Father of my unborn baby.. Doesn't want it.

[Annieeeee]

Hi everyone.. Sorry if i have posted this in the wrong place.. i am so very new to this and really needing advice and help and i dont have anyone to talk too..

So basically i started dating my partner 10 months ago. I knew when meeting him that he was a father of two at the age of 23 and his two children were to two different ex partners. Basically he got one girlfriend pregnant and left her when he found out, it straight with someone else and 6 months later got her pregnant too.. He then went back to his first ex girlfriend who had just given birth to his daughter at the time. They tried to make it work for a year and a half then he left her and got with me 10 months ago. He still hasnt to this day met his second child with the other ex partner as he says he hates her and the baby because he never wanted it.. I had made it quite clear to him i was on contraception to prevent having a child but that if anything ever happened i could never get rid of it which he agreed with. Well now 10 months later i am 5 weeks pregnant and he is basically forcing me to have an abortion. I should have seen this coming nut i guess i thought it would be different this time.. That surely there comes a time in every ones life where you say the scenario is not ideal but you work it out. Apparently not. I love him. I really do. I have gone through so much for him and done so much for him and i just feel like if he truly cared about me he would love this child and have it with me. I feel like im living in a world of hope.. The way he has been talking about my child.. Saying things like i just want this thing gone. Horrible horrible things. I guess what i am wanting advice on is if you all think i would be best to keep this child and get him to sign over parental rights. Thats the path i have been thinking of taking. I just feel like if me and this baby are not good enough now i dont want him coming back in 6 months when he realises he had it good and that the grass isnt necessarily greener... which he will. Honestly i just think he is so selfish.. he says he doesnt want or need another kid and that i need to have an abortion then we will have kids when he is ready.. So basically kill my child, our child and then go on living life together and stuff. Its so hard. I accepted his near 3 year old and treated her as my own. How could i ever be with somebody who i know has a child in his life to another female but wouldnt have mine.. I dont know im sorry if this makes no sense my head is a mess at the moment. Any advice would be great... Thanks.

As you still so deeply regret the abortion you had with your first pregnancy I can see why you want to carry on with this one. You have looked after a young child before, you know what it involves, and you could be a good loving mother.

You sound like a lovely person who has made a couple of poor choices of men (and haven't we all?)

Go for it, if that's what you want. And the bonus will be - this arsehole will disappear out of your life.

Didofido thank you.. Thank you all so much. It brings tears to my eyes to know you are all so willing to take time out of your life to give me advice and help me.. a total stranger. You are all truly amazing.

He does not have to be on the birth certificate for the child to get maintenance.
If you apply to the Child Maintenance Service (formerly the CSA) and he denies paternity they will require him to do, and pay for, a DNA test.
If he refuses to do this they will assume paternity and he will have to pay maintenance.
Maintenance is for the baby and you really should apply for it.
Even if you can manage without it now, children get a lot more expensive when they are older. You could even save it for university expenses.
It is safe to do so as CMS will not disclose your address, or even the area you are living.

Thank you woodpigeons You are right. It would be for the child and in the childs best interests to take the money.

This isn’t just about you. You have to think of your child - is it ok to bring them into the world knowing in advance that they will have a dad who will not be there for them?

I speak from bitter experience. My mum and dad split up when I was less than a year old and I never saw him again. When I was about 6 he signed papers for me to be adopted by my mums new husband. My new dad was a wonderful dad and I loved him dearly but the awareness that my biological father cared so little for me that he could walk away without a backward glance had a massive impact on my confidence and self esteem.

You could be doing yourself and your future family a disservice by pushing ahead without his support. It might be better to wait until you are older and in a more stable and loving relationship to start a family.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best.

I feel very sorry for his first 2 children. At least you knew exactly what you were getting into, the first 2 women not so much. I really don’t understand how anyone could have a relationship with someone who won’t have anything to do with their own child. With him having yet another child it’s got to leave very little maintenance money for each child. Horrible situation for the first 2

Annieeeee all of us on here have also been 22 and many of us have been in sh*tstorms. Not a single person here doesn't want the best for you. It speaks volumes of you the way you are listening to advice and expressing yourself in writing.
Don't walk from this man, run.
Then get all the support can councelling you possibly can.
You have not always had a great life so far and I'm so sorry to hear that. But it is possible to change that; to build your confidence and to make better choices for yourself going forward.

and, not can
fat fingers

Why did you think this selfish git was a good choice for a partner? At 23 he has kids by two women and is a shit father to both? He refuses to wear a condom? I wouldn’t have shagged him.

You need to have a good hard look at your standards in men, as they are too fucking low. And you’re 22 and have got pregnant twice accidentally? You need to sort out your contraception.

Are you in a position financially and emotionally to bring up this baby by yourself? If you are, go ahead, but don’t expect any support from your ‘partner’.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 Thank you so much. You are so very right. And my life wont change until i take the steps to change it and change the choices i make. Counselling is a good step for me. I need it for my anxiety and depression anyway i just put it off hoping i will get better on my own. The time to act is now :)

I will be running so very fast, carefully but fast!!

This isn’t just about you. You have to think of your child - is it ok to bring them into the world knowing in advance that they will have a dad who will not be there for them?

Absent fathers are very very common. I wouldnt worry about this op. Most people I know (including myself) didnt have a dad around growing up. Im certainly not bitter, I have alot of respect for my mum doing it all on her own.

@Annieeeee please be very careful and protect yourself from any potential physical violence. It happened to my friend, when she was 24 weeks pregnant her (now ex) boyfriend got physically violent and caused the baby to be stillborn

He's never going to change. You sound so young. It sounds like you would feel better having this baby and that's 100% your choice but it's going to be bloody hard on your own. In theory he could decide in 10 years time he wants contact and it's possible courts would grant your child that access to their father but going off what you've said it really sounds like he wouldn't bother. Definitely go through the child maintenance service and get the money your child deserves!

Get yourself tested for stis because he's had numerous sexual partners without using a condom. You're at risk of HIV and other nasty sexually transmitted diseases. You shouldn't be having sex with a man who refuses to wear a condom at all. That's a big red flag right there.

Oh and I second the advice about counselling/ the freedom programme. Women's aid also offer a "Journeys beyond abuse" course in some areas which may be useful for you although I know it can be really difficult to accept any shitty behaviour is abuse.

My father was present in my life growing up, but no longer is. Honestly I feel an absent shitty father is far better emotionally than a present shitty father. Don't worry about that, you just need to make sure you help your child emotionally with the headfuck that comes with having a rubbish other parent.

Thats exactly right. I know many people whom havent had fathers growing up, and many who have but now wish they hadnt had one at all due to them being so terrible towards them growing up. I think as long as i can love that child and never have it going without then it really wont be missing much.. especially not someone like him.. The child is far better off.

Run for the hills. This man should not and cannot be part of your life anymore. Leave and then let him know that it is over, regardless of what you decide about the child. And tell him to stay away now and in the future. And if he doesn't respect that, get the Police involved as he is abusive.

You sound as if a light has gone on for you - you are seeing him for what he is. It is a shame you didn't see this before, but it is better to realise now and walk away. Then you can think about the baby and what is best for you at this point. Do not factor him into any decisions, but plan based on being alone.

And be careful before you jump into another relationship - your value doesn't lie in having a boyfriend and it's better to be alone than with a bastard. So take anything in future really slowly and make sure you do t end up with a similar twat or pregnant again.

Best of luck - start that get away right now.

OP, if you feel strongly about keeping your child, try to do your best without his help. It is going to be difficult, but it saves you the hassle of the unnecessary confrontation and friction between you and the baby's father. He did make his position clear from day one, that he is not interested in having more children. Just because you love him does not give you permission to have his baby. You may keep the child at your risk, and focus on the raising the child alone.

Annieeeee

Ues you have made bad choices but we all make misteaks sometimes.
At least now you realise this and can go forward knowing you wont get sucked into a crap relationship again with some loser who doesnt care for you or your child. The difference in your posts from start to finish is very obvious, you seem to now believe you deserve and can do better than this prick of a man. (Even being on your own with a child is better than a crap partner)

Get all the support you can from family and friends and kick this waste of space into touch.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

An absent father is better than a shit one. Good luck lovely OP xxx

I think you under estimate how hard it is raising a child on you’re own I speak from experience of caring for a one year old at youre age.

He has form and is not father material so you are on your own, with or without him. He is not good partner material either. If you keep your baby he has NO parental rights. Actually, there are no such thing as parental rights, only parental responsibilities. Think about this. How responsible would he be, Don't even think to have his child will hold him close, it won't. You should focus your love on someone worthy of it.
If you choose to keep your baby do not let him register his name on the birth certificate. Say nothing, just register on your own. Gather a support network amongst friends and family

Thank you all. You have helped me make the decision to keep him far far away from me and my child. It is a shame i didnt see it earlier but itis better to see it now then further down the track. I feel for any furture women this happens too as well. He isnt fit to be a father or a partner. Unfortunately he has a lot of issues and dont get me wrong i do too!! But im not nasty like he is. He is just a bad person. I have only ever tried to do right by others and wake up each day trying to do better so i do deserve more.

Good luck Annieeeee

Annieee, firstly I want to send you a hug. You’re having a tough time, you are very young, and you have some hard decisions to make. You really need to talk through your options about the pregnancy with someone motherly, supportive and non judgmental. I hope you can access that sort of help via your GP or clinic.
I’m concerned that you’re thinking of going ahead and having the baby for possibly the wrong reasons. And once it’s here, you’re committed for the next 18 years, whether it was a good choice or not.
Do you genuinely want to have this ghastly man’s child?
Or do you just feel upset about the previous termination and dread the thought of another one?
Are you hoping a baby will be “someone to love you and need you” - as there doesn’t seem to be a decent man or parent or anyone else filling that role in your life?
What I’m trying to say is, look at your reasons for wanting to continue with this. Be very sure it’s what you really really want, because it’s going to be a hard struggle for years, when you could have been enjoying your young life, having fun, dating, going to college or progressing your career.
Nobody would think badly of you if you chose a termination, and you could have some planned kids with a loving partner later in your life.
Think carefully, and talk it all through with a counsellor. Make sure that whatever choice you make is the right one for you at this stage of your life. I’m sorry that you’ve had such a rotten experience - I pray that the rest of your life will be much happier. God bless you, pet.

I'm sorry that you fell pregnant to this man, and I expect part of you is too.
I know you don't want an abortion, and fair enough, that's your choice - but even if he does fuck off out of your life forever, you'll still have that tie to him via your child. And your child will want to know about their bio dad. It may or may not affect them adversely - some children couldn't care less about their sperm donors, others always wonder what they "did wrong" that their dad had no interest in them.

I personally wouldn't go through with the pregnancy but would still ditch the partner - but that's not your choice, and as I said, that's fair enough.

Do get away from him though - he's not worth your time at all.
Good luck!