worried about DH

[notsurewhatshappening]

I have name changed as this is sensitive.

DH and I are staying in a forest resort with our 2 DC. I took them to an activity this afternoon. DH watched from the cafe. We all had a great time.

We agreed to get a takeaway for the DCS (fresh pizza) as they finished just before 7pm. It took a while and DD remarked whilst checking on progress in the cafe that Daddy was OK because he had a beer. Fair enough. On the way back he swerved another car and I shouted 'drive on the right!' We are in Europe... I think he might have been over the limit. I definitely saw him have one beer at lunchtime plus he had at least one at the activity centre, now this is projection but at home when he takes DCS out to the park he often buys a 4 pack of beers so I think he may have been drinking all afternoon but I don't know this as fact. There is a bar in the viewing area for the activity we did.

He drove us back to our self catering cottage and became fixated with the bbq. He put loads of big logs on it and lit a massive fire and asked everyone to have a look. OK I thought, DCS are happily eating their pizza. I bathed them, did teeth and stories etc and put them to bed. All happy.
I will say now that DH did the lions share of childcare today as I had a headache, I felt better later on and did the activity with them. Did bedtime etc.
After they were in bed he was still watching the fire and asked me to come and look. I sat with him for a bit next to it. He kept commenting it's amazing etc. No problem there.
It got to 10.30 pm and I'd been watching Netflix on the laptop in the lounge. He'd been out watching the fire for 3 hours. I noticed there were flames on the forest floor and commented be careful. He ignored me. I was concerned as it's a forest type resort. He just watched it burn. There were massive logs on top of the bbq
He didn't use it to cook just kept burning big logs from around us. I poured a jug of water and put it next to the bbq as a precaution. He was acting very drunk.
He ignored it, I said be careful, then I went and poured water on the ground to put it out, not on the bbq just on the flames on the ground as he wouldn't listen. Loads of leaves around etc. He pushed me away quite aggressively. I'm not hurt but it wasn't nice. I locked the back door as it scared me but then felt bad and unlocked it.

At home he drinks too much regularly. I've brought it up so many times. We've been together 15 years. I'm worried about him. Tonight after he pushed me I called him an alcoholic
I believe this is true. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery. DH has been drinking heavily for 20 years.
I've locked my door tonight (sleeping in extra room). I think he was drunk when he drove us earlier. He put washing up liquid in the dishwasher and it's leaking bubbles everywhere. Strange behaviour.

Not sure what I want from replies but this has been a weird evening.

Please read my posts properly

At home he sometimes walks the children to the park on a Saturday afternoon and DD7 has occasionally commented that Daddy had a pack of beers. He doesn't drink drive at home.

When he drove after drinking the other day I thought he'd had a half pint of beer at 1pm and another half pint at 6.4pm. It was only after he swerved the car then began behaving strangely in the cabin that I realised he had had more.

I did not allow my children to get into the car with a man who had drunk half a pint of beer, 2 glasses of wine and another pint of beer between 1pm and 7pm. I want aware he'd had it. He told me that this was the amount later on.

FGS Goth the OP said that she didn’t know how much her DH had had until later. Also it’s people like you who make being the spouse of an alcoholic harder. We shouldn’t have to police another adult’s alcohol intake

notsurewhatshappening here have these for both the situation and the fact that some people can’t or won’t read

Day 2 and he has just gone to bed still sober (local time is 10. 30pm). He had a relaxing bath this evening then played games on the laptop instead of sitting watching TV to distract himself from wanting a drink. I 100% know he's not had a drink in 2 days as I've been with him the whole time. Obviously when we get back from holiday I can't say what he'll be doing 24/7. In the spring he managed 6 weeks sober then slipped back into a few beers at the weekend then most days then every day. I'm encouraging him to keep it up and he seems OK just tired which is normal I think.

Good stuff OP. It sounds as if he genuinely wants to change his behaviour, which is an enormous leap forward for you both.

The path ahead won't be easy, but taking the first steps always the hardest.

"I would not get into a car with my children with a drunk driver." You would - you did! You knew he'd had at least 2 drinks.

Frankly even though you're basing it on England's limits he would more than likely be over the limit based only on what you THOUGHT he'd drank and to be honest it's highly likely (and you knew this if you were honest with yourself) he had a fair bit more! As soon as he swerved you should have taken over driving REGARDLESS of your lack of confidence.

Personally I think everywhere should be zero limit as it is in Scotland.

If you're in Europe the limit is usually lower than England anyway so at the very least he's breaking the law and risking whatever the sentencing is for it. But at worst he could have killed you AND the DC AND other road users - how would you have felt then?

From what you describe it's also entirely possible he was also stoned!

Quit minimising and excusing and deal with this properly. He's not safe to drive you're going to have to and when you get home you have some tough decisions to make but tbh one is he needs to give you a damn good reason to stay!

You absolutely cannot trust him to drive.

"He doesn't drink drive at home." Sorry but stop being so wilfully naive! He wouldn't even have considered it in another country if he didn't do it regularly at home.

Honestly, as the child/niece/grandchild of alcoholics unless he addresses it properly via nhs or aa or private therapy nothing will really change. There's such a thing as a dry drunk too. The DC will pick up on his aggressive moods, the tension between the 2 of you... Don't kid yourself.

Threre is no way he could be stoned unless he is trafficking drugs.

I thought he had half pint of beer at 1pm and half pint at 6.45 pm then got in the car at 7pm. So would not be over the limit.

I'm glad some of you think his progress is encouraging
He drove yesterday and was completely sober.

I'm glad some of you think his progress is encouraging

I think it's encouraging also. It just bears watching. It sounds like he understands on some level that he doesn't have a normal or healthy relationship with alcohol.

For me it was much easier to stop drinking completely than it was to be a controlled drinker. That may be true for him as well.

@FASH84 nailed it

I grew up with an alcoholic mother (she admits to this). 40-50 units a week and booze arriving daily sounds awful and worse than my mum. Also the beers at the park on his own is shocking she would never even have done that. I would never live like that with my child and my husband. Everything he’s said sounds standard response - the alcoholic’s script if you like. I’m sure part of it might even be true but ultimately its about mollifying the person they’ve annoyed, manipulating and making you feel sorry for them. You do feel sorry for them, you convince yourself they’re genuine, you feel you need to help and bend over backwards knackering yourself to do so. You become grateful for small crumbs of normality - didn’t drink today whilst caring for your small children today what a fucking result must praise them for that. They fail you. You get angry. They get upset and apologetic, you feel guilty. Repeat. Over and over. I don’t know you but from my experience and what you have said, I think his consumption and behaviour sounds really serious and you need to be very alert to and uncompromising about this for your children’s sake as this is obvious and damaging from a young age. Your kid mentioned the drinking at park and cafe to you. She sees it happening, she knows it’s not what other parents are doing, she maybe already feels embarrassed/ashamed about it, thinks why is he not just happy playing with us, are we not fun etc? Oh and one day or a couple of days not drinking is nothing, if I could count the number of times my mum was sorry and was never drinking again and went good few happy weeks without booze then back to business...

Keep a close eye OP. Not to worry you but 50-60 units a week to zero overnight may be a recipe for DTs.

Look out for tremors, confusion, etc

I’m just concerned you may be a long way from home/medical aid. 72 hours post stopping is the worst time. If he has symptoms you need to get him to a doctor.

How are you all getting on OP?