Father of my unborn baby.. Doesn't want it.

[Annieeeee]

Hi everyone.. Sorry if i have posted this in the wrong place.. i am so very new to this and really needing advice and help and i dont have anyone to talk too..

So basically i started dating my partner 10 months ago. I knew when meeting him that he was a father of two at the age of 23 and his two children were to two different ex partners. Basically he got one girlfriend pregnant and left her when he found out, it straight with someone else and 6 months later got her pregnant too.. He then went back to his first ex girlfriend who had just given birth to his daughter at the time. They tried to make it work for a year and a half then he left her and got with me 10 months ago. He still hasnt to this day met his second child with the other ex partner as he says he hates her and the baby because he never wanted it.. I had made it quite clear to him i was on contraception to prevent having a child but that if anything ever happened i could never get rid of it which he agreed with. Well now 10 months later i am 5 weeks pregnant and he is basically forcing me to have an abortion. I should have seen this coming nut i guess i thought it would be different this time.. That surely there comes a time in every ones life where you say the scenario is not ideal but you work it out. Apparently not. I love him. I really do. I have gone through so much for him and done so much for him and i just feel like if he truly cared about me he would love this child and have it with me. I feel like im living in a world of hope.. The way he has been talking about my child.. Saying things like i just want this thing gone. Horrible horrible things. I guess what i am wanting advice on is if you all think i would be best to keep this child and get him to sign over parental rights. Thats the path i have been thinking of taking. I just feel like if me and this baby are not good enough now i dont want him coming back in 6 months when he realises he had it good and that the grass isnt necessarily greener... which he will. Honestly i just think he is so selfish.. he says he doesnt want or need another kid and that i need to have an abortion then we will have kids when he is ready.. So basically kill my child, our child and then go on living life together and stuff. Its so hard. I accepted his near 3 year old and treated her as my own. How could i ever be with somebody who i know has a child in his life to another female but wouldnt have mine.. I dont know im sorry if this makes no sense my head is a mess at the moment. Any advice would be great... Thanks.

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Good luck.

You are right. Ive never been good in relationships. Ive watched my mum deal with my dad and how he treated her yet ive ended up with the same jeks my whole life. Always swore i would never be my mother.. I suppose its been normal to me. I wouldnt know a normal relationship if it nipped me in the butt which is sad. I do need to talk to somebody about how i view myself i guess. I do need to grow up alot but atleast i am willing to do that.

First of all - your relationship is over, so start working out what you're doing about housing. Do you have a place to stay and a couple of friends who can help collect all your things safely?

And breathe. Then decide over the next few weeks if you want to have the baby or not, knowing it's on your own; given your regrets probably you should, but it's a big decision and you're only 5 weeks so just take that time to be sure.

Posters are telling you what I thought, which is that him signing or not signing anything has no basis in law; he can have that overturned later, he's still responsible for child maintenance and obviously it doesn't affect whether you allow him contact with you or not. The Gingerbread charity is explicitly for single parent support; give them a call and they can help you understand what to do at this point and when the baby is born regarding contact and maintenance: www.gingerbread.org.uk/.

If you do have the baby, contact with its siblings would be good, so keep the details that you have for the future.

OP have a look at the freedom programme you can even do it online

Also my partner refused to wear condoms as birth control is apparently the girls responsibility
And this, as the icing on the rest of his deplorable behaviour, wasn't a huge red flag to you?
You sound so very very young OP. Good luck with it all.

Op, please be careful. He sounds dangerous to me too.

If you look at it from his POV, he knows that if you have his baby he will be forced to pay towards the cost of the child for the next 18 years. He already knows that from the first two. Look how he behaved towards the second child & mother. He wants very much for your child not to exist.

Without being overly dramatic, please be careful not to leave yourself physically vulnerable .

You said he hates his second child - how can you have a relationship with someone like that? you sound young and if you terminate and stay in the relationship you will probably resent him later in life. I Only go ahead if you are prepared to be a single parent and your child have a father who might hate him.

OP, he is a selfish, irresponsible arsehole who will bring nothing good to either your life or that of your unborn child (should you choose to have it).

Your choice is to have an abortion or be a single parent. Whichever you choose, all the very best of luck to you. But either way you need to kick this guy to the kerb and do it on your own.

"I suppose its been normal to me."

Maybe the Women's Aid Freedom programme would be good for you.

Contact them, especially if your 'whatever he is to you now' tries to pressurise you into an unwanted abortion.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I think this might be it but if in doubt go direct through Women's aid website.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

PS Labeling your experience as 'domestic abuse' sounds scary and it may be your partner has not hit or hurt you physically. But you may have developed a pattern of bad choices around men who control, or attempt to control, you.

Annie with all due respect you need to take accountability here too.

You got with a man who you knew was an arse hole. Why would you think he would be any different with you?

Your about to embark on one of the toughest journeys of your life and you have now inflicted this utter cunt on the baby you could possibly have.

My niece was in exactly the same postion two years ago and went for an abortion. Then she got pregnant again basically straight away and is now bringing up her son by herself. She is 20. It’s REALLY hard work for her, she has to do all the night wakes, all the illnesses, has to stay in when her mates are out, gets frustrated and upset because she is tired and worn out. This was NOT the little cosy family she thought she would have. Her son has no dad and that’s partly her fault for choosing an utter bastard.

You need to wake up love.

I can only assume you’re fairly young and thought you could change him and that he would never do that to you etc.
Naturally you’re disappointed but I think you should focus on getting you’re head round the fact that by having this baby, you will be a single parent.
Don’t waste another minute on this loser that will likely never change.
The more you fight it, the more heartache you will endure.
Keep focused on the facts that are rather than on a fantasy of what you think it could be.

Also my partner refused to wear condoms as birth control is apparently the girls responsibility.

He sounds worse with everything you post! You also need to get tested for STIs.

You dont think i realise this? Im not an utter idiot. Ive made bad choices yes, and i have fallen pregnant to an asshole. I dont expect it to be rainbows and flowers. I brought up my younger cousin for 2 years when his mother was a drug addict. I was 18. I do understand it will be hard. I do. I just think it will also be worth it. I am awake to the fact that he wont be involved. Please dont think i will think he will snap out of it and instantly love my child. He wont. I know i can do this if i step up. Sorry im not being nasty either if the message sounds that way, hate typing as you can never tell how people are coming accross.

Im bloody disappointed in myself. It is my fault too i know. Never should have got with the dick!

After what you've been through before I can see why this baby feels like the right thing to do. You are so young though, you have so much time to find someone much better than this idiot to have a family with. Does the baby deserve a father who doesn't want it and is abusive? No.

I would suggest some counselling as I imagine the previous baby is weighing heavily on you and clouding this situation. But, like other posters have said, get away from this guy immediately. Don't go for his type again. Enjoy your life while you look for someone considerably better!

OP there's no point in beating yourself up about it now, you just need to think about how you want to move forward and you've got a little time to do that. Given what you've said about your tendency to fix people and a pattern of negative relationships including what you saw from your parents, the freedom programme could really be eye opening for you, and give you some skills in managing future situations. Women's aid will also support you in leaving him, I know you probably don't want the label but he is a repeat abuser. So first things first get yourself somewhere safe, do you have anywhere you can go? He is likely to escalate when he knows you're not being controlled by him anymore and you are leaving

i dont want him coming back in 6 months when he realises he had it good and that the grass isnt necessarily greener... which he will.

From your op. He wong come back, The grass is greener as he doesnt want to be a dad so he isnt going to come round playing happy families with you when he can get on with his life and meet other women.

I'd be getting a STI check too - he's been sleeping around unprotected for a number of years. You need to know for the babies sake that you haven't contracted anything...

Looking after someone’s else’s child for two years is not the same as raising a child till they are 18.

I had dd1 when I was 15. I was four months when I found out I was pregnant and too late to do anything. Dd1 is now 22 and it was fucking tough.

My best advice to you at this very early stage is start doing some form of training so you can build a career because your going to need a lot of money. Forget about the the dick that you got pregnant with and start planning how your going to cope financially and start gathering emotional support because you will need it.

I think your crazy but good luck!

OP - please be careful. You think he would turn violent 'if it solved the problem'? Do you mean that he would deliberately kick the baby out of you? It has happened to others .

If I were you, I'd tell him you terminated/lost it. Then move far away, if you possibly can, to get away from him. (If he thinks you are no longer carrying, he might want to continue the relationship - this is a VERY BAD IDEA!)

When/if you've had the baby, get CSA involved, but stay away. He is not ever going to be 'good father' material, and don't let anyone tell you that the baby 'deserves' to know his/her father.

Get as much info on him (work, address, bank accounts etc) as you can in case CSA have to track him down. NI number is a good one (on his payslips) - he can't changethat.

He is very immature, OP. He wants to shave around and ignore the concequences. Keep the baby but don't give the baby his name.

Hopefully reading these responses will have opened your eyes. This isn't how anyone should be treated in a relationship.

The only thing you need to terminate is this relationship. Have you got people who can give you some support?

He’s never going to change and he never was. It’s egotistical of you to believe he would automatically change for you when he didn’t for his other two DC’s Mother’s. Nothing sets you apart from them now, you will all have his children and he will no doubt move on to yet another woman and possibly do the same thing. What a Torag he is.

Since you are only five weeks pregnant you have a very important decision to make. You will either become like the second Mother and be a single parent with little to no involvement from him or you can terminate and be free of him forever. Either way your relationship is over so it’s entirely your decision to make.

He's 25/26, 3 kids by 3 different women. Doesn't want anything to do with 2 & 3, refuses to wear condoms and shouts in your face.

He's a wanker. Get rid.

These responses really have opened my eyes. I actually believe i do deserve better now and that him not wanting to be a part of this is a blessing. So im glad i posted on here. I will have support yes.