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AIBU?

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Original poster

Housing uncertainty

104 replies

Wiredup · 25/08/2018 12:33

Me and my OH have been together 3 years, both early 20s and have been discussing our future together.

He has recently bought a new house and is moving in this week. His parents have given him quite a large sum of money towards the deposit.

I haven’t discussed it with him, but am reluctant to move in with him. He officially asked me last night!

The way I see it is that his parents will always have a share in that house/ a hold over it.

I haven’t viewed the house or had any input in it, which is fine; it’s not my house.
I just feel like if I were to move somewhere with him I would like it to be a joint decision. I would have liked to live somewhere that physically suited both of us, location wise.

I feel that if we are moving in together, it should be a house that we chose as a couple.

I know he can maybe sell the house and move if we get married etc. It’s just what to do in the short term. To be honest I don’t know if he’ll ever want to live anywhere apart from his home village, and then where will we be. Advice please...

OP posts:
rjay123 · 25/08/2018 18:33

So decline the invitation. Simples.

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 18:33

I think that’s probably good advice. Thanks @MrsTerryPratchett

OP posts:
jayritchie · 25/08/2018 18:35

I don't get the criticism of the OP. She is looking to pay £300 a month - this would be a normal-ish price for a house share including bills in a lot of parts of the country. She is not hanging for a cheap deal - and quite rightly doesn't want to risk her position should the relationship fail.

Lets say the bf bought a house in not the most convenient location and wanted a friend to move in - I doubt they would look for more rent.

GreenGingerAndRum · 25/08/2018 18:55

I was once in a similar situation, whereby I was asked to buy a house with boyfriend that he wanted. An expensive flat, with a gym room, awful furnishings ( think they were included) previously had one male owner, and it had one parking space which I wouldn’t be allowed to use.
We lived in his flat at the time.
I refused, I wanted a small house with Garden and she’d, and room for two cars. He needed me, as he couldn’t afford the mortgage without my wages.
We didn’t buy, we are no longer together.
I know it’s jot about money, but goodness, don’t ever pay all his bills why he pays his mortgage. I made that mistake, and when we were made redundant, all my money went on keeping us, while he bought loads of electronics.

GreenGingerAndRum · 25/08/2018 18:56

Apologies about the typing mistakes

goodgirls · 25/08/2018 18:57

don't get the criticism of the OP. She is looking to pay £300 a month - this would be a normal-ish price for a house share including bills in a lot of parts of the country. She is not hanging for a cheap deal

But thats the cost of just half the bills. Nobody gets a house share without paying rent AND their share of the bills. 300 a month is nothing.

LeftRightCentre · 25/08/2018 19:08

I am also the main contributor financially to the relationship.

WTAF? Why?

Look, Wired, you are sleepwalking into a trap that's very common in the early 20s, but is no less of a trap.

And that's wasting time with a person with whom you are incompatible.

Do not move in with him under any circumstances. He wants to live in the country in the same little town forever near his family. Nothing wrong with that. You don't. Nothing wrong with that either but never ever compromise who you fundamentally are and what makes you happy in life for a man (or woman).

Just don't. It never works.

He sounds really immature. STOP financing shit for him. Just tell him thanks for the offer but you like living in the city where you are. You don't need to live together to have a relationship.

All the freeloading arguments are completely beside the point.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 25/08/2018 19:11

It sounds, understandably to a certain extent, that you are resentful of him choosing a house, without any input from you, that is much more convenient for him than it is for you. He has asked you to live with him, but on his terms, in his house, in his area, with his friends and family nearby.

My view is that, if this was a step you were both taking towards a long term commitment towards marriage and perhaps a family, then it would have been discussed by both of you and a decision taken by both of you, with compromise as to location. To be honest, it sounds as though you are not certain of the longevity of the relationship, given that this has not been a shared decision.

Popc0rn · 25/08/2018 19:20

To be completely honest OP, after 3 years I would be very hurt if my boyfriend made such a big decision without discussing it with me at all.

I'd be pissed off that he had bought somewhere that suited him and not considered me or involved me at all. I'd be pissed off if he went through viewings, sorting out the mortgage stuff etc and then only asked me to move in a week before he got the keys. I'd be pissed off that he'd asked me all on his terms instead of having a discussion about it before any long term decisions like a 25+ year mortgage had been signed.

I'd probably end the relationship over this. After 3 years I feel like major life decisions should be at least discussed beforehand.

LeftRightCentre · 25/08/2018 19:27

It's all very convenient for him: house near Mum and Dad, low bills and the cherry on top would be the girlfriend to increase his income by paying him to live there and provide sex. Bet he'd expect the lion's share of housework done, too.

Nope. It doesn't suit you. Don't move.

Ariela · 25/08/2018 19:49

Living there is going to add 30 miles a day to your work. So 60 miles a day, I can't imagine it's going to be easy to sepnd a couple of extra hours per day commuting, and you'll perhaps be spending around £12 a day extra commuting.
Do you really want to spend £300+ a month more? And waste so many hours commuting?

Allthewaves · 25/08/2018 20:04

Pay half bills and some rent.

Tartsamazeballs · 25/08/2018 20:04

If you want to move in with him then work out what the price of a single room locally with similar amenities (TV, WiFi, standard of decor etc) would be and pay him that. Don't pay for home improvements and decorating. You'll just be chucking money away because the equity you'll be building won't be yours.

Keep your savings building up so you can get out easily when it goes sour and make sure that couples expenses are split evenly between you- eg both paying the same amount in to a joint account that you use for things like a weekly shop, nights out and holiday savings.

Buying a house without your partner of 3 years having any input is weird, I suspect it will be one of those "the writing was on the wall but I didn't see the signs for another X months" moments. Keep your distance for now.

Oh and live like housemates who cook and fuck together not like little wifey and husband. Start as you mean to go on!

LeftRightCentre · 25/08/2018 20:27

60 miles commuting? No fucking way. This is a no brainer.

If you want to move in with him then work out what the price of a single room locally with similar amenities (TV, WiFi, standard of decor etc) would be and pay him that.

Why would anyone do that? If you rent a single room locally you don't have to share it with anyone.

Bluelady · 25/08/2018 20:32

Nor do you get the run of the house.

LakieLady · 25/08/2018 20:45

I asked for advice as to whether you would move into a house, for however many years, that you had not in any way been consulted over.

I wouldn't, and I would explain that the house wasn't where I wanted to live (and that I didn't want to live in a house that needs renovating - been there, done that, hated it!).

It seems a bit weird that he didn't discuss things with you before he bought it, tbh.

JennyHolzersGhost · 25/08/2018 20:49

Did you tell him how you felt when this whole house buying thing kicked off ? Or have you been sitting quietly doing the passive aggressive thing waiting to be asked your thoughts ? If its the latter then he probably thinks you didn’t want to be involved in the purchase.
Of course if you said to him right at the start, ‘Oh great it’s wonderful your parents want to give you some cash towards a property because I’ve been thinking that it was time we moved in together, what do you reckon ?!’ Then it’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/08/2018 21:21

If you do want to move in, here's what I'd do:

Pay half the bills as already mentioned
Pay half the mortgage amount into an account in your name - and don't touch it for now
Tell him you're doing this and that the savings can be for your joint future

This way, if things become permanent you can use the money for something joint (house, honeymoon, whatever) and if you split you'll have a nice nest egg to use on a place of your own

harshbuttrue1980 · 25/08/2018 21:49

Do people really, honestly, think that someone in their early 20's should be consulting their boy/girlfriend about which house to buy, and making the commitment to jointly own property?? I think its a big mistake to do this so young, and I think your boyfriend has his head screwed on.

Move in with him, pay your share, but keep saving for a place of your own if/when things end. Moving in at your age is more just good fun, trying it out, and best not to entangle yourselves in a permanent commitment when you have so many years ahead of you both to grow and change your ideas. The whole world awaits - possibilities of travel, moving to new areas, trying out different careers, don't give yourself and him a ball and chain of a joint mortgage!

LeftRightCentre · 25/08/2018 21:55

Going to be hard to save when your commuting costs go up sharply because he's chosen to move father out. To a place wehre you don't really want to move, too.

fattyboomboomboom · 25/08/2018 22:04

OP - I think atm your boyfriend is just that, not a potential partner. That may change over the years but his parents are still his significant others rather than you. Continue living your life as you are renting in a place of your choosing that is convenient for your work. How many years are you away from buying your own place? Perhaps saving for a deposit for your own house may mean you will have to go 50/50 on holidays etc

BewareOfDragons · 25/08/2018 22:07

I wouldn't move in with your boyfriend in his home or any home unless you two were making a serious commitment and planning to spend the rest of your lives together. Don't just do it to save money. That's never a good reason, frankly.

Moving in is serious. And moving out is hard. Inertia is a funny thing, and it's hard to end a relationship that isn't going well when you live together.

So decide if you two are in it for the long haul, whether or not you want to get married, and then think about what you want to do.

But I do think you're right. Even if you two decided to get married, you have a problem: you don't want to move into 'his' house in 'his' village where his parents have bought him a house, presumably to keep him close to them. You didn't get a vote, really. And that's not how you would have started your relationship with your future husband/life partner ... and that needs to be discussed.

AgentJohnson · 26/08/2018 08:54

The house itself is a red herring, he's made it very clear that he doesn't want your input on where you live. He's using the house to manipulate you into doing what he wants. He doesn't want to compromise or to be challenged, so he's presented you with a fait accompli. You probably don't realise it but I suspect that this is a pattern of behaviour that isn't or won't be, restricted to buying a house. What's the point of talking about stuff if he'll do whatever he wants and mummy and daddy will throw their financial weight behind him.

Sign up to this unbalanced relationship dynamic at your risk Don't move in! If you do, it will only serve to condone his unilateralism.

Xenia · 26/08/2018 09:00

I think if a young couple think they might marry and are in it for the long haul and one moves in than a rent of say £400 a month might be reasonable for her to pay just for a few years (with a written cohabitation agreement to protect his and his parents' rights/money). Then if they marry and reach agreements about who will work and whether full time when children come etc they can sort out a different arrangement. As her career grows she could consider buying a buy to let property in her own name.

If you are not sure then stay where you are near your work and if the relationship deepends then reconsider.

Tumbleweed101 · 26/08/2018 09:59

Would you be giving up your own place or moving out of your parents home to move in?

If you are still with parents then you have nothing to lose by moving in with him and seeing how things go. As a parent if I were helping one of my young adult children buy a house I likely wouldn’t consider the needs of their partner - not because I didn’t care about that but because i’d be focused on ensuring my child was secure. I’m guessing that’s the angle his have come from too.

I’d say move in, agree finances between you and see how you find the relationship over the next few months. You can always sell and buy together in a few years if that’s what you both decide.