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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think DP being a prat about tidiness?

104 replies

MrsPepperpot79 · 24/08/2018 10:34

DP was middleaged and a bachelor when I and my two kids moved in (me pregnant with his first DD). He lived in a pristine home. I warned him that kids (esp babies) mean lots of stuff. I warned him that adding 4 people to a 3 bed house would mean more stuff in the house. He said he understood.

I have tried. My clothes are all away - folded and nothing hanging out of drawers. The kids have to tidy their room before bed, and no toys in sitting room. Everything has its place, but each place is full. (Worth noting he has a wardrobe and drawers stuffed haphazardly full of clothes he doesn't wear, and the ones he wears that I clean, iron and fold for him are left in a pile on a blanket box and not put away).

This morning he went off on one, announcing I am out of control - and so is the house - because the storage is full. It is so untidy he can't live with it. I need to throw my clothes out because my drawers are full. He even opened my underwear drawer and threw contents on the floor to demonstrate how untidy I am.

Firstly, aibu to think if it's put away neatly, not hanging out and not visible then it's not untidy? (I am no minimalist but always thought if was but away properly was tidy). I might be u here - views please!

Secondly, aibu to think pulling my underwear out of a closed drawer is invading my privacy?

Thirdly, I know compromise is good and necessary, but aibu to think telling me to chuck my stuff or he'll leave is ott and frankly a bit controlling?

He is a good man, and I get he likes a tidy home, and I get he was feeling overwhelmed, but I am thinking he needs to calm the fuck down - and clear his own shit first!

OP posts:

headinhands · 24/08/2018 13:58

So he went from a household of 1 to a household of five in an blink of an eye?

Sorry that's bullocks. Dh went from Batchelor pad to cluttered family home with no problems. He relished it.

serbska · 24/08/2018 13:58

Many MANY MANY people go from single living to parents of a child or even a couple of children in the blink of an eye. No one gives the female half a free pass to act like a whiny little brat.

I actualy don't think that many people go fro mliving on their pown, to living with a partner and two children that aren;t evn yours, and then a baby that is yours, in les than 6 months.

It is typical to move in with your partner, then get them pg, then welcome the ONE baby together, then decide to have more babies over the next few years.

I'm not saying he isn't a prat, i'm just saying I think it sounds fucking shit all round for everyone. For the children to live in a house where their 'step dad' resent them. For the OP who is trying ot make everyone happy. And for the stupid man to have got the OP pg and decided he wanted to play happy families but actually hates it.

Nikephorus · 24/08/2018 14:05

Are you seriously suggesting the OP spend her home life constantly uncomfortable and take on another job of making everything visually appealing for her husband who fucks off every evening? Do you throw your husband's drawers to the ground if you don't get your way?
I'm not quite sure how having a couple of doors closed would make OP constantly uncomfortable. But no, I'm merely offering a possible work-around. They need some sort of solution after all.
And I'm gay (and single), but thanks for assuming that I was heterosexual.

Cupoteap · 24/08/2018 14:08

If it's not working after 3 years you really need to talk to him

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 14:13

I'm not quite sure how having a couple of doors closed would make OP constantly uncomfortable. But no, I'm merely offering a possible work-around. They need some sort of solution after all. And I'm gay (and single), but thanks for assuming that I was heterosexual.

I assumed it because you seem very comfortable with heteronormative, sexist gender roles where the woman rushes about making everything look pretty for a man so he not be upset by the mess his and her children make. You didn't answer my question though, as a person who doesn't like untidiness would you expect a partner to do that for you? for your own child? It isn't a "work around". A work around would be the Op's husband learning to deal with the mess and start taking care of his own mess that he leaves out.

needyourlovingtouch · 24/08/2018 14:15

You need to konmarie

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 14:16

I actualy don't think that many people go fro mliving on their pown, to living with a partner and two children that aren;t evn yours, and then a baby that is yours, in les than 6 months.

If you read MN you'll find lots of women who find themselves pregnant and then move into a situation where they are suddenly a stepmother and a mother in a few months. LOTS of couples move in together purely because they found themselves expecting a child. For the same reason, lots of people used to get married!

YeahCorvid · 24/08/2018 14:27

I would really struggle with this. But, like him, I would be being a dick.

i think if you had all moved together somewhere else, the transition might have been easier. He is trying to have it both ways - share his home with you AND have his lovely home the way it was before. He can't.

You should move out. He'll miss you like hell.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 24/08/2018 14:31

Is it possible for you to live in separate houses (financially) and still have a relationship? TBH if you've been living together for three years and he can't stand it then he's probably not going to be able to overcome whatever it is that's bothering him. If he is so concerned about the volume of stuff that it's always on his mind even when he can't see it (away in wardrobes etc) then it's straying into OCD territory and he can't help himself. A talk about might make him see sense logically but if his issue isn't on a logical level, if it's more psychological, then even if he shuts up about it it will still be bothering him and likely to erupt periodically.

Is it possible that you could both agree that you have both given it your best shot and live separately without blame on either side? Or do you think that trying to resolve the issue will likely lead to a relationship breakdown?

Unicornandbows · 24/08/2018 14:34

I am ocd and If I can see clutter or stuff put away in neat pile but not out of sight and just pilled I literally feel angry and can't cope it's not anyone's faut in particular it's just I don't like stuff everywhere. He had no right to speak to you the way he did, however if he is anything like me then I can understand how he could go crazy over stuff. The best thing is to approach with what should we do together to sort out where things can go. Hope you are OK op xxx

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 24/08/2018 14:38

Ive skipped a page or two, but the bit that really jumped out at me was: He resents time I spend with kids, he doesn't interact with his dd (talks at/over her) then wonders why she isn't talking to him (she's also being v clingy at mo) and disappears for a walk after I have put kids to bed and then says I'm not talking to him - cos he isn't there! Above everything else-the expectations of tidiness, the mardiness etc is that. He is selfish. He wants you without "baggage" he can't relate to his own child. I know I said time for a talk, but you know, I think I'd be seriously reconsidering this whole relationship.

Willow2017 · 24/08/2018 14:42

Unicorn
Why is it ok for him to go mad over the inside of ops drawers but leave his own stuff lying about?

Willow2017 · 24/08/2018 14:46

What ohwhat said.
He wants you but not the hassle of family life nor you to actually impede his own selfish ways.

Kids are fine as long as he doesnt have to see/hear/interact with them and you prioritize him over them.

Your kids deserve a home they can be comfortable in not walking on eggshells all the time. It will affect them over time dont kid yourself ot wont as it will you as you will forever be trying to appease this selfish man.

Original poster

MrsPepperpot79 · 24/08/2018 15:11

Can't move somewhere together - is a farm. Out at mo - reply more later

OP posts:

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 15:12

Uh unicorns then you probably wouldn't leave your own stuff lying about as the op's partner does right?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 15:14

Is it possible for you to live in separate houses (financially) and still have a relationship?

Yes, OP that might be the way forward, this way you can do all the cleaning and child care and he can still come over for sex and almost pretend he never even had a child. Sounds ideal for everyone but you might have a hard time explaining to your mutual child why daddy doesn't want to live with her but still wants to shag mummy.

BloodyDisgrace · 24/08/2018 15:19

Shiiiiit, pulling your underwear out and throwing it on the floor in NOT ON. What a prat.

Does he do any cleaning/tidying up? Or expects you to do it all since you invaded his sanctum?

ReanimatedSGB · 24/08/2018 15:23

Honestly, lay your plans, take the kids, leave the prick. He's making life worse, not better, for all of you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2018 15:25

He even opened my underwear drawer and threw contents on the floor to demonstrate how untidy I am.

That's a hell no from me.

villainousbroodmare · 24/08/2018 15:39

I'm very interested to know what sort of farmer he is. The vast majority of farmers I know (that's a lot) are very forgiving of the messiness of life. It's very hard to get a cow to calve in a pristine manner. I'm betting it's tillage.

adoggymama · 24/08/2018 15:44

Mines the same. Drives me mental. Before I moved in it was very 'minimalistic' bare and he said he was fine with me bringing my stuff to move in. Now he's always going on at me that there's fluff and hair everywhere (due to OUR puppy that HE decided we should get) and has a strop if the washing up (only ever small amounts of it left at a time as I usually wash up as I go!) isn't done or the bed isn't made properly to the point where he won't talk to me till it's done.

Honestly, men are basically adult toddlers on their periods!

NynaeveSedai · 24/08/2018 15:46

He's behaving like a complete prick. It's a shame you didn't get the chance to see what a prick he is before moving your kids in and having another one.

NynaeveSedai · 24/08/2018 15:47

Honestly, men are basically adult toddlers on their periods!grin

Fuck sake

RibbonAurora · 24/08/2018 15:48

villainousbroodmare interesting you should say that I was thinking the opposite and just about to ask the OP if her DH was a farmer! Dh comes from a farming family, he's very orderly and doesnt like clutter, I'm much the same so we rub along pretty well. Some of his family are still farmers, their houses are pristine, never a thing out of place, one place in particular I always hate staying there in case I displace a cushion or something! I think they overcompensate for the animal husbandry mess they can't control out on the farm, though their farm buildings are very orderly with all implements and tack carefully put away after use, by neat-freaking indoors.

ApolloandDaphne · 24/08/2018 15:50

I am assuming you are not married and the house is in his name?

I think, if you can afford it, you might be best moving elsewhere with the children so you can relax and get in with loving rattler than having to be super tidy all the time. The children must feel stifled by this surely?

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