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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 27/08/2018 06:47

Really should preview my posts Blush

OP posts:
Bringonspring · 27/08/2018 06:53

I think you should offer her the money

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2018 06:55

Yes I think the money is a red herring you made a decision on something that was in effect at least half hers without consulting her. Denying her input and I assume that knocked her back.

Imagine from her perspective you have come back from holiday driving from the airport and feeling exhausted and suddenly your son says you know that car you bought for me to drive you in. We sold it for a camper van

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2018 06:57

And op you saying I would not miss out on this particular van is interesting it means the thought was there way before she went away

You say the relationship is rock solid the problem is for her that notion has been tested and potentially shown not to be true

stayathomer · 27/08/2018 07:09

I don’t think I’d be impressed to buy one of my DC a car in these circumstances and have them sell it. If you no longer wanted the expense of a second car you should have given it back. You’ve said your DH used it for commuting in wet weather so he has benefitted from it - it was not just there to transport her.

Yes I'd think this too. You said you didn't need/want a car then let her buy you one and then used it. Plus you using the money is a bit cheeky, you're making money out of her helping you out.

stayathomer · 27/08/2018 07:11

And all the people saying but it's a gift-you shouldn't make money from the sale of a gift surely?

RhiWrites · 27/08/2018 07:11

OP, I think maybe you do owe her.

She bought the car expecting perhaps 10 years of the use of it, you sold it after two.

No wonder she felt shocked, hurt and taken advantage of. I get that the running cost outweighed the capital cost and you also felt taken advantage of but that’s a reason to talk about it, explain the difficulty.

Obviously she won’t want to go on little day trips in a camper van, I think most people wouldn’t. And commuting in one sounds equally strange.

She thinks she bought you a gift and you sold it. And she’s not wrong.

deepsea · 27/08/2018 07:14

I would have asked dh to tell you were planning to sell the car and talk to her in advance about whether she would expect to be paid back.

Too late for that now, yes I would absolutely offer to give her back the money. It is simply not worth years of elephant in the room moments, and the bad reputation that you somehow fleeced your MIL. Hopefully she will decline. Technically it is yours to sell, but it is blurred by the fact you have profited from her gift in some way

deepsea · 27/08/2018 07:17

I also would not dismiss the fact she is worried about your dh cycling either. I worry about my db every day cycling in the city in all weathers.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 27/08/2018 07:18

Quartz. We’ve been thinking of and talking about buying a van for 4 years so yes. Honestly tho’ we went from “dreaming” to buying it in a week when I saw this particular camper for sale on line. Mil was on holiday ( for nearly a month). I’m not justifying my actions but I really did think I had made it clear why we didn’t discuss selling the car before buying the camper. But we did tell Mil 3 weeks before we sold the car that it had to go. Can’t really see how we could have done that bit differently to be honest.

OP posts:
Suresurelah · 27/08/2018 07:26

It was a gift and you’ve ended up spending quite a lot of your own money on it.

Look at this way, if she had respected your choice to begin with then all of you would have saved. You £1000 and your MIL the £400 she used to buy it.

She will have to learn that her own DH will now run errands for her and that your DH will do this when he can.

Twillow · 27/08/2018 07:30

On face value she's NBU but if you can find a way to say it - something like
"This is a hard one MIL, so I'd like to hear your opinion. We sold the car you bought us for £400. The reason we didn't want to have 2 cars was so we could save up for x. That's taken longer than we hoped as over the last 2 years we have been paying tax, insurance, repairs etc which cost around x. On one hand I'd love to pay you back for the car but on the other hand that car has given you a lot of pleasure and cost us a lot more than £400. What are your thoughts?"

NadiaLeon · 27/08/2018 07:31

OP writes
I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

It's none of your business what they think. If you really do care, email the wider family explain the situation.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 27/08/2018 07:39

She’s been in the camper , she liked it. Lots of people use them as second vehicles and are proud to do so . DHs work car park is full of them. It’s a particular type of camper van. Maybe it’s a bloke thing but I don’t mind as my hard grafting DH has finally got something he’s always wanted. We are not well off. We are lucky to have this. Our friends are made up for us as they know how long he’s been banging on about getting one so now he can stop boring them 😂.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 27/08/2018 07:42

Twillow. Thanks. Good advice. If it comes to a head that’s exactly what I would like to say. But i have a funny feeling we will just end up giving her the money.

OP posts:
alreadytaken · 27/08/2018 07:54

if I was the mother I'd feel a bit put out to discover on my way back from holiday that the car had been sold. It was a gift, you obviously didnt value my gift because you've sold it. I'd get over it when I thought about it.

I think you should have said we cant afford to keep it now so we sold it, would you like the money we got for it. MIL than says no, it was a gift and everyone is happy. Or MIL says yes and then you can feel put out instead.

alreadytaken · 27/08/2018 07:55

and in bad taste to discuss how much the gift cost you!

Cockapoomummy · 27/08/2018 07:57

I would have offered her the money back and as a parent if it was offered I wouldn’t have taken it. And I don’t really understand why you didn’t do this.

Faultymain5 · 27/08/2018 08:05

Well I've bothered to read the full thread.
Someone upthread gave the definition of a gift. I have nothing left to add. Other than, you owe her nothing.

OliviaStabler · 27/08/2018 08:26

But we did tell Mil 3 weeks before we sold the car that it had to go.

And there is the crux of the issue. The word 'tell'. Not 'ask' but 'tell'. You put a chain of events into motion without talking to her about it and its no wonder there is an elephant in the room.

I'd offer her the money and apologise for not talking to her about it before you bought the van knowing it would force the selling of the car.

icelollycraving · 27/08/2018 08:27

I absolutely would pay her back.
If you had said sorry mil, we can’t afford the upkeep

Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/08/2018 08:33

Depends.

Did she give the car to DH or loan it to him?

icelollycraving · 27/08/2018 08:37

Sorry posted to soon.
If you’d said you couldn’t afford it and we’re struggling, that would be one thing.
To get rid and essentially put the money towards a ‘project’ is cheeky imho.

NeeChee · 27/08/2018 08:46

I'm in a similar situation, I was gifted a car from my parents. I've since bought another and am aiming to sell the old one to go towards the new car. I tried to offer them money when they gave me the car, but they refused. TBH it's not worth anything anyway, I'll probably end up scrapping it when it gives up the ghost (which is suspect will be soon sadly). Its been a good little runaround but it now needs repairs and I can't justify spending money on it, really.

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2018 08:51

You told her it had to go

OP it’s not about the money at all I don’t think but summed up in that post

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