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AIBU?

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Original poster

worried about DH

112 replies

notsurewhatshappening · 26/08/2018 22:22

I have name changed as this is sensitive.

DH and I are staying in a forest resort with our 2 DC. I took them to an activity this afternoon. DH watched from the cafe. We all had a great time.

We agreed to get a takeaway for the DCS (fresh pizza) as they finished just before 7pm. It took a while and DD remarked whilst checking on progress in the cafe that Daddy was OK because he had a beer. Fair enough. On the way back he swerved another car and I shouted 'drive on the right!' We are in Europe... I think he might have been over the limit. I definitely saw him have one beer at lunchtime plus he had at least one at the activity centre, now this is projection but at home when he takes DCS out to the park he often buys a 4 pack of beers so I think he may have been drinking all afternoon but I don't know this as fact. There is a bar in the viewing area for the activity we did.

He drove us back to our self catering cottage and became fixated with the bbq. He put loads of big logs on it and lit a massive fire and asked everyone to have a look. OK I thought, DCS are happily eating their pizza. I bathed them, did teeth and stories etc and put them to bed. All happy.
I will say now that DH did the lions share of childcare today as I had a headache, I felt better later on and did the activity with them. Did bedtime etc.
After they were in bed he was still watching the fire and asked me to come and look. I sat with him for a bit next to it. He kept commenting it's amazing etc. No problem there.
It got to 10.30 pm and I'd been watching Netflix on the laptop in the lounge. He'd been out watching the fire for 3 hours. I noticed there were flames on the forest floor and commented be careful. He ignored me. I was concerned as it's a forest type resort. He just watched it burn. There were massive logs on top of the bbq
He didn't use it to cook just kept burning big logs from around us. I poured a jug of water and put it next to the bbq as a precaution. He was acting very drunk.
He ignored it, I said be careful, then I went and poured water on the ground to put it out, not on the bbq just on the flames on the ground as he wouldn't listen. Loads of leaves around etc. He pushed me away quite aggressively. I'm not hurt but it wasn't nice. I locked the back door as it scared me but then felt bad and unlocked it.

At home he drinks too much regularly. I've brought it up so many times. We've been together 15 years. I'm worried about him. Tonight after he pushed me I called him an alcoholic
I believe this is true. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery. DH has been drinking heavily for 20 years.
I've locked my door tonight (sleeping in extra room). I think he was drunk when he drove us earlier. He put washing up liquid in the dishwasher and it's leaking bubbles everywhere. Strange behaviour.

Not sure what I want from replies but this has been a weird evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 12:04

He gets through a lot of chewing gum at home. He buys a range of things eg red, white wine, different brands of beer, I think to confuse himself do he doesn't know how much he is having iyswim. New booze arrives in the house almost daily. I would hazard a guess at 40-50 units per week.

Today he has been very quiet. I asked him to talk to me and I said I think you have a problem. He agreed. I said I was very upset about the driving and the effect on the children, it's too much and every single day. I said this is not an ultimatum now but it could quickly become one. You need to stop and stop today. He said ok and agreed with everything. He apologised for messing up. I said let's do this together, I will get rid of the booze in the cabin. He agreed and I have just put it outside another cabin's front door (out of sight) as an anonymous gift.
He is very ashamed and sad. He is lying in bed and won't eat lunch. I'm taking the DCS out in a bit to the pool. Bought some juice and lemonade to drink this evening.

No arguments, no crying, we have a plan which is stopping today. I'm disappointed it's happened here but at least he doesn't need to worry about work for a few days. I won't be leaving the DCS alone with him at the moment.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 27/08/2018 12:07

Well done op.
Flowers

happypoobum · 27/08/2018 12:28

I do feel for you OP, but this is not going to be a simple or easy ride.

I suspect he will be off to the shops and getting his fix as soon as you take the DCs to the swimming pool Sad

Take it easy, but do encourage him to contact GP and AA when he gets back home. Flowers

Cloglover · 27/08/2018 12:31

Can't really add much but Flowers to you. It's awful when things come to a head when you're not in your own environment which is an added complication.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/08/2018 12:41

Getting through a lot of chewing gum isn't, of itself, a sign of anything. However in conjunction with concerns about secret (or minimised) drinking it's a massive red flag. Nearly all drunks do it, or at least the ones who still have people they need to fool.

I wouldn't expect this to be the beginning and end of the issue. If he's dependent on alcohol he'll be off to stock up as soon as you leave the cabin. He won't see it as wrong, he'll see it as looking out for himself. He knows he can't function without it.

When you get home you will need to talk about how he's going to deal with his drinking. It's so all encompassing that unless you replace it with something else you're bound to start drinking again.

I did it through AA. I was lucky: I got 6 weeks in rehab, which gave me a solid grounding in the 12 steps of AA, and then went out ready to start going to meetings. Best thing I ever did.

pudcat · 27/08/2018 12:59

The drink driving limit in Europe is much lower than here, so one small beer would take him over the limit in most countries. The Blood Alcohol Levels
Below are some of the blood alcohol limits taken from European Commission information:
0.8 - United Kingdom, Malta
0.5 - Austria, Belgium, Denmark, France, Germany, Greece, Rep. of Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Luxembourg, Netherlands, Portugal, Slovenia, Spain, Croatia
0.4 - Lithuania
0.22 - Cyprus, Finland
0.2 - Estonia, Poland, Sweden
0 - Slovakia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Romania
What it Means
0.5mg is equivalent to one small beer, so nowhere in Europe is there much tolerance for drinking.

redshoeblueshoe · 27/08/2018 13:05

Good update OP

NamasteNamaste · 27/08/2018 13:40

I hope he means it op and not just feeling hungover.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/08/2018 15:30

It’s not enough to just say he’ll stop - he needs support, community, nutritional help (I think B vits help - have a research) and something else to do when he feels the craving. There are podcasts that discuss sobriety so have a google - some are directed at men. He needs to have something to do/fall back on when he needs a drink. You could help him outline an approach which acknowledges how hard this will be for him. Good luck.

Nikephorus · 27/08/2018 15:43

You said at the start that depression has been mentioned. With that & not being able to do his sport, with the social interaction that it involves, it sounds like it's making him need a drink (lots of them) to cope. Addressing the drinking on its own isn't going to be enough. You need to be addressing the depression together or he'll still need to drink. But at least he's recognising that he has a drink problem. That's half the battle.

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 16:15

He came with us to the swimming pool and watched with a soft drink. No opportunity to buy booze as we were all together. Now we are back in the cabin he's got a snack and we're putting a film on for the DCS.

I agree he needs to find a displacement activity. Hoping he will join the health club i go to as swimming is fine with hus injury. I'm going sober too. Lemonade tonight.

We will have to see what happens when we get home.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 20:28

Evening update: we had family time playing games, he put children to bed, we had dinner together then he went to bed early, sober.

Pretty good result considering how panicky I was last night.

OP posts:
Pinkcadillac · 27/08/2018 20:31

Sounds good OP. I hope he does what he needs to do and it all works out

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/08/2018 20:37

I'm a nervous driver...not as nervous as I'd be as a passenger with a drunk behind the wheel and my kids in the back. Please whatever you do, make sure he doesn't drive you back when he's had anything to drink or still might be over the limit from the night before

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/08/2018 20:39

Sorry hadn't seen your update. Well done for talking to him about it - sounds like it's out in the open and he is addressing it

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 21:00

He has been very quiet about it but told me he has let me down, is ashamed and wants to stop. He let me get rid of all his beers in the cabin by giving them away which I think is a strong start.

He admitted that when driving at 7pm he had had a half pint of beer at 1pm, 2 glasses of wine (not sure how big) and a pint of beer in the bar viewing our activity between 5.15 and 7pm. Clearly he was way over the limit. He has scared himself and I'm thankful nobody was hurt. When I got in the car I thought he had a half pint at 1pm and a half pint at 6.45pm . The extra 2 glasses of wine are shocking. He is very embarrassed, disappointed in himself and remorseful.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 27/08/2018 21:22

He drinks a 4pack beer while in charge of the children on park visits, drives drunk & doesn't notice a fires spread. He's a danger to you & your children. It's end of the road time. Is the house joint owned? I'd ask him to stay with friends/family/elsewhere until he's made a GP appt to access help & go with him to make sure he doesn't lie about it. Would his family be supportive also re you/him if you share this with thwm?

Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 21:26

I have told my dad today and he's been very supportive. I want DH to go to AA meetings when we get home and said this today
He has been to the GP before about drinking after I confronted him. Blood tests showed no liver damage but he needs to go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 21:27

His dad is an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 20 years or so. He can't ever touch a drink again.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhatshappening · 27/08/2018 21:28

I'm watching Adrian Chiles on bbc at the moment. DH is in the same category as him.

OP posts:
Theimpossiblegirl · 27/08/2018 23:07

It doesn't have to be the end of the road. There is no reason why you can't work through this, he has a problem but the first steps are being taken. It's not going to be an easy journey, but plenty of people make it.
Good luck to you both, keep posting (maybe on relationships).

MorseandLewis · 28/08/2018 05:10

Aside from anything else you need to step up and drive. Nothing worse than being away in great places with a non driver when you can’t try the local wine etc. Alternate driving and make it clear that the driver doesn’t drink on that day, see his that goes.

Wallywobbles · 28/08/2018 05:37

The fire watching and driving sound like my ex. He's never admit lot or get help though. So your DH sounds way better. Don't let it drop, be prepared to do to your ultimatum.

My ex has lost his kids from being such an angry drunk.

newdaylight · 28/08/2018 05:49

Just checking, is trying to simply stop completely and suddenly a good idea? Depending on the nature of his dependency it might be dangerous for health.

Goth237 · 28/08/2018 13:00

If he drinks and then drives your children around, it is them you are failing. I can't believe, if that's what I'm reading, that you allow that to happen. How can you let him have a 4 pack of beer and then drive your children to/from the playground? He is an alcoholic and I feel sorry for your children having to be around a father who does that. They will grow up with a very unhealthy view on alcohol. The fact that he pushed you is a bad sign. He is not someone you should be around but he is also DEFINITELY not someone your poor children should be subjected to...

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