What do you do when your In Laws treat one set of grandchildren so differently?

[TheWalkingTalkingRed]

I've posted about this before, but things just haven't got any better, and as DD is getting older she's noticing it, so I don't feel I can let things carry on as they are.

A bit of background, DD is our only child, and will likely be our only child. I work part time, and mostly from home so do bulk of childcare on my own. If I do need any, my Mum jumps in as she lives closest. DH has one DB who is married with 3 DC, he and SIL used to rely very heavily on our in laws for childcare, with the children often sleeping over at least once or twice a week. SIL no longer works but this is still a regular thing.

I have so many examples of how differently they treat our DD, but to keep it short these are the most recent:

FIL has been off work for the past 2 weeks (MIL is retired) They have taken the other grandchildren out several times, with SIL even going on a couple of outings. Also had all 3 DC for sleepovers. They haven't called or text or asked to see our DD once. DH rang the other day to ask if they would like to see our DD, his Mum text him to say that the only day she had free, she was getting her hair done, sorry.

When we went on holiday, my Mum gave DD some holiday spends, and called her to wish her a nice holiday. Nothing from in laws, now this might sound petty and would not have bothered me if BIL and SIl hadn't posted pics on Facebook of their DC a week or so late, on their holiday with a picture captioned "Spending Nana and Grandads holiday money wisely"

They couldn't come to see DD at her recent birthday, as they were looking after DBIL and SIL youngest child. However, FIL booked the day off for my nephews birthday a few weeks later and they all went to a local theme park.

There are so many more examples I could go on... and on...

DH has spoken to them in the past, but they aren't great at talking about difficult stuff, so they just literally just shut down and will sit there saying nothing., Then FIL phones DH and says you've upset your Mum etc I have talked to MIL she cries and says I'm making a fuss out of nothing.

I don't know whether I am and accept this is just the way they are, which DH says to do. He says they are the ones missing out and that they will regret it. But I also don't see why I should allow DD to be treated so poorly by them.

I'd love some advice on how to deal with this, I don't want to have a falling out with them but sadly I fear this is the way things will go if I can't get them to see what they are doing are start treating DD fairly

You can't change how they behave. Just ignore them and focus on your own family. Yes, it's tough for DD, but that's how life is sometimes. Make it as clear as you can that it's not her fault AT ALL.

Agree I need to stop making excuses for them, sometimes I jjust have no idea what to say to her when she asks "Why did Grandad and Grandma take x y and z to the zoo (example) and not me" when they've talked about it right in front of her. Because they are thoughtless arses is what I want to say

maybe not arses, but why not say "they are thoughtless"? Its the truth, she's old enough to understand.
Also when they talk about the zoo in front of her and you are there, I would say, pleasantly, "is there a particular reason dd isn't/wasn't invited? Room in the car? Because I can drop her off if you like". Smile.

It's not confrontational, but it doesn't leave them any room to dismiss it either. Do it every time.

I also think getting your DD to ask the awkward questions might make the situation resonate more with them. At least then they have to try and answer the questions of unfairness.

Just stop trying to make them be interested. Unfollow any of your in laws on social media so you can't see things that upset you. Let your partner deal with his family if they ask to see him or your little one. Only you can stop how you react to other people's actions.

Agree I need to stop making excuses for them, sometimes I jjust have no idea what to say to her when she asks "Why did Grandad and Grandma take x y and z to the zoo (example) and not me" when they've talked about it right in front of her. Because they are thoughtless arses is what I want to say

Just say that you don't know and don't understand it either, explain that it's hard to guess other peoples motivations so best way of finding out is to ask them directly. This will be useful to her in adult life too.

toomanychilder I will definitely do this!

Agree hearing the question "Why wasnt I asked etc" from DD, may make them think about ti a bit more, rather than it coming from me or DH

Thanks again all

I am angry on behalf of your DD. I'd really limit contact since it appears that nothing will actually change this dynamic.

This brings up so many memories of my childhood and that of my DC. I was the least liked of 5 DC, and paternal gran made it very clear. I will never forget the way she treated me, and yet fawned upon my sisters. For example, she would insist my grandfather scrubbed me in the sink before letting me in - yet DM had washed and dressed us all before taking us there. Horrible memories.

Fast forward to DH's parents. Not much interest in my DC. Well, not all grandparents are doting. Up to them. Until DSil had 2 children, slightly younger than mine. You would have thought she was the first person ever to have children, and it might as well have been 10 the way they carried on. "Oh, we are exhausted helping out poor GoldenChild, you know she has to cope with 2 DC and can't possibly manage on her own." "Poor, poor GoldenChild. It is just impossible having 2 DC." "You have no idea how difficult it is trying to get 2 ready and out the door so we just have to be there everyday." Em, yes. I actually do.

It hurt me more than I care to admit, and frankly I could not get my head around their choices. We did what we could to protect our DC from being hurt, and they had loads of love elsewhere. Upshot is my DC have no real feelings for either of them today. Quite uninterested, but polite.

for all hoping for better/fairer treatment.

If DBIL was and in fact still is the golden child then they are simply carrying this on with his DC. Stop thinking you can change a set up that's continued for ? 35 years. I think that these situations often stem from the GPS childhoods. Have a think about their relationships with siblings etc as they grew up.
My DM doted on my nephew, I have girls. But looking back I realised she had had one older sister, probable clashes there, that she loved her DF and didn't get on with her DM- could explain her doting on her DGS.
I'd make sure DD wasn't put in a position to be ignored or treated less well. STick with your lovely mum,. And stay off fb.

I suspect SIL is the DD MIL never had... her DC are the centre of attention and she and BIL are very happy to keep it that way!

We have this from both sides of our family! Our 4dc seem to be the ones treated differently on both sides. I used to try and hide it from the children and cover up bit now they are getting older they see things for themselves. I just answer honestly now, that I don't know or understand either but that there's nothing we can do. And I'm hoping it'll help make me a better/ fairer grandmother when the time comes!

I really feel for your daughter OP.
Why do relatives do this ?

My MIL was the same ,showed no interest in my kids then her daughter got pregnant ,she bought everything for that baby before he was even born.

When we visited MIL she would sit there telling us about all the stuff she had bought or where she had been with her other grandchild etc.

When my youngest was 2 I came home and said to my husband I will never take the kids round there again.....if MIL comes here she will be invited in and made ery welcome but I wasnt prepared to take my kids anywhere where they would be ignored.

MIL woud show up here about once a year.....I wish she had asked why I stopped going round because I would have told her.

I hope things improved OP.

Agree hearing the question "Why wasnt I asked etc" from DD, may make them think about ti a bit more, rather than it coming from me or DH

I wouldn't want to put a poor little child in that position. She already knows that she's being passed over, no need to rub her nose in it. They (PiL) won't feel bad, but she will :(

AlmaGeddon thats good advice. My Mum is lovely bless her. Now you mention it MIL law has a troubled relationship with her sisters. They no longer speak cpuld be an issue I guess?

I despair. No, don’t put your child through the humiliation of asking them or anything similar. People who behave like this to children - presumably to get at the parents for some reason - do not deserve to be tolerated or forgiven.

On the bright side, it is lovely that your daughter has a close bond with her other grandmother.

No, don’t put your child through the humiliation of asking them or anything similar

Yes much better that mum I saw complicit in the coverup ...... seriously though ..... the child knows and the GPS will become aware that she knows ..... therefore if they continue it's them that wrecks the relationship without involving her mother or father in the lies

Thankyou Rosewhitetips They are incredibly close.

I have always made excuses for PIL crappy behavipur or thoughtlessness in the past, if DD has ever asked, I thought the advice that hearing her question it herself might just shock them or shame them! I'm sure, that when DH or I have dared broach the subject in the past, they think we're making it up.

DD is all I care about in all this so will certainly give everything a lot of thought.

I really needed to hear some impartial thoughts on this, I think I've been living with it that long I was beginning to think I had perhaps built it up into something more so thanks to everyone for their input.

No advice OP but we have a similar situation.
In my case, MIL had only sons of her own and was desperate for a DGD. I disappointed her by having 2 DSs and then DBIL (my DH’s younger brother) finally had the long awaited DGD.
MIL went completely overboard in the excitement - having DGD over every weekend, constantly bringing her out and their house is full of things for her (she has her own room there etc). My DS2 (born just before DGD) was completely overlooked and DS1 even asked me once if they were his grandparents too or just hers.
MIL has hinted on more than one occasion that she knows what she’s doing but clearly doesn’t feel that she needs to change her behaviour. My attitude is that she’s entitled to do what she likes but she can’t really expect me to be happy about it. As a result, I’ve just pulled away from her because I and my DSs can do without this sort of favouritism.
I can’t really offer any explanation other than she’s obviously not that concerned about having a close relationship with us. This I do find it upsetting from time to time but it’s been so long now that mostly I just accept it as the way things are. You can’t necessarily change someone’s behaviour but you can change how you react to it. Now I just ignore the amount of time she spends with DGD rather than getting bothered over it and if she does ever offer to have my DC, buy them something etc, I say yes if it’s convenient but generally I don’t really make an effort with her anymore.

OP, I would distance myself from your inlaws and the cousins too (sadly). The fact your BIL and SIL aren't trying to even things out isn't a great sign.

Out of my cousins I was one of the three 'least favourites'. One of my cousins had her self esteem really badly damaged, and clearly carries with her that her family doesn't care. I had quite a bit of therapy.

We don't have it quite as bad but my In laws regularly have my Nieces and Nephew- make a big thing of it , out for tea etc, yet never ask for our boys

We like to hope there's a reason for it - they could think distance is an issue but we'd help with that.

They are doing what they did to your DH, your DD is the scape goat.

Is it feasable for your DH to just “pop in when he is passing” (obviously he would not really just be passing but....) with your DD at “teatime” for example, to spend the odd 45 minutes at irregular times.....to observe how they are interacting with DD (hopefully welcoming and with kindness)...and then see if the situation improves after more frequent contact?

Maybe give it a month or so?
X

This thread brought up a lot of memories.

My niece was my mothers golden grandchild. This was made harder by the fact that they lived in a different country to us. If commented on my mother always said " it was hard they are so far away " (they being my 4) So to begin with I took that and was careful not to comment too much. However one Christmas we went over and spend it with my sister her then partner and my niece plus my mother and stepdad. At one point my then 5 year old came over to me as I was cooking wanting me to play .. I said. " why dont you go spend time w grandma?" She looked at me and said with complete acceptance on her face " No she would rather spend time with "niece name" " That was the day I decided to go low contact with my mother. We had travelled for 18 hours to get to be with them for Christmas and she still managed to make my children feel 2nd best..

My dad and stepdad both were close to my niece but not once have I felt there was a difference in how they treated the children when together.

My lovely lovely MIL however had 8 grandchildren. Believed they where the most amazing creations that ever stood on this earth and anyone who didn't agree with her were fools.. My 4 had a loving close relationship with her. As did the other 4 grandchildren..

At her funeral earlier this year there was 8 people stood near each other ranging in age 14 to 32 all crying their eyes out as they said bye to their beloved grandma..

I want to be that sort of grandma when it comes to my turn.. The one who made all the grandchildren feel like they were the most special amazing people and the one who made them all know for certain they were loved.

(and Oh how much I miss her)

I have no advice op. For me I went low contact never outright called her out on it as she would only have turned it around and blamed me for moving away. For my sanity the low contact had to happen.. These days I call my dad and I speak w him every second Thursday. My stepdad and I text once to twice a month and call here and there. They are both interested in what my children are doing. Both close to my niece but do not seem to think she is the golden child. Thats kinda all I want.

I would have to broach it with MIL. I would say to her "I wonder, could I ask your advice on something?" When she is preening herself to give this wonderful advice I would say "Can you advise me on what to say to my child when she is asking why you aren't including her on things you do with the other grandchildren? Because it's upsetting her and I don't know the reason so I thought I would find out what you want me to tell her".
Spiteful gits. Your poor DD. Thank goodness she has your lovely Mum.

poor you OP and poor DD. I am at the later stage of this dynamic (my DDs are almost 22 and 19), the golden grandchildren are almost 21 and 17.

It started after the birth of SIL's first, and all became more and more apparent as the children grew up and mine did not fit the 'perfect child' mode. Then SIL divorced and our DDs were suddenly non-existent. FIL would take the cousins on theatre trips, museum trips, lunches out etc etc - nothing for mine. Significant disparity on pressies at Xmas and birthdays.

My girls are not stupid, they've seen it from an early age and asked questions and I have always been pretty honest with them. The result now is that they couldn't give a flying fuck about Granny and Grandad, to the point that they'd rather do their uni holidays grunt jobs than see their grandparents. I have neither encouraged or discouraged their attitude... but PIL reap what the sow in my experience.

(interesting point above about PIL sibling relationships: my MIL hates her sister and I would say has actively tried to foster sibling hatred between my two!)