To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

I would sit down and calculate the cost of housework you're doing and ask him if he's willing to spend so much on outside help so you have time to work full time.

This is nonsense, I am not saying he wouldn't have to step up but lots of households have both parents working and pay for no outside help. Both OP and her husband would have to do housework/admin on weekends and evenings

OP you are obviously intelligent can you not find work beyond minimum wage ?I have friends who left school with no qualifications and have progressed well beyond minimal wage.

How on earth do you think lone parents cope? Especially those with no family help
Working full time and doing all child care along with all the home related stuff
I genuinely don’t understand what non working or part time workers with older children do round the house that takes so long?

Oh dear.

He's worked hard and is earning £50K. However he's improvident and lost them £30K on an investment which she used her inheritance to pay off. She is earning £8K but has been looking after him, the house and two kids one of whom has anxieties but is ?14?

Time to sit down with OH calmly , OP, and by all means point out all your undoubted contributions to him being able to do all he does and earns and the upbringing of your children. And what you would like to do to earn more. And ask him why he's so stressed and frightened.

If it doesn't work as a conversation, go to mediation.

"if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine"

this would be ringing distant alarm bells for me.

This is nonsense, I am not saying he wouldn't have to step up but lots of households have both parents working and pay for no outside help.
Those households usually share the housework.

Both OP and her husband would have to do housework/admin on weekends and evenings

He doesn't seem too excited about having to do any housework.

jenna43 please tell me who you can pay to take on the mental load for you? I have never known such a person. There are silly old me doing it all myself all these years

Stop being so utterly ridiculous.

You don’t need to work full time; you do need to listen to him when he’s telling you he’s stressed and starting to crack.

This. He is reaching out to you. You need to listen to him.

Given posts on other thread such as this

DHs more annoying habits they would be:
a) forgetting things the second after I say them e.g Me - “can you put the bin out on your way out?” DH - leaves house, walks straight past bins, gets into car, drives off.
b) cannot put dirty laundry in the laundry basket. If I’m lucky it goes on top of the lid, more usually in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.
c) starts doing random stuff at inappropriates times, e.g. yesterday started rearranging rocks round the pond as we getting ready to leave for a family party. Then shouts at everyone that we’re going to be late. Then usually comes back into the house for a poo just as we’re leaving.
d) has the worst sense of direction in the world, but always blames me if we get lost going somewhere

I really don’t think this marriage is going to last much longer.

That’s without even bringing up the sex issue.

How am I being ridiculous? Who can I pay to do the mental load? You said working parents pay someone else to do it

I work 20 hours with a young dc and that’s enough hours while they are young I think, even when they get to primary school. However I do earn quite a bit more for my hours. I think that is what you need to do. Earn more for the same hours somehow.

OP's DH is not waking up worrying about money at 3am. He's whingeing about not having enough extra money to holiday abroad and buy a new car on top of existing comfortable lifestyle that already includes his hobby.

Actually, what OP's husband is 'whinging' about is not having any savings, and I presume anyone who has the temerity to earn 50K should just be super-happy to pack a lunch every day and not have any holidays so their artist wife can work 10 hours a week?

Fuck that.

If OP has worked in various low paid jobs for years she is going to find it quite difficult to suddenly get a higher paid job whatever her degree. There are an awful lot of jobs which pay less than £20k which people have probably done for years. She is not going to walk into something paying £30k plus

OP said herself she would go back full time when the DC could look after themselves. They're 12 & 14, surely now is the time to start looking!? Or are you waiting for them to leave home op?

How on earth do you think lone parents cope? Especially those with no family help
Working full time and doing all child care along with all the home related stuff
I genuinely don’t understand what non working or part time workers with older children do round the house that takes so long?

But OP isn't a lone parent. Some people don't want or need to run themselves into the ground with exhaustion or pay childcare a fortune. I genuinely don't understand why some full-time working mothers have such a spite against part-time working mothers or SAHMs.

Exactly Ringthebells she will still be a low earner, he will still be moaning and insisting she should do all the housework and wishing he had married someone "in the industry".

I would be pretty annoyed if DH was earning this amount and we needed to pay for several kids, other stuff etc.
Sorry OP, but the points about Fine arts degrees, not using your PGCE sounds like a bit of an excuse. He should step up a bit with the family stuff but I can see why he is stressed.
He point about marrying in his industry is unkind but he may be frustrated with you making excuses about Fine Arts degrees and career choices.

I think you should get a better paid job. Talking about the "mental load" and "paperwork" type of thing is ridiculous. Opening some letters, hoovering and washing a car now and then is just a very basic part of life and I think you are being lazy and trying to sound busier than you are. Also it sounds like you don't like your husband very much... sometimes it's best not to bite the hand that feeds.

Actually, what OP's husband is 'whinging' about is not having any savings,

He'd have 30k savings if he didn't lose in an investment which OP then had to pay off from her inheritance.

and I presume anyone who has the temerity to earn 50K should just be super-happy to pack a lunch every day

If said lunch is packed by the wife, should be at least grateful for that.

and not have any holidays so their artist wife can work 10 hours a week?

Has holidays. Just not abroad.

Fuck that.

Yeah, fuck that.

My DW is doing a PhD, so she isn't often earning money at the moment, but if she did have a full-time job, and earned as much as I am, our combined income would be about the range as your combined income.

Your DH is massively unreasonable to be having financial worries with such a large household income. He needs to get a grip and consider how lucky you are compared to the rest of the country.

How am I being ridiculous? Who can I pay to do the mental load? You said working parents pay someone else to do it

You honestly need it explained to you that some working parents pay out for child-care, cleaners, gardeners etc?

@Jenna43

I could hire a cleaner, but what about all the rest of It?

Doing homework with the kids. Making their lunches. Reading their school letters, getting them to the right places at the right times. Keeping track of medical appointments. Organising and attending play dates. Organising and attending family meet-ups. Buying them new shoes/clothes every few months as they grow like crazy. Shopping for food. Meal planning. Cooking. Cleaning up after dinner. Picking up toys. Sorting their rooms after they've been playing. Attending school events. Attending club events. Keeping track of accounts/spending/budget. Planning and doing days out.

I could keep going on and on. I can't pay anyone to do that stuff. I'm a single, working mum of 2.... and you're saying I can pay someone to take on that load? Who? Or should I hire a PA and magic up 20 grand a year to pay them?

Was this failed BTL investment a unilateral decision or a joint one?

Well I work full time and have done since son was 12 weeks old (no nice paid leave then) he is now 20. When he was 5 we started working together. What I can say is I think many posts are somewhat unfair , I would love to have worked less to be honest if we could have got by, but we couldn't. In this case though free child care and such like can easily add £8k a year value (and the rest) and he hasn't been paying for cleaners etc. He would I can assure you have been little better off even if his partner had been on 25k after factoring in childcare , travel, a cleaner etc , especially when children were under 8. I think to be honest here it's not just about your lowish paid job, it's about a general attitude, he isn't seeing it as 'partners' . Would many of you be as harsh with a totally SAHP? I would be fuming if my H had spoke to me like that to be honest. There are plenty of SAhMs on here who still moan about partners doing bugger all and are then told their partners need to help more because it's a team effort. The OP is working, although in all honesty OP I would crack on looking for something more like 16k for 25 hours, I see quite a bit of work like that at the Unis etc in admin. Not to give him more cash but to make you feel a bit more secure , I would then say, I will be paying for xyz etc , whether it's all the food or utilities or whatever. By the time you factor in the costs often involved when both work full time and paying for this , that and the other help, you are often little better off than working 25 hours , especially if you have a partner not helping with home stuff

All this discussion seems a little pointless because OP doesn’t seem to wa t to compromise or see things from her DH’s perspective. It does not bode well for the marriage. OP if you love him then surely you would work more to find a way that relieves some of his financial stress. If you don’t love him, well, maybe that is the real issue here?

You honestly need it explained to you that some working parents pay out for child-care, cleaners, gardeners etc?

@Getoutofthatgarden do you seriously not understand what mental load means?

Maybe that’s jenna43’s problem too? Neither of You know what is meant by mental load?