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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL is just lazy..?

114 replies

Silissues · 23/08/2018 13:34

Bit concerned that Dbro's OH is being taken advantage of.

They DBro and SIL have a 4 yr old with ASD. She gets DLA and carer's allowance for her. SIL doesn't work (DBro works 50 + hours per week) and SIL is a PT student, changing to FT this Autumn when their DD starts school so will no longer receive carer's allowance I assume. I don't think they are entitled to any other benefits.

Depsite long hours at his job, they are just about scraping by. SIL refusing to look for a job because she wants to finish her course. It's with OU so why she can't study in the evening I don't know. Their house is always a mess too.

AIBU to think she should get a job to help DBro out? Should I say something to him?

OP posts:
missbattenburg · 23/08/2018 14:03

To be a part time student for most degree level courses, requires study time of between 15-20 hours per week. That's not just a bit of study in the evening. That's 2-3 hours every single night, all week.

To do so FT is around 35 hours a week or 5 hours a day.

Regardless, why on earth would you treat your brother like a child and try and "fix" his life for him. He is an adult who has made his own decisions about his partner and family. He is entitled to do whatever he thinks is best for them all and - presumably - along with his wife, this is what they have chosen.

The only thing you will achieve by speaking to him is to make it clear you don't approve of his choices and risk alienation and arguments.

haba · 23/08/2018 14:06

How many children with ASD do you have?

My eldest didn't sleep through for six and a half years. I had to go to bed at 7 in the evening just to get enough sleep (in chunks between wakings) to function. Yes my house was a bit messy. Hmm

Do you think that she will keep a job, bearing in mind how short the school day is, how many weeks holiday there are, and how many appointments (gp, hospital, therapy, camhs) most children with ASD have?

DolorestheNewt · 23/08/2018 14:06

No, you shouldn't say anything. She's planning to study full time, having combined part time study with caring for a child with ASD. I can't imagine what your definition of lazy is, but if you think that a full time OU degree is something that you can just do in the evenings alongside paid work, I'm not terribly interested.

Theresnodisneyending · 23/08/2018 14:08

None of your bloody business. YABVU, and deserve Judgiest Judger of the Day Award.

helforddreams · 23/08/2018 14:08

I had three boys with ASD (now adult) and did not work outside of the home while they were young...I bet people thought I was such a lazy cow....you can have no idea how exhausting it can be! Same thing now I am a foster carer. Someone said to me the other day "Oh, you don't work"...no, at the moment in the school holidays I work 168 hours a week FFS!!

BlueBug45 · 23/08/2018 14:10

OP if she is studying with the OU she will still be counted as studying PT. However she will be doing more modules so more hours of study which will help her to finish her degree earlier. However the flexibility of the OU means she will be able to go to school to deal with her child's, your niece's, meltdowns and deal with the her medical appointments.

Theresnodisneyending · 23/08/2018 14:11

When the hell did it become so bad that you judge another woman for trying to give herself an education, ffs. You are not her, or your brother. You have no idea what their life is like. Jesus Christ, "their house is so messy", urgh, I despise women like you.

notsohippychick · 23/08/2018 14:12

I’m so angry with you OP I’m holding back all the swear words I can because quite frankly you are an arse.

I have two children with ASD. Do you have the slightest idea what caring for a child with ASD involves?

You function on limit sleep, have to plan your day to a fine degree, not to mention the meltdowns. Amoungst ither things.

Why don’t you offer to help instead of posting judgemental threads on here.

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 14:14

If dbro hasn’t walked away by now or told her things need to change then he must be ok with it. It’s really not your place to intervene.

raisedbyguineapigs · 23/08/2018 14:17

If your brother is any kind of decent man he'd tell you to piss off. She had an autistic 4 year old and is studying, presumably so that in the future she can contribute financially. Is he complaining to you or are you just overinvested in your brothers life? What do you think is going to be achieved by you telling your brother his wife is lazy when she is a carer for a disabled 4 year old for all the time you're dbro is at work and is also studying part time? Well your dbro be coming home to put an autistic 4 year old to bed and looking after her while she studies? Maybe you can volunteer if you're so worried?

Goldmandra · 23/08/2018 14:17

I received carers allowance and DLA for DD2 while she was at residential school Monday to Friday so there's no reason why either should stop.

YABU but I actually think it's better that you checked on here first, rather than just wading in so I'm not going to lay into you.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/08/2018 14:18

Speaking from experience, even part time study with the OU involves a lot of time and concentration, and I didn't have young children, let alone any with ASD.

chocatoo · 23/08/2018 14:18

You should definitely not say anything! Keep your beak out of their business!

Nodnol · 23/08/2018 14:18

If this isn’t a reverse then you are a completely judgmental and horrible bitch.

Parenting a child with ASD is a full time, unrelenting slog. You live on a hair trigger, hoping that your kid will get to school that day or through the grocery shop without too much discomfort. Then there’s the different appointments and therapy to juggle. And she still somehow manages to fit in study.

Sod off.

Whatuip · 23/08/2018 14:18

I have a child with ASD. It's mentally, physical, emotionally draining.

I work full time. I am on my fucking knees. I mean, literally. I am so exhausted, my mental health is in a shocking state. I feel I'm constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown and I cannot cope. I need the money, I need to keep going, I need to keep thinking so we can survive.

On the outside though, everything is fine and dandy. People don't know. People don't see it. The struggle is all behind closed doors.

You have no fucking idea what their life is like. Your post is ignorant and makes a mockery of what parents and caregivers like us battle through every single day of our lives.

And yes, you've hit a very raw nerve with me Angry

SlipperySlipper · 23/08/2018 14:20

Have you ever tried finding decent childcare for a child with ASD?

SlipperySlipper · 23/08/2018 14:20

(That was to the OP by the way)

Bluntness100 · 23/08/2018 14:21

This can't be real, no one is this judgemental and instructive.

I mean seriously WTAF have I just read?

ScattyCharly · 23/08/2018 14:21

Anyone taking care of an autistic 4yo is not lazy, regardless of anything else. Believe me, I’ve done it. People think I’m lazy, they don’t understand autism.

Bluntness100 · 23/08/2018 14:21

Intrusive!

Emmageddon · 23/08/2018 14:22

Instead of telling your brother you think his wife is a lazy arse, why don't you get off your judgmental backside and offer to help get the house tidy? Or take the child out for the day so they can have some quality time together?

I'm not sure I want to believe this thread - it's horrifying to think someone so lacking in compassion and empathy exists.

SauvignonBlanche · 23/08/2018 14:23

AIBU to think she should get a job to help DBro out? Yes
Should I say something to him? No, mind your own fucking business.

Jeezoh · 23/08/2018 14:23

Just waiting for the OP to return drip feed all the reasons she didn’t put in her first post about how her SIL takes advantage of her brother Hmm

MrsJayy · 23/08/2018 14:24

Op maybe you should spend a few days caring for a child with complex needs see how lazy you feel. Their finances and life have nothing to do with you zilch.

Nodnol · 23/08/2018 14:25

I'm not sure I want to believe this thread - it's horrifying to think someone so lacking in compassion and empathy exists.

I bet the op is one of those real gems that doesn’t think the “kid has it that bad- look, she talks”.