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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think DP being a prat about tidiness?

104 replies

MrsPepperpot79 · 24/08/2018 10:34

DP was middleaged and a bachelor when I and my two kids moved in (me pregnant with his first DD). He lived in a pristine home. I warned him that kids (esp babies) mean lots of stuff. I warned him that adding 4 people to a 3 bed house would mean more stuff in the house. He said he understood.

I have tried. My clothes are all away - folded and nothing hanging out of drawers. The kids have to tidy their room before bed, and no toys in sitting room. Everything has its place, but each place is full. (Worth noting he has a wardrobe and drawers stuffed haphazardly full of clothes he doesn't wear, and the ones he wears that I clean, iron and fold for him are left in a pile on a blanket box and not put away).

This morning he went off on one, announcing I am out of control - and so is the house - because the storage is full. It is so untidy he can't live with it. I need to throw my clothes out because my drawers are full. He even opened my underwear drawer and threw contents on the floor to demonstrate how untidy I am.

Firstly, aibu to think if it's put away neatly, not hanging out and not visible then it's not untidy? (I am no minimalist but always thought if was but away properly was tidy). I might be u here - views please!

Secondly, aibu to think pulling my underwear out of a closed drawer is invading my privacy?

Thirdly, I know compromise is good and necessary, but aibu to think telling me to chuck my stuff or he'll leave is ott and frankly a bit controlling?

He is a good man, and I get he likes a tidy home, and I get he was feeling overwhelmed, but I am thinking he needs to calm the fuck down - and clear his own shit first!

OP posts:

GoatWoman · 24/08/2018 12:09

This is why I'll never live with a man again.

Nikephorus · 24/08/2018 12:19

Is he perhaps on the autistic spectrum? The sense of clutter and untidiness/noise etc... can particularly affect people with ASD, no matter how much you love each other!
Have to admit that I struggle if things are messy in cupboards (am autistic), let alone out. I can cope if I can't see it (i.e. don't open the cupboard often) but as long as I'm remembering it then it's niggling. Maybe you could ensure that the kids' doors are closed so that he can't see any mess when they're playing. That way if he's going in there to say goodnight or whatever it'll be when stuff is tidied away.

Willow2017 · 24/08/2018 12:29

He has the en suite all to himself - I put all my makeup and lotions etc in the other bathroom.

Ridiculous, he has kids too yet you are supposed to share their bathroom while he gets one to himself?
Why is everyone else running around tidying up when he doesnt even put away his own clothes but leaves them lying around?
I would have been bloody furious that he pulled things out of my drawer and threw them on the floor. Thats idiotic, they were in a drawer out of sight yet he threw them on the floor to show you how untidy you were? He is nuts!
I couldnt live like that having to be constantly on 'tidy' alert for some manchild who cant even put his own clothes away.

youarenot · 24/08/2018 12:29

Alternatively he could just be very set in his ways, with no other reason than that?

Whatever it is, there's 5 people in the house now, not just one.
You're going to have to talk to him OP, he can not expect 4 other people to be unhappy and conform to his way of life without expecting to have to give them some leeway, space and allow the children to play.

Not sure I could live with it to be honest.

RibbonAurora · 24/08/2018 12:30

You and your children either live there with all the parapehernalia that involves and he accepts that or you move out. He sounds like he hadn't thought through all the implications of having 3, then 4, people move in to a space he previously occupied by himself fully. The reality is now grating on him despite you doing more than can be natural or comfortable to accommodate his wishes. It sounds like a miserable existence for you and the kids tbh. Separate bathrooms, no toys in shared spaces, even unable to bear perceived disorder in drawers and rooms he doesn't need to go into irritating him? I'm sorry I don't see any way forward for you to continue living with him unless he is prepared to give a lot more and it doesn't sound like he is.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/08/2018 12:30

How much domestic work and childcare does this man do? It sounds as though he might see you and DC as props to improve his image rather than people - you are there to entertain him, enhance his life - and be quiet and go back into your boxes when he's tired of you. It might be worth getting together all the relevant info about how you would manage if you ended this relationship. It's not good for you or your DC to share a house with a man who thinks he is the boss/owner of all of you and that his wishes are the only ones that count.

BewareOfDragons · 24/08/2018 12:35

Yikes!

I feel particularly sorry for your children. It's clear he doesn't like them.

Be glad you're not married to him and plan to move? I honestly can't think of anything else that would be fair to your children. THey shouldn't have to live in a home where their presence is resented and they can't be children. That's not a 'home'.

Sorry, OP. But I really do think you've made a mistake here.

Bibidy · 24/08/2018 12:50

OP, how long have you been living together now?

It sounds to me like he's just struggling to adjust to the changes and perhaps is projecting that with the tidiness issue.

I'd sit down with him and ask how he's feeling about everything, let him know you were shocked and hurt about what he said and the way he threw your things to the floor. See what he says.

I think it's highly likely he's a bit overwhelmed by going from living alone to having you all living with him, and it does take time to get used to living with children as well, particularly as he's not a parent himself.

I'd definitely ask him how he's feeling and whether there's anything he wants to discuss with you.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 12:52

Is he perhaps on the autistic spectrum? The sense of clutter and untidiness/noise etc... can particularly affect people with ASD, no matter how much you love each other!

Does it matter why he doesn't like it, that's not really the problem here. The problem is his acting like a twat about it. I suspect he wouldn't have a job if he through his tools to the ground like a baby if things were untidy at work. If he can control himself elsewhere he can control himself at home. Why do people look for excuses for manbabies?

Have to admit that I struggle if things are messy in cupboards (am autistic), let alone out. I can cope if I can't see it (i.e. don't open the cupboard often) but as long as I'm remembering it then it's niggling. Maybe you could ensure that the kids' doors are closed so that he can't see any mess when they're playing. That way if he's going in there to say goodnight or whatever it'll be when stuff is tidied away.

Are you seriously suggesting the OP spend her home life constantly uncomfortable and take on another job of making everything visually appealing for her husband who fucks off every evening? Do you throw your husband's drawers to the ground if you don't get your way?

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 12:52

through = threw

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 12:55

Sorry OP, this guy is a being an uber prat. I'm concerned by people who think that you shuld basically turn the place in to some sort of haven for an adult temper tantrumming male by removing toys and bath toys from your children so he will see fit to be around them.

4 out of 5 people seem happy enough with the current situation. Why make your lives worse for a fucking giant baby.

serbska · 24/08/2018 12:58

So he went from a household of 1 to a household of five in an blink of an eye?

The entire thing has ‘disaster’ written all over it.

Sofabitch · 24/08/2018 13:05

3 years is plenty of adjustment time.

Your poor children being subjected to this...time for him to wake up and realise you're (and he now) are parents and their needs must come first.

Stuff too much stuff happens with young children.

immortalmarble · 24/08/2018 13:13

I would feel very angry if someone did that to me. My dad did something similar when I was a teenager and I felt quite violated in a strange way.

I wish someone would tell my autistic DS that they hate mess!

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 13:15

So he went from a household of 1 to a household of five in an blink of an eye?

Many MANY MANY people go from single living to parents of a child or even a couple of children in the blink of an eye. No one gives the female half a free pass to act like a whiny little brat.

hendricksy · 24/08/2018 13:18

Can't you move to a bigger house ? Seems like the best way forward to me .

stillnotTheDoctor · 24/08/2018 13:24

I'd have thrown one of his drawers on the floor.

He sounds controlling. I'd be very worried about the future. And whether this disdain for the kids could become violence. For instance breaking their toys, throwing them etc.

You say he's lovely? A lovely man wouldn't act like this.

farangatang · 24/08/2018 13:31

immortalmarble and I wish that someone would tell my DH and DD on the spectrum that a bit of mess is OK!!

Seriously though, OP, it can be very restrictive and difficult to live with such high (albeit hypocritical) standards of 'cleanliness' and 'order'. I feel for you!

Witchofwisteria · 24/08/2018 13:48

He doesnt like family life, to be honest I am not sure I would want to have other peoples kids invading my home. We put up with them because we love them, he doesn't so its always going to be hard. I feel for him and I also feel for you - perhaps have a sit down to discuss the bigger issues. Maybe you could suggest moving out with the kids, not breaking up but just not living together - see if he goes for it (in which case do it, or break up if that's not what you want) or whether hes full of apologies and admits he was just having a hard day!

PositiveVibez · 24/08/2018 13:48

I would move out. No way on this earth would I bag my kids for having their toys in their own bedroom.

He does sound impossible.

BobbleHat102 · 24/08/2018 13:51

My DP is like this. Its annoying AF, especially when he doesn't see his own mess or things of his that have sat for ages and not been dealt with.

I don't think this is a LTB situation, but I do think you need to talk properly and get him to see your viewpoint. I'd also start going for walks myself, why is he checking out all the time? Do you get to do this?

headinhands · 24/08/2018 13:52

Pulling things out your drawer and throwing them on the floor speaks volumes. He sounds horrid. That's not normal. I'd be VERY angry.

Pippylou · 24/08/2018 13:55

I actually would leave. I would be living on eggshells and kids really should be allowed to be kids. I don't think you'll have realised how tense things are until they're not.

Defo some issues going on tho, I think he may be near the edge of reason.

Lightweightstroller · 24/08/2018 13:56

He sounds like he has BIG problems
I’d tidy away all his clothes into a few black bags and leave them at the front door for him.

Why are you putting up with such shit? Why are you letting him set the scene? You do know your kids are having a shit childhood because of him, don’t you? He’s abusive!

Get rid of him.

villainousbroodmare · 24/08/2018 13:58

Oh dear. He's not on the team really, is he? Lack of interest in his own DD is the worst bit of what you've outlined imo.

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