To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

All bets are off when a DC has a mental health issue.

Otherwise I would say OP was U, earning £8k a year is too little a financial contribution, and should look to earn more, which would probably require FT work, for at least a few years. Part time roles often go to existing employees.

Marriage is a team game. You need to step up.

MissBartlett well, yes, but that would just show what a complete bell-end he is. If he doesn't love his own kid enough to appreciate & value the care he gets (and needs) then the DH really is an arsehole.

It sounds like he happily enjoys all the benefits of wifework without ever valuing it. Also, he happily tries some 'get rich quick' scheme and conveniently forgets about it, but begrudges every penny his wife should be working. Like he expects her to do double duty - ft child/housecare, and ft higher earner.

I don't feel it's fair some PP saying that others are devaluing the OP's contribution- I feel its fairer to say that given the ages of the children now/ both young adults in full time education, with a family member who can look in on them after school- that it doesn't seem unreasonable that the role the OP takes on changes from a home based one to a more fiscal one. That now she can/should increase financial support to the home as less is required to do at home with older, young adults in the house who should be able to deal with themselves to an extent or with minimum supervision from the OP's mother.

Loopytiles
I agree to a point.
My personal feeling is that it wouldn't take much for the OP to keep her eyes open for a part time job (any push for her to be full time would be unreasonable) that pulls in a little more than her current income or maybe looks for ways to expand what she's already doing.

And there has to be a sit down discussion about how things work moving forward because the situation isn't going to resolve itself and ultimately there is a child involved.

Outpinked: “Have you looked into becoming a teaching assistant? They earn double what you currently are and they don’t have anywhere near as much of a workload as an actual teacher.”

Do you work in a school? It doesn’t sound like it. The wages are similar to a library assistant role (I have worked in both sectors at different levels)

You need to be careful looking at advertised salaries for schools. TAs are only paid for the hours they are in school. So for a start take off, what, 12 or so weeks of holidays and you’re already at 32/52ths of an advertised full time salary. If they are part-time, reduce it again. 20/35ths of 32/52ths of a year’s salary is really not much at all, even with earned holidays and bank holidays added on. Some people don’t seem to realise that’s what it actually means.

So eg TA job near me is £16,863 FTE. After working out there pro-rata rate it’s hardly anything.

OP, I am also in the library sector and I know what you mean about there being few jobs out there. It is a nice job but I have been thinking about re-training. My own circumstances mean that on balance it’s not worth it and I will stick with what I’m doing for now (I am not a library assistant so my salary is fine, our mortgage is paid off, I have w large amount of savings etc) but if I were on your position I would definitely look at ways to get a better paid job for the future.

She is happy with 58k it's a partnership He isn’t happy though is he?
Most couples have different salaries, one earning more
He wants more income to spend as he wishes let him go earn it. Any extra over and over his 50k he can keep! why should he when the OP makes 16% of what earns - she isn’t contributing enough
If she were to invoice him for all the unpaid labour he has benefited from he'd have even less spending money Unpaid labour? What keeping a house in order that she wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for him earning 50K per year
If she were to outsource all this labour they'd both have less money running a home doesn’t take a great amount of effort does it? My DH and I manage that and we both work FT in high pressured jobs and have 3 children.
If we assumed her unpaid labour to be worth 20hrs at minimum wage it would equate to £7,800 per annum.
Her salary is £8,000 per annum (more than minimum wage)
My guess is that OP does more than 20hrs domestic labour a week because he doesn't do anything.
He has an unpaid domestic, he has children, a home, a car and he works to support those choices. Like most of us do. If he wants more from life than he can afford or has aspirations beyond what he can afford he should pull his finger out! Why is it down to her DH to ‘pull his finger out’? He already earns the majority of the household income and the OP does nothing extrodinary she is a library assistant and runs a home. Every woman who works FT cares for their children and runs a household. It’s not exactly aspirational is it.

Why does it need to be aspirational?

?" My DH and I manage that and we both work FT in high pressured jobs and have 3 children"

And if your childcarer came to you today and said. "im quitting because my DH says i need to earn more money you would be really happy for her right?

The £30k she gave to pay the loan off is neither here nor there. Presumably if she hadn’t done that it would be coming out of his salary, leaving them less to live on each month. You can’t say that his salary his family money but not the 30k..

Presumably the BTL was a joint decision, with both their names as the owners and they would BOTH have profited had it been a successful move. Presumably OP also paid the 30k willingly.

I would be highly pissed off to be your DH and have that brought up in the heat of the moment

And I’m sorry but when your child has considered hanging himself to the extent that you have to remove ties, scarves etc on the advice of a mental health professional, you’d probably prefer to be able to be at home a bit keeping an eye.

My DD is in a similar position, she is 15, I work from home most of the time, we have to have someone in the house 24/7 (normally me or her sister because like you OP, my husband is an arse and caused a lot of her MH issues - maybe your H contributed to your DC's problems as well ...). I'm in a support group for parents of teens not in school due to MH and many of those families have to claim benefits e.g., carers allowance and DLA to allow one parent to be home most of the time, although its early days for me I haven't got round to that yet. I can't believe the crap you've had on this thread.

Every woman who works FT cares for their children and runs a household. It’s not exactly aspirational is it.

How easy do you think it would be to hold that full time job and provide the majority of care and advocacy for a suicidal child?

There is somewhere in the middle that gives both the OP and her DH what they need. It's incredibly difficult having DC with MH issues and the OP is doing a lot more of the family work compared to her DH.

OP-have him put his money where his mouth is. You earning £8k a year is insane if it's not leading to something higher paid in the very near future. You have a business idea which I assume could 'pay' significantly more than what you earn now. So, agree to you working 40 hours a week so he must do 50% of the family work. It's not just cleaning and household chores but I doubt he realizes that.

Sit down and write out your business plan. It needs to be funded from the 8k a year you earn because 'since its such a small amount he won't miss it'. At the same time you both need to look at your budget together. He is clearly stressed about your finances. You must discuss this and address his concerns together.

I'm in a support group for parents of teens not in school due to MH and many of those families have to claim benefits e.g., carers allowance and DLA to allow one parent to be home most of the time, although its early days for me I haven't got round to that yet. I can't believe the crap you've had on this thread.

Wholeheartedly agree, Elephant.

OP needs sympathy and support. She's had pressure from all sides. No wonder she wants a non stressful job.

Have you looked into becoming a teaching assistant? They earn double what you currently are

No they don't. Not even close.

I do take the point that many PPs have made that DH is indeed funding my lifestyle - don't fucking take that point OP. Stop it. DH is funding the family and so are you. End of.

I would be highly pissed off to be your DH and have that brought up in the heat of the moment

Well, if he’s throwing things at her “in the heat of the moment”, surely that’s the very best time to raise it? Or does no holds barred only apply to him?

In any case, in OP’s position, my argument would be that the £30k could otherwise have been used to help me retrain in something that I would enjoy - potentially something that would give me, at the very least, a higher wage on part-time hours.

Also, the MH of your child is extremely worrying. What professional help are they getting? Might it be worth you kicking up a fuss to get more help for them? I say this as a parent with 2DC who have ASD. My eldest has significant issues with anxiety. Luckily she is only 7 so the problem is a lot smaller than it would be for a teen. We are getting a lot of support because I won't settle for anything less. The parents with the sharpest elbows and loudest voices get the most help for their DC. You working 20 hours a week gives you 20 hours to advocate for your DC. That is worth an awful lot.

Reverse?

OP, please let this die, its on 820 posts anyway.

Later on put something in Relationships where you get sensible advice. I've PM'd you a Facebook support group that has been really good for my DD you get all sorts of advice on there.

PS do you really want to stay in this relationship?

"Well, if he’s throwing things at her “in the heat of the moment”, surely that’s the very best time to raise it? grin Or does no holds barred only apply to him"

Dont be silly Butchy Of course it does Hes the one with a penis.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3344473-In-thinking-SIL-is-just-lazy?pg=1&order=

The OP on the linked thread is currently getting her arse handed to her for suggesting that her SIL should get a job once her child with ASD starts school in order to relieve pressure on her DB. She's being called all the names under the sun. So why is the OP on this thread getting such a hard time for working PT when she also has a child at home with complex needs? It makes no sense.

I think there might have been a bit of mob mentality on here Minister - it went left field at the beginning then people piled in. Like people on Monty Python, enjoying a good stoning ...

I don’t think this thread is really anything to do with feminism. The op asked for our opinions! She asked if swbu. In my view yes.

You can drone on about how many families live on less money and they do. But ops family lives on less than her husband would like because she won’t pull her weight financially. She wants to do something she enjoys so someone else needs to take financial responsibility for the family.

That’s not to denigrate women’s work or sahp’s contribution. But it’s fair enough in an equal relationship for one party not to carry all the financial responsibility (particularly if they don’t want to). Same as it’s fair enough for one party not to take responsibility for all the domestic chores (again especially if they don’t want to).

Feminism isn’t about not taking financial responsibility for your family or being able to decide unilaterally that you don’t want to contribute financially to the family. Quite the opposite.

Also what would we be saying if op was a single parent on benefits? Would she then be a hero for doing all this “family paperwork” and “mental load”? Or would she be a freeloader?

Also she said her son was anxious one day. Not the same as having complex needs!