What do you do when your In Laws treat one set of grandchildren so differently?

[TheWalkingTalkingRed]

I've posted about this before, but things just haven't got any better, and as DD is getting older she's noticing it, so I don't feel I can let things carry on as they are.

A bit of background, DD is our only child, and will likely be our only child. I work part time, and mostly from home so do bulk of childcare on my own. If I do need any, my Mum jumps in as she lives closest. DH has one DB who is married with 3 DC, he and SIL used to rely very heavily on our in laws for childcare, with the children often sleeping over at least once or twice a week. SIL no longer works but this is still a regular thing.

I have so many examples of how differently they treat our DD, but to keep it short these are the most recent:

FIL has been off work for the past 2 weeks (MIL is retired) They have taken the other grandchildren out several times, with SIL even going on a couple of outings. Also had all 3 DC for sleepovers. They haven't called or text or asked to see our DD once. DH rang the other day to ask if they would like to see our DD, his Mum text him to say that the only day she had free, she was getting her hair done, sorry.

When we went on holiday, my Mum gave DD some holiday spends, and called her to wish her a nice holiday. Nothing from in laws, now this might sound petty and would not have bothered me if BIL and SIl hadn't posted pics on Facebook of their DC a week or so late, on their holiday with a picture captioned "Spending Nana and Grandads holiday money wisely"

They couldn't come to see DD at her recent birthday, as they were looking after DBIL and SIL youngest child. However, FIL booked the day off for my nephews birthday a few weeks later and they all went to a local theme park.

There are so many more examples I could go on... and on...

DH has spoken to them in the past, but they aren't great at talking about difficult stuff, so they just literally just shut down and will sit there saying nothing., Then FIL phones DH and says you've upset your Mum etc I have talked to MIL she cries and says I'm making a fuss out of nothing.

I don't know whether I am and accept this is just the way they are, which DH says to do. He says they are the ones missing out and that they will regret it. But I also don't see why I should allow DD to be treated so poorly by them.

I'd love some advice on how to deal with this, I don't want to have a falling out with them but sadly I fear this is the way things will go if I can't get them to see what they are doing are start treating DD fairly

The thing is nothing you can do (or could have done) will change anything. Some people are dysfunctional. It could be they are doing it to punish your DH or they are punishing you. The point is if it's gone on this long they have made their decision and are unlikely to suddenly feel differently.

As others have said what goes around comes around. Bless in our case we had DC first and they had a great relationship. Then SIL had hers and ours were discarded. Not sure which is worse. Your scenario or ours..

I think it’s worse when a child once shown the love and attended suddenly gets dropped because they are normally at an age where they notice. If they have never had the extra love and attention it’s their normal.

My oldest hates the new gc for the change it has brought around so also ruined a possible cousin relationship.

Chocatoo That is a good idea. And we asked for the first two weeks of the school holidays if they could have her for an afternoon and they did to be fair, but it was never on her own. The younger two DGC were with them.
It trailed off after we got back from holiday, as they haven't been in touch with us for a fortnight and when DH asked if they could see DD this week MIL is busy.

I could try and think of something at the weekends for the three of them? But I just know they will never fully commit, as BIL and SIL and DC are there so much at weekends.

Your response if they decline is absolutely perfect BTW

Stop making excuses for them!

I'd say to DD when she asks 'I don't know, why don't you ask grandma?'

Then she can speak up for herself rather than you seething

My DD dis just that at 6 when she asked me rather loudly 'why does GP have all photos of X but none of us?'

Suitable embarrassed GP who dug out and displayed photos.

But the same X always there out kids never got a look in, when we visited we were expected to go watch X play football etc as it 3 kids want to stand out in the cold watching favoured child kick a ball about!! It was laughable

Don’t you worry about your DD - she’s got you in her corner and good relationships with other family members.

Once my mother-in-law came to stay with us with one of her DGC - our very lovely nephew. She took him on an outing to something that my DD was really into and which we had all talked about a lot. She took him while my DD was at school so, fair enough, DD couldn’t go with them. But when they came back, mil had bought him loads of stuff to do with it. Nothing for DD.

I remember the look of scorn that crossed my DD’s face. It wasm’t about the money, it was about the lack of care. I felt sad that DD saw it for what it was but I was also proud of her. It’s mil’s loss completely.

Ah op, I can totally sympathise with you. My 3 dc don't get any time or effort from their paternal grandparents either and it's really upsetting my eldest dd. Me and Mil had a very rocky relationship when dd was little. Dd has a complex medical condition and Mil was adamant she knew best how to manage her medication and physiotherapy despite strict rules from dd's consultant. We had many tense conversations over the years. I realised that there was no point in talking to her about any of it because she just wanted to be in control and had serious issues with us not allowing her to make decisions for our dd. My sil then went on the have dc and they are her whole world. They stay at her house all the time and she does loads with them. Sil is very happy to let Mil raise her children and make the decisions about how they are brought up so my Mil loves it. Bil also has children and my Mil looks after them twice a week while sil works. But Mil isnt the one in control and she doesn't seem too keen on these grandchildren. Whenever we see her she constantly moans about bil kids and talks about how wonderful sil kids are it's shocking.

My dd is older now and regularly gets upset about how little time her grandmother sees her. Despite all the upset when dd was little we have always encouraged Mil to spend time with the dc. She even called a few months ago to say she felt like she doesn't see dc enough and wants to make more effort. She came over once, hardly bothered with the kids and hasn't mentioned spending any time with them since. I couldn't care less if my Mil is missing out but i feel so heartbroken for my dd who desperately wants a small amount of Mil time and effort but can't have it because Mil is too busy with the other grandchildren. I have no solution sorry, we are yet to find our way through this situation but you have my sympathies op. It is really horrible knowing someone is upsetting your child and it's even worse when that people are family.

I think it's natural that grandparents will be closer with the grandchildren they see more often. But this doesn't mean they have to treat them differently around things like presents, holiday spending money etc. That's unfair and cruel when the children are old enough to notice a difference.

I don't know what you can do about it though OP, as it sounds as though they are in denial. I don't think they will listen to any criticism at all and will just go on the defensive.

I like the idea about telling Mil that your daughter would really like to see her more and suggesting a weekly activity with her - something organised in advance that they can do together so that she can't get out of it but not sure if she would agree to that?

Otherwise if you think it is the Mil driving this, could you do the same thing with fil instead? Might work if she is a tomboy to find an activity they can both do (fishing or somthing?) and build her relationship with him first rather than concentrating on Mil?

Only other thing I was thinking of is getting your husband to have a chat with bil and explain how your daughter is feeling and ask if he could try and get them to include her more. If it comes from him (and I think he'd have to avoid telling Mil that your husband had spoken to him) then she might go for it if she thinks he's the golden child. He could sell it as building the relationships between the cousins?

It's really upsetting reading this - my children are in their twenties and if I was lucky enough to have grandchildren in the future I just can't imagine treating them differently. I was going to say it would be like treating your own children differently, but of course that's what your ILs did with their boys, isn't it?

Despite the cardigan (and other incidents) I actually loved my Nan very much and we did have a nice relationship. She had fallen out big style with my Mum (DIL) when I was born, which may have been a factor!
However, over the years Mum and Nan were also reconciled and I wasn't scarred by the experience, my Nan did love me and I was not burdened with the expectations of the golden grandchildren (who sometimes found her adoration a bit much).

My PiL are the same. They live 5 minutes away but will easily go a number of months without seeing my youngest 2. Contrast this with how distraught they are if SiL collects niece 20 minutes early - they have her a minimum of 2 days a week, often at weekends and often overnight. Oh, and they take her to paid for activities too which they pay for. I totally get how this can make you feel antagonistic towards BiL. It's hugely unfair but sadly you cannot force relationships and if there's no connection, no good will come of pressing the issue. As long as you never prevent the opportunity, you've done your job.

i agree with greentulips, get DD to ask Grandma or she can say "I would have liked to go there" when they rattle on about all their trips out. Might embarrass Grandma into realising what she is doing.

Yes golden child SIL here as well so that explains a lot. Also distance is not necessarily a factor. SIL lives abroad and MIL still managed to see her DC more than her son's DC who were 20 mins away by car.

When it's that blatant you give up

Trouble is she is older now and could do with some help unfortunately SIL is still abroad so no real practical help available from her. What a shame she dumped us eh?

You cannot change how other people behave, you need to change your response and reaction to them.

They are the ones missing out..I agree with your DH on that point.

Ignore the social media or hide their posts/message feeds.

Your PILS don't want to change . It's been brought to their attention and yet they continue.

I'd disengage and pull back from them.

It's not always differences between families; my mil only liked our eldest daughter, no time at all for youngest, and made it very obvious!

And I'm not sure I would encourage DC to make requests or coach them to say anything. They stand to be disappointed again when it doesn't work and exposing them like that seems wrong to me. I'd keep the dialogue between the adults personally.

I think they are being horrible and unfair. Unless they are in their dotage, they must be aware of their behaviour. I cannot understand such nastiness at all and can suggest no acceptable explanation for it - because there is none.
I’m afraid I would be severing contact with them. They know what they are doing.

So you’re saying it’s the OPs fault the PILs treat the grandchildren differently then Hillarious

It may not be here, but I think sometimes it is. My SIL would tell you that my children are favoured by MIL over hers, and she is bothered by it, says how unfair it is. But she conveniently forgets that while I went out of my way to visit PIL with the children, to ask PIL to lunch, or school events, or days out, she only called when she wanted babysitting, most of the time. Mine were sent to PIL for sleepovers to faciliate the relationship with their GP's, not when I needed them looking after (most of the time).
Even with all that MIL makes sure to try and treat them exactly the same when she sees them, down to counting sweets to make sure no-one gets the same! But if you listened to SIL you would think MIL a mean woman who spent time with one set and not the other for no good reason.

(and in reality its her 2 daughters babies she favours by far anyway!!)

I think the fact you have both spoken to them and they have taken it as a criticism (you have upset your mother) as opposed to a we didn't realise this was happening, is it really.

What else can you do? I would not follow your DBIL/SIL on Facebook and if asked I would say, its hurtful to see all the activities that DD is not included. I would back off now. Build up your DD relationship with other Granny. What about Aunts/Godparents? Your in-laws are not adding to your DDs life. There is plenty of time to learn that life isn't fie and. Or every one is going is to love you as much you love then but for a 10 year to get that from her grandparents. It seems cruel. I wouldn't want it to continue. You don't have to cause a scene. Or fall out. But stop flogging a dead horse.

Sorry for the above pressed post instead of edit - At 10 you should not be taught life isn't fair, and not every will love you the way you love them by your Grandparents.

It happens and there's not much you can do except stopping making excuses for them.
If your DD asks why GPs didn't take her, say "I honestly don't know sweetie, ask GP?"

My mother is second of five siblings, four close in age and one surprise late baby, only a few years older than first grandchild. Until the youngest uncle started his own family, all grandchildren were treated equally as much as possible - some lived far away but came for holidays, local ones visited more often but there was no favourite. There were outings for everyone interested, playing with cousings and gifts for all.
This suddenly changed when youngest uncle had his first baby. Suddenly the eight older children might as well have disappeared. I was 14-ish when I heard my GF say he only has two grandchildren (of 10 he had by the time). The relationship just broke down.
I haven't seen or talked to my GF in 25+ years.

I'd say to DD when she asks 'I don't know, why don't you ask grandma?

This.

AmIright Yes! Defensive and denial are spot on for describing how they react if we try to talk to them about it. They honestly can't see what they are doing as being wrong in any way.

The time they spend with the other DGC doesn't bother me as much as the utter thoughtlessness of them when it comes to including DD. How can you plan days out with 3 DGC and not remember her? or think she'd like to go?

It infuriates my Mum even more than me I think, she thinks SIL may be a driving force behind it too, because I have broached it with her in the past and she says how much it bothers her, and annoys her but will then talk about how they've all gone here together, how they had a lovely meal here together, How MIL said she missed x u and z (her DC) when they were away,

DH has broached it with his DB in the past but he is very very defensive about his Mum, he just says she loves them all the same,

I think coming at it from the cousins view is a good way, sadly in my heart I don't think much will change but I'll know that I have done everything from my side, so I'll never have that thrown back at me in the future.

Thanks for everyone's replies, and sorry to those who have experienced similar.I'm not alone in this it seems, it's such a shame.

I know I'm flogging a dead horse deep down, and I know that nothing I do will change their ways, they honestly can't see anything they have done is wrong. I think I have some issues with DD being a only child, and that by backing away from them I'm costing her part of her family - if that makes sense? No that they seem to be bothered if they see her regularly or not anyway!

I adore my Neices and Nephews and they are close to DD so don't want that to change and I do worry that it will if I distance DD from the in laws. DBIL is such a mummysboy - he admits it! He would be very defensive if I came to him and said what I was doing and why, he would straight up say "That's not fair on my Mum"

I have tried to include them, I have tried to get them to treat our DD the same, but I'm sure there are things I could have done differently, perhaps its me they don't like, even if thats the case they shouldn't forget they have our girl as a GC. She's worth more than how they currently treat her.

Agree I need to stop making excuses for them, sometimes I jjust have no idea what to say to her when she asks "Why did Grandad and Grandma take x y and z to the zoo (example) and not me" when they've talked about it right in front of her. Because they are thoughtless arses is what I want to say....

I think she's old enough to start asking them those questions herself - let them try to talk their way out of that!

Your DD is also nearly old enough to see her cousins without any parental input, so as long as you keep that line of communication open,, she and at least the oldest of her cousins can make their own choices soon enough.

Heartbreaking though.