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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father of my unborn baby.. Doesn't want it.

170 replies

Annieeeee · 23/08/2018 12:33

Hi everyone.. Sorry if i have posted this in the wrong place.. i am so very new to this and really needing advice and help and i dont have anyone to talk too..

So basically i started dating my partner 10 months ago. I knew when meeting him that he was a father of two at the age of 23 and his two children were to two different ex partners. Basically he got one girlfriend pregnant and left her when he found out, it straight with someone else and 6 months later got her pregnant too.. He then went back to his first ex girlfriend who had just given birth to his daughter at the time. They tried to make it work for a year and a half then he left her and got with me 10 months ago. He still hasnt to this day met his second child with the other ex partner as he says he hates her and the baby because he never wanted it.. I had made it quite clear to him i was on contraception to prevent having a child but that if anything ever happened i could never get rid of it which he agreed with. Well now 10 months later i am 5 weeks pregnant and he is basically forcing me to have an abortion. I should have seen this coming nut i guess i thought it would be different this time.. That surely there comes a time in every ones life where you say the scenario is not ideal but you work it out. Apparently not. I love him. I really do. I have gone through so much for him and done so much for him and i just feel like if he truly cared about me he would love this child and have it with me. I feel like im living in a world of hope.. The way he has been talking about my child.. Saying things like i just want this thing gone. Horrible horrible things. I guess what i am wanting advice on is if you all think i would be best to keep this child and get him to sign over parental rights. Thats the path i have been thinking of taking. I just feel like if me and this baby are not good enough now i dont want him coming back in 6 months when he realises he had it good and that the grass isnt necessarily greener... which he will. Honestly i just think he is so selfish.. he says he doesnt want or need another kid and that i need to have an abortion then we will have kids when he is ready.. So basically kill my child, our child and then go on living life together and stuff. Its so hard. I accepted his near 3 year old and treated her as my own. How could i ever be with somebody who i know has a child in his life to another female but wouldnt have mine.. I dont know im sorry if this makes no sense my head is a mess at the moment. Any advice would be great... Thanks.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 23/08/2018 14:54

Fuck me tnough, three times.

Anyway, He doesn't want the kid. He doesn't want any of them. He's been an idiot who has had three sets of bad luck. Contraception is not fail safe, but this is seriously unlucky odds. So if you want the baby go it alone.

WelcomeToTheParty · 23/08/2018 14:55

Are you in contact with the other to mothers?

Might be a good idea, as you have 3 siblings that could get to know each other. Would also mean if they know they are siblings they wouldn't end up dating each other in the future. I'm assuming similar age and ares so they could easily end up with the same school/friends.

WelcomeToTheParty · 23/08/2018 14:55

*to = two

WelcomeToTheParty · 23/08/2018 14:56

*ares = areas

! Sorry

Salmakia · 23/08/2018 15:01

I think Babdoc has made some very kind but sensible points. A baby, then becomes a child. It's not just the early months of sleepless nights, having no money and so on to consider. It's 18 years. You'll be 40 by the time this child is an adult and even then if they're at uni they're still going to need financial and emotional support from you. Any future relationship you have can only become serious if they're wanting to become a step parent to your child potentially it also means blended families which are hard work. Please don't view this as your only chance to have a child because of the abortion you had in the past. There is hope for you having a child years from now with a father who wants the baby as much as you do.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 23/08/2018 15:08

When making your decision you need to take a good look at your hopes for your life without even considering this man.

He is an appalling specimen....what on earth is there to love? Attention from a man and sex does not equal love or a relationship. It seems your expectations of a relationship are very very low.

Children aren't cuddly toys, they are hard hard work and they need, and deserve, a parent who respects themselves enough not to expose them to this kind of dysfunctional relationship so if you choose to have the baby, please please seek help with regards to relationships and your future.

BlueRoses28 · 23/08/2018 16:23

One good parent is far far better for a child than one good parent and one shit parent.

Polkapjs · 23/08/2018 16:30

I honestly don’t think n I’d have the baby - you’re young enough to start again and have a baby with someone you choose, when you choose to. He sounds hateful

Lockheart · 23/08/2018 16:40

Fertile isn’t he?

Everything else aside, I think it would be worth really considering whether having this child is a good idea. I know the instinct is to keep the baby, but if you have the child then you will be tied to this abusive man for the rest of your life.

There is no such thing as signing over parental rights, and the child has a right to a relationship with both parents.

He could take you to court, which could enforce paternity tests and contact agreements. What happens when the child reaches an age where they can look for their father independently? What happens if he rejects them? What happens if he welcomes them with open arms and they strike up a close relationship?

You really need to plan for the long term consequences for the baby if you do decide to keep it.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

Faultymain5 · 23/08/2018 16:56

I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm disturbed by the statement "he refuses to wear protection" After already getting two different women pregnant. He still considers it the woman's responsibility?

I don't get the mindset where someone accepts this, but I understand that we are all different. Please understand a man who refuses to wear protection has refused to wear protection for everyone he has slept with, this puts your life, in danger. I'm sorry there is no other way to say it.

chillpizza · 23/08/2018 16:59

You might want to kee te child and that’s your right but I would think passed the baby stage.

When this child will be a teenager/young adult and wants to contact their dad. The man will be apart of your life forever as he is your child’s father. It sounds like his an abusive man who could hurt you or the child. He could in a year or two or five decide actually he wants to know his children and take you to court for access some men do this purely because a new partner is on the scene and paint the mothers won’t let me see them picture.

Namethecat · 23/08/2018 17:03

I tend to have a habit of going for people who need fixing

Well now is the time to fix yourself. If you are keeping this baby you know the relationship is over, and from the sound of him it will be no great loss. Do what is right for you and don't let him intimidate you.

heartsease68 · 23/08/2018 18:04

A baby is not something that you can just repeat at a more convenient time and the OP knows that very well. If she has an abortion in her current frame of mind, she will always think of this baby. All the future pregnancies in the world won't affect that. When will the penny drop on this issue?

CoalTit · 23/08/2018 18:10

You sound so young and romantic and vulnerable. Please consider taking a few more years to live and learn, get to know yourself, develop healthy boundaries and possibly find a decent man to form a family with. Or at least find out what it's like to have a boyfriend who doesn't need fixing.

choli · 23/08/2018 18:33

Jesus this guy really needs to take responsibility for his own contraception. What's the odds of it failing three times with three different women, and those three women falling pregnant. Part of me actually feels sorry for the idiot. I'm guessing he will never ever trust female contraception again.
Any man who does not want a baby and is sexually active should be using contraception in addition to that used by his partner. Accidents happen, and so do "accidents". Far less likely if you use two methods.

LittleKitty1985 · 23/08/2018 18:35

I'm sorry you're in this shit situation. If it were me I would not want to have a child that carried 50% of his genes; genes that code for psychological issues that have made him act the way he does. Yes environment shapes us too, but a single parent environment is also not ideal and may cause behavioural problems too.

I have huge respect for people who become single parents against their will and do they best they can, however I personally would not chose that for my child and would rather terminate and wait for a stable partner to have a family with. But that's just my opinion.

trojanpony · 23/08/2018 18:46

I suggest you consider carefully whether or not you continue this pregnancy. You are voung and a child is hard work.

Whether or not you have this baby though you should really revisit:

your standards for picking a partner
your choices contraception

trojanpony · 23/08/2018 18:48

FWIW I would end the pregnancy so I wasn’t tied to such a monumental arsehole for 18years or have to deal with trying to maintain relationships with numerous half siblings (the number of which is no doubt, set to continue)

Neshoma · 23/08/2018 18:54

Apologies, I have looked through the thread but didn't see how you will care for this child financially. Do you have a job, can you get maternity pay, how will you sort childcare, are you going to go on benefits????

StripeyDeckchair · 23/08/2018 18:58

Why you got into a relationship with this man is beyond me - he'd already shown himself to be selfish and clearly not interested in having children.

If you have the child then you will be a single parent. As for parental rights, I suspect you'll find it difficult to put him on the birth certificate never mind about getting him to engage with the child or meet his responsibilities towards it.

ohfourfoxache · 23/08/2018 19:04

In terms of mental health support, there might be a perinatal mental health team attached to your antenatal team. If there is then it’s a fab place to get support x

NadiaLeon · 23/08/2018 19:04

Do you really want this man as a father of your unborn? He will be in your life forever if you have the child. Think carefully.

AnoukSpirit · 23/08/2018 19:10

I wouldnt know a normal relationship if it nipped me in the butt which is sad.

That much is clear. This man is hideously abusive.

If you want to change it though, go on the Freedom Programme. They will teach you about what abuse is, how it works, the impact it has on you, why you get sucked into it - and just as importantly it teaches you what healthy relationships looks like, how you should expect to be treated by a decent, loving partner, and how to spot early warning signs that a person is abusive so that you never end up in this position again.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you're serious about breaking the cycle and changing your life they will help you to do that. Their group courses are free and confidential - nobody else will ever know you attended - and they'll never judge you or tell you what to do.

Digdeep79 · 23/08/2018 19:16

I too would think very carefully. You will be tied to this man forever. I don't think anyone realises the impact of that until they've had a kid with such a cunt.

toomanychilder · 23/08/2018 19:21

I just dont know how anyone can see a baby as a bad thing. They are such blessings. I am sure there are many people whp have been in my position and have had a baby and its been the best decision (hard sure but rewarding)

you just sound so incredibly naive. You really can't see how there are situations where a pregnancy is a bad thing? You can't be trying very hard.
You should realise that there are many people who have been in your position and have had the baby and it was the worst decision, and people who have had an abortion and it was the best decision.

If you don't want to terminate, you shouldn't. Your choice entirely. But if you are going to be a parent you are going to need to grow up fast, and learn from all this. It should have been obvious to you what would happen.

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