To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

If she was a single parent on benefits we'd say she'd be working hard to look after her kids - based on your post I think YOU would be saying she was a freeloader.

And OP didn't say her child had a problem on one day - suicidal ideation isn't a 24 hour bug!

Hes a bit more than anxious. He has serious mental health issues you MRA. Oh and as you brought up single parents on low incomes you could also have pointed out that a child of a single parent would have been told by ppl like you that an iphone is a luxury and not for the likes of them.

If she were single, she would be on benefits due to having a child with health problems. I doubt she could increase her hours or responsibility right now even if she wanted to

This thread really speaks to me of the need some women have to vindicate their own choice to work full time when they have children.

Supporting another woman with a different family situation in her decision not to work full time does not threaten another woman in her choice to work full time.

All it does is contribute to the kind of attitude of entitlement the OP's husband has in terms of a wife needing to do everything in terms of childcare and looking after the home plus provide an equal amount financially. Whilst he, as a man, earning the princely sum of £50k should not have to budget, curb his spending or time spent on hobbies and go on expensive holidays.

She, meanwhile, as a woman had to earn, sort out childcare, look after the house, sort out a suicidal teen and be physically available to him, whenever he wants.

Hmm....I think this thread might actually be about feminism....

Would we really? If she lived on benefits doing a minimal paying job that she liked with a 12 and 14 year old, we would all be saying how hard she works to look after her kids? I doubt it!

Also she didn’t mention her sons supposed needs until she got her @ss handed to her. She started off the thread by saying she wanted to do something she enjoyed and didn’t think she should work more to “fund her husbands lifestyle”. Surely if her ds had serious issues that meant she had to be home she would have said that straight away?

Surely if her ds had serious issues that meant she had to be home she would have said that straight away?

Surely most mothers would not claim their child is suicidal lightly. Who could say this out loud, never mind on a forum, if their child actually isn't? Information like that is terribly emotive and not something people are generally fond of talking about to strangers.

@slowrun. Feminism isn’t about women being able to choose to do something that they enjoy while someone else is forced to pay the bills! We are people. Adults. With the same responsibilities as men.

You seem to be adding all sorts of things to the ops schedule she never mentioned! Her mum pops in she said. Again she never mentioned her sons supposed needs in her op.

Hmm....I think this thread might actually be about feminism....

Spot on. Who needs men to put down and undervalue a woman's role when we can do that so well ourselves

I can't get over the pages and pages of abuse. I posted pages back and it has gone on and on since then!
I really think OP you are not being unreasonable to find the way he is dealing with his dissatisfaction at having a lower family income than he would like upsetting. He is however also not being unreasonable to want a higher income. To get there, you obviously need to sit down and balance up all the aspects of your life that are relevant, what both your earning capacity truly is in the context of your specific family needs, and then make a plan. Ideally, both of you should do something you enjoy that can support your family.

If however he is just getting at you for underlying reasons then it will become clear, and at that point I would say you have other, deeper relationship problems to solve. if that's the case, then having a plan for your how to better support yourself, alone, might be a good idea.

Ironically I could see you being a poster down the line whose husband has left and you would get no end of sympathy for having 'facilitated' his career and prioritised your children! I hope that doesn't happen to you, I am just trying to illustrate why this thread is ludicrous and you should ignore 99% of it!

One of my colleagues had a teenage DD with MH issues and a lot of trouble actually keeping her in school, I don't know how she held down her job as she was constantly on the phone about it or having to leave work immediately to deal with things, it wore me out just thinking about how bad it was for her and it was not my DC. We do work in quite an easygoing place so it wasn't too difficult for her to pop out for an hour or so but I can't imagine some jobs like teaching being able to leave at the drop of a hat or on the phone as much as she was.

Working PT is probably the best thing for the OP at the moment as things like MH issues can escalate and at least she can be there for him sometimes if school gets difficult

The OP on the linked thread is currently getting her arse handed to her for suggesting that her SIL should get a job once her child with ASD starts school in order to relieve pressure on her DB. She's being called all the names under the sun. So why is the OP on this thread getting such a hard time for working PT when she also has a child at home with complex needs? It makes no sense

It's happening because this thread is full of unimaginative sheep jumping on the bandwagon

@slowrun. Don’t be ridiculous. She posts on an Internet forum all about her sex life. She did post about her ds supposed issues but only after she got criticized.

She started off by saying she doesn’t want to work more or do something she doesn’t enjoy to find her dh lifestyle. Let’s not project.

Read the whole thread, zsa. She mentions it. And is it really 'feminist' of her mum to act as an unpaid childminder? Are people less feminist if their mum is not available to do this? Talking about things the OP enjoys, yes, she likes her job but do you really think she enjoys advocating for a suicidal teen or cleaning the house? Or do you think she does this because she loves her children and wants a decent standard of living for her and them instead of being run ragged trying to do everything?

This thread is getting beyond ridiculous and questioning the veracity of her son's issues, which may not have been mentioned in the op but, nevertheless, v early on, is about the lowest of the low in terms of point scoring I have seen on mumsnet. No wonder The Daily Mail loves us

"she posts on an Internet forum all about her sexual abuse"

Corrected it for you.

And she didnt post about it on this thread. But how lovely that you are using it as a stick to beat her with. So i stand by the MRA comment.

And if Amanda Holden happens to see this thread i can imagine her saying "see i told you so"

Don’t think anyone is undermining a “women’s role”. What is that anyway! Women’s roles are as varied as women. You can’t be financially dependent on an adult who doesn’t want you to be financially dependent on them. If you don’t want to do his laundry, don’t do it. You can’t expect that means you don’t need to get a job.

The shit OP's had thrown at her on this thread is despicable. With this amount of bullying going on I'm quite surprised it's still up and running.

What about all the other stuff re the kids? Should she leave that and see what happens? I include the little boy with mh issues in this. Not that simple then, is it

yes i cant see the DH stepping up to deal with anything pertaining to his kids mental health issues. Too busy dreaming of cars and other status symbols.

What is that anyway! Women’s roles are as varied as women.

Correct. You said it. So don't criticise a woman having a different role to one you might choose or have chosen.

You can’t be financially dependent on an adult who doesn’t want you to be financially dependent on them.

This happens all the time. You actually can, unfortunately.

Even if you both earn equal amounts, you can be absolutely financially dependent on each other, if both those salaries are absolutely needed. Never mind whether people are happy in their employment. No one chooses for a family member to be sick or disabled. But illness and disability certainly affect availability to work.

I suspect even if the OP earned as much as her husband it still would not be enough to achieve the lifestyle he wants. His aspirations would grow too. Flashier cars, flashier holidays, flashier house etc etc.

@SmoothSailing9 I haven't RTFT but another perspective I didn't see mentioned in what I did read:

You did an arts degree and then pursued various low-paid career options. Your mum provides childcare and you have good savings, a pension, and have inherited some money. You are happy not going on foreign holidays every year and are willing to explain to your kids why they can't have the latest iphone.

Why should your husband's desire for a high-flying lifestyle trump your desire to live a simpler life within your means (and that's before you factor in your enormous contribution to family life, which he seems to completely ignore..)

I don’t think she is run ragged, I don’t get that impression at all. I think she does what she does (“hobby” job and sahp) because that what she wants to do. Indeed that’s what she said initially.

But for all we know she could be a 17 year old boy called Jerome. The stuff I saw upthread I wouldn’t describe as a description of sex abuse but I didn’t read the other thread.

This is an Internet debate forum. Re feminism, it’s not about women insisting to carry on doing domestic chores so they don’t need to do paid work! The op doesn’t enjoy working so she thinks her dh should. He should do more at home ofc if she steps up and starts working more out of the home.

I suspect there more to it than your DH rant, as in his single colleagues a=have flashy new cars and foreign hols, and he feels hard done by.

Here's a suggestion.

Why not produce a budget to show where the money actually goes. If he's hopeless about money, then he probably has no idea where it all goes. e.g child costs and his hobby. Discuss it together, and identify where you could jointly make savings. Then factor in a new car and a foreign holiday every year and see how much more household income you need. This may diffuse it, but it may also give you a joint target for how much additional income you need.

If he still bangs on about you getting a better paid job, then make a list of what he would have to do to free you up to work longer hours. e.g. washing, cooking etc.

Good Luck!

sexual coercion leading to vaginismus not sexual abuse?

Thankfully Womens Aid doesnt agree with you.