Housing uncertainty

[Wiredup]

Me and my OH have been together 3 years, both early 20s and have been discussing our future together.

He has recently bought a new house and is moving in this week. His parents have given him quite a large sum of money towards the deposit.

I haven’t discussed it with him, but am reluctant to move in with him. He officially asked me last night!

The way I see it is that his parents will always have a share in that house/ a hold over it.

I haven’t viewed the house or had any input in it, which is fine; it’s not my house.
I just feel like if I were to move somewhere with him I would like it to be a joint decision. I would have liked to live somewhere that physically suited both of us, location wise.

I feel that if we are moving in together, it should be a house that we chose as a couple.

I know he can maybe sell the house and move if we get married etc. It’s just what to do in the short term. To be honest I don’t know if he’ll ever want to live anywhere apart from his home village, and then where will we be. Advice please...

I would also not move in with him.

I thought you were going to pay half the bills (ie £150) which I think is fair. But it’s very much on his terms, his choice, his village, his tv package.

In his shoes I’d want your opinion if I was serious about a future.

As an aside, The holiday was generous but is the future I wouldnt do that sort of thing. It’s extremely generous but you should look after your finances.
For context, I spent about £1500 on a holiday my DPs birthday for the 2 of us. That was considered wildly extravagant and I earn well (low 6 figures)

I’m not going to post any more. There’s some nasty people on here.

The only person on here who has been rude, or aggressive, is you OP.

You've completely changed what you've posted about what you would be "willing" to pay, from half the bills, to all/almost all the bills. You've then added in other information which wasn't there earlier.

What is telling, is the fact you've discussed this with everyone you are close to, and garnered their opinions, and yet haven't discussed it with you boyfriend. It says a lot about the relationship you have.

But also, buying a house takes months and months - you start looking, you start thinking about it, you start investigating mortgages, you work out if you can afford it, all the time you keep looking on line, maybe in estate agents windows, you do viewings, you talk about it with those close to you. It is scary and exciting at the same time. Even once you have the offer accepted, it is weeks and weeks before you get to move in. If you are in a relationship with anyone that has been going on for more than a few weeks, it would be the topic of lots of conversations. If you have been going out together for three years, and not, during all the months this has been going on, had any of those conversations with him, then that would seem to indicate he doesn't see this as his 'forever' relationship. Much more a 'person I'm going out with at the moment'.

You are right, this isn't about what amount you pay though I'm not sure why you think any adult should live rent free this is about whether you are partners or not.

I wouldn't pay half anyones mortgage. but then neither would I think living rent free in someone else house was some kind of moral high ground

This.

There is a middle ground.

I think only paying half bills is CF.

I think paying half mortgage or ‘market rent’ is CF the other way.

You find a compromise - you pay less than it costs to rent a room in a shared house or to get your own flat (if that’s what you were doing).

I spent about £1500 on a holiday my DPs birthday for the 2 of us. That was considered wildly extravagant and I earn well (low 6 figures)

Lol only on MN is a £750 pp holiday when you earn over £100k ‘wildly extravagant’