To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

I think you need to consider how long your marriage will last if your DH is so unhappy with the status quo. For that reason alone I think it is worth you trying to increase how much you earn, in case you have to go it alone at some point.

Where in my post does it say 'right now'?

Your timeline is irrelevant. The OP has opted into the low-pressure, low-paid, few-hours track the entirety of her marriage. Please do read the original post again. I'd be doing pretty much fuck all at home in the OP's husband's shoes.

She's trained him to do nothing to justify her hobby/work setup.

I'm going to link this thread for the next gender pay gap AIBU.

Eh? Who said it did say right now? I don’t have a Clue what you mean

I work 22 hours a week.and earn £18k, I have no degree, just trained on the job. it's nothing special.
My youngest is 19. DH earns more than me but he's happy. I cook meals, clean etc. He does the garden. It's just what we've always done.
If my DH told me he wished he had married someone who earnt more I'd say off you fuck then, close the door behind you!

So he lost money on a btl - was it discussed with the OP, did they both make the decision on it? I wonder how much the OP not working full time for 9 years and not working at all before that for 5 years has cost them in income? Balanced out against childcare costs, of course. I bet it is more than 15k.

To be fair if he is in a professional job with 20 years experience and still only earns £50K he might want to perhaps change jobs!

It doesn't sound like you like your husband very much. And he doesn't seem to like you. You can make the decision now that you're going to try and get things better between you. Or you can carry on another few years until the kids grow up and you and dh resenting each other.

You both need to change. He needs to start doing more around the house you need to start working more for more money.

From your posts I read a lot of excuse making as to why it can't possibly work for you to do anything other than the way you want to do things. Zero compromise.

I think you should start looking for jobs and he should start showing that he can share the household duties more equitably. But you must not facilitate him to do little at home. It sounds like you're very much in a making a rod for your own back situation.

As for school holidays how do you think the rest of us cope? I use a mix of my own holidays, DHS holidays, grand parental care and holiday clubs. Ask at school what are the parents who work do with their children in the holidays. With you working and earning some more money you'll be able to afford some better activities for them. Rather than complaining that lifts at around the house with their dad playing computer games.

It seems to me that some sahp get used to doing so much less with their lives and then justify it by saying what are the tasks take up all their time. Realistically you could fit a lot more in.

Yes Glintandglide it sounded like double the money for admin role which is usually about £16-20k full time. I thought you meant double the hourly rate. Apologies

Lemon - I'm not lecturing, certainly no more than anyone else here, but the OP has clearly said she has free childcare and her children are 12 and 14 IE they don't really need loads of round the clock care!! personally I would be running out the door to get to work as many hours as possible!

“NO BLOODY WONDER. Where did I say 'now'. OP is talking about if she works full-time, she will still have 100% of house-work and everything else to do on top of working full-time.”

If OP CONTINUES doing 100% of the housework and everything else when working full time she’s a fucking idiot and the fact that she’s insisting that it will be the case before it’s even happened makes it obviously an excuse

Not being able to afford new cars and foreign holidays is not the same as struggling on the breadline.
Being part time isn’t just about getting household stuff done, it’s about having someone around more when the children are there. It’s up to each family whether they can afford this/think it’s worth it.
I think the OP should consider a better paying part time job (training if necessary) as much for her own stimulation and independence as for the money.

Yes, this ^^ and don’t forget the all important ‘mental load’ which must be equivalent to 3 hrs Work a day FFS. No idea how all the FT working parents manage it

Well they don't do they? They usually pay other people to do it for them.

While I understand your reasoning that the home responsibilities fall mainly on your shoulders I think you do have to take account of the fact that your husband is resentful that you are not contributing more to the household coffers or even consider splitting if he doesn't appreciate you. You would then obviously need to bring in more money. I worked part time and full time for many years and my income was a lot lower than my DH as I took a career break to have kids and part time work does not have the same opportunities for promotion that full time does. By the time I got back to full time work the difference between our pay was much higher than before we had kids. My DH never resented this though and although we could not afford new cars or foreign holidays every year we were both ok with that.

I think I would point out to your DH that if you return to full time work he either needs to pull his weight more around the house or you will have to pay for cleaners etc which could eradicate any gains in you going full time. If he is unhappy with the status quo though it does not pay to ignore it. My sister was in your situation a few years ago with my BIL saying he was unhappy bringing in a high salary while she worked part time on a low salary even though their kids were older. When the kids went off to university etc he left and she had to return to full time work anyway.

14 and 12? And you don't work full time. Get and do some graft

Isawthelight please do stop shouting.

The title to this thread is massively misleading. Currently he is the one working full time to fund your lifestyle.

You need to contribute more.

You have no basis for that Helena. The Op has said he's brought this up numerous times. She has also said she did teaching for a bit but "didn't enjoy it" and then did various low paid jobs before dc which kind of suggests it suited her to be the SAHP.

Let's not pretend every SAHM has sacrificed an amazing career to be the wind beneath her husbands wings . Plenty are happy with that set up which is fine provided both are agreeable.

Being a SAHM while dc are young surely doesn't entitle anyone to be provided for financially for the rest of their lives, does it ?

@garethsouthgatesmrs

i couldn't be with someone who earned so much less than me!

Wow- some of us aren't so materialistic

Jumping to conclusions there! Actual monetry value doesn't matter. If both me and my partner earned £15k i'd be happy. Having such a big discrepancy can lead to resentment.

Why should one partner go out and earn 6x the salary of the other partner and be happy about it. It would be different if the salaries were closer, but the OP's gap is so big, and so unessecary given her kids ages.

I wonder if there's perhaps been talk of redundancies at his work.

Also, at 12 and 14, your kids should be putting on a washing/hoovering/tidying/making a start on dinner when they arrive home from school.

Is your job the sort where you could do more hours OP, I only do 15 hrs as I’m semi retired but I could do more if I wanted, maybe ask at work for more hours.

If my DH was waking up worrying about money at 3am and it was creating this kind of anxiety then I would be trying to action earning more.

OP's DH is not waking up worrying about money at 3am. He's whingeing about not having enough extra money to holiday abroad and buy a new car on top of existing comfortable lifestyle that already includes his hobby.

I'd get back to full time work quick OP ... so you can support yourself .. what if you end up on your own with an 8k salary ? ..

I think you should try to get a better paid role. After 20 years it doesn't matter what your subject your degree is in, what matters is the skills you bring to a job.

Your DH was wrong to have a rant but he obviously feels strongly about this.

Ok so tell him he is taking on 50% of everything from tomorrow and that you will use the time to look for jobs and apply and so on. Then crack on with doing exactly that.
If he picks up the slack then you’re on track. If he doesn’t then you’ll know he actually quite likes having you around to do this stuff. Maybe he’ll reconsider his priorities.

@jenna43 please tell me who you can pay to take on the mental load for you? I have never known such a person. There are silly old me doing it all myself all these years