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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking SIL is just lazy..?

114 replies

Silissues · 23/08/2018 13:34

Bit concerned that Dbro's OH is being taken advantage of.

They DBro and SIL have a 4 yr old with ASD. She gets DLA and carer's allowance for her. SIL doesn't work (DBro works 50 + hours per week) and SIL is a PT student, changing to FT this Autumn when their DD starts school so will no longer receive carer's allowance I assume. I don't think they are entitled to any other benefits.

Depsite long hours at his job, they are just about scraping by. SIL refusing to look for a job because she wants to finish her course. It's with OU so why she can't study in the evening I don't know. Their house is always a mess too.

AIBU to think she should get a job to help DBro out? Should I say something to him?

OP posts:
ColaCubez · 23/08/2018 14:27

She looks after a child with ASD
She looks after the home
She's studying to further her career to benefit the family's finances for the long-term

Yeah, fucking lazy as fuck. What a bitch. She should totally get a job to add to all that stuff she's already not doing. I mean, she could cut-out sleeping and get her arse to work!

YABVVVU OP, I'm glad you're not my nosey interfering busy-body SIL.

PegLegAntoine · 23/08/2018 14:28

R E V E R S E
Find out what it means to me...

SoSobored · 23/08/2018 14:31

Maybe you could ask your brother and his wife if they need any help?!

This thread made me cry btw. I also have a child with ASD

BertrandRusselI · 23/08/2018 14:34

None of your beeswax.

KickAssAngel · 23/08/2018 14:36

I really hope this is a reverse, and that the SIL is now reading loads of posts about how hard working she is. Amazing how a bunch of strangers 'get it' more than the alleged OP.

The govt isn't known for handing out benefits easily. If SIL is getting DLA & carer's allowance then the family needs that money, desperately.

Working as a FT carer is significantly more than 50 hours a week - I hope your DBro is not a lazy arse and fully supports his wife when he's home as well as doing a good share of his responsibility as a parent to a child with a disability.

Anyone who can even contemplate a FT degree and caring for a child with a disability to a fucking superhero, doing more hours than most top execs. in high income jobs.

The cost of replacing the work that SIL does would be astronomical - several hundred thousand pounds a year. I'm guessing your brother isn't earning at least a million pounds a year, so she's actually contributing more financially than he is.

To sum up: SIL works more hours, provides more financial input, takes a greater emotional toll, AND is doing a degree. Not lazy.

I'm just wondering if she's cloned herself to cope with all of this!

(Shout out to all of us on this thread who live the life of raising a kid with a disability AND hold their shit together, or even if we just make it through the day)

LoisWilkerson1 · 23/08/2018 14:38

Please leave her alone. She probably feels shit as it is. Studying and childcare is not easy.

SittingAround1 · 23/08/2018 14:41

If you would like to help your brother perhaps offer to babysit for them. What do you think you could say to him that would possibly help ?

It sounds like your SIL is trying to improve her employment options for the future when her child is older and more independant.

It can't be easy for either of the parents.

eggsandwich · 23/08/2018 14:43

As a mother of a young adult with autism and severe learning difficulties I would be really pissed off if someone who doesn’t walk in my shoes 365 days a year tried to tell me that I’m lazy and should get a job.

I’ll tell you what you can do, look after the child for a week and we’ll see how you then feel about what you’ve said.

You can’t possibly understand what it’s like for her, yeah you possibly visit and think you know, but in the nicest possible way unless your going to give any productive help to her do SHUT UP and KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT.

BikingBeatrix · 23/08/2018 14:47

This has nearly rendered me speechless - but not quite. OP, please just fuck off, learn to mind your own business, and be bloody glad you don’t have a child with autism. My child with autism is 20 now and we still get disturbed nights - but the whole situation is so much more straightforward than when he was 4. I think your SIL is being very sensible - getting a degree will hopefully mean she can earn money when her child is more settled (though of course not all children with autism necessarily improve with age). And meantime the degree is something for her. I repeat, do just butt out, OP.

Tomatoesrock · 23/08/2018 14:52

Offer some help and support if you want get involved, Otherwise keep out of it, it is not place to decide how their relationship should work.

If your Dbro has a problem he should talk to her about it.

YeTalkShiteHen · 23/08/2018 14:55

Benefits bashing AND slating the mother of a child with ASN in the same thread. Hmm

OP I have 3 autistic children, and if anyone took the tone you took about your SIL with me I wouldn’t be two minutes handing their arse to them.

Wind your neck in, mind your own fucking business and stop being such a wanker.

Feefeetrixabelle · 23/08/2018 14:55

Maybe your SIL is lazy or maybe your just a clueless judgemental vindictive nightmare of a SIL. Only you know the answer to that and I know what my money is on. Mind your own business and focus on your own family dynamics rather than meddling where you won’t be welcome.

MustBeThursday · 23/08/2018 14:59

My DH is a doctor, working long and unsocial hours etc and openly admits he thinks my role looking after 4yo DD1 who has ASC and 1 yo DD2 on the broken sleep that I manage is harder than his. I can't leave the room for more than about 30 seconds without one or the other doing something dangerous. I'm incredibly lucky to have my DM who provides a great deal of support to me.

I imagine she's already doing all of her work in the evenings as it is. There's no way I'd get anything like that done during the day with DD1. I'd be impressed she's managing even that as our house is often in chaos because I haven't the time or energy to get on top of it some evenings. Of course she wants to finish her qualification!

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2018 15:00

When was the last time you offered helping out her and your DB? Hmm?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/08/2018 15:01

I have zero firsthand experience of raising a child with ASD, or of trying to study either part time or full time whilst raising a child, let alone one with ASD - and even I can see how in reasonable it would be, for someone to criticise the SIL from the OP.

Frankly, I am surprised there are enough hours in the day for this poor, overstretched woman to do all the things she has to do at the moment - never mind adding in work! Unless she gives up the luxury of sleep, of course...

Padparadscha · 23/08/2018 15:04

No surprise the OP has disappeared. Guessing it’s a classic shit stirrer/goady fucker.

Elephant14 · 23/08/2018 15:05

I'm going to go against the majority of posters here and say ... oh no, hang on, I agree with everyone else. You are being a complete arse.

Namenumber900 · 23/08/2018 15:06

I don't have a child with autism but I do have a child with a complex medical condition. I managed to complete a degree when my child was 7-10 years old but I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was studying and being a parent to a child with complex needs. I am going back to work now but only because my child is now a teenager who's routine hospital appointments fall outside of normal working hours. And my dh now has flexible working to cover any needed time off with our child due to illness or issues that may arise suddenly, any hospital appointments that I can't do (at least once a month) and be there to supervise medication/physio/treatment as needed. The amount of planning, stress and money that has gone into me going back to work is crazy and all it will take is for my child not to cope with the change and it will all fall apart very quickly!
I would be absolutely fuming if my sil genuinely though she had a clue about our lives and the right to have an opinion on whether I should work or not. You have no idea how hard your sil 'works' already being a parent to a child with additional needs!

Perhaps be a decent person and offer them help and support rather than judge your sil!
My sil's probably look at me and think I'm lazy for being at home all these years. But that's is because they are so naive to what our life is like and how much it takes to keep our child well and the amount out time I'm needed at a moments notice. They probably judge just like you do. But if they had a conversation with their brother (my dh) they would very quickly see how much he appreciates what I do by being at home and how hard I work to keep our child ok. They would also see that while my husband is supporting me going back to work he would much rather me stay at home with our child. You have no idea what the situation I'm their relationship is so I suggest you keep out of it or offer to support them

Deshasafraisy · 23/08/2018 15:08

Instead of bitching about her maybe offer to help. She must be exhausted.

Namenumber900 · 23/08/2018 15:08

Excuse my typo's. Your post has made me so cross I made lots of mistakes and didn't proof read

Roomba · 23/08/2018 15:13

I have a child at school with autism, and the sheer number of hours I spend at the school, at meetings, or trying to calm her down and back into class, or just picking her up when she is excluded again, as well as the many hospital appointments make it completely impossible for me to hold down a job

This has also been the experience of my friends who have children with ASD. They are frequently phoned and told to get into school asap to help calm their children. There are regular hospital appointments, appointments for various kinds of therapies, GP appointments and days where their children are not in school as they either can't cope or have been excluded. What employer would happily allow staff to come and go like this, especially if they were PT anyway?

To cope with all this AND do a PT course is admirable and bloody hard work! To suggest the SIL is lazy is so ignorant I don't know where to start...

Enoughnowplease · 23/08/2018 15:21

Oh do fuck off dear!

KoalasAteMyHomework · 23/08/2018 15:22

With regards to carers allowance, I don't think OP meant she won't get it when the child starts school, but it'll stop because SIL will be doing full time education.

As well as the rules on caring for 35 hrs or more and earning less than £120 per week, you can only claim carers if

you’re not in full-time education
And
You’re not studying for 21 hours a week or more

That's off the .gov website (only know as I applied for carers allowance this year)

BUT that is beside the point. Either way its none of your business. Its up to her and her partner/husband.

I just had to leave my part time job as I wasn't able to cope with even a few hours in a job on top of caring for our autistic son. As others have said, it is relentless and exhausting and I get fed up myself of defending our decisions to other people (so I don't now).

perfectstorm · 23/08/2018 15:23

You don't get Carers for DLA unless the needs are pretty intensive, because you only get it if the child in question has Medium or Higher Rate care needs - and a lot of evidence has to be supplied.

I think your comments are appalling, and your ignorance on what your family members are managing. Just out of interest, given your zealous concern - in what ways have you offered to help this family? Other than by voicing absolutely ignorant views on how easy and simple parenting an ASD child is?

KoalasAteMyHomework · 23/08/2018 15:24

Not sure what happened to the formatting in my previous post. I didn't type it out like that!

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