To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Awww has having more knowledge about the OPs DH spoiled the smug fest
Nope.
If and when someone has sex has nothing to do with whether it's reasonable for one partner to want their partner to do more than a hobby job.

Mark spends 16 hours a week making money from gaming online and running webinars on games. Mandy is working a long hard week in a demanding job bringing in the money and covering the bills. Mandy is increasingly frustrated that Mark seems to think he has a rough lot in life and is getting a little fed up that she's working all the time whilst Mark gets paid a little bit for doing his hobby. Whilst there's areas to improve in household finances, Mandy feels she is shouldering a greater proportion of the financial burden in the household and it's making her quite resentful.

How many replies would say LTB and call Mark a cocklodger? My guess would be lots.

Maisy you are a teacher Would it be ok with you if the TAs at your school suddenly got some aspiration and told you they wernt coming to work there any more because they found something "better"

People devaluing what the OP has contributed towards her family are part of the problem IMO. This permeates societal perceptions of women's roles. However because people want to vindicate their choice to work full time they claim they can 'do it all'. So now not only does a woman have to do everything in the home and with the children but she has to contribute equally financially too.

The result is men's egos are massaged so much they feel entitled to a continually physically available wife, who earns as much as they do, who takes care of all the housework and childcare, so they can have any material possession they want, not have to budget, spend as much time and money as they want on hobbies and go on expensive holidays. All this whilst earning 50k with a family!!!!

"If and when someone has sex has nothing to do with whether it's reasonable for one partner to want their partner to do more than a hobby job."

The OP has been sexually coerced and abused and you dont seem to want to see it.

Are you even earning minimum wage? I earned about that in a year working 16 hours a week a few years ago so for 20 hours on today’s rates, it isn’t enough surely.

I haven’t RTFT, I don’t have all day . Got to about page 4 then gave up.

I am with your DH though, sorry. You have a degree and a PGCE. You are worthy of more than a crappy min wage PT job. Have you looked into becoming a teaching assistant? They earn double what you currently are and they don’t have anywhere near as much of a workload as an actual teacher.

Agree with @MaisyPops

Helena - everyone has the right to leave a current job for something "better" paid/hours. I'd hate to think of any workplace holding a colleague moving on against them

They said if there is sexual abuse the op should get shot when possible and look into women's aid !

Get shot of DH that should say !

Ok, to clear up a few issues.

The BTL was his idea but I did go along with it. At the time I had two DCs under 3 and wasn’t working at all. It was a stupid thing to do and I take equal responsibility for it. We lost money because we’d bought at the height of the housing market and then when we realised it wasn’t making us any money, we sold at a loss. I willingly paid off the loan we had to take out with an inheritance several years later. However, I never ever bring this up in any arguments about money yet I am constantly brow beaten for my earnings.

I did not give up better paid jobs because I didn’t like them. I hated my pGCE but stuck it out because I thought it would be useful longer term and it has been. Prior to DCs I worked in educational publishing on a decent wage but we moved area just before DCs and I wasn’t able to find that sort of work again part time where we live now, which btW is not London, but a rural area in England.

It really isn’t that easy to walk into a well paid job. I enjoy library work and I hope to progress up within this sector but jobs are scarce. I have never said I will be part time forever!

And I’m sorry but when your child has considered hanging himself to the extent that you have to remove ties, scarves etc on the advice of a mental health professional, you’d probably prefer to be able to be at home a bit keeping an eye.

3 to three said ." Example he may be comparing his life to his work colleagues or friends"

Mythical Chicken said "probably all his friends have fancy phones"

This is all about keeping up with the Joneses Berating the OP yet keen for the 14 year old to be taught the same entitlement as his father.

Also, my sons both have iPhones! He just wanted to upgrade to the latest model. At 14 he is limited to what part time jobs he can do and I would rather he concentrated on his school work, but he does have a paper round. My other son couldn’t care less what phone he has and nor could I.

Smooth I think that you have had a really hard time on this thread and credit to you for still being here.

If both you and DH were happy then it is nobody else's business, but if he isn't then you both need to work to find a solution, but as I said before, and lots of others also said, that he will need to step up with the housework and other things too. It is not just a question of you getting a high paid job, it will change everything within your home life.

It can be hard in a rural area to find a decent job though, if the nearest city is over an hour away, adding in the commute and travel costs and the stress, it is easier to stay where you are.

I had friends who were solicitors, bank clerks etc, who moved to this rural area and started cleaning, ironing, packing, shopwork, anything to earn a bit of money and be around for the DC. Not everyone wants to or needs to stay in a high professional field once they have DC.

I would want to keep an eye on a severely depressed child too, so I don't blame you.

@Smoothsailing9

But what is stopping you from starting the business you want to be in?

You don't need to quit your job to do it. You don't need to farm your kids out to do it.

You manage the household budget; set yourself aside some seed money. Start small. I did it. I wanted to work in the arts but I couldn't get a job which paid enough and fit around the kids so I worked and raised my kids and started the business. It worked out well. But if it didn't, I still had my full time job so we wouldn't be in trouble.

If that's what you want, what is stopping you? From what I can tell, you simply lack the motivation and drive.

I wonder if you would have the same responses, OP, had you said you were a SAHM dealing with all the children, all the housework, paperwork etc.

Maisy you are a teacher Would it be ok with you if the TAs at your school suddenly got some aspiration and told you they wernt coming to work there any more because they found something "better"
If being a TA wasn't for them and/or they needed a higher paying job then go for it.
I dislike the idea that you view being a TA as lacking aspiration though. Many of our SEND TAs are vastly more knowledgeable than I am on certain areas and many do move on and become HLTAs, workers for specialist charities, mentors etc and other jobs that pay them better for their expertise. They are absolutely bloody saints in my view who do a huge amount of leg work and don't get enough recognition.

That has nothing to do with someone in a relationship opting to pursue their hobby job whilst suggesting them changing jobs (whilst still being able to be part time) would be them propping up the household breadwinner.

And I’m sorry but when your child has considered hanging himself to the extent that you have to remove ties, scarves etc on the advice of a mental health professional, you’d probably prefer to be able to be at home a bit keeping an eye.

You are absolutely right to be there for your child, OP. No question.

I cannot believe your husband is berating you for this. All I can think of by way of possible explanation is that he is feeling under pressure generally as this situation must be incredibly stressful.

Sit down and really budget. Show that there is spare money, then decide as a family how to spend it. Make some secure investments for a safety net. Look at average family incomes and standard of living. Watch some programmes, in his presence of how difficult some people, without his salary, really have it.

OP how does your DH support your youngest DC's mental health issues? Has he ever taken time off work to help with appointment's etc.

Maisy, by setting out your argument as you have it illustrates perfectly why OP might feel she is being asked to work more to subsidise his spending or lifestyle aspirations.

She is happy with 58k it's a partnership
Most couples have different salaries, one earning more
He wants more income to spend as he wishes let him go earn it. Any extra over and over his 50k he can keep!
If she were to invoice him for all the unpaid labour he has benefited from he'd have even less spending money
If she were to outsource all this labour they'd both have less money
If we assumed her unpaid labour to be worth 20hrs at minimum wage it would equate to £7,800 per annum.
Her salary is £8,000 per annum (more than minimum wage)
My guess is that OP does more than 20hrs domestic labour a week because he doesn't do anything.
He has an unpaid domestic, he has children, a home, a car and he works to support those choices. Like most of us do. If he wants more from life than he can afford or has aspirations beyond what he can afford he should pull his finger out!

I’m really sorry to hear about your child OP.

I can't believe how many people are being arseholes to the OP.

Nobody should be berating their life partner on a regular basis.
Nobody should feel valued/respected according to how much money they earn.
Nobody should feel under pressure to work if they have dependents who need them.

Maybe DH is partly feeling under pressure because all the financial burden is on him, but it's now how he is wording his dissatisfaction.

OP - draw up a list of everything you do - cooking, cleaning, housework, MH support for your child etc. Then give DH a realistic figure for how much ti would cast to replace you (e.g. a FT housekeeper, childcare etc). Then ask him when he's going to start stepping up and making as big a financial contribution. Because, if something happened to you & he suddenly had to pay to replace the work you do, he would need to earn a whole load more than he does.

"I dislike the idea that you view being a TA as lacking aspiration though"

No i dont I posted in response to other peoples attitudes to OPs job. So no need to twist things.

Quite frankly im more worried about your willingness to ignore and minimize abuse especially in light of the fact you are a teacher and work with children.

MiniTheMinx
Many relationships do have one person earning more and that's fine as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement. The key is that is has to work for both people.

People can opt to do whatever they like in their relationships and run their households as they see fit as long as all parties are happy with that set up.

In this situation both parties aren't happy with the set up so something has to give, there needs to be a discussion about how things will work moving forward.

@KissAssAngel Would he though? The children are teenagers so don't need very much childcare at all. He might think a cleaner for 2 hours a fortnight and some extra ready meals would be more than adequate which would just make him undervalue the Op's contribution even more.

I willingly paid off the loan we had to take out with an inheritance several years later. However, I never ever bring this up in any arguments about money yet I am constantly brow beaten for my earnings.

You should raise it. See if it shuts him up (probably not).

I'd be raising that £30k every time he mentions money.