What do you do when your In Laws treat one set of grandchildren so differently?

[TheWalkingTalkingRed]

I've posted about this before, but things just haven't got any better, and as DD is getting older she's noticing it, so I don't feel I can let things carry on as they are.

A bit of background, DD is our only child, and will likely be our only child. I work part time, and mostly from home so do bulk of childcare on my own. If I do need any, my Mum jumps in as she lives closest. DH has one DB who is married with 3 DC, he and SIL used to rely very heavily on our in laws for childcare, with the children often sleeping over at least once or twice a week. SIL no longer works but this is still a regular thing.

I have so many examples of how differently they treat our DD, but to keep it short these are the most recent:

FIL has been off work for the past 2 weeks (MIL is retired) They have taken the other grandchildren out several times, with SIL even going on a couple of outings. Also had all 3 DC for sleepovers. They haven't called or text or asked to see our DD once. DH rang the other day to ask if they would like to see our DD, his Mum text him to say that the only day she had free, she was getting her hair done, sorry.

When we went on holiday, my Mum gave DD some holiday spends, and called her to wish her a nice holiday. Nothing from in laws, now this might sound petty and would not have bothered me if BIL and SIl hadn't posted pics on Facebook of their DC a week or so late, on their holiday with a picture captioned "Spending Nana and Grandads holiday money wisely"

They couldn't come to see DD at her recent birthday, as they were looking after DBIL and SIL youngest child. However, FIL booked the day off for my nephews birthday a few weeks later and they all went to a local theme park.

There are so many more examples I could go on... and on...

DH has spoken to them in the past, but they aren't great at talking about difficult stuff, so they just literally just shut down and will sit there saying nothing., Then FIL phones DH and says you've upset your Mum etc I have talked to MIL she cries and says I'm making a fuss out of nothing.

I don't know whether I am and accept this is just the way they are, which DH says to do. He says they are the ones missing out and that they will regret it. But I also don't see why I should allow DD to be treated so poorly by them.

I'd love some advice on how to deal with this, I don't want to have a falling out with them but sadly I fear this is the way things will go if I can't get them to see what they are doing are start treating DD fairly

How old is your dd? Could it be that they've done all the baby stuff with the cousins and they find older kids more interesting? That's not ok, but hey might not realise they are doing it.
Have you asked them? Maybe Bil and sil ask them to take the kids for a sleepover? This would help foster a closer relationship.

It sounds so unfair, would make me really cross! How old is your DD? Has she noticed? Is his bother the ‘favourite’ son? I’m thinking here of the golden child/scapegoat dynamic...

This is horrible OP, your poor DD.
Not with a MIL but I have a similar issue with in laws. And they also turn it back on us.
They are being incredibly unfair and I would either go NC or have a family meeting with them and SIL/ DBIL. I'm not sure if they are really worth it though and ultimately your dd will suffer.

Asyou’ve tried having a reasonable conversation with them and it hasn’t worked, then sadly, I don’t think there is anything you can do.

It might be worth giving the reasonable conversation route one last try.

I’ve seen this kind of unfairness in families again and again. With children, step-children, grandchildren. I’ve never known anyone resolve it successfully if the people doing it don’t see a problem themselves once it is pointed out.

If they are dysfunctional enough to pull this kind of crap in the first place they are not ever going to change. It's not what you want to hear but it's the way it goes. Build your own lives and memories without them in it. Your relationship with them will suffer so decide how much contact you are prepared to have and get on with it.

Don't mean to sound harsh but there is no solution to this. People can be shit.

My in-laws favour their daughters children. She has had them very involved from the start. Barely a day goes by when they don't see her children.

I rise above it. At least I get to bring mine up without interference. My children are more independent. The grandparents properly spoil the nephews and nieces. They are much more of a handful than mine and worse behaved because of it.

I have never pointed out the difference in relationship to my own children. Not sure when they will notice. I have just learnt to accept and build my own support network.

I decided to just limit contact to Christmas, birthdays etc before they noticed. In laws were, obviously, unconcerned by this. It did lead to a difficult conversation with one of my DCs when he was 16 and accused us of stopping him having a relationship with them. So it worked in the sense he never noticed I suppose.

Thanks for replies all.

KindergartenKOP Sadly I don't think its the baby thing, My DD is 10 and the second eldest grandchild. BIL DC range between 11 and 2. That would have made some sense in it all otherwise.
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GandalfsWrinklyHat Yes DBIL is the youngest and definitely the golden child! Despite causing a lot of trouble when he was younger. I adore BIL and his DC, tolerate SIL but the way my DD is being treated is making me resent them almost, which isn't fair its not their fault.
Yes DD has started noticing things, if we see BIL and SIL, or at the in laws house and they are talking about when they did this, when they did that. She will ask in the car after "Why didn't I go" we make excuses but it makes me so angry. She has a wonderful relationship with my Mum though, so is lucky in that respect.

I think your right, they're not worth it but as DD is an only child, I worry so much about cutting them out and what impact that will have.

There's just no easy way I fear, its so hard.

My PIL's used to give all their grandchildren pocket money apart from our DS. One year we were all together at Easter and the PIL's gave out Easter eggs - they had "forgotten" to buy our DS one 😡

They have both passed away now and DS is 18 but it still rankles me how they treated him so differently.

As a grandparent of ten I can see many issues going on here. As you say your mum helps and you have not needed the in laws. This by itself can make a little distance. Mothers are often given a slightly different take to the children of their daughters, to the children of their sons. Complex but true. The children you see frequently for Whatever reason, you grow to know better. I strive to treat all my grandchildren the same and have no favourites, but you can't avoid the fact that at various stages, a child may be more or less easy or appealing, and sometimes hard work. One thing I do know, you cannot force relationships. Rather than have expectations of the grandparenting, you would have done far better to spend time with them as a family, invite them to yours etc. Your DH "having a word" was a massive mistake, and would have upset me too. She is in a lose-lose place now. Whatever she does will be awkward. What is your own relationship with her? Could you not have helped contact without this right royal sulk? I frequently see posts from my daughter in law with grandparents, why not? You have already noted you turn to your own mum first, as do many daughters, my own included. As your daughter grows older she will be able to form good relationships if you don't interfere and try and force things. You are on the way to drive them away. Sorry but not only are you being unreasonable but you have cocked up. It is making you seem a bit precious

It's a difficult one because the family dynamic has evolved over time. No doubt the fact that your BIL's children have spent a lot of time with their grandparents has added to this. The mere fact that your DD and your BIL's children all have the same status as grandchildren, won't dictate that their relationship with the grandparents must be on equal terms. Do you ever drop in to see them unannounced? How close do you live?

brassbrass It's fine, you're right people can be shit and that's exactly what they are being. They don't see themselves as being dysfunctional at all, they bask in the glow of what wonderful grandparents they are. MIL friends always say how wonderful she is and how much she does for her GC now she's retired. Not mine she doesn't.

I think I was hoping for a magical way in which to make them see what they're doing and change
That's never going to happen now, its gone on too long

Thanks for everyones replies

My parents treat my dcs and my nieces all the same. They are all invited to stay at half terms etc. That's lovely.

My mil lives with her step daughter and her 2 kids. She pretty much does everything for them, she takes them to school, does all the housework (their mum works ft), looks after them 24/7 during the school holidays. The only time she sees our DD is if we go to their house to visit. She has never looked after DD on her own (DD is 8), and would never in a million years offer a sleep over. I understand this because the other grandchildren need her more (their mum is not able to cope on her own, hence why they live with mil) and mil is exhausted.

Fil (divorced from mil) has never even met DD. He has seen her once, at our wedding, where he left after the ceremony so didn't actually speak to DD just saw her from afar. He babysits for his step grandchildren at least once a week, is a completely devoted grandad. I don't understand this at all. How can he be such a devoted grandad to his late wife's grandchildren and never, ever want to see his own granddaughter? He didn't even come to her christening ffs. The only saving grace is that DD doesn't notice the inequality because he's just not a part of her life. I don't like that man, but it's not an issue because I've only met him twice in the 13 years I've been with DH.

I'm not sure how I'd deal with your situation, but I suspect I'd stop trying to develop the relationship between DD and the in-laws. Just don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, be polite but detach from them. Its hard, especially since there's no reason for the inequal treatment, but you can't change the way they act, you can only change the way you respond.

Unfortunately for your theory Confused, the grandparents in question are treating the children of their sons differently. Not son and daughter. Sons.

BertrandRussell - it depends very much on the relationship the DIL has with the MIL in a lot of cases. My SIL is like a daughter to my mum and has a much better relationship with her than with her own mother.

There is a very similar issue in my family. One grandchild is given lots of time and attention while others are largely ignored.

The reasons for this are a complete mystery. The favoured child is difficult and very spoilt, so it can’t be that they are easier to look after.

Some grandparents just suck! They don’t get that all children should be treated equally and if confronted about it become defensive and either deny it or blame the parents.

We have learnt to ignore it. The grandparents are missing out - unfortunately the children do see it and think it’s unfair. But are now a little older and just think this set of grandparents are arses!!

confusedbeetle I promise, for my daughters sake, least of all as I really am a decent human being, have done everything I can to try and involve them. Truly.
We have invited them to dinner, days out etc and to as many sport and school events as my Mum. It's up to you whether you believe that or not.and I get, honestly that their time is spread a little thinner with BIL and SIl having more children.
Its wonderful that you treat all your DGC equally, they are lucky to have you.
The points I have raised may have sounded precious, they are a very very small amount of ways they treat her differently over the years.1

I didn't ask DH to 'have a word' as in tell her off! It was just a conversation as to how it was making our DD feel - she refused to see DD side of things.

Thanks for hearing it from your side of things though.

We live possibly 8 miles further than DBIL,

Confusedbeetle OP says that her DH's brother is the favourite and always has been, not surprising this has now extended to the brother's DC.

It’s shit but your DH has the right idea. They are missing out.

I have very low expectations when it comes to my in-laws so i’m never disappointed. Anything nice (or should I say normal) is a bonus.

Mine has no idea she’s doing it. If she does, then she’s not a very nice person, so why should I care what she does?

I know you feel bad for your DD, but I think it will be better for her in the long run if you can hide or not even feel your understandable annoyance with her GPs. Put effort into the friends and family that treat you all well and she’ll be fine.

I could have written this post. I feel sorry for you and feel your frustration and pain. Unfortunately for me I dont have any family to help out. But never get the offer of help from the in laws even though they live 5mins down the road never pop in to stay hi, they have to past our front door to get to town. It hurts and I feel like my children are missing out on the relationship but after nearly 6 years I am having to learn it's not going to change and slowly have to give in even though I feel sad for my children.

Can you ask if your DD can tag along when the cousins are next going out together? Do the cousins all get on well together?

It's so tough. From my perspective, my boys have an amazing relationship with my mum. My db's daughter, not so much.

She's never really done childcare for any of us but I make sure that we see them very regularly, my eldest will talk to granny on the phone and I put a lot of effort in to facilitate the relationship. My db, in my eyes, really doesn't. "We're busy for the next six weeks." Guarantee when all three kids are older, the difference in relationship will be very noticeable

Happens with us too. Although with BIL and SIL's three my MIL is really the only grandparent available. My FIL is not fit to look after a child and shows no interest in any of them. My parents live nearer and have my son twice a week. Interestingly my MIL is moving into the same road as us later this year so we will see what happens then!

So you’re saying it’s the OPs fault the PILs treat the grandchildren differently then Hillarious

To a certain extent, BertrandRussell - see the post from Timeforanothernewone