To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

I think you’re missing the point Pumpkin. I don’t think anyone is devaluing raising a family but the stress of being the sole financial provider is very different. It can feel very precarious. Everyone is dependent on you. There’ll be no meals for OP to cook if her husband is unable to bring the bacon home. It’s extremely stressful.

I work full time as does my DH, we have three children and we manage to run a household and look after our kids well. No one needs to stay at home, you do it becuse you want to (bar kids with additional needs etc) and if he’s stressed enough to wake in the middle of the night to talk about it then i’d Dust of your CV and get a job that pays better. Otherwise if I was him i’d be considering my options. It is grossly unfair of you.

I haven't read the full thread, just wanted to say I have similar salaries between me and DH but I am the higher earner. I work 30 hours a week and he works 20 - we have young DCs not in school yet and our working hours for our jobs aren't compatible with nursery or childminders so we've both gone part time to do childcare ourselves. We also split household tasks and mental load. DH has lower earning capacity than me and just wouldn't easily be able to get a higher paid job, unless he were to put time and money into some sort of training, but I value him in lots of other ways not just money and we manage between us. I have insurance for if I become unable to work through illness or injury - it's expensive but gives some peace of mind. It sounds like you need to have a discussion together when things have calmed down - find out what he's really worried about and if that can be addressed, or if it's just that he wants more money to spend as a family then also to make sure he understands how much more work he would need to do at home - he might decide that on balance the extra work he would have to do might not be worth the extra money that you would earn!

You have no idea how lucky you are to have parents around to help you out, I would love to be at work but financially I can't make it work until my daughter gets her 15 hours per week funding in a year's time and without the family help were a bit stuck. Use what resources you have and run with it, you might find you enjoy it

OP is working, what on earth are you lecturing on about?

OP I would be quite fucking annoyed if my husband told me I should be bringing pack lunches to save more money when he's the one refusing to go out and work more.

Quite.

I think a lot of posters are being harsh here. Doing all the work of running a home and looking after three children, even if they are secondary age, is hardly getting a free ride and I'm sure your DH (and his career and earning potential) has benefited over the years from your support. Especially when the kids were younger I can see how this would have made sense. And I assume this was a decision you made together at some point. Btw you don't say if your DH has brought this up before, or if this all came out of the blue?

However - it's obvious that he's feeling the pressure of carrying the entire family financially, and it does sound as if you're underusing your skills and accepting a rather risible salary. From his point of view that probably seems self-indulgent. I think now the children are older you do need to make a real effort to contribute more to the family finances. That doesn't devalue what you already do, it's just that this kind of financially unequal relationship isn't really the norm anymore and most couples work and share the household stuff accordingly. And while some people may opt for a more traditional arrangement, that has to be something both partners want and can afford (or they both need to be happy with a simpler lifestyle).

I don’t think he went about discussing it in the right way at all, so YANBU to be upset about that. But he’s shouldering a big burden in terms of the financial load and he isn’t being unreasonable to want to redistribute that - providing of course that he will in return share household jobs. Once the dust has settled have an open conversation about how to manage this. There are lots of jobs you could do with your qualifications that would bring in more than £8kpa.

The op says

He brings all this up regularly

So he has been trying to talk to her about it but she doesn't want to talk to him and take on board his point of view. The stress of being the sole wage earner is crippling. I earn very little. Our financial situation gives me regular sleepless nights. I can't afford to take self indulgent jobs that i just enjoy.

You are being incredibly selfish and putting your DH under a lot of pressure to provide for the whole family.

You are an educated woman with school age children and free childcare. You

“I’d like to know which admin roles pay £16k for 20 hrs work, most are about £8-10 an hour”

@ringthebells is that in reference to me? I was talking about her working full time

“ HE WON'T TAKE ON HALF OF THE RUNNING OF THE HOUSE AND LOOKING AFTER KIDS.”

And why should he, right now? When she goes back to work FT things will change

Where in my post does it say 'right now'?

@RedSkyLastNight he cooked once and hung the laundry.

I have a friend who is retraining but is reluctant/worried to start work because her husband won't do anything and she worries about how she'll cope. She does everything now. Some would say fair enough she's at home all day. She recently had surgery, her DH "helped" for a week then started stropping on the second one why she isn't better yet, why does he have to do x, he's been at work , he doesn't get why she's not taking the kids(one with SEN,one a baby in a pushchair) out etc.
It doesn't exactly fill her with confidence about him stepping up when she's working full time.

Your husband has been rude to you. But you need to earn more whether that's a better paid job or just more of what you're doing already. Your DC are well old enough for you to be working more
If my DH was waking up worrying about money at 3am and it was creating this kind of anxiety then I would be trying to action earning more.

He didn’t go about raising the issue in a good way, but I can see his point. 20h a week for £8k is pretty shit for a degree educated person with secondary school age children.

You don’t sound like you’ve ever really seen yourself as being a ‘worker’ and always wanted home to be your main occupation.

YABU you need more money. What if he dies or leaves you? You will not make enough to survive and will have been out of full time workforce too long. Don't you want fewer money worries and to be able to finance a more secure life and future? You can balance full time work and home life as most people do.

My DCs are 14 and 12

Why does everyone keep insisting it's 3 kids? There are only 2.

@Smoothsailing9

Then start your own business!!

I'm a single mum to 2. I've been a single mum since my second was 4 weeks old and we never saw their dad again so no help there. Just my parents occasionally. I paid for nursery for both of them and I worked full time to pay the bills. I also started my own business in the art field I wanted to work in. I did it around working full time, raising my infant children and running the house (cleaning, cooking, all of it). I was still able to take my kids to gymnastics, football, drama, basketball etc etc. I read them stories every bedtime, played with them, had day trips. I just didn't sleep.
I went full time in my own business after 2 years. That was 3 years ago, and I couldn't be happier. I now have a better work life balance and I support my kid through the business I wanted to run. But it took a hell of a lot of work.

If I can do it alone whilst working full time, then you can do it with a husband whilst you work 8 hours a week. You do not need to quit your job to start your business. It is much safer to start small. But you cannot honestly expect him to support the family so you can quit your job to start a business that may not be a success. Make it a success first; bring in a bit extra money to help ease the burden. Then quit your job.

i love how on MN ‘running the house’, ‘doing the admin’ and ‘managing the finances’ are almost given the same gravity as if you are running a FTSE 100 company!

Yes, this ^^ and don’t forget the all important ‘mental load’ which must be equivalent to 3 hrs Work a day FFS. No idea how all the FT working parents manage it.

He’s been funding your lifestyle choices for 20 years, you’ve got it the wrong way around OP.

Op posted this previously:

2 DS (early teens). He does some long days but this is balanced out by earlier finishes. I do everything in the house bar cutting the lawn (I can’t start the mower) and he is handy at DIY when he can be arsed. But all the day to day stuff is me. If ever I have a go at him about just helping a bit, I get “I’ll do housework when you work full time”. But I’m often still ironing, doing paperwork, getting next day’s stuff ready well into the evening while he relaxes. To be fair since I had a massive meltdown about it a few months ago he has done a bit more, but always seems to need to congratulations for e.g. putting the bins out or putting some clothes away all by himself

scrumplepaper Wed 22-Aug-18 20:33:47

"And at 14 and 12 you don't need childcare after school, they can get themselves home and wait for a couple of hours"

Exactly And the DH knew this as well. Which is why he waited until they were this age to say anything so he wouldnt have to do any childcare.

He implied he wished he hadn’t married me FFS, as if my only value is my money

If that was true your value would be very very low, wouldn't it? You've never contributed much money to the family.

*kids

OP posted this on page 2

"When I say I do everything in the house I mean everything, gardens, car washing, the lot.He doesn’t even open his own letters. He’s been like this for 20 years, even when I did work full time before DCs. And those posters saying I need to use my degree, again, I worked in jobs requiring a degree before DCs. I did actually do some retraining courses and would have loved to start my own business but DH is not prepared to support me if it takes time to make money.

Incidentally, he lost us £30,000 on a stupid buy to let investment a few years ago. When I inherited roughly the same amount I paid off all that debt with it"

So what? It's reasonable once the youngest goes to secondary that the OP goes to work full time. That is a good time for the kids to get themselves home from school

HE WON'T TAKE ON HALF OF THE RUNNING OF THE HOUSE AND LOOKING AFTER KIDS

Yes... because he's the one with the pressure of being practically the sole breadwinner and working full time. Why would he do half when he's working FT it makes no senseconfused stop shouting

NO BLOODY WONDER. Where did I say 'now'. OP is talking about if she works full-time, she will still have 100% of house-work and everything else to do on top of working full-time.