Aibu to think DP being a prat about tidiness?

[MrsPepperpot79]

DP was middleaged and a bachelor when I and my two kids moved in (me pregnant with his first DD). He lived in a pristine home. I warned him that kids (esp babies) mean lots of stuff. I warned him that adding 4 people to a 3 bed house would mean more stuff in the house. He said he understood.

I have tried. My clothes are all away - folded and nothing hanging out of drawers. The kids have to tidy their room before bed, and no toys in sitting room. Everything has its place, but each place is full. (Worth noting he has a wardrobe and drawers stuffed haphazardly full of clothes he doesn't wear, and the ones he wears that I clean, iron and fold for him are left in a pile on a blanket box and not put away).

This morning he went off on one, announcing I am out of control - and so is the house - because the storage is full. It is so untidy he can't live with it. I need to throw my clothes out because my drawers are full. He even opened my underwear drawer and threw contents on the floor to demonstrate how untidy I am.

Firstly, aibu to think if it's put away neatly, not hanging out and not visible then it's not untidy? (I am no minimalist but always thought if was but away properly was tidy). I might be u here - views please!

Secondly, aibu to think pulling my underwear out of a closed drawer is invading my privacy?

Thirdly, I know compromise is good and necessary, but aibu to think telling me to chuck my stuff or he'll leave is ott and frankly a bit controlling?

He is a good man, and I get he likes a tidy home, and I get he was feeling overwhelmed, but I am thinking he needs to calm the fuck down - and clear his own shit first!

On the one hand I sort of sympathise with the h as I really resented my exp crap and clutter. BUT my exh was obstructively tidy and it really did my head in.

He sounds awful. Your poor kids don't deserve to be walking on eggshells in their own home in case they accidentally leave a toy lying around. And he resents the time you spend with them? If you stay there with him your kids will eventually resent you, for forcing them to live with such a horrible man.

Does he regularly have these freakouts and does he usually attack your stuff in the process? To me, it seems off that he chose your underwear drawer as a target to attack for a freakout, to me it seems like he actively chose something personal and private to you to attack you rather than the mess.

I sometimes freak out about mess, especially when stressed or in a lot of pain or otherwise less able to cope as an autistic adult but when I and others I know who are similar, it tends to end up with like scrubbing muck off the wall or trying to pull out all the furniture or doing anything to get a bit of order, not dumping stuff out to make a bigger mess. Like the only times I can think of remately similar is things like the kids put a bunch of socks and towels in a toy bin or a paper waste basket so a dump and resort was the only thing my scrambled brain could think of at the time but even in my biggest panics, I've never dumped or thrown about my spouse's or anyone else's clothes or similar personal property.

To me, it more reads as a personal attack and even if not, he needs to learn better coping strategies than taking it out on you and the kids. A big discussion and some apologies from him are needed at the very least.

He certainly overcompensates for mess outside (except with machinery which v neat!) by neat-freaking inside. He periodically has proper freak (last time he threw out dd's nursery bag as thought was empty rubbish bag - had to buy new stuff) but has never acted like this.

When I say resents time with kids I meant he is jealous of time I spend with DD and my DC when he can't - I spent 4 days with friends in another part of country in July and today was last day of rented beach hut half hour away - and he calls this me "gadding about all over" and not in a fun way. He was invited to both, and even had days off this week but didn't come. He doesn't like my taking kids on days out over holidays, says they'll be tired out or stressed (patently not).

I have tried keeping sitting room as no toys zone, and his office is child free zone entirely. Apparently not enough.

He rarely tidies, he no longer does dishwasher, his office is a bombsite of paper (appears to file on the floor) and then has sudden massive all out burn it session.

I have tried, really. I charitied masses, periodically edit mine and kids clothes, reduced books (mine, not kids! as put on Kindle). I could do this all again but I resent throwing my things out (that I still use) because he has problem with full drawers!

I also put my foot down recently as cleaner (he pays) commented on lots of toys in kids bed. I agree - they have lots, but are young kids and do put them tidy. He wanted them to throw loads out. I refused to allow this. Actually, his steering over that may have prompted this latest.

Stressing not steering!

I insist on adult only space - in our current house it's the living room as conservatory is a play room for kids - this room is quiet. Kids can be in there but no toys/games and any tech is on silent. It's tidy. It saves my sanity

Are the kids allowed to speak in this scared place!

I think you know his behaviour isn't reasonable, OP. And it's patently unfair to your children who are children!

I can understand someone being stressed out by a mess at times but he isn't a nice man. Complaining about you going off with the dc is not on. Surely thats what a lot of dms do in the holidays and you would think he would appreciate a bit of peace and quiet. His whole attitude is mean and not fair to your dc. I'm afraid you are in big trouble here with this guy. I don't like the sound of him.

Sounds like it's not the amount of stuff that's bothering him - it's the fact it's not his stuff. Hence no amount of decluttering by you has helped so far.

Tackle him head on. The kids shouldn't have to apologise for existing in their own home.

He really doesn’t sound very nice OP - are you happy there? Are the children?

Your children (and his child) have to basically pretend they don’t exist. It sounds like that is what would make him happy. Them having toys is bad , signs of their presence is bad, taking them out for the day is bad ... i know where i would be taking this relationship.

Gamer chick - yep we cuddle and watch films as a family before bed. But sodding lol doll you tube videos Xbox games etc are not allowed. It's a quiet nice space. It's good for the kids to have boundaries and a quiet room. The older ones uses it for reading homework and a break from his siblings.
It works for us as a family. It's also way I was raised - children's play room and adults sitting room. Never bothered me as a kid!

This doesn't sound like a man who wants to be with you or your children.. and what kind of man actively ignores a child?

The more you write op tje worse it sounds.
Its ok.for him to live in a pigsty but not for you or kids to hsve normal amounts of toys or clothes.
He doesnt do a thing in.the house yet complains about the mess? Sod that. Leave and you can all relax for a change its a horrible way to.live always looking over your shoulder for something he will complain about. This is not a normal way to live.

I remember some of your other posts (your username always makes me smile), your ‘D’P isn’t ‘a great guy’, he is a monumental, selfish, twat. You need to move out, or get him out (but tricky on a farm though, but GOOD leverage) and stop putting your kids and yourself through this. Do it before you have NO self esteem left and while you still have some chance of giving your three kids some normal childhood. Living with him is not good for any of you.

OP, if I went off for the day with my kids, even if DH had to work, even if I spent unwise amounts of our hard-earned and limited money, I'd be sending him Whatsapp pics and ♡ and he would genuinely be for us. This is a grim, cold attitude. I feel sad for you.

I dont say this lightly. The children & I would have been long gone.

Jealous of children. Awful.

Sorry your update hasn't improved the picture of him. He's jealous, he's controlling and he's a prick of the first order. Id be long gone.

I realise that what I have said makes him sound like a prize twat, but some things are still not being understood. Yes, he has been a prize dick in the past - we had strong words, he backed down and has been working on being better. He is selfish at times, again it's something I pull him on and he tries. He doesn't ignore kids nor be jealous of them - but he struggles to know how to interact (talks at, not with iyswim) esp with youngest as her speech is still toddler-talk, and he wants to spend time like I do (he resents the time I have, not me or the kids) but struggles to take that time (workaholic). He does struggle with clutter.

The workaholic and clutter things are direct reaction to his upbringing (parents very cluttered) and struggle to keep family farm running due to years of prior mismanagement. He tries, but again, ingrained habits are hard to alter.

I wanted to know if others also find that not visible stuff still niggles or if he is straying into stupid territory (or even if could genuinely be slightly spectrum/OCD tendency)

And yes, if you read my posts in isolation then he is a prize dick and I'd be saying ltb. That's because I only post when I think he is being a shit (or I overreacting - I am also product of past shitty marriage and can see things that aren't there!) I don't post when he's being sweet, taken kids to park so I can have lie in, when he subs me - without any hesitation or murmur- for my DC's when exh failed to pay maintenance (again) and I need to pay music/swimming lessons (we have separate finances, it works for us), when he cooks tea/picks up takeaway as thinks I deserve a break etc etc. He genuinely isn't a shit. He IS selfish, set in his ways, and can be a prize prat. Many men are. He does try, when I pull him up, to improve. He is also way more patient with kids mucking about than me, more willing to spend time kicking a ball about than me etc.

I do sometimes need others to confirm when behaviours are really crappy or just me being daft/overreacting because of my background (I'm getting better at both seeing myself being daft and challenging when it isn't me).

The kids are happy (and making them tidy up once a day is, in my opinion, no bad thing) and settled and do love him. If, when challenged on shitty behaviour he didn't try to change I would have left. But he does try.

Sorry, that was an essay and sounds defensive - not meant to be, just putting the other side too.

That's because I only post when I think he is being a shit

My dh is never a shit. It's not normal for your partner to sometimes be a shit. They might overlook something but that's just being human. Being a shit is deliberate. He didn't 'overlook something' when he emptied your underwear's drawer out.

Having a history of a shitty partner makes someone note likely to tolerate shit, not less.

He IS selfish, set in his ways, and can be a prize prat. Many men are.

Some men are as are some women. Many men and women aren't. You've got a long time ahead of you. Why spend it with a selfish prat when frankly you'd be a lot happier alone or with a lovely man.

It was defensive. That's perfectly normal when people are criticising your relationship but try to look at things as an outsider might?

Op where is your line. At what point would you call time? I reckon his time last week you'd have said emptying your underwear drawer was a line.

Op, my dh says seeing how organised and anal your partner is you should put him on a performance improvement plan with 4 weekly reviews.