Aibu to think DP being a prat about tidiness?

[MrsPepperpot79]

DP was middleaged and a bachelor when I and my two kids moved in (me pregnant with his first DD). He lived in a pristine home. I warned him that kids (esp babies) mean lots of stuff. I warned him that adding 4 people to a 3 bed house would mean more stuff in the house. He said he understood.

I have tried. My clothes are all away - folded and nothing hanging out of drawers. The kids have to tidy their room before bed, and no toys in sitting room. Everything has its place, but each place is full. (Worth noting he has a wardrobe and drawers stuffed haphazardly full of clothes he doesn't wear, and the ones he wears that I clean, iron and fold for him are left in a pile on a blanket box and not put away).

This morning he went off on one, announcing I am out of control - and so is the house - because the storage is full. It is so untidy he can't live with it. I need to throw my clothes out because my drawers are full. He even opened my underwear drawer and threw contents on the floor to demonstrate how untidy I am.

Firstly, aibu to think if it's put away neatly, not hanging out and not visible then it's not untidy? (I am no minimalist but always thought if was but away properly was tidy). I might be u here - views please!

Secondly, aibu to think pulling my underwear out of a closed drawer is invading my privacy?

Thirdly, I know compromise is good and necessary, but aibu to think telling me to chuck my stuff or he'll leave is ott and frankly a bit controlling?

He is a good man, and I get he likes a tidy home, and I get he was feeling overwhelmed, but I am thinking he needs to calm the fuck down - and clear his own shit first!

Have you pointed out to him the problem here is him as you and the children are keeping to your side of the deal? If not, why not? And yes he’s out of order telling you to throw your clothes out and chucking your stuff on the floor.

So, with baby, there are 5 of you living in his three bed house. That's always going to cause some mess and I think you're doing very well to keep it all under control. Neatly put away in a cupboard/drawer counts as tidy to me too.

Yes, the underwear incident was wrong of him. Have you tried going through his stuff and sorting that out? (Not that that would solve the problem).

I think he has a bigger problem here. He sounds like he's struggling with the whole "family life" situation after being a neat and tidy bachelor all his life. That seems to be his issue and that's what needs sorting out, not your underwear drawer.

Are his things left out because they would have gone where you now have your things? He is obviously being completely unreasonable but it sounds like he didn’t actually have any idea what the realities of sharing his space with three other people would be.

I'm happy to wash. iron and sort my family's washing and then I leave it on their beds or them put away - i'm not a housemaid.

Do you think there are too many toys (even tho' the are put away). Is the bathroom full of plastic ducks and matey bath wash etc?

Can you make the house simpler? Have a thorough sort out and either donate of put in the roof.

Do you make use of all the space ie under the stairs/above wardrobes etc?

It sounds like there is some adjustment required (on his part).

The reality is that living with children, especially if they’re not your own, is a big upheaval.

His behaviour would make me seriously angry, however, if he really is lovely otherwise (really lovely, not conditionally lovely) then you need to work out what the real problem is.

How long have you been together and how long have you lived there? Is it a new arrangement he’s struggling with along with fatherhood?

Personally I’m quite messy and if I had a partner who was very fussy and particular about housekeeping I’d have reconsidered the relationship.

I lived with a family member who was utterly neurotic about housework and it was exhausting as she expected me to be the same and it was very difficult to deal with.

What did he say when you pointed out his clothes are stuffed in drawers untidily and that he leaves his clothes that YOU laundered in the hallway?

He's a hypocrite OP, I fear it will only get worse when you're pregnant.

Why are you washing his clothes and ironing them anyway?

*sorry, meant to say when you've had the baby

My partner three step kids and new baby live in two bed house! We're moving in a few months to a four bed I'm buying and can't wait.
I was the bachelor, with no kids and lived alone pre pregnancy. I do understand the stress, I find the kids very stressful due to constant noise and mess.
I insist on adult only space - in our current house it's the living room as conservatory is a play room for kids - this room is quiet. Kids can be in there but no toys/games and any tech is on silent. It's tidy. It saves my sanity.
Could you do something similar? Eg set up adult only very tidy area which gives him a haven. Or discuss moving somewhere bigger if finances allow. Yes sounds unreasonable but seems he may be at breaking point/ struggling.

antigon why are you washing and ironing his clothes ? op might choose to iron stuff - don't because i a crumpled slut , but seriously are you suggesting he should wash his clothes seperately ?
surely that's a waste of electric, water etc unless it's a full load.
sorry, but may be i'm being dim and missing the point of the thread !

The problem is you have moved into HIS house. He is LETTING you stay there. He needs to adjust his attitude. It’s not all about him anymore

We have been living together for nearly 3 years.

He has own wardrobe and drawers, doesn't need to even open my wardrobe. He has the en suite all to himself - I put all my makeup and lotions etc in the other bathroom.

I think he really didn't grasp what 3 kids means. Also, he works in his jeans etc outside, whereas I work in professional office so in effect have two different sets of clothes (even ignoring summer/winter differences).

I don't think he is coping with family life. He hates the toys in kids rooms. He resents time I spend with kids, he doesn't interact with his dd (talks at/over her) then wonders why she isn't talking to him (she's also being v clingy at mo) and disappears for a walk after I have put kids to bed and then says I'm not talking to him - cos he isn't there!

Got a feeling that how full my pants drawer is is a cover for him not being able to say he wishes we hadn't moved in.

I'm tired of permanently nagging kids to tidy to please him.

Bugger. This is time for proper talk isn't it?

How long have you lived there? I'd assume this is just a period of adjustment for him, having four of you move in.

i'd be going for a walk and skipping the talk. he might be the most generous and loving person on earth but ime middle age men who are single are single for a reason and are set in their ways - not all but will often want things done their own way or not at all.

He can't be arsed to put his own clothes away and complains that everyone else is untidy? And you let him get away with this?

I don't think he is coping with family life. He hates the toys in kids rooms. He resents time I spend with kids, he doesn't interact with his dd (talks at/over her) then wonders why she isn't talking to him (she's also being v clingy at mo) and disappears for a walk after I have put kids to bed and then says I'm not talking to him - cos he isn't there! oh dear op, you've got bigger problems than too much stuff. IT sounds like although he loves you, he doesn't like family life (tbh, it sounds like he doesn't like kids!) Big talk time indeed.

Yes, you need a proper talk. This is no way to live and you seem to be walking on eggshells to avoid any disturbance to his way of life. Obviously, if his stuff isn't tidy then he's way out of order for nitpicking at you. One way or another this has to change.

Is he perhaps on the autistic spectrum? The sense of clutter and untidiness/noise etc... can particularly affect people with ASD, no matter how much you love each other!

I speak from experience...

Ok. After your OP it’s time for a big proper talk.

I don’t understand why he’d be annoyed with toys in a child’s room - he sounds full of contempt for you and the children and that is usually the beginning of the end.

Well it's bound to be more full of stuff! There are now five people living there rather than one!

You need to sit down and discuss that he needs to make a bigger adjustment for family life if you want to stay together. It sounds like you're pretty tidy for a family of 3 kids.

Not being able to share the en-suite? Fuck that. Is it your home too or not?

Are you now on the mortgage?

I couldn't be with someone who didn't allow toys in the living room and didn't like them in the children's OWN rooms!

After I read your initial post I’m afraid I was making a cartoon in my head and laughing (man, throws drawer on floor like silly toddler, “you’re out of control!”. Mixes resulting knicker soup with toes “look at this mess you’ve made!” - woman stands by calmly with one eyebrow raised)

However, the update suggests that yes, definitely proper talk time. Hope you can get it sorted.

Oh dear, kids = lots of stuff.
If he can’t even cope with toys which are away in kids bedrooms I can’t see an answer really ☹️

I feel for your children in all of his, something needs to change here as it is not a nice environment to grow up in. It very much sounds as though he would prefer to live by himself.

I was tidying up yesterday and thinking how much more space we'll have when the kids have moved out! We have storage for toys in the bedrooms and in the living area. All toys are put away, but it still takes up space. Then kids have bags, shoes, coats, wellies etc. All of this is part of having a home with children in.

Siunds like you've been very accommodating so far. You need to talk to him and ask him what he proposes. Throw all the kids stuff away? You move out? The proposal of an adult-only area is a good idea, or maybe you need to be drastic and sell the house and buy a new one together, so that he's not seen it any differently. There will still be a lot of stuff of course, but maybe it would be easier to deal with if he didn't see it as an invasion of "his" space.