What do you do when your In Laws treat one set of grandchildren so differently?

[TheWalkingTalkingRed]

I've posted about this before, but things just haven't got any better, and as DD is getting older she's noticing it, so I don't feel I can let things carry on as they are.

A bit of background, DD is our only child, and will likely be our only child. I work part time, and mostly from home so do bulk of childcare on my own. If I do need any, my Mum jumps in as she lives closest. DH has one DB who is married with 3 DC, he and SIL used to rely very heavily on our in laws for childcare, with the children often sleeping over at least once or twice a week. SIL no longer works but this is still a regular thing.

I have so many examples of how differently they treat our DD, but to keep it short these are the most recent:

FIL has been off work for the past 2 weeks (MIL is retired) They have taken the other grandchildren out several times, with SIL even going on a couple of outings. Also had all 3 DC for sleepovers. They haven't called or text or asked to see our DD once. DH rang the other day to ask if they would like to see our DD, his Mum text him to say that the only day she had free, she was getting her hair done, sorry.

When we went on holiday, my Mum gave DD some holiday spends, and called her to wish her a nice holiday. Nothing from in laws, now this might sound petty and would not have bothered me if BIL and SIl hadn't posted pics on Facebook of their DC a week or so late, on their holiday with a picture captioned "Spending Nana and Grandads holiday money wisely"

They couldn't come to see DD at her recent birthday, as they were looking after DBIL and SIL youngest child. However, FIL booked the day off for my nephews birthday a few weeks later and they all went to a local theme park.

There are so many more examples I could go on... and on...

DH has spoken to them in the past, but they aren't great at talking about difficult stuff, so they just literally just shut down and will sit there saying nothing., Then FIL phones DH and says you've upset your Mum etc I have talked to MIL she cries and says I'm making a fuss out of nothing.

I don't know whether I am and accept this is just the way they are, which DH says to do. He says they are the ones missing out and that they will regret it. But I also don't see why I should allow DD to be treated so poorly by them.

I'd love some advice on how to deal with this, I don't want to have a falling out with them but sadly I fear this is the way things will go if I can't get them to see what they are doing are start treating DD fairly

Oh, OP, sorry to make you cry! I understand it though - as a mum, the thought of anyone hurting your baby just rips your heart out. I’m so sorry.
I’ve worked with children for over 15 years. In that time I’ve met kids who have loads of siblings and extended family constantly dropping in. I’ve met only children who have no-one but the single parent who is raising them. I’ve met kids from all sorts of families, and I can tell you this: it is the quality of love that matters, not the quantity. As long as a child knows that someone loves them to the moon and back, they usually do OK. Your DD has you, your DH and your DM. She knows she is loved and wanted. Don’t worry so much about making sure she has a relationship with your ILs - they won’t give her the love and attention she deserves anyway, so it’s just a waste.
They may live to regret this when your DD is grown, spreading her wings, experiencing life and doesn’t give a toss about her GPs, but that is not your problem. They are adults and they have made their choice. Just keep being the brilliant mum you are and she’ll do fine.

Lvingoncake Oh please don't worry! Thanks so much for your advice I appreciated it.

It was more of a realisation when you mentioned self-esteem issues, I knew that. deep down I knew their treatment of her would effect her. Add on fact being an only child, and being a tomboy so not always knowing where she fits with her peers etc it has already been an issue. We do everything we can to try and build it up for her at home etc, but if they are pulling this stunt and it's now getting obvious to her...it will only be hindering what we do if that makes sense, so I know things have to change.

I would have loved a different outcome but I have done everything I can think of at this point.

I apologise for not replying to everyone's posts, I've read them all and thanks for the words of support and to those going through or have been through similar.

I woke up with an attack of the guilts this morning, that I had made them out to be monsters I have to say moentry wise at birthdays and Christmas they spend the same on each GC very generous in fact, but its the time they spend and the interest the show in her that hurts me, and now she's noticing it, her too.

It's only recently DD has begun obviously noticing it, and the first time I lied and said we had already made plans to go to a friends which is why we couldn't go, the last couple of times I've made excuses. I shouldn't be excusing them or lying for them, it is really leaving a bad taste in my mouth when I do.

I will have one last try at a conversation with in laws, might do it with DH- but I don't want it to feel like an ambush, but I fear it will just go the way it always does.Blank stares, mutterings of "We don't know what you mean" ""we love them all the same" and the MIL goes cold for a few weeks and poor DH gets a ranty phone call from his Dad or his DB.If I was a betting woman, I'd put money on it

I really wanted to keep a close bond with her cousins from BIL and SIL BUT it has come clear that they possibly enjoy and are aware of their DC being the favourites, and whilst the time and money and focus is purely on them, they are quite happy for DD to be treated differently, and thats something I can't overlook. As I said before it's breeding resentment towards them, and thats not fair on the kids. .

I have to change things, it won't be easy, DH isn't in an easy position but DD and I are going to be taking a huge step back, and I'm going to have to accept I can't force them to spend time with her/treat her the same as the other GC. Which kills me, but I can't.

My family is big, on my side, they all adore DD from great Aunts and Uncles to my two sisters and DB, we don't all see each other all the time of course, but thoughtful little things like my Aunt coming to DD summer concert as my DM was at the hospital that day and couldn't go, mean everything (Yes I had asked MIL and FIL they couldn't come as they had the youngest GC for a sleepover and the youngest probably wouldn't sit through it, which is probably true)

As I said thanks to everyone who has replied, It's been reassuring to know, and also incredibly sad to know this isn't just my in laws, it goes on in other families too.

x

My mother did this with my sister's child. My sister couldn't have children so my mother had little to do with my children because of this. My sister then adopted a baby (6mnths now 4yrs) and my mother spoilt her rotten. That first Christmas my children were given £10 but the baby had over £1000 in presents. We went nc when that happened. We have zero family or friends outside of our house and it suits me fine.