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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housing uncertainty

104 replies

Wiredup · 25/08/2018 12:33

Me and my OH have been together 3 years, both early 20s and have been discussing our future together.

He has recently bought a new house and is moving in this week. His parents have given him quite a large sum of money towards the deposit.

I haven’t discussed it with him, but am reluctant to move in with him. He officially asked me last night!

The way I see it is that his parents will always have a share in that house/ a hold over it.

I haven’t viewed the house or had any input in it, which is fine; it’s not my house.
I just feel like if I were to move somewhere with him I would like it to be a joint decision. I would have liked to live somewhere that physically suited both of us, location wise.

I feel that if we are moving in together, it should be a house that we chose as a couple.

I know he can maybe sell the house and move if we get married etc. It’s just what to do in the short term. To be honest I don’t know if he’ll ever want to live anywhere apart from his home village, and then where will we be. Advice please...

OP posts:
Bluelady · 25/08/2018 17:06

Why would you expect to live rent free? If you're living apart currently, how can you be the main financial contributor?

toomanychilder · 25/08/2018 17:10

I pay my rent every month. I am also the main contributor financially to the relationship. I am willing to pay bills, which will be a couple of hundred a month. You are acting as though I’m not contributing in any way

You pay your own rent every month, of course, and your bills. But if you move in, you would not pay any rent? And that is somehow right and fair?

toomanychilder · 25/08/2018 17:11

If you were buying a house and your boyfriend expected to move in for free and pay nothing but half the bills, every poster would be shouting COCKLODGER. It's not different because he's the dude.

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 17:11

If he wanted to get a house with me, great. That isn’t the case here, he is getting the house for himself and envisages us moving in together in the near future.

It was not a joint decision to get this house. I wasn’t consulted and it is another 30 mile to my place of work. He will hardly offer to pay my additional petrol costs!!!

I will pay a £300 odd a month on the bills and that is more than sufficient. His tv package is £70 alone.

OP posts:
3tothreee333 · 25/08/2018 17:12

Pros - buying is better long term, than renting Cons - if you rented from another land lord you would have a tenancy agreement. If you rent from him, you will probably have no written agreement, which means he can throw you out if you split up. I would stay where you are and visit him and see if the relationship progresses to something more serious. At the moment, if you don't move in, you can both talk about marriage and children and future. You have a bargaining card !

toomanychilder · 25/08/2018 17:13

I will pay a £300 odd a month on the bills and that is more than sufficient. His tv package is £70 alone

but you'd be living rent free! What part of this are you not getting? You'd be swapping sex for rent, essentially.

Shadowboy · 25/08/2018 17:13

You’ve been together 3 years and are not living together? You’ve not even viewed the house? Do you enjoy each other’s company? Do you usually make decisions together?

Bluelady · 25/08/2018 17:15

I can completely see why his parents didn't want you anywhere near this purchase.

wheezing · 25/08/2018 17:17

I don’t think there’s anything that wrong with moving in.
My partner moved into the flat I owned. It suited him fine but wouldn’t have been his first choice of location or type of flat either but it was fine, we wanted to live together and selling would have been stupid when I’d only just bought. Once he moved in I never felt like it was my place but ours.
After having our first child we decided we should move and then chose the next place 50/50.

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 17:17

Oh dear, some people aren’t very bright.

His mortgage is £400 per month, due to the large donation by his parents. If his bills come to £300 a month as HE predicts = £700

Half of 700 (rent + bills) = id be paying £350

What I’m offering to pay is the bills = £300

I’ll be paying basically the same money to him. Hardly living for free

If I pay half the mortgage as well then I’ll be paying more bloody money a month than he is!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 25/08/2018 17:19

But he's put the deposit down. You should be paying half the market rent.

donajimena · 25/08/2018 17:19

I wouldn't pay half the mortgage. People aren't in relationships with their landlords. You get your own room for a start. It would be a good opportunity to put rent equivalent into savings either for a joint place or in the event of a break up to move on.
It wouldn't be fair for that money to be spent on holidays or clothes though.
If he doesn't feel its fair, no biggy. Carry on renting somewhere more convenient.

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 17:21

Also, whoever posted that comment about his parents not wanting me anywhere near this. Truly and sincerely, do one!

I just payed for both of us to go to a holiday abroad. It cost me over £2000
I didn’t ask him for a penny - I was only too glad to take him away and he earns more than what I do.

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 25/08/2018 17:24

Some posters don't seem to have noticed that the OP and her boyfriend are only in their early 20's! Its perfectly normal (for those lucky enough to be middle class) for people to have parental help when buying a property at that age. And parents who give help will want to make sure that the property remains belonging to their child and not his girlfriend.

At your age, I'm assuming you are nowhere near ready to buy a property yourself and are spending your money renting. In that case, you have nothing to lose by moving in and just seeing it in the same way as renting. Sorry to say, but most people don't end up with the partners they had in their early 20's, so keep saving for a place of your own as you would have if you had been single. If it really does turn out that he is the one, then you can eventually put those savings into the house in return for your name being on the deeds, or you can sell that house and use the proceeds from that house and your own savings to move somewhere together, again with both names on the deeds.

At my age (38) I wouldn't move in with a man without my name on the deeds, but early 20's are a different kettle of fish - most people of that age move in and out with different people, whether partners or flatmates.

glintandglide · 25/08/2018 17:24

I wouldn’t dream of paying half his mortgage as “rent”. It’s not your house, you didn’t chose it, and you won’t benefit from its capital growth etc. Renting from a landlord is entirely different. You don’t pay rent to your boyfriend. I wouldn’t pay all the bills either.

You could end up with no home, no money and having paid a chunk of his mortgage interest. Not smart at all. You need to save each month so you have money should you guys split up. What you would do as a single person is irrelevant

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 17:25

No sorry he didn’t put the deposit down.

His parents did.

I would have liked a place of our own, to pay half the deposit each; negating the need for his parents money.
I would have like to pay equally to the household (including half our mortgage)

That unfortunately isn’t the case.

I’m not going to post any more. There’s some nasty people on here.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 25/08/2018 17:25

So he earns more but you make the bigger financial contribution and are paying to take him on holiday? How does that work then?

glintandglide · 25/08/2018 17:32

OP I was in your situation. I said I wouldn’t be my now husbands tenant. I paid the bills (don’t be a mug and do this- pay half most) I ended to paying all bills which are uncontrollable and wasted money. Don’t let him get away without paying council tax whilst he pays off his tiny mortgage. He’ll have most of a house in 10 years and what will you have? 10 years good history with British Gas? Fuck that.

MorseandLewis · 25/08/2018 17:38

Oh dear, some people aren’t very bright.

I can see why he didn't consult you. You sound like a nightmare!

There’s some nasty people on here.

Yes you.

onetimeposter · 25/08/2018 17:47

Agree with op. If he wants you there pay half bills and save up your own deposit. After 3 years moving intogether shouldnt be like this whatever age. His parents have basically ensured he keeps that money whatever happens as it is before you are married.
Fair enough but DO NOT sacrifice your chance of financial independence to pay for his house and renovations.
Many women on here, incredibly naive, have found out how stupid theyve been 10 yrs in with a few kids once hes found someone else. Do not risk your future for someone who clearly isnt committed to you.

toomanychilder · 25/08/2018 17:50

Look OP, the obvious problem here is that you have been dating a guy for 3 years ans he didn't even ask you to view houses with him that he wanted to buy on his own, without you.
I mean, come on, this isn't about how much you might pay when living with him, is it?

Original poster
Wiredup · 25/08/2018 17:50

Thank you. Very sensible ladies :)

OP posts:
Howhot · 25/08/2018 17:51

OP you are very rude.

Popc0rn · 25/08/2018 17:51

Jeeeeeez, why are people being so hard on the OP?! The responses about living "rent free"...there isn't any rent to pay, just the mortgage, which her boyfriend didn't consult her about and is solely responsible for.

Offer to go 50/50 on the bills OP. Why should he live bill free?!

Bluelady · 25/08/2018 17:58

So, Pop, there wouldn't be any rent to pay if it was a landlord's mortgage? It's the same deal. If it was a man expecting to live rent free he'd get roasted.