Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housing uncertainty

104 replies

Wiredup · 25/08/2018 12:33

Me and my OH have been together 3 years, both early 20s and have been discussing our future together.

He has recently bought a new house and is moving in this week. His parents have given him quite a large sum of money towards the deposit.

I haven’t discussed it with him, but am reluctant to move in with him. He officially asked me last night!

The way I see it is that his parents will always have a share in that house/ a hold over it.

I haven’t viewed the house or had any input in it, which is fine; it’s not my house.
I just feel like if I were to move somewhere with him I would like it to be a joint decision. I would have liked to live somewhere that physically suited both of us, location wise.

I feel that if we are moving in together, it should be a house that we chose as a couple.

I know he can maybe sell the house and move if we get married etc. It’s just what to do in the short term. To be honest I don’t know if he’ll ever want to live anywhere apart from his home village, and then where will we be. Advice please...

OP posts:
Bambamber · 25/08/2018 12:36

I would move in if I had enough of my own savings to be able to rent a different home if you needed to move out for whatever reason

Llanali · 25/08/2018 12:37

Is it legally his house? If so, they won’t have a hold over it, will they?

Do you want to live with him?
If yes, does that house work for you location/commute wise etc.

If the answer to both those is yes, then move in with him! Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face.....

If the first answer is no, then split up. If it’s “not yet”, then stay as you are.

Mercurial123 · 25/08/2018 12:38

I would move in and make sure you have savings in case you split up and have to find alternative accommodation.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 25/08/2018 12:39

I would move in, but just always bear in mind that you don't have any rights to the property, and make sure you maintain your own savings. Don't pay for any renovations or anything like that, either!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/08/2018 12:39

It’s very odd that you’ve been in a relationship all this time and you’s did not discuss this process together

glintandglide · 25/08/2018 12:40

I wouldnt want to do this. Do you want to move in that quickly? Can you buy a house on your own or is it unaffordable?

FASH84 · 25/08/2018 12:41

I owned a flat before DH and I lived together, we were dating when I bought it, but nowhere near that stage, I bought it to suit my needs at the time. He moved in about eighteen months later, we shared all bills equally including the mortgage and I lived there in total six and a half years, him five years, we eventually sold it and used the equity plus money we had saved jointly to get a much bigger house, we both had a say in, in an area we'd both chosen. He offered to put something in writing legally to protect my deposit and equity from the flat but I chose not to do that, I knew there would be times when I would need his financial support such as my upcoming maternity leave and the initial deposit wasn't huge, I just benefitted from the growth in the housing market in terms of equity. Do his parents have any share in the house or have they just gifted him the money? I don't think it's odd for one partner to move in with another who already owns property, there are lots of legal arrangements that could be made to protect his share of it makes you both fell more comfortable

BackforGood · 25/08/2018 12:48

Agree with the others.
If this is an initial "lets have a go at living with each other" then you've nothing to lose by moving in to his home - it isn't like you are giving up your home to live there etc. Longer term - you can choose a home together. If he's just completed on this house, then it would be ridiculous to expect him to sell it. Complete waste of money and stress.
This presumes that the house is somewhere that works for you in terms of getting to work, etc

HilaryBriss · 25/08/2018 12:49

I also find it a bit odd that your BF of 3 years has bought a house and you haven't even seen it. Isn't 3 years about the time that most people would start liking to buy one together?

Even if you had discussed it and agreed that he would buy on his own, I still find it strange that you haven't seen it. Wouldn't you want to take an interest in something your BF was buying?

3tothreee333 · 25/08/2018 14:05

Be careful ! As a girlfriend you were not good enough to invite to look at the house before he purchased it or have discussions with ! Secondly, does he only want you to move in to pay half the bills (how convenient for him). If you move in DO NOT PAY half the mortgage, he bought the house, so that is his responsibility. Suggest paying half bills. Don't pay for furniture or improvements. Don't have children without being married. Don't give up work without being married. Do you really want to live with him under these circumstances, he has not included you in his decisions

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/08/2018 14:10

So you're good enough to pay half of the bills but not good enough to be consulted about the house?

That says it all really.

Think long and hard about what it is you really really want from life. If its equality/marriage/home ownership then I don't think this is the one for you, sorry.

3tothreee333 · 25/08/2018 14:10

As people say - look at someone's actions, not the words that they are saying. Does he consider you to be an equal ?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/08/2018 14:12

When you say that you and him have been discussing your future, what was the outcome of that discussion? Did you discuss him buying a place of his choosing on his own and you living in it and paying half the bills? Is that what you discussed?

Lucisky · 25/08/2018 15:02

I too find it odd that you haven't seen the house. Surely he must have been excited about it? - it's a big thing to happen! Has he asked you to see it at all? He must have spoken about it to you? Most couples bounce ideas off each other and share experiences. The fact that he has apparently kept all this to himself doesn't say much for your relationship as far as I'm concerned.

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 15:05

We haven’t discussed paying bills etc yet. The advice I’ve had from others is not to pay towards the mortgage or house improvements. To pay only half the bills.

He was honestly happy renting his current house and wasn’t fussed on moving. His parents have been the driving force behind him getting his own place and he has struggled to say no to them previously.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 25/08/2018 16:05

The fact he didn’t even get you along to viewings is off.
It’s weird, even if his parents are driving this, that he hasn’t asked you to go to any viewings

How old are you? Hav was oh no lakes seriously about your future?

trojanpony · 25/08/2018 16:06

🤦🏻‍♀️
That should read:
Have you spoken seriously about your future?

Confusedbeetle · 25/08/2018 16:12

This really doesnt sound to me as though you are ready for this comittment otherwise you would jump at the chance. These days early 20's is very young. Maybe you need to let your relationship develop more. There is no harm in waiting

Bluelady · 25/08/2018 16:17

He obviously hasn't struggled very hard since he's had to apply for the mortgage and get the legal work done, as well as view and approve the house. Has he actually asked you to move in?

AgentJohnson · 25/08/2018 16:18

Do you envisage his parents having a say in your future? If not, then no I wouldn’t move in with him. Not for the reasons you cited but because as you stated, he can’t say no to his parents.

toomanychilder · 25/08/2018 16:18

The advice I’ve had from others is not to pay towards the mortgage or house improvements. To pay only half the bills

So live for rent free? Why would that be acceptable?

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 16:54

Why would I pay for the half the mortgage when my name is nowhere on it.

All of my friends and family have advised this...:as has the above MN user?

His house! I’ll pay half his bills, whatever they may be, but if we break up I’ll have been paying half the mortgage on his house for nothing in return?

It’s not OUR house. It is his house.

The house also needs a good bit of work done to it. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say I’m not paying for renovations to a place that isn’t mine either.

I

OP posts:
toomanychilder · 25/08/2018 16:56

I wouldn't pay half anyones mortgage. but then neither would I think living rent free in someone else house was some kind of moral high ground.

Yes, its his house. But why would he let you live there for nothing? If you rent, its the landlords house, they don't let you live there for nothing either.

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 17:02

I pay my rent every month. I am also the main contributor financially to the relationship.

I am willing to pay bills, which will be a couple of hundred a month. You are acting as though I’m not contributing in any way.

Sorry, but you’re out of order

OP posts:
Howhot · 25/08/2018 17:03

Why would I pay for the half the mortgage when my name is nowhere on it.

Eh? But this is exactly what you do when you rent a house isn't it? So why is it different that in this case your boyfriend owns the house. You need to pay him rent too. You cant expect to live there rent free, extremely cheeky

Swipe left for the next trending thread