To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Crikey, lots of really harsh posts on this thread.

He wants you to earn more and work full time.

The trade off (if you choose to accept it) is for him to share half of the household tasks and mental load. Write down every single thing you do and present it to him.

I lived with a boyfriend for five years who was a lazy so and so. After I left and he lived on his own, he admitted that he didn't realise how much I did.

"AIBU to work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?"

OP, the possibility here is that you're projecting, because this can be applied without exception in the other direction.

I'm not saying this is definitely so, but I do think it's worth bearing in mind, particularly because projection is both blatant, and totally unconscious. Let me iterate: it is totally unconscious.

Why post here? You refuse to take on board any opinions contrary to your own. It's strange.

GetOut that's not the mental load. I mean ffs how often do you think a gardener or cleaner goes to one residence given most people don't live in stately homes? As for childcare, yes people pay for this while they earn money to provide for their families but it's not giving someone else the "mental load " or do you imagine working parents don't think abou their dc unless they're in their presence?

Millions of parents juggle working and raising children and you're only with them FT when they are preschoolers. Ops dc are secondary school age, how much actual hands on looking after do they need?

Your OP is ridiculous. You say it’s about your DHs preferred lifestyle, and yet it’s really about your preferred lifestyle. You clearly don’t want to do more work than you currently do and you are hiding behind excuses. You need to man up and take your share of the family financial burden.

Iv been the main breadwinner and sole bread winner. It suprised me how stressful to have all the responsibility of earning the money, like a constant pressure.

How old were the kids when he first brought this up OP?

You honestly need it explained to you that some working parents pay out for child-care, cleaners, gardeners etc?

You said 'mental load', which directly implies PA. Lots of middle-class people have paid child care cleaners gardeners etc. A PA is a slightly more rarified circle, i.e. UHNW types. Surely you can grasp that?

Was this failed BTL investment a unilateral decision or a joint one?

Yes.

You wouldn’t just need a PA, you’d also need a full time housekeeper AND someone to manage them both

Maybe then you’d have minimal mental load

At 12 I was helping my mum with the cooking and cleaning.

She was a single mum, working full time as a nurse. Some days, we barely saw her.

Your kids are old enough to help around the house and old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours.

I think you should seriously consider what your husband is saying and have a mature discussion about it.

OP I really think you need to try and see it from his perspective, he's obviously stressed out. I think you need to be prepared to increase your hours, what would you have done if his salary had been half what it is now, would you still be waiting for your kids to leave home before getting a job?

This situation requires open dialogue and compromise. If you don't compromise you could end up getting divorced and being forced back into work. Good luck.

jenna43, in what way is glintandglide’s comment ridiculous?!

Families where both parents have full time jobs may pay for nursery for core working hours but barring some in exec roles, none of them that I know have cleaners, nannies etc. The mental load still sits with the parents, the homework, the packed lunch, washing and ironing, packing PE kits, organising appointments, ringing the plumber. Who else do you think does it??

Millions of parents juggle working and raising children and you're only with them FT when they are preschoolers. Ops dc are secondary school age, how much actual hands on looking after do they need?

No, some parents are only with them FT when they are pre-schoolers. Also, some teenagers needs lots of time and attention. OPs DC is struggling with anxiety and she was able to give him her time and attention which is fantastic.

OP I get the feeling that because you bore the DC you feel absolved of carrying financial responsibility. That’s not fair on your DH. The DC are old enough for you to work full time. Find a job that pays reasonably and help your DH carry the financial burden. You may even find he’s then willing to carry the burden for the DC and household.

I have a cleaner and a Gardner. The cleaner comes 2 hours a week and the gardener once a fortnight. Does anyone seriously think that means I never do any housework? How thick would you have to be to not think that one through?

Does he know when your kids next dentist appointments are OP?

I am the sole earner (and incidentally have less than half the family income of the OP) I do sometimes get frustrated and stressed at the feeling of all the financial burden being on my shoulders but it is the decision that has been made for the best for the family (of 5)

I think at the root of this is two people who communicate very little about money and have no idea of what the other is doing. I am not sure even if the OP earnt more it would actually resolve anything. If he is moaning about not affording a new car/foreign holiday/daily sandwiches another 10k (maybe) a year is not likely to satisfy him, especially as the OP may start buying her clothes from other places than eBay.

I know it can be housing costs related, but gracious me 58k is enough to have nice things, but you still can't have everything.

Hopefully my dh will earn again at some point, I am not sure the OP will ever earn enough to make her dh happy.

is 8k so bad for 16 hours?

I also agree with pp that the comment re marrying someone in the industry is a worry. I’ve thought this too in a previous relationship and it was one of many signs that the bond had gone

So what am I then because I wsn't "there" for mine according to this thread? A shit parent? Well jeez thanks.

Who the fuck do you think carries the mental load in my house? Huh? Who do you think remembers fucking everything? And works full time and has zero help from a mother calling in because yunno she's dead and scattered to the four winds.

FFS.

Poisongirl81. It is on this thread, a lot of admin jobs pay that amount but OPs going to suddenly get something on par with her DH wage just by applying for it.

It’s about £9 an hour and minimum
Wage is close to £8 so it’s onviously poorly paid

I can't believe this thread. The fucker wants OP wants to continue to do all the housework amd earn a full time wage as well.

I say fuck him OP. What has happened to Mumsnet?!

Obviously things aren’t plain sailing and surely it’d be better to sort out together how to put that right..? Wouldn’t it?

Can you both work part time and therefore both use the personal allowance to full advantage? Could he drop 7 hours per week and you up yours by 10? Outside the home

Is it worth going full time and paying a cleaner and Gardner to take some of the work load?

Regardless of who’s right or wrong it isn’t working the way it is and unless you sort out now and this may take a while... you’ll both end up resenting each other and it breaking

That’s not actually true though is it antigon? Op has no clue what will happen if she works full time, she’s barely ever done it