless behaviour easier to live with though. Especially when he refuses to ask for help/treatment.

I have been to Al-Anon for two meetings o far, and I found having the chance to vent to people, anonymously, who will just listen supportively and not try to offer advice or ask what are you going to do, really really helpful. I was,surprised how much it helped. Long term, i don't know what I'm going to do, but it doesn't get easier and I think at some point soon I'm going to have to decide I cant live with the risks he takes. I feel unsafe. I know its hard.

You've said nothing to indicate you've failed him though so I think you probably haven't. It's natural to some of us to look after people, but you are not responsible for his happiness. In fact it's impossible to make him happy. And he is a grown up, with all his faculties. Whatever the issue, he has to find the strength to deal. He has to sink or swim.

So, so sorry.

Anti social in general:

Hates enclosed spaces with people eg soft play, swimming in busy pools etc.

Deliberately avoids going outside when neighbours are out there- hates small talk.

Is perfectly capable of communication in his job role eg he works from home often on a headset phone and is animated, warm, personable when I hear him talking.

Needs a lot of his own space each day eg a long walk on his own every evening. Won't sit and eat a meal with me. Is friendly around the house but won't have a long conversation.

He's quite aloof due to his upbringing mostly.

OP, please tell me the fire is completely out. Speaking as an alcoholic, I don't feel I have enough information to establish whether OP's DH is an alcoholic. He may just be cracking up generally.

The most likely explanation is that he had far too much to drink. He probably drank quite a bit without you noticing. There are other possible explanations, but they are much less probable from what you’ve said. He sounds as if he has a severe drinking problem and you need to wake up to it now before he endangers you or your children any further.
I’ve been through this, I looked for every other explanation but the one staring me in the face was the correct one and I had to deal with my denial and protect my children. I had to realise that drunks don’t think in the way the rest of us do. Just because I wouldn’t drive drunk didn’t mean that my DH wouldn’t. Your story sounds horribly familiar to me.
Good luck - come on here for support

Thank you for the support

What should I do in the morning?

The children adore their daddy and I feel scared of breaking up our family.

Op you sound like you are the enable. What's he doing when he's out for his long walks every evening? I assume you are dealing with the kids. Is he drinking then do you think?

Fires can be quite mesmerising, fire watching is a thing.
It sounds like a bit of a lonely relationship?

I'm bloody relieved to hear that it's raining heavily, but please double check that the fire is completely out. Forest fires spread like, well, wildfire. And can kill people.

Are you able to ask him if he was OK, OP? Without bringing up the alcohol issue? Or would that just annoy him? If it's depression-linked (and alcoholism so often is) he might need support, which can be very hard to give... I think you need more information.

I'm with Smellbellina and TomHardys. You mention really very disturbing things as if they were entirely normal. It's not normal to take a four pack of beer to the park with your dc. It's not normal to drink and drive - which is what he was doing - it sounds as if he had had at least three beers since middayish. One small beer or tiny glass of wine may be OK before driving (though tbh nobody would be driving my children having had any alcohol at all) but it sounds as if he was drinking most of the afternoon. If things had been only slightly different this evening, your children or you could be dead, or he could be under arrest in a foreign country as a drink driver or as the starter of a forest fire which led to the resort being evacuated. I'm not exaggerating.

Talk to him tomorrow. He mustn't drink the day before the drive home. I understand how well that will go down, but the alternative if something happens is horrendous. Or you'll just have to drive.

Are you sure the long walk in the evening is not going to the pub?
A colleague of mine was married to an alcoholic, he used to order a triple shot at the bar, down it and then come to the table with only the half a pint and act like that was all he ordered.
Even if you are wrong about the drinking, he sounds like he needs help. Honestly I would be considering an ultimatum of get help and try to get better or we can't stay together.
Drinking alone while your kids play at the park is not normal.

You don't necessarily need to split up if you don't want to. It really depends how receptive he is to the fact that he has a problem that can't be self medicated with alcohol.
How has he responded when you've raised it in the past? You said he pushed you earlier? Is that the first time he's been aggressive? Is he intimidating? First thing is you keep you and the DC safe.

I'm sorry this is happening and you are away from home and scared.

In the morning I'd call a trusted friend and get some rl advice as well.

Then I'd probably remove all the alcohol from the house and pack up to go home.

From the posts I assume you have a good income in the family so I'd order a taxi and book flights home. If you didn't want to take the children home then I'd move myself to a new family friendly place where your DH couldn't find you whilst he cools off and you can assess the situation in a safe space. Ideally I'd call a friend to come and join you for moral and family support. If possible ask a friend of your husbands to come out and take him home.

It sounds like he has issues and maybe this is an indirect cry for help.

The above only really work if you have access to a reasonable amount of money.

If you don't then I'd call a friend or parent to ask them to pay for you to take a taxi to the airport/train station and come home. It's not going to me much of a holiday if that is how he is acting and it doesn't sound safe. Alcohol turn people into strangers.

Hugs

Just checked again and fire is out completely.

I don't know where he goes on long walks and I do get lonely. Even when I sit with him to watch TV etc he's glazed over watching the same old thing. I'm not perfect. I don't drink nearly as much as him though
On an evening I'll go swimming or for a genuine sober walk but I suspect he ends up in the pub when he has a walk.

In the day to day, stuff is busy and I'm an introvert so quite enjoy time to myself of an evening. However my drinking is limited to a couple of glasses of wine 2-3 times a week. I always have a few sober days a week and I enjoy them- sleep better etc. Rarely go out and get shit faced.
He never ever goes out socially and always drinks at home on his own or with me. Or in the pub. I think he takes the DCS there if they go to the park on the weekend. There's a fine line though, one beer while your kids have a fruit shoot on a Saturday afternoon is normal in my opinion but I'm not sure how far this is getting out of hand.

Op, there's probably no right answer of what you should do - I suppose I might advise calmly saying to him 'I was scared last night, by your driving, by you letting the fire get out of control and by you pushing me. Can you explain it?' And go from there.

But I know any hint of criticism from me makes my husband defensive and it all deteriorates into a shitstorm of recriminations. How do you think he will be in the morning?

Should you leave him? It has to be your decision. I'm held back by the fact my daughter loves her daddy and that if we split,I suspect I'll be unable to keep him from having her overnights, which means I'll always wonder if she's at risk. That's the most frightening part, when you want to split because of their drinking + recklessness but you know damn well they're not going to get any less reckless and so how can you protect your children? Staying together or breaking up, how can you protect them?

I have no answers but I'm so so sorry.

It's called creeping normalcy, and then one day you look around you and think 'what the hell?'
I think this was your day.
You sound like a perfectly normal drinker btw.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. Local time is 00.27 and DCS will be up as normal in the morning

Thank you for your contributions and thoughts everyone.

It's out of hand already.

You keep saying you 'think' he's drinking in various situations. I'd bet my life savings that you're right. You don't seem to want to accept and confront this, though - quite possibly because you know you'll have to act.

I think ColdCottage's advice is good. Get yourself and your children home.

Good Idea to get some sleep, I hope you keep posting. There is a way through this

OP, get some sleep for now. Everything can wait until the morning.
Please be kind to yourself, your drinking sounds normal and you have come to a realisation about your DH today.
All of those niggles have added up, but don't beat yourself up about things. Decisions will have to be made, but as long as you can all get home safely, I would wait until then.
Please take care and keep posting here, even if not on the same thread.

You sound very nervous, worried and uneasy, and your description of your DH warrants this. I would be anxious too. There is a problem here.

You could agonise about whether he drinks, how much, whether he is okay or not. You won’t know the answers exactly. However you do know that he is not looking after you or the children, that he is out of balance, that there is a question over whether he’s supervising your kids adequately, and he’s doing silly things like building a big fire and then pushing you away roughly.

These are all warning signs that you mustn’t ignore.

You need to start building a safe ring around you and the kids. No letting him take them to the park at the moment. I’d talk to trusted friends and family, and to any helplines, and start to form a temporary plan. You cannot have your kids or you at any risk. That’s number one. Number two is your husband sorting his way through and your relationship. But it can’t progress if there are any question marks on your emotional or physical safety ie does he drink.

Take things slowly, but don’t tackle this on your own.

Do you know how much he drinks?

Your posts suggest you have an idea but have been trying to ignore it for the last few years. He takes a 4 pack to the park, goes for a long walk every evening via the pub and takes the kids for a half pint and fob off fruit shoot on a Saturday.

It all sounds like a drink problem op. Your dh wants to ignore it but I don't think you can anymore if it means travelling with a drink driver.

I had an alcoholic Dad. He used to drive me and my friend to an after school club and buy drink on the way, then dump the empty cans at the top of our road. My Mum was very annoyed no one ever wanted to lift share.

It was obvious to me that he drank a shit tonne but we all had to go on for years pretending we hadn't noticed. I eventually told my mum he was an alcoholic and that I was going to Al-Anon when I was 19.

In my case, despite being an alcoholic, my dad was still the better parent, so we were fucked even without alcohol. You can still help yourself and your kids op. Don't miss this opportunity.