What do you do when your In Laws treat one set of grandchildren so differently?

[TheWalkingTalkingRed]

I've posted about this before, but things just haven't got any better, and as DD is getting older she's noticing it, so I don't feel I can let things carry on as they are.

A bit of background, DD is our only child, and will likely be our only child. I work part time, and mostly from home so do bulk of childcare on my own. If I do need any, my Mum jumps in as she lives closest. DH has one DB who is married with 3 DC, he and SIL used to rely very heavily on our in laws for childcare, with the children often sleeping over at least once or twice a week. SIL no longer works but this is still a regular thing.

I have so many examples of how differently they treat our DD, but to keep it short these are the most recent:

FIL has been off work for the past 2 weeks (MIL is retired) They have taken the other grandchildren out several times, with SIL even going on a couple of outings. Also had all 3 DC for sleepovers. They haven't called or text or asked to see our DD once. DH rang the other day to ask if they would like to see our DD, his Mum text him to say that the only day she had free, she was getting her hair done, sorry.

When we went on holiday, my Mum gave DD some holiday spends, and called her to wish her a nice holiday. Nothing from in laws, now this might sound petty and would not have bothered me if BIL and SIl hadn't posted pics on Facebook of their DC a week or so late, on their holiday with a picture captioned "Spending Nana and Grandads holiday money wisely"

They couldn't come to see DD at her recent birthday, as they were looking after DBIL and SIL youngest child. However, FIL booked the day off for my nephews birthday a few weeks later and they all went to a local theme park.

There are so many more examples I could go on... and on...

DH has spoken to them in the past, but they aren't great at talking about difficult stuff, so they just literally just shut down and will sit there saying nothing., Then FIL phones DH and says you've upset your Mum etc I have talked to MIL she cries and says I'm making a fuss out of nothing.

I don't know whether I am and accept this is just the way they are, which DH says to do. He says they are the ones missing out and that they will regret it. But I also don't see why I should allow DD to be treated so poorly by them.

I'd love some advice on how to deal with this, I don't want to have a falling out with them but sadly I fear this is the way things will go if I can't get them to see what they are doing are start treating DD fairly

Hilarious We definitely don't drop in as much as BIL and SIL, I won't lie, they re there all the time, almost every weekend and it'll be all day.
We go every other weekend probably, but I'll text and so will DH or call.
DBIL and SIL are almost always there when we do go so to see them, its difficult to ever spend time with them just the four of us if that makes sense? As I think that would have helped forge a stronger relationship! I have always wanted that, for DD more than anything.

I know they can't spread their time fairly, I get that can't always be the case especially as BIL has 3 DC but if you are taking 3 of your grandkids out for the day when the other GC is just down the road, I'd just like them to think "Oh shall we take X" too.
They never do, they just don't seem to think to include her.

And you think that warrants how they are treating the child Hillarious?

The child. Not the DIL.

I’m guessing that your in-laws feel that your DD has the Grandparent role filled by your DM. You do say she always steps in, gives holiday spending money etc.
Does SIL not have a close relationship with her parents? Maybe they feel they want to be the prime Grandparents in that family because they can’t compete with your DM.

I have the same issue it's a bit harder here as its dsd who is fawned over and treated and my kids who are ignored and only seen on special occasions. I refuse to have anything to do with them anymore and it's caused many an argument with my OH. I will not have the children see that they are treated differently.
There are lots of things that have gone on it's not just the treatment of the kids it's them as they are not nice people.

I was one of 7 GC and possibly the least favourite...and I could tell!
I put my Nan firmly on the spot once though, she was a fabulous knitter and had just made two of my cousins (her favourites) really lovely jumpers and was proudly showing them off.
I asked her to make me one and she refused, saying the wool was too expensive, to which I replied 'but not too expensive for x and y?' She looked ashamed and did make a jumper. Which was itchy and horrible! I think she hexed it in retaliation I must have been 8 or 9 years old.

I've seen this from the other side - although my DB was my mother's favourite, she lived with me and was close to my two from the time they were born. So they were the Golden ones, she couldn't care less if she never saw my brother's children :( I used to be mortified at how obvious it was. If your PiL have constantly had your BiL's children to stay and to childmind they'll have a really close bond with them. It's shitty, but I don't think they'll ever feel as much for your child as they do for the other children.

I know you won't let this happen but do remind your dd that it is not her fault.

I had this with one grandparent not wanting to know me (nothing I did, I was 'punished' for something my Mum did'). As I kid I always wondered why I was not good enough to be loved but my cousins were. It can be very damaging.

I mean this in a kind way but sometimes life isn’t fair and it’s better to go with it than fight against it. It’s shit, they are being crap but sounds like your daughter has a great relationship with her other grandma, so focus on that and just dip in and out of the other grandparents - if you can help it there is no point falling out with them. If they don’t already get it and you’ve explained, it’s unlikely they’ll change. Your daughter will be a teen soon enough and her focus will be all about friends...

Honestly? I’d keep DD away from them as much as humanly possible. They obviously aren’t bothered about her, and making her see them is just going to do a number on her self-esteem. Surround her with people who love her and want to spend time with her. If your DH wants to see his parents, he can do it on his own.
If they ask (which I doubt), tell them why! “We love DD, she’s everything to us and we are not prepared to let you continue hurting her with your obvious ambivalence.”

This is so sad, how can they exclude a little girl like that? you are not being precious at all, it is upsetting and I can't fathom how anybody could do this, let alone grandparents! no advice, sorry, but just wanted to say YADNBU

I dont think theres much you can do.

dp's parents are the same,

they treat the eldest grandchild (16) like a queen, see her several times a week, drive her everywhere she NEVER has to get a bus. She has a mother who she lives with btw they just dote on her. Paid for the entirely of her most recent school trip (think a week abroad) and paid for everything for her prom. (this is dp's daughter who doesn't want to see us)

the younger 2 (13 and 2) they haven't seen in god knows how long. they saw 13yo when they were picking up 16yo to take her somewhere (he had not been invited)

think the last time they say 2yo was at his second birthday party in may where they came and played the doting grand parents to everyone else but spent 0 time with him, opened his presents (from everyone at the party) when me and dp were not in the room.

they're wankers and they'll never change.

Hilarious I am being as truthful as I can, and I think MIL have always got on well, really when DD was small for sure things have been a little more, I don't know distant perhaps? over the past couple of years as its become more and more noticeble how differently DD is treated.

And she is, its not just me that picks up on it, DD has now and other members of DH family

I not as precious as my OP possibly made me sound over the spending money on holiday (although it peeved me) I just want DD to be as much as a part of their family days out, a part of their family as the other DC, for her sake and their sake. Shes great but then I would say that...

DBIL has always been the favourite, its a fact he was a little naughty when me and DH first met, its easy to like him, he's great fun and a charmer and has his Mum wrapped around his finger.
DH is bloody lovely too, adores his Mum, so I know he finds this hard.

I honestly wanted a magical way to resolve this, i did.

I don't want to fall out with them, I lost my Dad weeks before DD was born, I want her to have a Grandiad, but one that wants to spend time with her as much as the others, it doesn't feel that way sadly.

My in-laws treat their daughter's children differently to their son's. I think it is because they are closer to their daughter and not their sons, so I do understand. But it does upset me sometimes.

PeakyPolly perhaps that could be the case? My DM and DD are very close but trust me when I say I would love her to have the same relationship with MIL. I was so close to both my GM so assumed it would be the same for DD.

SIL parents are divorced, close to both. See's her Mum quite regulary and her Dad. I always found it odd thogh, that since the start of ther relationship with my BIL xmas, NY and Easter etc have always been spent with my in laws, never alternated with her family like alternate with my Mum? So maybe an issue that I don't know about. Or they just know my Mil roasters are truly the best (but I shall never ever tell my Mum I said that)

Livingoncake

Honestly? I’d keep DD away from them as much as humanly possible.

This. I wouldn't allow my child to be exposed to that kind of favouritism.

I had a sil who made sure her dc were gps priority and they were too soft /scared /stupid to say anything.
I had the first dgc but a year later when her ds was born my ds was dumped.

I visited twice a week as had always done before and twice a week sil +her dc would flounce home.
We never did anything all together, ils never ever had mine or had them sleep - except the night we moved and they made it clear 7 am was chuck out time.
Sil dc slept every single weekend.
When me +h split I stopped seeing them. If he had them I am not sure how often they visited.
Back away is my advice. Your dd has a smashing dgm in your dm. More than enough!

I can't be doing with this sort of favouritism.

My paternal grandparents lived 15 minutes away from our cousins - children of my dad's brother. We lived 4 hours away. Perforce, we only saw our grandparents maybe one or 2 weeks a year, while our cousins could see them at least every week, if not more. There was an obvious closeness between my grandmother and my cousins, BUT she was never so horrible as to create such a difference between us. We couldn't tell of any difference in the way we were treated by our grandfather at all. That's how things should be.

My Dad has followed this pattern - only sees my DC once a year (apart from Skype) when we go back to the UK. He sees my sister's DC every week. You wouldn't know by his treatment of any of them that there was this difference.

My mum, if she were still alive, would probably be the same - one of my nieces is adopted, and my mum especially was adamant that she be treated exactly the same as all the other DGC, and she has been.

Who the fuck thinks it's ok to treat children like this?!

Sorry - just realised my last comment could be misconstrued - I mean who the fuck thinks it's ok to treat children the way the OP's DD has been treated?!

Beamur I'm sorry you had that relationship with your Grandma, it's crap, But can I just say your story made me laugh! What a brilliant quick retort from an 8 or 9 year old!

Could you assign a particular activity to MIL/DIL? Say that you have been thinking that it would be nice for DD to have some special time just her with them and how would they feel about taking her e.g. to ballet class/horse riding/gym/swimming every week as their special thing that they do with her.
If they decline, then I would say 'well, in that case please can you be careful to make sure that you include DD in all of the family things that you do with the other grandkids so she doesn't think you love them more than her...'

You can't force them to be more interested or involved, and your dh has tried to give them the message and they won't hear.
Your dh is right. Their choice. But what you get out of something tends to be equivalent to what you put in. I take it they won't be expecting the three of you (you, dh and dd) to dance attendance when they are older and less able.

Livingoncak You've just made me cry, but only because everything you've said is so spot on, The thing is she does struggle with her self esteem, she's an only child, she is a tomboy too and we do evrything we can to build it up for her.
But this won't be helping will it? If it's getting noticeable now, its only going to get worse and I can't do that to her.

Do you know whats going to upset me the most, is going to make me bubble with rage is that by backing off big time, they just won't notice or care.

I have no idea how it got this bad, I should have done something sooner.I just kept thinking they'd change.

Aprilshowersinaugust Are you me?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thankyou

Really feel for your dd OP. Agree with others that it might be best to back away, if your dh has already spoken to them and got no where, am not sure what else can be done.

I do understand, my PIL do love my dcs but at a distance. I always suspected that they were waiting for their own dd to have kids and then they could be more hands on gps. Unfortunately, for them this never happened and I do see that they regret not being closer to their only gcs especially as my parents have a lovely close relationship with them. There is nothing I can do about this now although I do feel like saying to them 'I told you so!'

This is starting with a siblings children and the gp. Before the latest grandchild arrived they would see our children at least once a week plus special occasions, so far this six weeks holiday they have barely seen them and one of which was a special occasion. They even cancelled a prior commitment with our children in favour of the latest grandchild. The sibling is around there pretty much every single day, it’s only going to get worse, I’m used to telling mine no they can’t do X with nanny as she’s out or busy with Y and I get met with an Againnnn from my children. Ultimately it will be the gps loss and the children will stop bothering to even ask or want to spend time with them, the favourite will only go eventually when they want something and the gp’s won’t have a worth while relationship with any of their gc.