worried about DH

[notsurewhatshappening]

I have name changed as this is sensitive.

DH and I are staying in a forest resort with our 2 DC. I took them to an activity this afternoon. DH watched from the cafe. We all had a great time.

We agreed to get a takeaway for the DCS (fresh pizza) as they finished just before 7pm. It took a while and DD remarked whilst checking on progress in the cafe that Daddy was OK because he had a beer. Fair enough. On the way back he swerved another car and I shouted 'drive on the right!' We are in Europe... I think he might have been over the limit. I definitely saw him have one beer at lunchtime plus he had at least one at the activity centre, now this is projection but at home when he takes DCS out to the park he often buys a 4 pack of beers so I think he may have been drinking all afternoon but I don't know this as fact. There is a bar in the viewing area for the activity we did.

He drove us back to our self catering cottage and became fixated with the bbq. He put loads of big logs on it and lit a massive fire and asked everyone to have a look. OK I thought, DCS are happily eating their pizza. I bathed them, did teeth and stories etc and put them to bed. All happy.
I will say now that DH did the lions share of childcare today as I had a headache, I felt better later on and did the activity with them. Did bedtime etc.
After they were in bed he was still watching the fire and asked me to come and look. I sat with him for a bit next to it. He kept commenting it's amazing etc. No problem there.
It got to 10.30 pm and I'd been watching Netflix on the laptop in the lounge. He'd been out watching the fire for 3 hours. I noticed there were flames on the forest floor and commented be careful. He ignored me. I was concerned as it's a forest type resort. He just watched it burn. There were massive logs on top of the bbq
He didn't use it to cook just kept burning big logs from around us. I poured a jug of water and put it next to the bbq as a precaution. He was acting very drunk.
He ignored it, I said be careful, then I went and poured water on the ground to put it out, not on the bbq just on the flames on the ground as he wouldn't listen. Loads of leaves around etc. He pushed me away quite aggressively. I'm not hurt but it wasn't nice. I locked the back door as it scared me but then felt bad and unlocked it.

At home he drinks too much regularly. I've brought it up so many times. We've been together 15 years. I'm worried about him. Tonight after he pushed me I called him an alcoholic
I believe this is true. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery. DH has been drinking heavily for 20 years.
I've locked my door tonight (sleeping in extra room). I think he was drunk when he drove us earlier. He put washing up liquid in the dishwasher and it's leaking bubbles everywhere. Strange behaviour.

Not sure what I want from replies but this has been a weird evening.

I just wanted to say, you clearly know there is a serious situation here and are starting to look at what can be done but please remember...you are not responsible for his drinking, he is. He is the one making the decision to put alcohol in his mouth. You can take steps to protect your family of course but ultimately there is no blame to be put on you for the fact that he has a drink problem.

I believe you didn't know he was drunk when you got in the car.
My DF once gave me and then toddler DD a lift.
Everything was fine - until he realised he was about to miss the motorway turn off, and he swerved across the motorway. I immediately realised he was drunk, as otherwise he would have carried on to the next junction.
As soon as I got home I rang mum and said he must not drive.
She started going to Al-anon.
Like many people she went to a different town for it. On unreliable public transport.
She then realised she was not alone.
It took a long time, but he did rehab, (more than once)
When he realised why rehab wasn't working for him he found one that would meet his specific needs, and then he never drank again.
I would also suggest you report your post and get it moved out of AIBU, as it can be very harsh.

The children adore their daddy and I feel scared of breaking up our family

This was also my situation ... but it is not you breaking up the family, it’s your DH and his problem which is doing the breaking.
Your job is to protect your children from living with alcohol abuse and its dangers both physical and emotional.

OK so I slept terribly - got a couple of hours in. I'm not sure what happens next. I need to confront the driving as a priority I think.

Is anyone reading this morning? I could do with a hand hold. Thanks

The driving is something you know is an issue so a good place to start. Would he consider a zero tolerance for that?

I'm up and reading. Here with a handhold if you need one op.

I'm here OP. As the child of an alcoholic I can tell you your children will suffer immeasurably if you remain with him and he doesn't address his addiction.

You can drive home, you will make yourself for the sake of the children. You cannot trust him to do it. Big girl pants time OP.

If DP can manage the driving whilst drunk, you can manage it sober.

I agree with the PPs who have said it is not normal to take a four pack to the park, and that definitely warrants a discussion with him.

However, the strange behaviour with the fire sounds similar to the way my df behaves when he is going hypo ( he is diabetic) . He gets a strange grin on his face, and does random things. My mum and I have become adept at spotting it.

Your DHs drinking is a concern, but there may be other reasons for his behaviour.

He is alcoholic.
Unless HE wants to sober up, you won't have any success. Find your nearest Al Anon meeting and go to it. Get childcare if you need it.

Yes I’m here! From someone who has experience personally yes it sounds a bit suspect. He was clearly getting drunker as the day went on which means somewhere along the line he drank in isolation. Red flags there OP.

My advice? This morning I wouldn’t bring it up. He’s likely to be feeling rough and very defensive. Are you driving anywhere today? This obviously is a huge concern though. Can you drive the car?

Has he hidden any of the empties around? See what today brings, keep vigilant and bring it up later today. Not if he’s too drunk but you’ll the right time. Ask him if he’s ok, you’ve noticed an increase in his drinking and now it’s effecting the family. He’s driving whilst under the influence and getting aggressive and you won’t tolerate that.

Don’t accuse, just tread carefully and he’s more likely to open up.

Hope that helps x

This is a horrible situation, I’m sorry you find yourself in it.

My brother used to drive his step children drunk all the time. Once, he totalled his car and made out he couldn’t figure out what happened blah blah blah, the answer was he was drunk. Fortunately the kids weren’t in the car that time - imagine if they had been. He wasn’t going to stop drinking until he hit rock bottom, and that point was quite a long time after the kids mother left them (I told her to incidentally and helped her - the welfare of those children was the most important thing).

If you think the drink is the problem, you cannot trust him when he says he hasn’t drunk. You cannot trust him when he says he is sober and can drive. You don’t need to address anything else yet, aside from getting you and your kids home safely at the end of the week.

You come across as if you have the view that YOU need to do something to help him - you cannot help him unless he wants to help himself. You can enable him (as you probably are now) but you cannot make him change. Once alcoholism has set in, the mind changes and it’s not the same as dealing with a reasonable, normal human being. It’s well documented how it changes the brain physically.

Regarding taking a four pack to the park with the kids - someone I know was arrested for doing exactly the same thing - another parent noticed they smelled of alcohol, called the police and they were arrested for child neglect. Their children were also removed from their care temporarily.

Another thing - don’t let it become all about you - just because you also consume alcohol, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a problem, but I will bet you money he will say this when you confront him. And remember, it isn’t you who would potentially splitting up your family, it is him.

You're exhausted.

Take today to think about what you want.

Perhaps try to have a conversation with your dh about his drinking later this morning. Maybe suggest you both do "no booze until the kids are in bed" or something for the rest of the holiday. I wouldn't demand total sobriety from him at this stage because (IME) he will panic and probably end up on a massive daily binge.

Get through the holiday, watch him like a hawk and get home. Address his drinking when you're both back home.

Please do what's best for you and the children, my dad was an alcoholic and I still remember the amount of times I was worried in the car or even in his car because he was drunk

Hope you are ok

Sending a handhold.

If driving needs to be done today then the children will be safer with you driving even if nervous than a hungover dad. Could you possibly have a local chillout day as you've not had much sleep either. Activities in the woods? Something on site? Do you think DH will have any recollection of pushing you and getting aggressive? I'll bet he does, the alocholics best excuse though is not remembering.

Oh I feel for you, smiley face on for the kids and get through the day - un mumsnetty hugs x

Having separated from my alcoholic husband I would say that the evening 'walk' is definitely an excuse to drink.

@TotHappy

We have been separated for 2 months - although I worried at the start the house is a much happier house and tbh my children seem completely fine. They pick up on the tension. I was constantly stressed and he got grumpy at any perceived injustice to himself.

Do you think he would even make the effort to see them? My stbxh only works part time and frankly he is not really making much effort to see them. When he does it's a couple of hours mainly. If he comes round home the oldest particularly Just does her own thing and ignores him mostly.

I would definitely seek out professional advice and read up on alcoholism.

I had a LTR with a functioning alcoholic. That all sounds very familiar. He couldn’t do a single activity without booze (no, it’s not normal to have a beer at the leisure centre after swimming former Mr. ReggieKray. I don’t care if they have a bar). He also routinely lied about his drinking and hid alcohol.

My only advice is to leave because my life changed for the better immeasurably once I left.

OP I am going to go against the grain here & say don't mention it while you are on holiday. It's likely he will get very defensive & accuse you of trying to ruin his 'fun'.

But keep a very watchful eye on things. And resolve to tackle the issue when you are back home, and both sober & not tired.

Obviously don't let him drive if you think he's over the limit. Don't be afraid of driving yourself, I'm a really nervous driver too but had to take over once when we were on holiday & was fine. You can and will be fine.

I think he may be having some sort of slow burn breakdown of which the alcohol is a symptom. That behaviour around the fire sounds v.weird and not necessarily alcohol typical. Maybe approach it from that angle, asking him how he is feeling, is there anything on his mind etc etc rather than just focusing in on the alcohol which will probably get his back up.

Thank you for thoughts this morning. The children are none the wiser luckily. They slept through it all. I've got up with them and made breakfast, had a coffee and tidied up the kitchen, chatted to them. DH is in bed and I'm not going to seek him out.

There's no need to drive anywhere today. Weather is wet but we can chill in the cabin and play games. I'll take the DCs down to the shop on site soon to get a few bits of shopping. We can do activities here.

I'm just going to see how it unfolds today and not make a drama. Thanks for the advice.

Have a good think about his drinking, how much and when he drinks. Look it in the eye. These evening walks - does he drink or does he not? You must know, you will be able to smell it if you haven't been drinking yourself. When else does he drink and how much? How much alcohol gets bought for the household? Does he ever have a day when he doesn't drink?

Have a lovely day OP, sounds like you have the right idea - but it's bloody hardwork I know

One thing I will say - when you are on your own with the children feeling like you are forcing yourself to have a good time without DH, you ARE having a good time without DH and his added stress, so it can be done - if that makes sense!

You don't need to make a sudden decision, well apart from making sure you don't get into the car if he's been drinking.

I think George's advice is good. If you think it through carefully - and with eyes newly opened - you'll probably be able to work out when your DH drinks secretly. The long walks sound likely. Once you're home you can check them out by a "spontaneous" smooch the minute he arrives home from one of these walks. Do this frequently. If theres no smell of alcohol/breath mints/, mouthwash and he's not drinking secretly things are not as bad as you fear.