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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL is just lazy..?

114 replies

Silissues · 23/08/2018 13:34

Bit concerned that Dbro's OH is being taken advantage of.

They DBro and SIL have a 4 yr old with ASD. She gets DLA and carer's allowance for her. SIL doesn't work (DBro works 50 + hours per week) and SIL is a PT student, changing to FT this Autumn when their DD starts school so will no longer receive carer's allowance I assume. I don't think they are entitled to any other benefits.

Depsite long hours at his job, they are just about scraping by. SIL refusing to look for a job because she wants to finish her course. It's with OU so why she can't study in the evening I don't know. Their house is always a mess too.

AIBU to think she should get a job to help DBro out? Should I say something to him?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 13:36

No.

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 23/08/2018 13:38

Do up you have any idea how exhausting being a parent to an ASD child can be? How draining, how miserable and alone you can feel sometimes?
If the answer is no then you have no right to say anything at all.
But you could offer her some support though.

My child is ASD, he's a teen, I don't work and I'm always exhausted from the mental load.

DitsyAndTheGang · 23/08/2018 13:38

None of your business. A full time course is called full time for a reason. Part time plus a kid with special needs must be hard enough as it is, and I bet she does already study in the evenings.

Sirzy · 23/08/2018 13:39

Have you any experience of caring for an autistic child?

annielouisa · 23/08/2018 13:40

Why should carers allowance stop? There will be many hours that DN is not at school that they will need to be cared for. What is SIL studying is it going to lead to a career that will eventually benefit the family?

Padparadscha · 23/08/2018 13:40

Goodness, MN really opens my eyes to the amount of nosey beggars in the world that need to learn to mind their own bloody business!

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/08/2018 13:40

Are you serious?!

Knittedfairies · 23/08/2018 13:41

Your SIL may continue to receive Carer’s Allowance if she looks after her daughter for at least 35 hours.
None of your business though.

Notquiteagandt · 23/08/2018 13:41

This is surely a reverse?

Loonoon · 23/08/2018 13:41

Why would you interfere in another couple’s relationship? Has your brother asked for your opinion or your intervention?

Unless there is a massive back story that you have not revealed I think you should stay well out of this.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 23/08/2018 13:42

Mind your own business. I have a child at school with autism, and the sheer number of hours I spend at the school, at meetings, or trying to calm her down and back into class, or just picking her up when she is excluded again, as well as the many hospital appointments make it completely impossible for me to hold down a job. My house is a mess because while I am tiding one room, dd and her younger brother, also asd, are destroying another. I am also a part time student with the ou and find it very hard to study in the evenings because I am completely wiped out with dealing with my children and knowing it doesn't stop, they will be up during the night. You have no idea of the reality of living with autism day in day out. And judgy in laws really don't help

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/08/2018 13:42

No. ASD children are so exhausting to care for and on top of that she’s studying. It’s also very short sighted for her to change her path now. She’s doing the right thing long term, for her and her family.
Sometimes houses slip, considering her child is ASD and she’s trying to better herself for her family then I’m sure you can afford some empathy to the situation

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2018 13:43

Meow!

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/08/2018 13:44

Sorry op, but I agree with pp's - seriously?!

brassbrass · 23/08/2018 13:48

Just in case none of the previous posts are hitting home - it's absolutely none of your business. You sound like a nightmare SIL, butt out. They sound like they have a lot on their plate already and the last thing they need is a judgy shit stirrer wading in.

TatterdemalionAspie · 23/08/2018 13:48

Is it International Pretend To Be A Complete Cunt Day today?

AnnieOH1 · 23/08/2018 13:49

Or she's finally looking forward to having a little bit of time to herself after I assume 4 or 5 years of caring for a rather ill child? Unless you've been there you can't comment on it. I assume the OU course is going to improve her employment prospects in the future? I assume she wants to give her all to it so that she succeeds and then perhaps in a few years once she's got the degree and her new job perhaps she'll be saying to you "you know something, your brother might've gone out to work but it was always me with our child. It was down to me to study and get this new job, why can't he do it? I've juggled being a carer with being a student, and he's just carried on as normal. We're getting a divorce because him and his family can't see what a lazy sh*t he's been or how hard I've worked for our family because at the time it didn't end in a pay check. Well now it does, so byeee!".

WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 23/08/2018 13:49

Oh I forgot to say, she may not stay in a job very long when she gets phone calls at work because her child has been excluded/had a meltdown and needs collecting, has to have weekly school meetings, has to call in and say her child is school refusing that day...

There's a reason many of us with kids with SN don't work, we'd love to have more money and a fulfilling career but some of us can't, see above for the reasons why.

Tanith · 23/08/2018 13:51

Tell you what, Op: you take a week off work and take over from your SIL, just to show her how it's done.

actualpuffins · 23/08/2018 13:53

SIL doesn't sound remotely lazy. She is caring for a disabled child and studying part time. Whereas you, OP? What do you do with your time that is so critical to the world other than bitching on MN?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 23/08/2018 13:54

my brother used to phone me up when I was a single parent pf twins under two, with a part time evening job, to tell me how lazy I was, and how I should be working 50 hours a week and paying someone else to look after my children, What a tool.

you would get on well with him.

youarenot · 23/08/2018 13:59

Having children, especially children with ASD is exhausting, financially, emotionally & mentally...

Add ASD in to the mix, all the appointments this entails (We had 11 hearing tests for my son before they could get a result from one hear, 2 more then on the 15th they agreed to take previous results combined with the 15th to state no issues with hearing - all because he would not interact and 'conform') the issues with having to make sure things are kept in the routine the child NEEDS etc then yes, the household tasks may be left to one side for a while, yes financially things may be difficult.

Alternatively, she can get a full time job, pay YOU the £64 a week (carers allowance) to care for her child the amount of time she does AND expect you to also make sure her house is to your perfect standards.. perhaps this would make you feel more empathy.

WizardOfToss · 23/08/2018 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambamber · 23/08/2018 14:01

Just need a thread from your sil:

'In thinking SIL is just an absolute asshole'

Creeper8 · 23/08/2018 14:01

I still get carers allowance for my dd even though she is at school.